In our family...

In our family....we do second chances...we do grace...we do real...we do mistakes...we do I'm sorry (and I forgive you)...we do loud really well...we do hugs...we do family...we do love.

Sunday, June 29, 2008

Very much alive

I have been thinking about my life lately...the many roads that I have walked that have brought me here, to this place. In all honesty, I shouldn't be here...I should be 6 feet under. Honestly. I lived like there was no tomorrow. I played with death like it was my friend. I lived on the edge. With all the bad choices I made...all the crap I put into my body...and add in the choices that other people in my life made, that directly affected me, and it totally amazes me that I am here. Alive. Not just alive, but very happy alive.

I reflect on the years that I spent battling an eating disorder...years before there was an actual name for it...starving myself and making myself vomit. I think about the years that I ate drugs like they were candy, all for the sake of being high and numbing myself to life. For many years I got high every day not just because I wanted to but because my mind "needed" them to get through the day.

I remember the days of cutting...cutting up my body...just to feel...yet to punish myself. These were the days that I thought about death death...planning it, trying to end it but failing. I remember my friend that shot himself as I was walking up the stairs in his house, to get him for school...which leads me to remember the other friends that died by choice or by the way we lived. I think about all the guys that I allowed to abuse me because I thought it was okay...I thought I somehow deserved this.

I think about all the people I hurt because of my selfishness...I think about all the people I hurt that I don't remember. The fact is I don't remember many things...many things that I am sure I would be ashamed of. I am not proud of the things I have done or who I was. All these things are my hall of shame...there is nothing that I can do that can erase this part of my life. The memories are my reminders of the roads I once walked to bring me to where I am now. The fact is it's from these things that I have learned...learned about life, about people, about loving and about grace and forgiveness...they have been my salvation from a world of shame and guilt.

I think about surviving serious illness...having to have a hysterectomy at 26 and being so sick and looking at my young children and begging God to please let me live. I remember where I was just 6 years ago after being brutally attacked by a client in a home I worked in and being so out of my mind in pain and fear. Thanking God on one hand for sparing my life yet at times being in so much pain that I wished she had killed me...not being able to work...not being able to leave my home because of the fear...not sleeping because of the horrendous nightmares. This too, I survived.

I am free. I don't have to hide in shame from you because I know the freedom that has become mine. I remember all these things to keep myself from falling. Each of these things brought me closer to where I am's like I have had all these different lives that I survived...all to bring me to this place, of being very grateful for all that I have been given...of being very happy and very much alive.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

When children speak

Conversation I had with my nine year old granddaughter recently, whom I will call R-girl.

R-girl: Grandma did you know that you are a lot like God?

Me: Like how?

R-girl: You both love me no matter what...even if I'm not at my best, you always love me...

Me: Of course I love you no matter what...

R-girl:...and you love people that lots of people don't like...and your always nice to strangers...and you treat everyone with respect...and you always seem to know when someone needs a hug...your always listening to every ones problems, just like God does...

Me: Oh honey, your so sweet but you know I am not even close to being like God. I do things wrong...I make mistakes...(good lord if she knew!)

R-girl: I know you do Grandma...but, Grandma I am always watching you...I watch you be like God...I hope I can be like you someday.

Tears filled my eyes through out this conversation and more was said but you get the picture of the conversation. The sweetness of my precious granddaughter touches my heart and yes it's nice that she thinks so highly of me but I think the biggest message I got from this conversation is the fact that she is watching me.

She is watching me, just as my kids did, just as my new little ones are watching me. I can say all the things I can to them in trying to teach and train them for life... but in the end it's how I live that speaks the loudest. I knew this already from raising my actions speak louder than words. Maybe, I needed to be reminded of this from the precious nine year old in my life.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

I am not an evil step mother

You have probably noticed that I don't post any pictures of my step daughter nor do I write about her very often. I have been judged on both sides of this issue so this is a sensitive subject matter for me. Someone asked me about this recently and I want to clarify that I do love and care about her but she is the source of A LOT of pain in my life. She has chosen to not be a part of our least not in any positive ways. She is the one that gave birth to the two children we are now raising...she chose to walk away and give us the responsibility for them.

