In our family...

In our family....we do second chances...we do grace...we do real...we do mistakes...we do I'm sorry (and I forgive you)...we do loud really well...we do hugs...we do family...we do love.

Friday, May 30, 2008

Happy, Happy Birthday Dear Daughter

My youngest daughter is 21 years old today. This is my 4th child to reach this milestone in their life...this means I am old enough to have 4 children that can legally yeah, I am feelin old this morning. Each time one of my children has a birthday I really do thank God for the gift of them...I celebrate them but I also celebrate the fact that they have been in my life for X amount of years and all that their life has done to me and for my life and the relationships I have with them that are so precious and ways it feels like it is my birthday the way that in giving birth to them, they gave birth to me, the mommy...the mom...the mother...each time I gave birth, more of me evolved...they have made me a better person. Now with my new little ones...even though I didn't give birth to them physically, I did in my heart...their very lives make my life evolve even more...I see myself still becoming more of what I already was.

So, here's to my little girl who has grown up on me...faster then I would have liked...better then I imagined. I celebrate your life...each precious second that I have gotten to have you in my life. You bless my life. You have taught me many things in your 21 years. You are a wonderful young woman with so many passions. You are still on the road of discovering yourself and sometime that road is a bumpy one...mistakes are fall down and get back up...sometimes you even get lost and go down a wrong road only to discover something so beautiful(Aidyn) to take back with you to the main's the learning from the mistakes that is important...there is something good in even the hard things...the ugly things. Life is not about being's finding the perfect in the imperfect.

You have been a mommy yourself for a year now....a beautiful mommy, that is learning and growing...Aidyn will raise you up, just as you did me. You are an incredible mommy. But, you are so much more than a have so many gifts and are one of the most passionate people I know. Don't stop searching for yourself out there...find those things that you love and do them...don't ever give up on those dreams you have and those dreams you will find while along the way. Nothing is impossible. Don't ever stop being true to yourself. Always and forever be you. Always know that I believe in you....I am on your side. I will never give up on you...there is nothing you could do to make me stop loving you or being there for you.

Happy, happy birthday dear daughter of still toss and turn my heart...I love you all the way to the moon and back!

Thursday, May 29, 2008

This is a test...this is a test...I will pass this test...I will pass this test...This is what I keep telling myself anyways.

As most of you know, my little man turned 3 years old this past Sunday. Sometime around 5 pm that evening, my little man, disappeared...not physically, mind you, but someone or something has taken over his body that must be from another planet. I wrote a post on Monday about how that day had started(I don't kiss butts) and believe me that was just the beginning of this downward spiral.

Since then our days have been filled with throwing ourselves on the ground, hitting & choking his sister(she will be 2 in 2 months) and throwing her down on the ground , hitting other kids in the daycare, spitting at people, egging people on to have arguments...okay people do NOT argue with a 3 year old!...talking back, endlessly teasing his sister and taking her stuff does not end there but I think you get the picture. I am being tested.

So yeah, this is kinda kicking my butt right now. He might be strong but I am stronger. What little man doesn't know is that I have walked this road before, with my youngest son who will soon be 19 years old...had he been my first child he would have been an only wasn't pretty, but I persevered and came out on top. I survived and so did he...he turned out to be a great kid and now a very nice young's just that going from point A to point B was extremely hard. There were times, like now, that I didn't think I was going to make it...literally. I cried many days and nights and questioned my parenting abilities just as I do now.

On one side, I look at my little man who is driving me completely crazy right now with his behaviors and yet continues to wrap his little arms around me countless times a day and tells me he loves me... on the other, I look at my son, who back in the day did the very same things, who now is this incredible, smart, hardworking, caring, kind, gentle young man who still hugs me and tells me he loves me every day...and then I am reminded that there is hope for a better day and that yes, I can be...must be strong and perservere to the end with my little man. I will pass this test...we both will.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

From there to here

In just a blink of an eye our children go from there to here and those moments in between are gifts for our memory to keep.

Picture obsession

I have a confession. I am obsessed with pictures. My husband calls it my addiction but whatever...I simply love taking them...looking at them...sharing them with people. I am not saying that's a bad thing...I'm just a little overwhelmed with pictures right now...okay very overwhelmed. It's my own fault's not like I didn't know this day was coming. My youngest son is graduating from high school this weekend and I am trying to work on picture boards to display at his graduation party.

