Life is settling down at our house,after the latest interruption. (Breathing a big sigh of relief.) The baby talk and the lashing out are almost gone. I’m not the bad guy after all. We can dress ourselves once again. We know how to play on our own once again. There has not been one potty accident. No more nightmares. We have remembered our manners and that the rules of this house still stand, even if we’re sad or mad.
Still, the after math of evils visit leaves it’s lingering affects. Little lady still clings to me in an insecure way. Needs constant reassurance that when I leave her, I will always come back. She wants me to hold her ALL of the time. Sometimes it’s suffocating. When she forgets about it, she is just fine and plays happily. Little man still tests me with his words yet he almost seems even more bonded with me then he was before evils visit. He continues to share things that went on during this visit. I just listen. I keep breathing through everything he says. And I pray.
I will not lie. The mother bear in me wants to claw it’s way out and freak the hell out. I want to scream and swear at this person who causes such heart ache in our lives. I want to jump up and down and scream that this is fricken unfair and please get your fricken shit together already or leave us the hell alone. I think you already know that I don’t do this.
To those of you that don’t know the whole story. We do have full custody of the little’s but she(their birth mother, my husband’s daughter)has rights to come see them. Visitation has been left up to our digression. Believe me, her father and I will not allow another visit like this until she shows much further improvement. Still, just her coming for supervised visits causes pain and havoc in our home.
So yeah, I just keep praying that they will know how loved they are and that some how this will be enough…that our loving them…that our making an environment that is safe and secure will help them feel so…that our raising them will be enough. Even though they seem happy here with us, I still pray that the affects of life’s trauma’s will not hinder them from living the lives they so deserve. We will fight for them through every storm that blows through and stand strong against evil.
I wonder if this month off of work is a gift in disguise as it will give us time to work through these things? Since we have to still pay for daycare, they will still go there occasionally. They will go today, so I have been preparing them, after having 4 days with me. Little lady cries when we talk about it. I remind her of the fun she will have with her friends but of course she thinks she only wants to be with me forever and ever. Little man doesn’t want me to go but he tells me and his sister that he knows I always come back. I pray to God that he truly knows that I will always come back. We talk about what we will do after I do come back and pick them up in hopes that this will cement in them security of my return.
Evil leaves and our lives go on.
We finally got Christmas down at our house this past weekend. (Breathing another big sigh of relief.) I was bound and determined. Even with hearing from a tearful 3 year old that “poor Jesus, Mary and Joseph were going to starve laying in a box until next year”. Apparently, she had enjoyed feeding them every day with her little Christmas porcelain tea set. Even with much begging from the little's to “keep the tree with it’s beautiful lights up for one more night”. Apparently, the floor full of needles wasn’t bothersome to little man who quite enjoyed his job of having to clean them up each day with his little sweeper.
Yes, I am quite happy to have Christmas done and a thing of the past. Between that and evils visit, I am breathing big sighs of relief and very happy to get on to normal life. I love normal life. Normal is good.Even more, I love when that normal life lacks drama. I know, I’m boring. And I like boring.
Love & Hugs, Lori