When I married her father she already had our grandson who is now 3 years old. She struggled with parenting him and then became pregnant with our granddaughter who is almost 2 years old. Plain and simple, it was too much for her. To set the record straight we did everything possible to support her and be there for her. Quite honestly I felt sorry for her. She pulled me into her web of deceit and manipulations...quite honestly she ate me alive. Even though her father tried to warn me, I did not listen to him...thus I was pulled into her world. I thought I could help her...I thought my love could make a difference...thus giving her the ability to function as a mommy and a member of society. I was WRONG.

As long as I was playing her game...meaning taking care of her children ALL of the time, not calling her out on her lies and deceit, turning my head to what she was doing with her life and her children, there was no problems, at least for her anyways. When I finally seen the light so to speak I knew that we could not continue living this way. I had reached the "enough" bridge...something had to give. My husband had reached the "enough" bridge long before I did so he was more than ready to confront this situation. Confronting her led to her admitting that she could not handle parenting and that she needed to get her life together. That is what she set out to do. That is NOT what has happened.

Her idea of getting her life together was moving out of state and now to another state. She has done NONE of the things she needs to do to improve her life. She continues to wear proudly the victim crown. Her idea of changing her life was to get pregnant again. In a couple of months there will be another baby thrown into this mess. My heart is broken over this. I worry about this baby more than anything. I do not want to raise another baby. Yet I don't want this baby to be neglected or unloved or feel unwanted. I struggle with my feelings towards her...I am angry...I am hurt.

Most people don't understand. Some people blame us...judge us, the parents, for raising a child into adulthood that would make choices such as these. Some people judge her and say some really mean things about her which honestly doesn't help either. In her defense, I feel that she loved her children enough to walk away from them, and give them to people that would love and care for them properly when she knew in her heart she couldn't. I will give that much to her.

I never tried to replace her mother. I never tried to take her father away from her. I did not take her children away from her. I did not give up on her. I am not an evil step mother. I don't write about her or post pictures of her because she is not a part of our lives for the most part and she is the source of so much pain. Please don't judge me, I am still in the process of figuring out what is best for everyone involved. In a perfect world things would be different but right now this is my life. These two little people that interrupted my life in such a big way are so loved and dear to me. For now this is my life interrupted.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Cry baby cry

I am a cry baby. I started crying early this morning as I sat alone for a few moments anticipating today's drive to the airport to drop off my daughter and granddaughter so that they can fly back home to Florida. I should be used to this by gawd it's been almost 6 years since I have been saying goodbye and letting go of them. It's not.

We left early this morning and it was a sad trip. Little man and little lady came along and since they are only 3 and almost 2, they have no concept of distance nor do they understand that they won't be seeing their aunt and cousin for a long time. They simply love and adored many wonderful ordinary moments were shared with them. Their absence from our home is already felt. Even though they will talk to them on the phone how do I make them understand that they aren't going to be here tomorrow?

Since their uncle, J-man, my youngest son, left a few weeks ago, they have asked where he is daily...multiple times a day actually. His absence is still being felt and actually since he left while my daughter and granddaughter were here for their visit, I don't think I or even they have really experienced his absence fully...until today. When I went into little lady's bedroom this afternoon, she was holding a picture of him holding her and she was kissing him. Little man asked me just a short while ago if uncle J-man can take them swimming today. How do I make them understand that although they talk to him on the phone they can't see him today or even tomorrow?

Their cousin, whom lives with us, left for his visit with his daddy, to Omaha, Nebraska last week and will return this Thursday. First thing EVERY morning they ask where A-man is...all day long they look for him. A-man is more like a sibling since he has spent most of his life living here with us. These little people have grown up together. A-mans mom, my youngest daughter, just accepted a job in Omaha, this week. I understand why...I know that she wants her son to be near his daddy...I know that having A-man gone so far from her for such long periods every month are too hard on her...I know she has gained strength in her wings once again and has the need...the desire to fly from home once again...the time has come. In 3 weeks they will be moving away...leaving. Little man and little lady love and adore her to the fullest. She has been a stable, constant person in their lives, outside of my husband and I. How do I explain this to little man and little lady?

We have not seen my middle daughter in over a year. I am completely homesick for her. She will be home at the end of July for a visit. I am counting down the days until I get to wrap my arms around her and see her smiling face in person. Pictures are great but they are not the same. Little man and little lady mostly know her through pictures. She is wonderful with them and I know they too will fall in love with her all over again when she is here.