Lets just say that I do NOT have my pictures organized in any way, shape or form, other then the ones on my computer from my digital camera and that's only from the last year or two since I got my camera. The ones before then...are all stored in two big Rubbermaid rhyme or reason to any of it...what started out(many years ago) as a some what organized container of pictures still in their envelopes has turned into two containers that look like a tornado struck down and dropped a bunch of pictures into buckets!

This is NOT what I intended...these pictures were put in these containers(many years ago) in a somewhat organized manner so that when I started "scrap booking" or putting them into albums that it would be easy. My intention was to have nice books to display at my children's graduation parties and the pictures organized in such a way that making these display boards would be simple...yeah right. My eldest child graduated 8 years ago and after the grueling process of sorting and digging through pictures I swore that by the next one I would be ready...yeah right...and swore this each time I faced these didn't happen because this is my 5Th child to graduate and of course more pictures have been added in over the years(thus the 2 buckets)and now I have a MESS!

To my defense...I am not the only one that made this big mess of pictures. My kids would dig in these pictures while looking for a certain picture through out the years. Over time they were left out of the envelopes they came in and ever so slowly mixed all together. So, yeah, I will blame my kids because the lord knows how many things they have blamed me for.

Back in the day, when my kids were growing up I had a cheap camera, there was no such a thing as digital cameras back then. So, when I got my film developed(I should say if I got them developed because many times it didn't even make it that far!), I would have a bunch of pictures that sat in envelopes because out of the whole roll of film there were probably only a few that I thought were good...but more so it was my intention to eventually put them in albums or to scrapbook them. Before putting them away I would TRY to write on the envelope or the back of the pictures so I would remember who or what the picture was of years later....yeah right.

Fast forward to the I am, going through pictures that are a compilation of my whole past life but mostly the last 27 years all mixed together. Most of the pictures have no writing on them and most are not in envelopes anymore. I have been looking through pictures and honestly, some of them I am clueless about...some of them are just plain stupid...some are horrible, I mean HORRIBLE pictures and have not one clue to why I kept them...some are so random that I am thinking "what the hell was I thinking?" Each time I have gone through these pictures I have thrown some out as I have been doing this time. My husband just laughs and shakes his head at me and my mess, while muttering about my picture addiction...he is no help.

Scattered through out this sea of pictures are the pictures worth digging for...they are sweet, precious, beautiful pictures capturing my children, my loved ones, from their births, through out their growing up years to recent years. To those of you with young children, take this story of my disorganized pictures as a lesson to take care of, meaning organize your pictures while they are young and don't wait like I have. I know it's much easier when you have a digital camera but non the less, save yourself the stress later on! But, don't stop taking pictures...don't stop capturing the everyday moments because one day they will be all that you have of that time in your lives.

I have cried and laughed while viewing these pictures and the memories flood my mind and heart as I write this morning, of my littlest boy that has grown up on me. I look at these pictures of my little boy that is no longer a little boy and I cannot believe where the years I want to go back and just hang on to him for awhile longer. How very thankful I am that I did take so many pictures that capture his life. As I try to capture his life to display at his party, I am sure I will cry many more will be part of my letting go of my now young man.

Monday, May 26, 2008

I don't kiss butts

For the most part, I am a glass half full kind of person. I tend to be more positive then negative. Most of the time I see the many blessings that surround me. I tend to focus on the good in people and not their flaws. Mostly, I am an optimistic person. I am usually a pretty nice person. With all that said, the depraved part of my humanness... the part that says, "I have had enough"..."No, I don't want to be doing this right now"..."Would everyone please shut the f*** up"..."leave me the hell alone"..."I'm done, I quit"....still likes to come out and play once in awhile...sometime more often then I would like it to.

Right now, it's knocking on my door...quite loudly I might add...and I am trying with everything that is in me to ignore it and pretend it's not there. I don't feel positive and I don't feel nice right now...nope I'm just not feelin it and honestly I don't care either. This has been the kind of morning that I just want to hide under a rock...a quiet rock. Life with a 3 year old little boy and an almost 2 year old little girl can get pretty monotonous to say the least. Life is loud here at my house...with 7 people what can I expect? Life just doesn't STOP because you've had enough.

