In our family...

In our family....we do second chances...we do grace...we do real...we do mistakes...we do I'm sorry (and I forgive you)...we do loud really well...we do hugs...we do family...we do love.















Monday, January 18, 2010

Not Always, but Sometimes…

I realize that on here a person can be who ever they want to be. We only have to reveal that which we feel safe in revealing. This means that the persona that someone portrays here, may not be the one they are out in the real world. I ask myself if who I portray to be here, on My life interrupted, is the real me?

For the most part, yes, this is the real me that you “see” here. This is my way of recording my life’s interruptions. But if I’m really honest there are parts of me I hold back. All for various reasons…my family and friends read this and there are things they don’t know about me…but for the most part, what it comes down to is this. I want to be liked and accepted and I don’t want you to think I’m crazy.

So sometimes, I am ashamed to tell you who I really am.

Because, not always but…

Sometimes, I don’t think you would like me if you knew everything there is to know about me.

That...

Sometimes, I  want everything to stop.

Sometimes, I just want peace and quiet.

Sometimes, I still want to be invisible.

Sometimes I miss getting to do what I want and sometimes I want to be selfish.

Sometimes, I don’t recognize the person looking back at me in the mirror.

Sometimes, it feels like I am getting the life sucked out of me.

Sometimes, I want to scream, “What the hell?” when I see how some people act.

Sometimes, I don’t want to be responsible.

Sometimes, I swear.

Sometimes, I am don’t want to be a nice person.

Sometimes, I am a hypocrite, because I fail to walk the talk.

Sometimes, I care way too much.

Sometimes, I miss my older kids and grandchildren  so much that my heart physically hurts.

Sometimes, I cry when I pray.

Sometimes, I doubt what I know to be true.

Sometimes, what I have to say, would not make any sense to you because it barely makes sense to me.

Sometimes, I don’t want to stay straight and even after 25 years of being drug free still think about using once in a while.

Sometimes, getting someone to understand me, is too much work so I don’t even try.

Sometimes, when I watch the news, and hear about someone dying, I am jealous, and I don’t know why.

Sometimes, I am still afraid of my father and my brother.

Sometimes, I still let fear control my life.

Sometimes, I want to scream at the top of my lungs.

Sometimes, the things going through my mind, scare me.

Sometimes, I am tempted to tell all my secrets just so I don’t have to carry them all by myself.

Sometimes, I don’t want to tell you what I believe, because I fear you will judge me.

Sometimes, I still want to hide under my bed or in my closet.

Sometimes, I don’t know what I believe about God.

Sometimes, I really do believe I am a mistake and have to prove that I am not.

Sometimes, fear of rejection keeps me from being authentic.

Sometimes, in giving myself away, I forget to keep some for myself.

Sometimes, I don’t want to leave my house. And I don’t, for days.

Sometimes, even though I can give or take alcohol, I drink too much, on purpose, just to numb the pain.

Sometimes, I want to throw in the towel with my work comp. case and not go to my doctor appointments.

Sometimes, I look at my little people and wonder if what we are doing is really making a difference or if we are just fooling ourselves.

Not always, but sometimes…

Love & Hugs, Lori

17 comments:

Jan said...

Oh my - you're human.

And a wonderful one, at that.

(((Lori)))

Hilary said...

So what you're saying is that sometimes you're just like the rest of us.. but in your own way? Yikes! ;)

Deep breaths, Lori. And at least sometimes.. most times, tell yourself that you're doing it right.

Because you are.

Hugs to you.

Brian Miller said...

thank goodness, you are human. smiles. one day at a time...one moment at a time.

TechnoBabe said...

It's good to open up and say how you are really feeling. First of all it really doesn't matter what others think, you need to be true to yourself and free to be hones with yourself. Secondly, each one of the people who read your blog regularly can speak for themselves, but for me personally, you don't have my sympathy and I don't change how I feel about you if you speak out and voice your true feelings. We all have them. We are all dealing the best we can. I admire you taking the little ones in and loving them and teaching them and giving them a safe place to grow up and I wish I had that when I grew up. So I say thank you for all of us. If you personally have trouble sometimes holding it together, join the club. I hope you get the real gist of what I am saying here. You are awesome but I don't hold you under a microscope or on a pedestal. You are loved because you are you.

mommytoalot said...