There is so much sadness over my children leaving and the anticipated leaving of my daughter and grandson, that my heart is breaking right now. My heart literally hurts. Not just for me but for little man and little lady who don't understand...all they know is that these special people that they love, leave...and they don't see them for a long time...sometimes ever.

It is the hardest for little man...he remembers his first mommy...his birth mommy...who left over a year ago and never came back. This is reality for him. This is his biggest fear...people leaving and not coming back. He obsesses over this...I mean this literally...multiple times a day, he inquires where all his loved ones are and when they are coming home. He stopped inquiring about his birth mom many months ago, but, I know that somewhere deep inside of him he still has hurts and fears because of her. My husband, his grandpa by birth, his daddy by choice and I are at the top of this list. Although, I so rarely leave him for anything, when I do, this is a MAJOR issue for him. Some days are better than others, but there are days when I leave to run to the store and he will be upset until I return. When I return he will say to me"I'm so happy you came back"...this makes me sad to my core. These are things that weigh so heavily on my heart.

Letting go is kills me inside each and every time. It does not get easier each time. The time I share with my children, now that they are adults is so damn amazing. It's amazing because they truly are amazing people. I would like them even if they weren't my children. The same can be said of my grandchildren...they are each so perfectly amazing and beautiful and the relationship I have with each of them is more than I ever expected to have. I am blessed beyond anything I ever dreamed of. I miss their presence here...their laughter, their smiles, their voices, their today I will cry...and most likely there will be days of crying...I will mourn their leaving.

Sunday, June 22, 2008

To be a mother of perfect love

This is a picture of my mom, my daughter, her daughter and myself, sharing 4 generations of perfect love.

To be a mother...a good mother, is the desire of my heart. From the first moments of knowing that I was going to be a mom, this has been my goal. I was scared to death. I had no idea how I was going to do it but I knew that I would not settle for anything less than being a good mom, so I read many books and I talked to a lot of moms. It didn't take me long to realize that being a mom was the most wonderful, but the hardest and dirtiest job I would ever do. It also didn't take me long to realize that no matter how many books I read on motherhood that there are many things that books don't tell you and that there is nothing that prepares you for this amazing task.

I have worked hard at being the best mom that I can love my children was raise them to know that I love them no matter what. The hard part was knowing that I didn't have all the answers and that in spite of how much I loved them so perfectly, I would in fact let them down. Being a mom has made me appreciate my own mother...every day I realize all the heartache and love that went into raising me and that she did the best that she knew how to do. No, she was not perfect...yes, she let me down and failed at times...this is where forgiveness and grace comes in...and learning from her mistakes and learning that there is no such thing as a perfect mother. Accepting this fact has not always been easy for me...letting go of that ideal is something that I have learned the hard way. No, I have not been the perfect mother...yes, I failed my fact I have fallen short time and time again. I have needed more grace and forgiveness from my children than from any other people. No matter how many mistakes I have made with my children, I have loved them perfectly, just as my mother perfectly loved me.

Now I am privileged to watch my own daughters become mothers. What an amazing thing to watch them become the moms that they are. They too, love their children perfectly...they too strive to be good moms. They too, will fall short, make mistakes and they like myself and my own mom will learn the beauty in forgiveness and grace that comes from your children. They are learning that motherhood is not an easy job and that no matter how much you love your children perfectly, that there is no such thing as a perfect mother.

I will do many things in my life but being a mom is what I have done best.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Sweet Interruptions

These special moments of capturing all 4 of my little loves, are what makes life so awesome for me. Every second I get to be with them is precious.

Last moments with 4 of my 5 children, before the youngest left on his journey across the country. It is not the same when 1 of them is missing. Life moves so a blink of an eye they are grown and out living their own lives. I never stop missing them. Pictured are my 2 oldest children and my 2 youngest middle child could not be here...but always, she is in my heart.

Getting to spend some time with my children now that they are grown is a gift. Every moment that we share is stored in my mind. Now that they are grown, my role as their mom has changed...I am still adjusting to this. These incredible people, that are not only my children have become my friends.

