In our family...

In our family....we do second chances...we do grace...we do real...we do mistakes...we do I'm sorry (and I forgive you)...we do loud really well...we do hugs...we do family...we do love.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Making it Through

I made it through another night. It seems these nights are lasting forever. I am so tired you would think I would sleep long and hard. Yet on the flip side the nausea, feeling extremely cold, jitters and fear of the monsters waking up, keep me awake. I finally fall asleep and the monsters come out to play in my head. I wake up in total terror with my face and head wet, thinking I must have been sleeping for hours. It's only been 20 flipping minutes.

I get up and walk around. I drink more water. I cool the sweat off with water from the sink. It isn’t long before I am freezing and covered in layers of blankets once again. I try to pretend that the uninvited thoughts are not poking at my brain. If the ugly thoughts are too loud I speak them out loud to my husband. I’ve promised him to tell him everything so that he knows what is going on with me.This seems to take their power away. He listens and confirms what I already know but yet I need to know somehow that this crazy ugly thought is just that, a crazy ugly thought. I pray. And I cry.

I cry out for just a moment of peace in all of this. I cry out because I hate being a burden and worrying my husband.

One of the most beautiful things in all of this is that this has brought us even closer. I didn’t think that was possible. He who is my monster slayer is my hero.

It’s like my heart and soul are unthawing after being numb.

My souls feelings have opened up like a flood. Somewhere along the way, of being on this medicine, I stopped crying. Except for when I pray. I’ve never told anyone this before, but most of the time, when I pray, I cry. I can’t help it. It’s been this way ever since I started praying.

I think I was born a cry baby…the kind that cries for people in general, but especially the hurting, children and the elderly. Part of my nature is to care deeply about people. Often times I am accused of caring too much. I used to cry over a commercial, just hearing a story, seeing something really beautiful, and always when seeing someone cry or hurt. That all changed when I was on this medicine and the thing is I didn’t even notice until my husband pointed it out to me.

I think I would rather cry then be numb.

My husband, my protector from the monsters, stands guard around me and is there instantly to help chase them away. Because I am still sleeping in the chair, he now sleeps in a chair next to me. Bless his beautiful soul. I tell him to sleep in the bed but he refuses. I know that he loves me and I know I would do the same for him. But, a part of me knows that he does this because he is afraid to leave me alone.

These cycles of sleeping, nightmares and sweating, horrible thoughts, crying and trying to go back to sleep continue through out the night. Early this morning little lady was woken by one of my nightmares. Guilt. She couldn’t go back to sleep and wanted to bring Franklin(our pet monster)to sleep by me so that he could keep my bad dreams away, like he does for her and her brother. Such pure sweetness.

Now she is just happy because it’s very early in the morning and it’s just her and I awake. She loves when she doesn’t have to share me. In fact, just last week, when her brother was talking about when he grows up and goes to college like his uncle JJ did, she announced that she was going to live with me for ever and ever and is excited for him to move to college so she could have me all to herself. Such cuteness that come out of her little mouth sometimes.These are the things I try to think about instead of dying.

I have dear friends who’s mother is most likely dying. She is a dear woman and so I cry out to God and bargain with him to take me instead. I know God doesn’t work this way. Yet, these thoughts of dying invade my mind frequently. I wish I could lie and say it isn’t so and even though these thoughts are not really mine, they scare me. I speak these thoughts out loud only to my husband. And now to you.

I did go to work yesterday. It was tough but it kept my mind out of the dark places some of the time. It is so much easier to care for someone else when they are going through tough times then it is myself. On my way to work, I listened to someone near and dear to me sob. It broke my heart to listen to her cry but it kept me on the road. Focusing on her kept me from focusing on the thought of driving into a semi.

I will go to work today. No I don’t want to leave my house and I feel like I have the flu but I will go because I must keep moving forward. I must keep moving through this blackness.

When I went through a really tough time after my attack, my brother gave me this magnet.


I am going through hell, and I will keep going until I am out of here. Thank you my dear brother.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with a different doctor. I pray that he can help me. I keep saying, I just have to get through this day…this moment.

I cannot even begin to tell you how much your loving supportive comments touched me. They have carried me to this next day. Thank you. I read your comments once again in the middle of the night last night. I cried as I read them. I cried because you cared enough to take time for me. Thank you. Whether you meant to or not, each one of you remind me of God’s grace & love. Thank you.