The endless talking and questions, the screaming,whining, tattling and fighting with each other, diapers...ah yes, the potty training that needs to happen SOON but you try to explain that to a 3 year old that just doesn't give a sh** about sitting in his own sh**...the endless "oweys" that need to be kissed in order for life to go on...take this morning for example, little man hurts his butt somehow, runs to me crying saying "kiss my butt mommy" and I say "you know I don't kiss butts" and kiss my hand and touch his butt, which sends him even more over the edge and screaming "I need you to kiss my butt with your lips to make it better mommy" over and over again...dear lord it's only 7:15 in the morning...I tell him to get a grip and shut myself in the bathroom to which he screams from the other side of the door " I don't want a grip mommy I want you"...I actually told him that I wasn't coming out of the bathroom (yeah right)until he stopped acting rediculous and instantly he stopped...I open the door and there he is smiling at me like NON of this happened and he says " I'm done acting rediculous mommy"....yeah, that didn't happen...I put him in his bed for a time out rest by 8:30....and little lady in her room to play soon after.

Since it's a holiday there is no school so of course I don't work so we get to stay home...lucky me...for the most part it's great to have an extra day to do things around here but have you ever tried to accomplish things with little ones? Today I almost feel inmobilized.

Honestly, I have a lot on my plate right now besides trying to be a good sons graduation party to get ready for, not to mention the heaviness of my heart over his moving far away and preparing my heart to let pain levels have been high and I am meeting with my lawyer this week to go over my case with her and hopefully get some answers so I can put this part of my life to rest once and for all...I really, really miss my 2 daughters and granddaughter that live in different states...our legal issues in the custody battle with my step daughter...we still are waiting on papers that need to be signed by her and if they aren't signed soon, we are headed for a long, expensive court battle which only complicates our relationship with her even more so and always in the back of my head are the thoughts of her new baby coming this fall...these are painful issues for me and I struggle with how to handle it all....this is not all but you get the point that there is enough on my plate.

I am not looking for people to feel sorry for me and I'm not saying I have it so bad or worse then the next person...I'm just saying I'm not a pretty sight this morning. I want normal. I want resolution to the open ended legal issues. I want to know that we can continue to protect these two little children as long as we need to....I HATE walking on egg shells with her...I HATE my pain and HATE that I will have it for the rest of my life....I HATE that it affects me the way it does...I HATE that my son is moving away from me. I am a person that doesn't like the word fact I have always made my children use the word dislike in place of hate when ever they would say something like "I hate this." and I would make them rephrase it to "I dislike this." I have tried to be an example of this and not use this in my vocabulary myself. So, here I am using that word today. Whenever I have caught myself using the word hate and other less appealing words, I usually realize that it is because I am having a stinky attitude. Today my attitude sucks and honestly I don't care.

Sunday, May 25, 2008

The birthday boy!

I have no idea what happened, but the entry I wrote this morning says it was Saturday not Sunday like it was suppose to. So today (Sunday) is little mans 3rd birthday. We had a great day celebrating our little 6:30 he and little lady were so tired that we didn't even have his birthday cake! Something to look forward to tomorrow when uncle A comes over since he ran into problems at work and couldn't make it today. He loved his birthday as you see in these pictures.

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Happy Birthday my little man

Totally Terrifically Three!

You rock little man!

You are amazing!

We celebrate you!

It's a happy day!

Our little guy is three years old today. This little person that came into my life two and a half years ago has interupted my life in such a way that it will never be the same. Ever. From the moment I met him, his big brown eyes and his sweet, sweet spirit captured my heart. I have loved him ever since...that love has grown and now he has me wrapped around his great big heart. He is my little love. He loves everyone...I mean everyone....and he usually makes sure that you know it too. He loves to talk about all the people he knows...especially the people he knows that love him. Believe me if he knows you he talks about you to me...all of the time!

I cannot imagine my life without him. I cannot imagine a day without him. He has made me a mommy again, by his own choosing...what an honor to be called this by this little boy. He fills up my days with so much love, joy, laughter, fun, noise, craziness, complete madness...each day of mine is filled with his laughter, his talking...he never stops talking...sometimes, the things he says to me blow my mind, his attitude...boy does he have one of those as he loudly lets me know just what he thinks or wants, his sweetness, his kisses and hugs...they are endless, his beautiful smiles, his so captures the hearts of everyone that he meets.

