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Monday, February 8, 2010

Failing

…forgetful, fake, foolish, freak and “f” upped…are among the words to describe me and how I am feeling.

Before I get into that, I must say thank you…thank you…thank you…for your hugs, love and encouragement. I am sorry I haven’t commented on your posts lately. I try to read but it’s difficult. I hope you know how much your thoughts, prayers and love have meant to me. XX

While the flu like symptoms of withdrawal are better, the others are not.

I am not myself. And I surely don’t like who I am right now.

Every day I stare at the computer screen and will my fingers to move.To just write. Anything. But, my mind isn’t working. It’s like I am losing my voice.

Or at least a voice that makes sense.

Just writing this will be difficult.

Everything I read, I have to reread over and over again. I get these brain zaps that make me lose my thoughts.

I still feel exhausted.

My head/mind is just really messed up. I am feeling things I haven’t felt in a really long time and I don’t know why.

I am sad but I don’t have the words to tell you why.

I do try to put into words what I am feeling but it feels like I am making no sense.

I will hear myself talking really really fast and I want to scream “just shut the fuck up!”

I am crying on the inside almost always. Sometimes real tears come and I’m afraid I won’t stop.

I am scared of hurting the feelings of those around me…of saying the wrong things.

I am angry at myself. Why do I so easily beat the crap out of myself???

I don’t leave my house except to work and even in that I know I’m falling very short.

I would like it if I never had to leave the safety of home.

I don’t really have a desire to be around anyone because it just feels like so much work. This isn’t like me, because I love people.

And yet I’m lonely. So really, I don’t make sense do I?

I go through the motions of living the best I can…cooking, cleaning, laundry, caring for the little’s and going to work…and like everything is okay…it feels like I am not keeping up…it feels so fake.

I can pretend all is well within for so long before it feels like I am going to lose it.

I find myself getting irritated, impatient and intolerant of people. This is not like me.

I feel like freaking the hell out over the stupidest things. This is not like me. 

Listening to other people talk or noise period makes me tired and causes my head to almost spin at times. This is not like me because I love listening to people.

I am having difficulty focusing, concentrating, with being forgetful…I am forgetting really important things, like appointments, being able to form my thoughts into sentences, just being able to think…I think you get the picture.

I worry that everyone is angry with me…disappointed in me…like I am letting everyone down or doing something wrong. I am constantly reminding myself that it most likely just me.

A lot of the time, I just want everything to come to a stop…today we are snowed in so I am getting a moment to stop some of the busyness. 

I am told all of these things I am experiencing are normal but it doesn’t feel normal.

I did see a different doctor and he has me taking some different things. I will see him again soon. Besides the affects of taking Cymbalta, I have health issues caused by long term stress.

If anything good has come out of this, it would be the lesson of taking control of my health…researching and questioning things before I take them and not putting anything into my body that in the long term will not be good.

My sister came this past weekend and we talked about some things from the past…some really painful things that I think needed to be talked about…talking with her made me feel a little less alone about how I feel about our growing up years.

If I’m really honest with you then I will admit to you that all of this weight gain has really hit me like a ton of bricks and I am having a really hard time with it. That it’s been a really big slap to my self esteem. So what does this really say about me? That really deep down I’m a vain person? That it’s easier to focus on this issue then on others?

So yes, I am a big fat mess.

And because of this, my youngest daughter, feels like she needs to move home for awhile. She was already planning on moving back to the Midwest eventually but not this soon. I never asked her to come. I would never do that to my children. In fact I’ve tried not to tell them. Yet, she and my grandson will be here next week sometime…and I cry because it shouldn’t be this way…and yet I cry because a part of me is so happy that they will be here and that feels so selfish.

This feels like failure.

I almost feel foolish telling you these secrets of me.

Still, I am doing what I can right now…eating healthy, exercising, taking all the things the doctor gave me to take, trying to breathe slowly, trying to focus on positive things and thoughts…still, I fear that there is something wrong with me…still, the battle rages on and I hang on by every single thread. I just have to.