Please know, how much your friendships mean to me. I miss settling in with my cup of coffee or tea at your place. I miss you making me smile & laugh & think. I miss the places you take me with your words. I miss seeing the pictures of those sweet little one’s in your life, whether they are human or animal. I miss seeing pictures of the beauty that surrounds you. I miss how much you welcome me into your homes, in this great community of blog land.

As this new day dawns, I miss you.

Love & hugs, Lori


wolfie185 said...

You are blessed to have such a loving and unselfish husband! Glad you are going to work, staying busy is helpful even if it is a huge challenge.

Hopefully your new doctor will work something out for you. I forgot to mention in my last comment how I dislike pill pushing doctors. From my point of view, I see people coming off of alcohol and other drugs given a script for anti-depressants all to often. Some of these people really need them, some are bipolar or do have serious mental health issues but others just need to learn to live life on lifes term via a good recovery program. I am grateful the treatment center I work in doesn't do this. Prescriptions are only given to those who really need them, they are not used as a copeing tool. We try and make our clients go through the pain, learn to write it out, to talk to staff members or other clients, to use pray, mediation, breathing techniques and other tools to handle the pain of dealing with their addictions and the damage done in addiction. It is too easy for an alcoholic or addict to switch addictions. i know some days it would be much easier for me to take a pill and escape instead of facing my fears and using the tools I have to deal with them. We are healthier when we use non-chemical means in dealing with the emotions that trouble us.

Keep up the good work!!! Hang in there it will get better soon.
Love and Hugs

TechnoBabe said...

So. Sweet little Ms. Lori,
You describe the situation clearly and one of the first things I hear is the closeness between you and your husband. Something good is coming out of the hell you are experiencing. Let him help. There are so many people who care about you. You are the kind of woman who does and does for others, now it is your turn to be on the receiving end. Hugs.

Kit Kat said...

Oh Lori
I wish that I could be there for you! I can imagine how you are feeling. I have been in a similar situation... and you know my feelings on the subject of antidepressants.. I feel about the same as you. And I wish that I wasn't on them, but the side effects of going off them are too much. I can't risk messing up my last semester of school. I hope I run out of excuses one day and can be brave like you.
Be strong when you go to the new doctor. Don't let him give you pills or anything that you don't want. If it doesn't feel right, find a new doctor.
It's a horrible thing that is happening to you.
All I can recommend is taking warm baths with yummy smelling candles or oils. And crying you heart out until you are so physically exhausted that you get some sleep...
I will keep you in my prayers.

Brian Miller said...

i am glad you have the husband you do. together you wil get through this. which is what it sounds like you are doing now. thoughts and prayers.

Anonymous said...

I am glad you have your close relationship to support you in this. It can't last forever, right? You will get through this. You will! Love to you from me, right this very second. Can you feel it?

Busy Bee Suz said...

I have been thinking about you and dropping some prayers (hints) to the big Man above. I am so happy your husband (Hero) is right there with you.
I pray this just gets easier...I pray this DR. can help you get through it easier and quicker!

Anonymous said...

Oh Lori, bless your dear heart. I'm sorry to read you are going through this hell, yet grateful that you have the emotional support of your husband. I understand your suffering and I am praying for you. Just keep the faith that it will come to an end! May God's loving arms wrap around you to give you comfort during these difficult times.

(((((((((( Lori )))))))))) take the time you need, be gentle with yourself

SSG said...

Hey Lori, so glad I stopped in on you today. I wanted to say keep going, all of us who read your blog are here behind you, and support you in whatever you do. Think of all the good things you can look forward to when you are through this. One day I hope I will visit the USA again, and who knows, we might one day meet. You are such an inspiring person. Hope you know you make such a difference to others, and I think the world is a little bit nicer when people like you are in it. If you need any hand writing letters to companies, let me know, I'm happy to help out. I've not heard of this drug before but I'm a biologist so am going to go and look up how it works. Hugs and thoughts are with you from the UK, wish i could come over and help you out, baby sit and cook and clean and mother so you can just take care of yourself and focus on getting through this. But, again, don't push yourself too hard and don't beat yourself up too much if things aren't going well or you feel guilty for not doing more- really take care of yourself, whatever you do we'll be here.

mommytoalot said...

