I am really liking having this blog to write...those that really know me, know that I like to write. Growing up I wrote a lot and even though I was a big screw up in school, it was one thing I was half ways good at in school. Every English teacher I ever had told me that I should pursue writing. I loved writing so I wrote....stories, poems, journals..whatever. When I got out of drug treatment in my early twenties I did a lot of soul searching, wanting to find my place in this world. During this time, I came across a box full of all my writings from my past...it was like I was hit by a truck as I read these things I had written. I spent a whole day sobbing as I read and then I did a really stupid thing...I took all of it outside and started it on fire. I thought getting rid of "it" (which represented the past "me") in this way I would be getting rid of the old me and my past....I wanted nothing to do with my past...I wanted to be free. I was vulnerable and afraid because I didn't know how I was going to get through life without being high...I didn't want any reminders of who I was then.
I came to realize soon after that burning the memories of my past didn't make "it" go away. I learned that it's those things that shaped me and made me who I am today. I regret burning these things because they represented the one thing I ever felt good at something. I regret it because it would be nice to read these things now from where I am at. I have been drug free for almost 23 years now so I did learn how to live without being high...that is something I do feel good about and don't ever want to forget. But, for the grace of God, I would not be here writing about being drug free...but for the grace of God, I would still be using.
I hope that I can keep making it a priority to write in this blog. I only started this a week ago and yet I can feel a sense of the me that doesn't get to come out very often starting to really like this.