 

43 comments:

mommytoalot said...

awww Lori, Just want you to know I'm thinking of you and your family. Hang tight. I'm not sure about that medication...i've googled it..and i'm glad you are coming off of it. I've been through anti depressant withdrawal before and it ain't fun.
I just want you to feel better.
In my prayers.
with much love
Lisa

jpooh said...

Lori, NEVER feel foolish for reaching out and telling us how you feel. NEVER.

MANY of the symptoms you describe are the symptoms of menopause - the inability to concentrate, the irritability, the fatigue, the weepiness - and yes, the weight gain too. I wonder if those symptoms are being much exacerbated by the withdrawal from the Cymbalta.

I am so glad you are seeing a different doctor - I hope he will be able to help you. I am even more glad your daughter is coming to stay with you - good! You need the love and help and support she can and wants to give you. Let her.

(((Lori)))

Jan from the Sushi Bar

Brittany said...

I need you to know one thing:

I LOVE LOVE LOVE YOU!

I do not feel "obligated" to come and be with you! I WANT to be with you! You have helped me out so much in my life, that it is my time to help take care of you! It is out of love not obligation. Never forget that!

I am so excited to be with you soon! Hold tight only a little over a week! YAHOOOOO!!!!

Kit Kat said...

Oh lori,
This WILL pass. And I pray that it does soon. You will not feel like this forever. And it is so much better to get these negative gross feelings that you are having out instead of letting them build up.
Continuing to pray for you!

The Incredible Woody said...

You make more sense than you will ever know. Every one of those feelings are the things I struggle with on a regular basis. I always thought it was just something with me. So I thank you for putting into words the feelings that I cannot.

I also thank you for being the strong, loving woman that you are. I'll be thinking of you.

Eternal Lizdom said...

She's coming because she loves you. It's ok to just accept that.

Weight gain... I'm only saying this so that you will hear it. Because I know you can't accept this right now but it deserves saying anyway... what you weigh doesn't matter right now. Right now, you are fighting for life to be normal again. Take the scale and lock it away somewhere. Stop punishing yourself.

Are you in counseling? It sounds like you've got some serious things to talk about with a professional- someone who can guide you toward healing and letting go.

I'm glad you have medical assistance.

You have been on my mind lately- and in my prayers. You've got my e-mail address and are welcome to use it any time for any purpose- whatever you need to vent out and get rid of, I can take.

Brian Miller said...

thoughts and prayers...we all need a little help sometimes. i am glad she can provide it...i do hope you feel better soon.

TechnoBabe said...

Speaking the truth and telling people how you really are takes courage. You are so loved by so many people. The time now is for you to take care of yourself. And it sounds like help is on the way. What a blessing that your youngest daughter is going to be with you soon. Hugs.

Busy Bee Suz said...

Lori, take any help that is offered to you know. People care about you...so let them.
I really am surprised that the effects of the cymbalta are still affecting you....I am so sorry for this.
And really, we are ALL vain. Just remember that eventually, you will have more control over your thoughts and emotions.
you are thought of more than you can know.
xoxo
Suz

Jeannie said...

Everyone else will have to have a little sympathy and understanding while you go through this. Gaining weight is hard to deal with when you normally have control. I don't think it's vanity as much as scary.

You will make it through because you are one of those people who always makes it through.

LPC said...

You inspire me. You help me. That doesn't count as failing, here on my little sofa in my little house. Thank you.

otin said...

As I am reading this post, my eyes keep drifting to your sidebar and your family pictures. I am 44 years old and alone in this world. No kids. No pictures to post of hugging babies or grand kids. I wish that I could have some of what you have. And there are people who wish that they could have some of what I have. No one person is 100% happy. It is how we deal with our down times that define us. If you put too much pressure on yourself to be content, it will only lead to the pressure causing more grief. Try not to think about anything specific. Have some tea or coffee and watch some tv and just enjoy the people around you. We all love you! Do not throw in the towel, my friend!