I am not sure exactly of all that you have been through, however I do know by reading comments how many people you have touched. Some of those who perhaps never met you . YOu are obviously an amazing mom and of course now a mom all over again raising those adorable grandchildren.
I am in awe of your strength and the way you can sting together the words to put your feelings to paper.
I understand. I am having a tough time too. However I am not brave, I cover it up, fake smiles, drown myself in my kids, in my books, in my fantasies ,fearing to put down how I feel ..even in my home private journal. Fearing someone will think I'm crazy. Knowing I'm just lost.
So thanks..and God bless you and know ..know that you are in my prayers often.

Hilary said...

Lori, I'm glad for you that your husband is so supportive. Keep on talking.. to him.. through your blog.. you'll get through it. Hugs.

Fragrant Liar said...

Hang in there, girl. You WILL get past this. I've been where you are (minus the supportive husband), and I know it can be done. Meds will help, but also take advantage of counseling and the open ears of nonjudgmental friends. One of these days soon, all your efforts will pay off, and you'll feel like you're healing. Look forward, dear friend. Always forward. And, as my wise aunt once told me, Give it to God. Let him wrestle the demons while you focus on good self care and being happy (cuz that really is a choice).

My very best to you.

P.S. You are good enough. Remember that.

Midlife Jobhunter said...

Oh, I'm so sorry. I've been out of touch and didn't know you had such pain. Please continue to write and get out these feelings. That is so healthy it offers great hope.

Bina said...

Oh Lori. I ache for you. We are so much alike in that we feel so deeply for people. My heart hurts for you and I wish there were some way, something I could do to help. You could scream at me and tell me your nightmares and I, too, would chase your monsters away. I would hold your hand while you sleep so you know there is someone there with you.

But your husband, bless his soul, sounds like he is doing an outstanding job in supporting you. He must be a very wonderful man. I'm so thankful you have him there for you.

I'll pray that this ends for you soon my dear Lori.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Ginger@When Ginger snaps... said...

Holy Crap, Lori! I had no idea you were going through all of this! Sweetie, hang in there. It has to get better.

I loved your confession about being a crybaby, because I am one too. I cry when I'm happy, mad, tired, sad, watching sappy movies, or commercials and ALWAYS when someone gets a gold card on American Idol.
Lucky for me, I have an understanding husband as well.

Shrinky said...

We miss you too sweet lady. Just do as you are doing, one foot in front of the other, you KNOW this will pass, in your heart, you know this. Sending you love and more love, remember you are special, this is not of your doing, allow yourself to lean on those who care - know this is temporary, not forever, and keep on keeping on. ((x))

LPC said...

Lori. You are the real thing. I don't even believe in God. I feel whatever it is that you create without a context of faith. But I drink tea. You are welcome here any day and I will wash your feet. With privilege.

Joanna Jenkins said...

Thank god for your sweet husband and thank god you are seeing a new doctor. I hope he/she has experience with anti-depressants (a psychiatrist or psychopharmacologist perhaps) who specializes in this kind of thing. You have been through so much! You deserve some relief.

Sending love and prayers for a brighter day and restful sleep.

MGM said...

Lori, Girl...I don't know that I've gotten the whole story. My time to blog and read blogs is severely limited these days. But you need medical advice on how to wean off this drug! You may need to go back on a small dose to wean off more gradually in order to prevent this severe of a withdrawal reaction. A medical doctor can help advise on this! You should be able to avoid the intensity of this with a more gradual weaning!

Try adding high doses of Vit D3. We don't get enough in the winter because you can only get it naturally through sunshine exposure. It helps with Depression and boosting immunity. I take 10,000 iu's as a maintenance dose in the winter months and 20,000 or more for extra immunity boost as needed. Studies have shown that it shows no toxicity even at levels of 50,000 daily and higher and the daily minimums have been raised by the ADA or whichever organization sets the standards for daily recommended amounts.

I'll keep in my prayers!

Anonymous said...

There is no shame in crying. God works best in our lives when our hearts are broken and open to His grace. He has given you some precious blessings in the form of your little ones and especially your loving husband. He will give you relief from these demons soon. Hang in there, Lori!

Debbie said...

I hope the new doctor brought promise and hope. I am just so sorry you are going through this but thankful you have such loving support.

Kaylen said...

