Having my daughter and her boyfriend here has been wonderful to say the least. She is beyond amazing in so many ways and her boyfriend is equally so. Being her mother is such an honor just as it is with my other children. They treat me so amazingly that it touches my soul in profound ways. They know me better than anyone else does...while I can pretend and put on the air of everything being just fine for the world, they have a way of seeing through me...of seeing the truth.
I have said here that I am struggling and am nearing burnout. This is an understatement. In reality, I am falling apart...I am losing it and as hard as I have been trying to be strong and keep it together, I am not keeping it together. I am beyond exhausted and don't know how to stop it. I thought I had been doing a good job of hiding my pain until this past Friday. I finally got the chance last Friday to take my daughter out for lunch and have some one on one time with her. This is when she confronted me about her concerns and the fact of how worried she is about me. She is my insightful daughter that is wise beyond her years. This hurts. Not the fact that she confronted me but the fact that she has to worry about me when I have been trying so damn hard to have this be a fun time for her to be home, not one in which she is burdened with worry about me.
Come to find out, pretty much everyone is worried about me. How did I not know this?They see everything I am dealing with and how it is affecting me. They see how much I have to give out every day and wonder how I can keep on giving out. I wonder this to. They see and it's not like they don't want to help me, they just don't know what to do to help. They see that I have become more and more isolated and shut off from the world...that I don't talk about these things and they wish I did. I hate that people are seeing because I hate being a burden to anyone...least of all my children. I have been living each day, with the will to be strong, to just get through this, with the thought everything is going to be fine eventually.
Somewhere along this journey I have lost myself and I don't know how to get "me" back. My life has been drained out of me and I don't know how to get it back. I am so tired at this point that I am starting to not care. I am so exhausted that I can't hardly sleep and when I do, the nightmares come. I have so much to live for...so much to be happy about that I am angry at myself for not being stronger, not doing better at keeping it together.
My pain levels are high and out of control again so I see everything through the lens of pain, and this is not pretty. I am still waiting on work comp for approval for a pain program to help me with this. I fight this pain and I fight what it does to me. Knowing that it will always be with me is depressing and sometimes scares me. Scares me because of what it does to me and those around me.
I am fighting with all that is in me to just get through today...just thinking about tomorrow makes me more tired but I have to because somehow I have to get off this downward spiral that I am on...I have to figure out how to make this roller coaster come to a stop...it's hard because so many of these things are out of my control...they just are...and somehow I have just got to accept them for what they are.
Tomorrow my daughter and her boyfriend will be leaving and that will be hard. Having to let go of someone that you just want to hang on to because it's the best and right thing to do is so damn hard. This time with her went so fast and every moment was precious. In the past year that we have been apart, she has continued to grow into such a fine, beautiful woman. I have never seen her look so good nor look so happy. This makes me incredibly happy. I will do the right thing and let her go happily back to the place she has made for herself in this world.
I keep telling myself that this is just a season in my life...that I will find myself again...that some day I won't be this tired anymore. But, for now my dear Internet friends, this is where I'm at. As much as I love writing and know how it helps me, some days I am too tired to write anything. As much as I love reading what you have to say, some days I am too tired to read or comment, so if you don't hear from me please know that it's not because I don't want to visit your place...it's just that I can't...my life has been drained out of me and I am trying with all that is in me to get it back.