SciFi Dad said...

I'm sorry you're not well, Lori. I hope you feel better soon.

Also, I don't think there's anything wrong with kids who need to take care of their parents. If they can do it, why shouldn't they?

Midnitefyrfly said...

I can totally understand everything you just wrote. It does make sense to anyone who has been there (and I am sure more people have than not).

Did you have the energy to reread your post after you wrote it? Did you see all of the things you ARE doing?

I am sorry it doesn't feel like enough right now, but it is and you will again feel as wonderful as you truly are.

I am happy your daughter and grandson are coming. You deserve her love and help. ((((((((HUGS)))))))))

queenofphrump said...

You are not failing. You are falling. And when you land we will all be here and so will your people off the internet to provide a soft landing. Please keep us updated on how you are because we worry. Hold tight. Brittany is on her way!

Natalie said...

You are doing everything right. You are not a failure. People love you. I hope your new meds kick in soon and bring you some blessed relief.xx♥

Nancy said...

I'm just catching up on the last few posts, Lori, and I am so sorry you are in this dark place. I, too, was put on an anti-depressants for menopausal symptoms. I only took it for a short while (Prozac) - it was not right for me, either. I remember my doctor telling I must take them - and consider them a vitamin! It certainly was not a vitamin!

All I can say is that these symptoms do lessen. I still take 1/2 (5mg) of Ambien in order to sleep through the night. I'm not advocating this, mind you, but I feel sleep is detrimental to my health, and this is the only way for me.

I also make sure that when I start to feel negative that I sit down and start listing all the things I am grateful for. Sometimes it becomes almost a mantra, said over and over. This is because the brain will replay whatever thoughts are there. Make sure you stop the bad and REPLACE with the good. You cannot stop depressing thoughts without replacing them with something. And of course, all the other things you are doing - diet, exercise, and love for yourself. You are truly wonderful, and your family and blog friends know this. You need to know this, too.

I really like Pema Chodron - "The Places That Scare You" for getting back on track. If you need any other suggestions - please email me.

I'm so glad you will have the help of your daughter right now. I think teaching our girls that it's okay to accept help when we need it, is a gift worth giving. It's not easy to raise young children when we were young and full of energy - it's much harder when we are older and going through menopause. Getting help right now is the only sane thing to do. And your Littles will benefit as well. A new doctor may give a new perspective.

Bless you. I'm wishing, and sending, the very best, healthy, happy energy your way.

Midlife Jobhunter said...

Lori,

So sad to hear of your troubles. Looks like things are looking up though with your daughter coming, good diet, exercise, breathing. Have a cup of tea and take a good sigh. I think I will look into Nancy's Pema Chodron' book, too.

Hilary said...

Lori, I'm sending my very best, positive thoughts your way. Hang onto them and pull them out as needed. Nancy has wonderful advice. Try to replace the negative thoughts with the positive ones.. all the beauty you have in your life. Hugs to you.

Jason, as himself said...

Oh, wow. I can't begin to understand what is happening to you, but I'm here, too, along with everyone else, hoping the best for you.

I sincerely hope things begin settling into their proper places for you.

I read a book that discussed the power of collective thinking. I hope it's true because all of us are thinking positive thoughts for you, and hopefully that can make a difference.

Just Be Real said...

((((Lori))))
Here sitting with you and listening.....

She Writes said...

Oh Lori...

((((((((((((((((hugs to you))))))))))))))))

xxAmy

steppinthru said...

Lori, I am praying for your complete healing. I am so sorry that you are having to go through all this horrendous stuff. I can't say I understand but I can say that I am here for you and want you to feel better soon. Take the help your daughter offers. She loves you so much and wants to help in anyway she can. Take care, my sweet, sweet friend.