My heart is still hurting...still aching for my youngest. My home feels his absence. I am spending my last days with my oldest child(daughter)and her daughter(my oldest granddaughter)...these are moments that I want time to stop.

Saturday, June 14, 2008

He's gone

My heart hurts. Sadness permeates my soul and I can't get away from it. I have walked down this road before with three of my other children but in no way does that prepare me to handle this any better. As a mother, to watch your child fly or drive away from you, knowing you will not see them for a long time is a heart wrenching experience. Letting go hurts. Watching him drive away from me yesterday...knowing it will be a long time before I get to see feels like I got the wind knocked out of me. He took a part of my heart with him just as the others did when they left.

In my head, I know all the right answers to this...I know that he will be "fine"...I know to some extent it will get better...because this is not new to me, I also know that the ache of missing your child, doesn't completely go away. It never leaves me. It's not that I don't support him in his leaving...I am proud of him for his courage and his belief in himself...I am glad that I raised him to know how to live independently from me. I am happy for him and all that he will experience on this journey. I know all these things...tell that to my heart that feels ripped in half right now.

Maybe the fact that he is my last baby...that makes this so hard. Yes, I know we are raising 2 more grandchildren right now, who in reality, we are their parents and could very likely be raising to adulthood but it's not the same. He is my last one...his leaving is his beginning but for me it's an ending to a life that I thought while in the midst of it, would go on forever. It is over. Life will be different. I know in time I will adjust...I will get used to his being gone.

I miss him with all of my being. I hurt. Eventually that pain will get less but right now it feels like hell. My house feels his absence. I go in his room...his old room and I still smell his smell. I look at the belongings he left behind and I just want him back here with me. The little people look for him...they ask about him...they think he is downstairs in his bedroom sleeping or watching TV...this makes me cry. They don't understand his leaving but in time they will. He was a significant part of their daily lives and they will miss him. It is empty here without him and there is nothing to fill his absence. I just want to see his beautiful smile. I just want to hug him one more time.

Life hurts sometimes. Right now life really sucks. I am tired. Even though I know that in time I will feel better...I too will get over's reaching that point that is the hard part. I let go. It hurts to let go. Ultimately it's what is right and best for him and eventually me. I wanted to hang on to him so tightly and not let him go but I didn't. I set him free yesterday.

Yesterday, I cried for most of the day. Whenever I cry my little man calls it "dripping"...he kept saying "your dripping mommy" and "are you sad". He more than the other little people understands that his uncle or big brother left and that it is making mommy very sad and causing her to drip. One of the first things he said to me this morning was "mommy are you still dripping today?" and "Mommy are you still sad?" Oh, the love of my little people.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

You make my life grand

These are my 4 grandchildren. They each own a peice of my heart. Beautiful. Priceless. Precious. Amazing.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

My Youngest Son

Today is my youngest son's 19th birthday. I cannot believe that this gift, in the form of my son, has been with me for 19 years. He was my toughest, hardest gift to raise. Had he been my first child, he would have been an only child. I named him after my brother who is one of my very best friends. He too, was a hard child, a difficult child, so maybe it's the name. Both of them ended up to be amazing men.

This is the son that I wasn't really suppose to have...the child I never planned on having. He was 10 lbs. when he was born and he never wanted to stop eating. Ever. I swear to God that all I ever did was feed him. This son of mine is the one that tested me beyond my limits. He pushed me daily and he challenged me in every parenting tool I had ever learned up to this point and after. Every day was a new adventure with him and there was nothing stopping him from going for what he wanted...not even me. He feared nothing.

So yeah, parenting him was a lot of work...he never learned the first time, second, third or fourth times either. Parenting him made me doubt myself and my ability to parent. He tested all my parenting techniques that had worked on the others but I persevered...I pressed on towards the goal of raising him to be a nice, upstanding, respectful, loving, kind young man. Today, he is all these things plus more.

When I was in the middle of all that parenting it felt like it would last forever...I thought this time would never come but here we are now...he is 19 years old...he has just graduated from high school and in 2 days he will drive over 2000 miles away from me to start a new life. This is the time that I waited for, way back the middle of all the dirty work of parenting, I could hardly wait for it to be over...and here I am wishing I could go back...just to hold my baby one more time.