Lori, I think many many many people only share a fraction of their lives while blogging.
..you are liked and accepted..that is never going to change...Wish I could reach out and give you a great big hug....((hugs))) but cyber hugs have to do..
and those sometimes... well...you're human..we all have some kind os "sometimes"..not always
thanks for sharing..as usual your writing is wonderful and i can almost feel your emotions
xx

Natalie said...

Sometimes you have to accept that people love you just as you are. xoxoxox♥ :)

Midnitefyrfly said...

As I was reading down your list of sometimes, I was doing a mental list.... reading each one saying "check."

So let's see I am clean 4 years instead of 25, I have one little, not 2, and I don't have grandchildren yet, but to all the rest- CHECK!

I choose to be accepted for who I am and not who I want to be or who I want (you) to think I am. It is really easier and is quite freeing, but it was not easy to get there, and it would be impossible to go back.

You are a beautiful and strong woman, something not every girl becomes. You are human and beautifully flawed, as is every other person reading your blog.

Loving yourself and allowing others to love you for who you really are, flawed and all, is the BEST gift.

Would you buy your daughter a Birthday present that was $10 and put a $100 tag on it? Would it really change the value of the gift even if you did?

We may not ever know every part of you, or like every part, for that matter, but we love you for all of them, and your value does not change by how valuable you appear.

(((HUGS))) ~you just keep being you!

Kit Kat said...

Thank you for sharing this! I so often feel this way. I started blogging as a way to get out emotions, but have found that I hold back ten times more than I share. Sometimes, I feel ashamed to be me.

But I really love what technobabe said, you are loved because you are you. So often on here I write how amazing I think you are, and how you are a superhero to the littles. I write that because that is who you are. You are (sometimes) not afraid to be yourself. You (most of the time) see past your personal struggles and strive for the good that you can do for others. And you (all the time) have a big heart.
You are human. You are allowed to have doubts and struggles.
That is something that I struggle with all the time too. Thank you for sharing this.

Jeannie said...

Sometimes, I'm just like you (although I've never used - only because I'm afraid I will enjoy it too much to stop)

Brittany said...

Sometimes in the middle of the day I miss my mom so much I could cry!

Sometimes meaning ALL THE TIME I realize how incredibly awesome you are. How thankful I am that God picked you to be mom! Nothing is a coincidence.. Everything you feel, has a reason. Everyone you meet was placed there. God loves you so much mom, and he is doing great things through you and your heart! Never doubt what you have done and are doing for those two little ones! Sometimes life just plain sucks... but never ever question how amazing you are! NEVER!

Busy Bee Suz said...

I love you.
You are just like everyone else, but just a tad bit more special TO ME. :)

SciFi Dad said...

So you're NOT perfect? Well THAT changes everything then.

Buckeroomama said...

I think we've all gone through some or most of what you listed down, Lori. ((hugs))

Patti said...

I Love You Sisstaa and you and I need to spend a weekend together...just the 2 of us!!!! We all have secrets!!!! XOXOXO Patti

otin said...

"Sometimes, when I watch the news, and hear about someone dying, I am jealous, and I don’t know why."

That was a very disturbing line to me! You should never think that way, in my opinion. You get one shot in this world, for a certain amount of years. I don't think that there is anything that could ever make me feel that I would be better off not existing! We all feel like we are living in impossible situations sometimes, but we have to find ways to make them possible!

Debbie said...

I think you have just summed up most of our fears and insecurities in one post! Good job.

Shrinky said...

Having just read your most recent post, I am staggered you only "sometimes" feel that way, I have no idea how you cope under such an impossible situation - yet, still you do.

Most of us experience days where we feel overwhelmed and hopelessly inadequete to meet the challenges life dumps on us - but most of us haven't a clue about the REAL challenges some people (I am looing at you, my dear Lori) take on, face and conquer every single day. Cut yourself some slack here, you KNOW what a brilliant job you are doing with the littles, and you, above anyone, know of the price it takes. But yes, you do need to top yourself up now and then, an empty glass can't slake anyone's thirst. ((x))