Today is his special day...we celebrate this day that he came into our world....we celebrate him in all his specialness and sweetness...all the things that make him who he is! We celebrate this life that makes our lives so much better.

We are celebrating this morning as a family...having a birthday breakfast, opening presents...and then little man is actually going to help me make his cake since helping me cook and bake is one of his most favorite things to do. This afternoon we have a graduation party to attend for one of my moms that finished school....this is very special for me since I have gotten to be part of her journey as a young mom and getting to be grandma to her little girl who turned 3 not too long ago and is one of little mans bestest friends. Later today his uncle that he is crazy about is coming over after he's done working. Hopefully, it won't be raining so we can have a fire since that is another one of his favorite things. He is having a birthday party on friday after school with all of his big and little friends at a park in the town that I work in. He is most definetly looking forward to this!

Little man is up and so excited about it being his birthday...he wants to make his cake, wants to open presents, he's getting hungry, he is sooo better finish here and on to our fun morning. I will post some birthday pictures later!

Friday, May 23, 2008


I am really liking having this blog to write...those that really know me, know that I like to write. Growing up I wrote a lot and even though I was a big screw up in school, it was one thing I was half ways good at in school. Every English teacher I ever had told me that I should pursue writing. I loved writing so I wrote....stories, poems, journals..whatever. When I got out of drug treatment in my early twenties I did a lot of soul searching, wanting to find my place in this world. During this time, I came across a box full of all my writings from my was like I was hit by a truck as I read these things I had written. I spent a whole day sobbing as I read and then I did a really stupid thing...I took all of it outside and started it on fire. I thought getting rid of "it" (which represented the past "me") in this way I would be getting rid of the old me and my past....I wanted nothing to do with my past...I wanted to be free. I was vulnerable and afraid because I didn't know how I was going to get through life without being high...I didn't want any reminders of who I was then.

I came to realize soon after that burning the memories of my past didn't make "it" go away. I learned that it's those things that shaped me and made me who I am today. I regret burning these things because they represented the one thing I ever felt good at something. I regret it because it would be nice to read these things now from where I am at. I have been drug free for almost 23 years now so I did learn how to live without being high...that is something I do feel good about and don't ever want to forget. But, for the grace of God, I would not be here writing about being drug free...but for the grace of God, I would still be using.

I hope that I can keep making it a priority to write in this blog. I only started this a week ago and yet I can feel a sense of the me that doesn't get to come out very often starting to really like this.

My Thursday Answers

I thought about this all day and the first three people that came to my mind were my three daughters and how nice it would be to spend a whole week with just them...still there are so many people I would want to pick and actually my first instinct would be to pick my husband and run away with him for a week since we have never been anywhere together and it could be our honeymoon but since I said three people.......then I thought of all my friends that I would love to spend a week fact we have talked about doing something together for years but there is no way I could narrow it down to back to my daughters.

I would want to go to a secluded place that was by the ocean and if there is such a place that is near mountains that is where I would want us to go...kind of like a spa retreat where they gave us all kinds of massages, spa treatments, yoga and Tai Chi on the sand by the ocean..fed us really good healthy foods and good wines and we would be the only four people there except for those taking care of us!

The three things I would leave behind are each of my daughters cell phones and would leave mine behind too....sorry girls.
The three things I would bring with....champaigne to celebrate this running shoes so that I could take morning runs along the beach with my camera so that I could capture the beauty of my daughters and our surroundings.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Three Thursday Thoughts

If you could spend a week all alone with three people, who would they be?

Where would you spend this week?

What are three things you would most definitely bring with you? What are three things you would most definitely leave home?

Just some things to think about today. Please feel free to share your answers in the comments. I am going to think about these questions today and hopefully get a chance to share my answers later.

Hope you have a great day!

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

My son has become a man

It seems like just yesterday that he was this young boy with the great big smile, who was always getting hurt. Now he is a man with a great big smile, who still gets hurts! Sometimes I forget that I did not physically give birth to him...yes, I gave birth to him in my heart and it feels like he has always been here. He has another mother that lives in heaven and I vowed to her and to God that I would love him like a son and treat him as such. It has been easy to keep that vow. I don't look at him any differently then the children I gave birth to, so it is easy for me to forget that he did not come from my fact he doesn't have an ounce of my blood in him.