I am new to your blog, but my heart aches for you! Life really is very hard sometimes. It's good you have such a great husband standing by your side, everyone needs someone.

I also do not trust doctors. I tend to do a lot of my own research before accepting anything from them. I don't believe they can possibly know everything about everything....

Your darkness will end. Just take pleasures in the very small things and take it step by step. It WILL get better!!!

Just Be Real said...

Dear one, I am so very sorry for your pain and your hell! You have been such an encouragement to me and I always look forward to your comments. Praying things will get better from your new doctor. Blessings and hugs to you dear....

She Writes said...

I am sorry things have been so rough! I sure hope things get better soon, Lori!

Alix said...

Lori, you poor sweet haunted thing! Cymbalta did all this to you? Wow! Thank you for sharing these side-effects because I had no idea. I'm sure most people have no idea. That sounds like some scary shit.

I'm glad you have gone off this medication. There are many other options that won't mess with you the way Cymbalta has.

Just remember, that every day the medicine will be slowly losing its power over you and you will be returning to a place of normalcy. Make sure that your doctor prescribes you an alternate medicine with fewer side effects. The whole purpose is to make you feel better, not hopeless and black. Hang in there chica.

And just so you know... I'm a crier too. Cry at everything. Church is one crying marathon which starts with the opening announcements! But like you, I would rather feel too much than be numb.

Hoping that you are feeling better soon! God bless you and your monster slayer.

Gillian said...

I enjoyed your reading your blog and I think you have a gorgeous family!

Thanks for stopping by my wee blog. I hope you enjoyed my Monday Male idea. I'm always looking for awesome male bloggers to feature.

sarah said...

stay strong as you can...Sarah

Buckeroomama said...

Zoe says, "Be well." Because Super Zoe says so.

Stay strong, Lori. We're all rooting for you. You are blessed to have such a wonderful husband. The way that your kindness and generous heart has blessed others, so shall you be blessed. You will get through this. {{{hugs}}}

Shrinky said...

Hi there, pretty lady, just wanted to stop by to see how you are doing - you are in my thoughts hon ((x)).

wolfie185 said...

Lori, just stopping to say hi and hope you are alright and that you are in my prayers.

Sending love and postive energy your way.


Just Be Real said...

Just dropping by to give you more support Lori! ((((Lori))))

gram said...

you will feel so much better when this is all over, stay strong and you will get thru this! your husband is a lucky man to have you. i think he realizes this and he wants to be there for you, baby steps. it is going to take time to get thru withdrawels and once you are thur them you can start to put your life together again. i'm thinking of you my friend. you will be okay!
baby steps, baby steps you can do it.
take care, will be thinking of you.

Jacquelyn said...

Lori, I hope we will hear soon that the new doctor did you some good. Please take care of yourself as you go through this living hell. God blessed you with this wonderful man and with your awesome kids and grandkids. And all these bloggy friends who love your heart so much. Hang in many are praying for you. Here's some love sent your way!!!

Midlife Mama said...

Awww Lori you are so fortunate to have such a loving husband. Don't think about tomorrow or the next day, think simply about getting through the next minute, hour, or day, keep your head down and keep on pushing through this. One day you will wake up and realize you feel better and each day you will feel better until you emerge from the forest into the sunlight. Big hugs. Hang in there. We love you. :)

Sprite's Keeper said...

Big hugs to you and your wonderful husband!
Just keep going, your brother is right. Whatever you do, don't stop until you feel it's right to do so. Fight to get yourself back.

Bella said...


I get busy with my own drama here in Appalachia and I stop by only to realize my troubles pale in comparison. I do hope you feel better, I hate it that you are feeling this way. It sounds like you have lots of love to carry you when you need it.

Anonymous said...

OH sweetie, I've been such a bad friend and haven't been here to support you. Forgive me please.

Just know you are loved and I'll be praying for this journey to be quick and as painless as possible.

HUGS and much love to you and yours.

Twenty Four At Heart said...

Big hugs Lori! Big, huge, gigantic, one-armed hugs!

Life with Kaishon said...

Oh Lori. It hurt me to read this. I am SO sorry you are in such pain. Sending much love your way!

PS I think that little thing she said about having you all to herself when he goes to college is the cutest thing I have ever heard! ADORABLE!

otin said...

Lori, are you doing okay?? I have been missing some posts lately and have been meaning to check on you!!