Fragrant Liar said...

Okay, I'm getting more concerned about you. I am sending you my best thoughts, Lori. I wish I was there to give you real hugs instead of virtual ones, but that's all I can do from here. Know that you are in my thoughts, and I'm so hoping things turn around for you in a hurry. These things do take time though.

I was on Cymbalta for a short time, and it really worked for me, however the brain zaps were so annoying, and trying to get off Cymbalta (what the docs don't tell you) can be HARD, HARD, HARD. I hope that's not the case for you, but your main focus right now should be finding the medication that works best for you; and give the meds a boost by getting that all-important therapy. Works wonders, I'm telling you. Best things I ever did for myself was get therapy when I needed it.

You know this too: surround yourself with supportive people and avoid those who aren't. Do as many good things for yourself as possible and take quality time for yourself -- and importantly, don't feel like you're being selfish! You must get healthy, #1 priority.

Okay, so big hugs. BIG hugs!!

Kimber

Fragrant Liar said...

P.S. One of the things that helped me when I was at my lowest point was "giving it to god" (and I'm not even religious!), but that action really helped me to not hold so much on my shoulders. As well as this in regard to worrying about so much: "So what?" My therapist had that in a frame on her desk. It spoke to me and helped me quit worrying so much.

Bina said...

My wonderful Lori. I wish I had magic words to help. The only thing I know to say is that one day, this will be behind you. If I could take it away from you, I would. But know I'm praying and asking God to please hurry the process along.

Thinking of you!

Buckeroomama said...

Hang in there, Lori. Breathe. Know that you are in our thoughts always. {{hugs}} I'm glad that your daughter is going to be with you. I've read her comment here and all the other comments that she's made on your posts. You have a wonderful, wonderful girl there. :)

sunday-in-my-neighborhood said...

I'm just checking in on you, girl. Don't have much to add that everyone else hasn't already said, but I'm sorry you are having to go through all of this. And you don't deserve ANY of it!

I sure hope you find your way out of this soon. I think you have done and are doing a fabulous job of articulating all of this. You might not think you are making any sense, but your words are hauntingly descriptive.

Twenty Four At Heart said...

I've known several people who have gone thru antidepressant withdrawals and I know it is not fun. One of my friends gave up and decided just to stay on a low dose because he couldn't handle the withdrawls.
Wishing for things to improve soon!

Joanna Jenkins said...

Oh honey, I am sorry for your struggle. I hope you found writing this to be helpful. And might I suggest you print it out and show it to your doctor so he/she can see how difficult this is for you....Hopefully the doc is a therapist who can help you work through this.

I am totally with Eternal Lizdom and her advice is sound and good.

Sending you huge virtual hugs and know that I'm here for you anytime.
xoxoxoxoxox

Stella said...

Honey, this is what I do for a living. I completely understand your train of thoughts right now. I absolutely do. It's what we term, in my job, "the negative mind" and everyone has it to a certain extent, but reading your thoughts here makes me see just how prevalent it is in your mind now and I'd like to help.

First of all, know that it ISN'T you, at all. It's a separate thing going on and once you make sense of that, then you can start fighting back. I'm going to email you some stuff, and please send me an email (every day or hour if needed) about the negative thoughts that you are haivng so I can help.

I really can help.


Much love to you.

Smart Mouth Broad said...

((((Lori)))))

Hang in there, my friend. Good for you expressing yourself honestly.

Take care of YOU,

Hugs,
SMB

Grandma J said...

Oh Lori...I haven't been here in a while (shame on me!), and I can't believe the ordeal you are experiencing. I hope things are gradually getting better, and that you saw a new doctor.
I must say that I admire you for your openness and frankness. Now, let me say this...I went through menapause cold turkey after my hysterectomy without taking any hormones. It was hell on earth. Nothing like what you are experiencing but a milder version. Hang in there sweety. You are in my prayers. Just know that no matter what, He is right there with you, reach out because that's what He's there for.

