In our family...

In our family....we do second chances...we do grace...we do real...we do mistakes...we do I'm sorry (and I forgive you)...we do loud really well...we do hugs...we do family...we do love.

Monday, February 8, 2010


…forgetful, fake, foolish, freak and “f” upped…are among the words to describe me and how I am feeling.

Before I get into that, I must say thank you…thank you…thank you…for your hugs, love and encouragement. I am sorry I haven’t commented on your posts lately. I try to read but it’s difficult. I hope you know how much your thoughts, prayers and love have meant to me. XX

While the flu like symptoms of withdrawal are better, the others are not.

I am not myself. And I surely don’t like who I am right now.

Every day I stare at the computer screen and will my fingers to move.To just write. Anything. But, my mind isn’t working. It’s like I am losing my voice.

Or at least a voice that makes sense.

Just writing this will be difficult.

Everything I read, I have to reread over and over again. I get these brain zaps that make me lose my thoughts.

I still feel exhausted.

My head/mind is just really messed up. I am feeling things I haven’t felt in a really long time and I don’t know why.

I am sad but I don’t have the words to tell you why.

I do try to put into words what I am feeling but it feels like I am making no sense.

I will hear myself talking really really fast and I want to scream “just shut the fuck up!”

I am crying on the inside almost always. Sometimes real tears come and I’m afraid I won’t stop.

I am scared of hurting the feelings of those around me…of saying the wrong things.

I am angry at myself. Why do I so easily beat the crap out of myself???

I don’t leave my house except to work and even in that I know I’m falling very short.

I would like it if I never had to leave the safety of home.

I don’t really have a desire to be around anyone because it just feels like so much work. This isn’t like me, because I love people.

And yet I’m lonely. So really, I don’t make sense do I?

I go through the motions of living the best I can…cooking, cleaning, laundry, caring for the little’s and going to work…and like everything is okay…it feels like I am not keeping up…it feels so fake.

I can pretend all is well within for so long before it feels like I am going to lose it.

I find myself getting irritated, impatient and intolerant of people. This is not like me.

I feel like freaking the hell out over the stupidest things. This is not like me. 

Listening to other people talk or noise period makes me tired and causes my head to almost spin at times. This is not like me because I love listening to people.

I am having difficulty focusing, concentrating, with being forgetful…I am forgetting really important things, like appointments, being able to form my thoughts into sentences, just being able to think…I think you get the picture.

I worry that everyone is angry with me…disappointed in me…like I am letting everyone down or doing something wrong. I am constantly reminding myself that it most likely just me.

A lot of the time, I just want everything to come to a stop…today we are snowed in so I am getting a moment to stop some of the busyness. 

I am told all of these things I am experiencing are normal but it doesn’t feel normal.

I did see a different doctor and he has me taking some different things. I will see him again soon. Besides the affects of taking Cymbalta, I have health issues caused by long term stress.

If anything good has come out of this, it would be the lesson of taking control of my health…researching and questioning things before I take them and not putting anything into my body that in the long term will not be good.

My sister came this past weekend and we talked about some things from the past…some really painful things that I think needed to be talked about…talking with her made me feel a little less alone about how I feel about our growing up years.

If I’m really honest with you then I will admit to you that all of this weight gain has really hit me like a ton of bricks and I am having a really hard time with it. That it’s been a really big slap to my self esteem. So what does this really say about me? That really deep down I’m a vain person? That it’s easier to focus on this issue then on others?

So yes, I am a big fat mess.

And because of this, my youngest daughter, feels like she needs to move home for awhile. She was already planning on moving back to the Midwest eventually but not this soon. I never asked her to come. I would never do that to my children. In fact I’ve tried not to tell them. Yet, she and my grandson will be here next week sometime…and I cry because it shouldn’t be this way…and yet I cry because a part of me is so happy that they will be here and that feels so selfish.

This feels like failure.

I almost feel foolish telling you these secrets of me.

Still, I am doing what I can right now…eating healthy, exercising, taking all the things the doctor gave me to take, trying to breathe slowly, trying to focus on positive things and thoughts…still, I fear that there is something wrong with me…still, the battle rages on and I hang on by every single thread. I just have to.