In our family...

In our family....we do second chances...we do grace...we do real...we do mistakes...we do I'm sorry (and I forgive you)...we do loud really well...we do hugs...we do family...we do love.

Monday, July 28, 2008

Falling Apart

Having my daughter and her boyfriend here has been wonderful to say the least. She is beyond amazing in so many ways and her boyfriend is equally so. Being her mother is such an honor just as it is with my other children. They treat me so amazingly that it touches my soul in profound ways. They know me better than anyone else does...while I can pretend and put on the air of everything being just fine for the world, they have a way of seeing through me...of seeing the truth.

I have said here that I am struggling and am nearing burnout. This is an understatement. In reality, I am falling apart...I am losing it and as hard as I have been trying to be strong and keep it together, I am not keeping it together. I am beyond exhausted and don't know how to stop it. I thought I had been doing a good job of hiding my pain until this past Friday. I finally got the chance last Friday to take my daughter out for lunch and have some one on one time with her. This is when she confronted me about her concerns and the fact of how worried she is about me. She is my insightful daughter that is wise beyond her years. This hurts. Not the fact that she confronted me but the fact that she has to worry about me when I have been trying so damn hard to have this be a fun time for her to be home, not one in which she is burdened with worry about me.

Come to find out, pretty much everyone is worried about me. How did I not know this?They see everything I am dealing with and how it is affecting me. They see how much I have to give out every day and wonder how I can keep on giving out. I wonder this to. They see and it's not like they don't want to help me, they just don't know what to do to help. They see that I have become more and more isolated and shut off from the world...that I don't talk about these things and they wish I did. I hate that people are seeing because I hate being a burden to anyone...least of all my children. I have been living each day, with the will to be strong, to just get through this, with the thought everything is going to be fine eventually.

Somewhere along this journey I have lost myself and I don't know how to get "me" back. My life has been drained out of me and I don't know how to get it back. I am so tired at this point that I am starting to not care. I am so exhausted that I can't hardly sleep and when I do, the nightmares come. I have so much to live much to be happy about that I am angry at myself for not being stronger, not doing better at keeping it together.

My pain levels are high and out of control again so I see everything through the lens of pain, and this is not pretty. I am still waiting on work comp for approval for a pain program to help me with this. I fight this pain and I fight what it does to me. Knowing that it will always be with me is depressing and sometimes scares me. Scares me because of what it does to me and those around me.

I am fighting with all that is in me to just get through today...just thinking about tomorrow makes me more tired but I have to because somehow I have to get off this downward spiral that I am on...I have to figure out how to make this roller coaster come to a's hard because so many of these things are out of my control...they just are...and somehow I have just got to accept them for what they are.

Tomorrow my daughter and her boyfriend will be leaving and that will be hard. Having to let go of someone that you just want to hang on to because it's the best and right thing to do is so damn hard. This time with her went so fast and every moment was precious. In the past year that we have been apart, she has continued to grow into such a fine, beautiful woman. I have never seen her look so good nor look so happy. This makes me incredibly happy. I will do the right thing and let her go happily back to the place she has made for herself in this world.

I keep telling myself that this is just a season in my life...that I will find myself again...that some day I won't be this tired anymore. But, for now my dear Internet friends, this is where I'm at. As much as I love writing and know how it helps me, some days I am too tired to write anything. As much as I love reading what you have to say, some days I am too tired to read or comment, so if you don't hear from me please know that it's not because I don't want to visit your's just that I can' life has been drained out of me and I am trying with all that is in me to get it back.


Heather said...

Please, PLEASE take care of yourself. Don't worry about us.

I wish I could reach out and give you a great big hug. Will you settle for a virtual one?


Beth said...


you talk about you have fibromyalgia? cuz I do and that's exactly how I felt before I weas diagnosed with fibro.

can you get to a dr soon?

as women and mothers, we always take care of others before we take care of ourselves...we are always last, and then we break down and the whole family falls apart. I KNOW this. and it IS hard to find the time....
dang, I wish we lived close to each other....I would so help you out girlfriend.

hugs to you

smiles4u said...

Heather, thank you for the hug...and I am trying to take care of myself.

Beth, thank pain is from a neck and skull injury I have from being assulted while working at a group home. There is nothing more the doctors can do for me except give me pain medications which means narcotics... which I did for over 2 years and then went through a pain program for 5 weeks to get off all the drugs they had me on. I don't get anything for the pain now. Now all they can do is help me deal with the pain. There is a pain program that my doctor is trying to get me into but has to be approved of work comp first so now we are just waiting on that. It sucks but I have grown used to it.

Cheryl said...

Hey Girl,
I'm sad to hear you are unhappy. I wish you could relax for a couple of days maybe without the kids, you know it would be great for you. Hubby and you need a vacation. Ya, easy for me to say right. I just wish you didn't hurt so much. I'm glad you had you had a nice visit with your daughter and her partner. They are an adorable couple. Gotta run, have an early day tomorrow with alot of work ahead of me. Our basement is on the rise, it's pretty amazing. You take care of yourself okay. Will be blogging soon.

smiles4u said...

cheryl, thank you...yes, I know we need a break just the two of us...we are working on that. I can't wait to see pictures of your big happy for you!