I was reminded of our story...our history, on Monday, when one of my former students(Moms) stopped by to see me along with her little girl. This young woman knows my son and didn't know that he wasn't my son by blood until very recently. She was shocked because of how much she thinks he looks like me and my other children, especially my middle daughter. She asked me about this in front of some of the moms that were in the room and they all began to praise me for what I did in taking him to raise. This is exactly why I don't tell people. I don't want people to think I am so wonderful for doing this. I am the one that is blessed here with a son that came to me out of tragedy and became an unexpected gift to me.

I did not take him as a son because I felt sorry for him. I took him as my son because I felt God calling me to do this. I lost two children to stillbirths and I told him when I first got him that his mom was up in heaven rocking my babies for me and that I was here to love and care for him here on earth for her. I truly felt Gods hand on us. Taking him felt so right... so perfect...he seemed like the child I had been waiting for.

In my mind he is my son and those that know how that came to be, know that I hate explaining the story and don't want people to look at him any differently then they do the ones I gave birth to. It was painful to go through the process of grieving with him over his many losses. He suffered more loss in his young life then most do in a life time. God was good to us...he did much healing and with the love of those around him he became such a part of our family that not one of us look at him as if he wasn't born into our family. I did not do this alone. It was a family thing...his three sisters and brother had a very big hand in this...we couldn't have done this without them.

I have been blessed over and over by this precious son of special gift sent to me from heaven. He is an extrodinary man of character. He is everything I could hope for in a son. He is an example for his younger brother. He is such a great uncle to his two neices and 2 nephews...some day he will make a great father to his own children.

My son is living proof that good can come out of tragedy and that life can continue after the storm. He is living proof that God can work miracles of healing in those that have suffered great loss. He is my proof that gifts and children come in all different ways. He has taught me many lessons along this journey that I will never lose sight of. He is my reminder that life is precious and that we need to hold on tightly to those we love, because each day is a gift with them.

Thank you dear son, for all the years of love you have given me...for being so good to me...for allowing me to be your mom here on earth. Your mom and dad in heaven are so proud of you and the fine man that you are my special gift. I love you!

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Oh, daughters of mine...

My son came home from school this afternoon and gave me an unexpected gift of time to myself by taking my two little people to the park...thus giving me a chance to write something that I had been thinking about while I was at work today.

Since I wrote this morning before work, the thought hit me that this ache in my heart is so familiar because it is something I have felt since my daughters moved away from me. I never ever stop missing them. I used to believe that one day I would just get used to this...them living across the country from me. There's not a day that I don't think about them, that I don't feel their it be a holiday or special family gathering, but as much on the ordinary days when I just want to give them a hug, see their smiling faces, or share an ordinary moment with them.

I think about all the years I got to parent them; teaching them, guiding, supporting them, trying to equip them for life...their life...their journey...always wanting them to believe in believe that they could do anything they set out to do and that mistakes are not failures but something to learn from and to not let mistakes stop them from moving on...that the possibilities for their lives were endless. It goes with the saying I wanted to give them wings and teach them how to fly. I did the best I could to teach them all these things so that they as woman could fly all on their own.

In teaching them to fly, I didn't think about the possibility of them flying so far away from the nest...from me. Had I known then what I know now, would I have done things differently? Taught them to stay closer to home? The answer has to be no because they wouldn't be who they are today if it wasn't for them taking their own journey...their own flight to find their place in this world. I see their happiness...I see them figuring things out for themselves, doing things their way, following their dreams, forming their own ideas, finding the truth of who they are without the influence of mom...they are making their own inprint in this world and how can I not want that for them?

Sometimes life happens and our wings get wounded and we have to fly home for a time...just as my youngest daughter has done in flying back to the nest. I know this is just for a season of time...I know I must cherish this time with her while I have it because I know that soon her wings will be healed and she will be strong enough to fly away once again...stronger, wiser from having taken this time to humbly come home for healing. Will it be easier a second time? No, because this time her own baby bird, my sweet precious grandson will fly away with her. I must continue to love, teach, support and believe in her so that she can be strong enough to do it all on her own.