((((hugs))))

Roxy said...

Oh Lori, I wish I could reach out and give you a big ole hug... I understand how you are feeling because I have been there. I hope that soon you will find the peace you so deeply need. We will be here... take care dear one, love you!!!

Stacy (the Random Cool Chick) said...

Just know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. ((HUGZ!!))

Jacquelyn said...

Lori, hang in there. You have many praying for you friend. I hope and pray you will be feeling better very soon. I'm glad your daughter will be there for you too. You are loved!

Shrinky said...

Oh Lori, yes, hang on tight hon, it won't last forever. I am sending lots of positive thoughts your way, you will get through this, just take it one day at a time, eh? ((hugs))

Just Be Real said...

Lori, came by to give you extended (((((Lori)))). Thinking about you dear one.

I also have this blog: GOD WHISPERS IN THE WIND

Alix said...

Lori, you speak for many of us in your very candid, very raw, very intimate words. Some of us don't have the courage to say we feel the way you feel, but trust me... we are nodding our heads in agreement.

I hate that you are going through so much pain right now, but you are not alone. These things that you are experiencing right now seem so odd and strange because your brain is under the power of something that isn't allowing you to be you - for now. You will come through this and you will feel normal again, I promise. Be strong and know that this is all just a mirage. The real you is still very much alive and thriving. She'll resurface, and when she does the sun will shine again and all will be right with the world.

Until then know that we love you and are praying for your recovery. And lucky for you... we love big fat messes. So there!

XO

Casa Hice

Life with Kaishon said...

It hurts to know you are hurting so. You are in my thoughts and prayers Lori!

Fragrant Liar said...

Just checking on you, Lori. I see you haven't been posting, so just wanted you to know that I'm thinking about you, and wishing fervently that you are doing well in everything.

HUGS,
Kimber

Dave said...

I am still a fan of yours, and will always read your posts. I am at a loss as to what to say to encourage you to get back to the "old you". I am in a funny place these days I guess. It was one year ago this Saturday that my wonderful wife of 19 years passed away after a 5 year battle with cancer. I think it took me a while to find my place in the world again, and although I am different, I am happy again.
I pray you will find some of it soon.

Warmest,

david

twirl unabashedly said...

hi. i'm new, and trying to overcome the feeling that i'm invading privacy by reading stuff like this. i dont mean that negatively about what you posted at all, just that i'm humbled to be invited to view such an intimacy of lives.

that said, i got drawn in when i saw your daughters post. how beautiful a relationship that shares such depth. i do not have that with my mother. i am not allowed to see her dark corners, the stuff that makes her real. i envy that of your relationship, and i hope i am able to cultivate it with my own daughters as they grow up.

i read your blogs in reverse order, waiting to find out what you were recovering from. i work in the oncology department of my hospital, and first i speculated cancer, and chemo effects. thank goodness it isnt that. then, i speculated pain management withdrawl, and while that wasnt far off, i was relieved for you that it wasnt that either, tho i think i understood correctly that you've been thru that as well, and i commend you for it. my fiancee just went thru that, and it was extremely hard to watch.

when i realized that you were going thru cymbalta withdrawl, i was terrified, and so so so thankful for your posts. my fiancee's dr prescribed him that same antidepressant yeasterday, and its sitting at the pharmacy, filled and waiting to be picked up. he's manic depressive and has tried different drugs, with negative affects, so i can only imagine the hell that this would have been if i hadnt stumbled upon your blog.

after reading what you wrote, and doing a little research, we will not be picking up that rx, and will be calling his dr on monday.

thank you.

and, i dont know you well yet, but, reading how you feel that your mind is muddled, and you're having problems writing and posting, i am anxiously waiting to find out what beautiful stuff flows as you type when you're feeling yourself again. even muddled, i am stricken by your ability to convey suck emotion during such a hard time.

good luck, good health, and good healing.