I see these amazing young women that are constantly evolving into themselves...their uniquness, those special little things that make them who they are remain the same...they just become more beautiful as they mature....these loving, strong couragous women that I stand in awe of make my heart smile every day. I grew up with these daughters of mine...they have taught me so much in my journey as a mom...they have raised me to be the mother I am today.

Thank you dear daughters of mine...for all that you have taught me(and continue to teach me), for the never ending grace that you have bestowed upon me time and time again. You are women of character and true beauty and it is an honor to be called your mom. I love you to the moon and back. XXXOOO

Letting Go

My mother heart is aching...for the children I have already let go of...that have moved on to their own journeys and for the one that is preparing to leave me...I have been working on letting go of him...preparing my own self to let go when all I want to do is hang on to him for dear life. I know I can't do this...I won't do this...BUT, I want to....just like I wanted to hang on to my other four children when their time came to leave. When they come home from their far away homes, part of me still to this day, wants to hang on to them.

In a short time he will be graduating from high baby...who has grown into such a fine young man that I am so proud of. This is his last week of I wrote the last check for school lunches that I will ever write (and yes, I am well aware with raising the two little ones I could be doing this again, but it is not the same. We all know that people can't be replaced.)...last night went to his senior honors program...the end is in near sight. As I watched him drive away for school this morning, it hit me that in less then a month I will watch him drive away for the last time as he leaves to move across the country to live and go to college...far away from me.

This is killing my heart. Memories of him...his life fill my mind as I write this. I really wasn't suppose to have any more children and had even been on birth control to prevent this from happening, when he came to be...I know God must have wanted me to have him because even the doctor could not believe I had conceived. Since I get horribly sick through out my entire pregnancys and it was medically not recommended that I have any more children, there was concern by both the doctors and myself of what was to come, I was scared to death. I remember like it was yesterday, standing out in the clinic waiting room, crying while a good friend hugged me and told me that it was going to be okay and that God would take care of us. And yes, it was a touch pregancy with 10 days in the hospital for the sickness and periods of being on bed rest and yes, I was sick until the day I gave birth to this 10 pound baby boy...who by the way took his good ole time by coming 2 weeks late. God did take care of him and me...God did have a plan for his life to be in this world....and it's been a wonderful life. Now here he is almost 19 years later....preparing for a new journey...a journey of his own.

Monday, May 19, 2008

Mommy and Daddy

Ever since I wrote yesterday, I have been thinking about this new role of ours in being "mommy and daddy" and not just grandma and grandpa. I know we do all the work and put in all the love that a mommy and daddy do. We have been caring for them full time for over a year now and most of the time before that. For our granddaughter who will be two in August, our home is the only home she knows. Because I have cared for her for most of her life, the two of us have bonded with each other. She does not know her real mommy as mommy, although we talk about who mommy is through pictures.

Our grandson, who will be three in less then a week, still knows his real mommy. He talks to her on the phone every day. He knows she lives far away and that she does love him. He knows I am his grandma, yet he calls me mommy. Even though we have always addressed ourselves as grandpa and grandma and not once said "I am your mommy or I am your daddy".

Let me just say here, that I have read books and articles about the importance of me it is common sense that a lack of a father will affect children in one way or another. I have discussed this with my husband all along the affects on these two little ones of being denied a daddy and that eventually we would have to deal with this fact and it's affect on these children. Both have different fathers and neither are involved with them...never have been...this makes me very sad for them. It is a tragedy when children are denied a daddy...every child deserves one.

A few months ago when my grandson began to ask where his daddy was, I would say that I didn't know...I really don't know, but, know it is very likely his father is in jail or prison which of course I am not going to tell him this. At first my anwering in this way was fine...until one day, he wouldn't stop with the questions. This was very likely due to the fact that a couple of daddys were in our daycare room at school to pick up their kids. I explained to him that he had a special grandpa instead that did all the things that daddys do and that he was very lucky. This answer was acceptable to him for a couple of weeks, but during this time it became very evident to me, his deep need to have someone to call "daddy" just like his friends that he played with every day.

I left it alone....until one day, when one of the daddy's was in our room, he asked this young man, "where is my daddy?" and of course not knowing our situation he said "I don't know, where is your daddy?" My grandson answered very matter of factly and quite proudly, "my daddy is driving his big milk truck! Right mommy, my daddy drives a milk truck!" Tears filled my eyes as I realized just how much he needed this "daddy". He began to tell everyone that grandpa was really his daddy and that grandma was his newest mommy...that his other mommy lived far away and that his mommy and daddy will always take care of him. We don't argue the point with him and of course our granddaughter copies everything her big brother does so she calls us the same thing.

In no way are we trying to repalce their real mommy or their daddies by birth. We are just trying to give them a normal, secure, happy, loving home that they can thrive in. In being their "mommy" I am not trying to take anything away from their real mommy...I am trying to give them something they need. I am not trying to remove her or hurt her but I am sure she takes it that way. It is not that I don't care how she feels...I walk on egg shells with her because I don't want to fight with her...I don't want the drama because I get so easily pulled it. I am not the enemy, just trying to give them the best they deserve, just as I promised her I would. In my mind, it is not about her but about them and that is what matters the most. Maybe I am wrong...if I am I will learn that I am sure. We are walking on unknown territory...all my years of being a mom and working with young people did not prepare me for this...all the decisions...knowing what is best for them...always what is best for them.

Part of me feels like we have earned these names of "mommy and daddy", yet I still feel twinges of guilt because they call us these names. It makes them so happy and if you could see the way they look at us, you would know just what I am talking about.

Not everyone is understanding of what we are doing. Some people judge. Some people avoid or don't want to talk or hear about it. Friendships have changed. Even those that are supportive don't fully understand what we are going through. I feel isolated much of the time...I am lonely. I don't have all the answers and I surely don't do things perfectly...just trying to do the best that I can each day.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Happily ever after...

At this time, two years ago, my husband and I were preparing for our upcoming wedding and making plans for our new life together. All of my children were gone from home except for my youngest son, who was almost 17 and lived between my home and his dads. For the first time in my life I had freedoms that I hadn't ever really had before since I became a mom when I was still actually a child myself. I wasn't consummed with motherhood duties like I had been for so many years. It was my time for me. Please don't get me wrong here...I LOVE being a mom...being a mother is something that lives at the core of me and I have not one regret over having my children, as young as I was or as busy as it was my whole life. The bottom line is, I had put my time in and now that my youngest didn't need me all the time, I had freedoms to do things I had always wanted to do outside of being "mom".

This was my time and add finding the love of my life to this and I was elated to say the least. We made plans for our life together. I knew then that in two years(which is now)my youngest son would be graduating from high school and that we would be freed up even more to do some of those things we wanted to do. Our wedding came and then I moved into his house...we had so much fun making our home together, which of course included my youngest son.

Three weeks later, my step daughter, who is in her early twenties and already had a 14 month old son, gave birth to our granddaughter. Life as we knew it came to an abrupt end. We were interupted. Neither father of her children was involved so she was completely alone. Now some people would say, she made her bed now she can lie in it. I am not one of those people. These kinds of things have been said to me by people that I loved and in no way, shape or form did these things help me. We did everything we possibly could to help support her...maybe we did too much? I just know that our lives completely stopped at this point from going in the direction of our plans. What started out as helping turned into our having them most of the us having them completely. Talk about total interuption of life.

It was never our intention to be starting over in the "daddy" & "mommy" department. We didn't plan for this. But, here we are anyways. They have totally, completely changed our lives...there is not one thing in my life that is the same. This is one of the hardest things I have ever done. There is no training or manual for things like to parent your to be mommy to children you didn't give birth to. I am back to page one of mommyhood. I must say that I love these two little ones completely, as if they were my own...I have given birth to them in my heart, just as my husband has. They have blessed our lives. They are so happy, content and loving.

They started calling us daddy and mommy a few months ago out of the blue...we have always addressed ourselves as grandma and grandpa...they are the ones that gave us these blessed names. These little people interupted our lives in a very big way...we are still adjusting, learning, trying to figure all this out...but we are doing it together. This is a team effort of my husband and myself, my youngest son, who is a wonder with these little ones, who have come to love him like he is there big brother, and my daugher & her son, who have since moved in with us, is so awesome with them and also like a big sister to them. The rest of my children, although not here are such a support and the little ones just love them.

Yes, there are days I miss my old new life but I would not trade this for anything. They are my new life now...they are my sweet interuptions!

Saturday, May 17, 2008

Man interuption

I have been thinking about where to start with my story. If I started from the beginning of my life it would take way too long. I figure, over time, bits and peices from way back when will come out, here and there. So, I thought I would start out talking about my husband...the love of my life, since he is the greatest interuption of my life. Before my husband came into my life, I had failed miserably at two marriages, mainly because I was in them for all the wrong reasons and basically most of my relationships with men were unhealthy. I have always gotten along great with guys as friends. In fact, I would say at most times in my life, my best friends have been guys and it drove them crazy that I was stupid when it came to love. Take it any further and I lost my brains. Plain and simple, I suck in the man department...until now of course.

To make a long story short (is there such a thing?)I had finally had enough of the crap in my life and so made the decision to stop dating all together and just took the time to soul search,to be alone with myself and actually got to liking it and was okay just being alone, got to know myself and started to love myself for the first time ever. This was a major life interuption for me because I had never been alone...sure I still had my kids but I was alone with myself and I was happy. During this time I made the vow to myself that I would no longer settle for anything less then the best and that never, ever would I marry for any other reason then finding the love of my life.

I did not go out looking for found me all on its own and when I least expected it. I truely believe it found me because I had found myself first. I knew my husband from a distance...his brother was married to one of my best friends. I was in his brothers & my friends wedding years ago and I never saw him again until years later since he lived out of state. About two and a half years ago while I was out with his brother and my friend, he showed up at where we were was not set up or planned...that night we had a blast just dancing and was great fun but I didn't let myself think anything other than the fact that I thought he was a nice guy and that I hoped he would call me but if he didn't that would be okay too...he did call of a very short time, we both knew that we had found what we were looking for in each other...7 months later we got married. In July, we will be married two years.

I waited my whole life for this man. He is amazing. I never dreamed being married could be like this. He is my partner, my best friend, my companion, and he loves me so wonderfully...he makes me feel beautiful...he sees things in me that I can't see...he believes in me and he never ever gives up on me...he makes me feel like I can do anything. He loves and accepts me for who I am and never ever once has he tried to change me...he encourages and supports me. He is gentle and soft and yet strong...I always feel safe and protected with him. I love how he can make me laugh and smile every of the things I can count on with him is that I know we will laugh together, no matter how tough it gets some days. What makes him so perfect is that he isn't perfect and doesn't think he's perfect either...which gives me permission to be human. I love this man with all my heart, soul and mind.

I am so thankful that he interupted my sebatical from men. In turn, I am thankful for the interuption called a sabatical, to search my soul. I am so glad that I took the time for myself so that he could find me...and me him. Honestly, I don't think I would have found him, if I hadn't taken the time to learn to love work through more of my junk, so that I could get that junk out of the way. I had no idea that so many things were standing in my way of real love until I was standing on the other side, looking back. Now that real love lives with me daily, I do not take it for granted...I hang onto it and cherish it for what it is...a constant precious gift.

Welcome to my life!

Welcome to my life of interuptions! I have pondered starting my own blog for quite some time now but to be honest I didn't even know what a blog was until about a year ago. I started reading various blogs a few months ago and found myself very drawn to them. I have always been a people fact, people watching has always been one of my favorite things to do...not in a creepy, stalker kind of way, but in the way that I find people fascinating and pretty amazing actually. I love getting to know people and realize how much I can learn from others.

I am not totally sure the reasons behind my starting this blog...maybe to connect with my 2 daughters and granddaughter that live far, far away from me or the many family and friends that I don't get to see enough of or just people in general that might relate to things that I have to say. Maybe, this will be my place to express myself while trying to figure out the many interuptions that come into my life....thus the name for this blog...this is the story of my life with the many interuptions...some welcome, some not so much. I have come to believe that interuptions have a purpose... a lesson I needed to learn or the interuption has been one of the biggest blessings of my life. I don't always understand and don't always know how to handle these interuptions...and honestly, I am here to say, I haven't always handled these interuptions in the best of ways. This is my journey of learning about life, myself and those I love. Welcome to my journey!