He is an amazing young man. He never ceases to amaze me. He is all the things I had hoped for plus more. He is way more than what I imagined him to be. He like his siblings raised me up as his mother...he helped train and test me to be the mother that I am...he was my final test. I look at him in awe...and wonder how someone so great could have come from me.

I cannot imagine my life without him. I don't want to know a life without him. How precious his life has been to mine and so many others. He has made me better in so many ways. I celebrate him today...his life and all that he stands for...for the gift that he is to me every day. I know he is going to do wonderful things in his life...I know his future holds many adventures for him and that he will, like the first 19 years of his life, live it to the limits and not let anything stand in his way from reaching his goals.

Happy Birthday my dear dear son...don't ever stop being all that you are...don't ever stop believing in yourself and your abilities. Always remember your worth and value and don't ever let anyone make you think that you are less then you are. Remember mistakes are not failures...they are opportunities to learn and to try again. There is nothing you could ever do that would make me stop loving you and supporting you...please don't ever doubt this. This day is a celebration of your life...of who and all that you are. I could not be prouder of you, not because of how smart you are or how good you did at sports but because of who you are.

Dear son of mine, you are precious to bring such joy to my heart and are a constant gift to me. Thank you for all that you have given me. You, my last born, are the perfect ending. I love you with all my heart...all the way to the moon and back.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

These are the moments

My son's graduation party was a great success...we got everything done on time, the weather cooperated, great turnout, the little people were done being sick on time for the weekend so all was good. I am exhausted but don't expect that to end as this week is just as busy...this week has been bittersweet as I help my son prepare for moving over 2000 miles away early Friday morning, while enjoying having my eldest daughter here from Florida. Tomorrow her fiance and daughter, my precious granddaughter, whom is 9...the one that gave me the title of grandma first, will fly in. Whenever one of my children or granddaughter come back home for a visit, it is as though part of my heart comes back to me.

I will have the rare occasion to have all 4 of my grandchildren with me at the same time for a couple of days. Spending time with 4 of my 5 children has been precious, yet I miss my daughter from out of state that was unable to come...her absence is felt by us all. The thing is, it's not the same when any one of them is not here. My heart always aches for them. It does not just go away. It really doesn't get better. I have learned how to live with it and how to get by but that doesn't mean it is gone. Ever. Soon my baby will heart will ache for him too...his absence will be felt and just as when the others left, it will feel as though part of my heart is being ripped out...and I will have to watch it drive away.

For the last few weeks I have been blessed to have gotten to spend more time with my son...these moments are priceless to me because I know that he could be spending time with his friends instead of with me...and not once did I ask for him to do this. This means everything to me. Honestly, I expected him to be hanging out most nights with his many friends but most nights he has spent here at home. These moments with him...just being...are extraordinary.

Last Friday, he left to get a haircut and came back with flowers for me. Today he took his sister and me out for lunch and then later bought me an MP3 player so that I would have something to listen to while I worked out. He is not ashamed to tell me he loves me or give me a hug, even in front of his friends... How precious is that?

These are the moments that I hang on to...that I wrap my heart around and will never forget. I want time to stop. I don't want these moments to pass too fast. Over the next couple of days, I will be working on letting go. With everything that is in me, I want to hang on so tightly to him and beg him to stay. Deep within me I know I can't hang on to him, that I have to let him go...set him free to fly all on his own because when it comes down to it that is what I have been preparing him to do for the last 19 years...this is his time. These are the moments as a a parent, that I have to let go so that he can set out on his own journey. I have 19 years worth of moments with him...watching him become who he is today. These are the moments that I will hang onto after he is gone.

It's not like I won't share more moments with him after he is's just that life will not be the same anymore...I know this from experience...I have 4 that have walked this journey with me already. I know the moments will be less because he will be so far away. From me. My mothers heart aches for what was, yet it rejoices for what is yet to come in watching him become.

Friday, June 6, 2008

What's there not to love...huh?

So yeah, it's been the mother of all weeks and yeah, I'm so to my limits...and all I can say is things better improve because there is only so much humor I can pull out of myself on any given week. We do a lot of singing, dancing, laughing, acting silly...what we call crazy making, through out our days...just to get by. I have a saying that I say quite frequently,to my little people, "I am going crazy, do you want to come with?" To which they usually reply quite happily with, "Sure, I want to come with to crazy."

Let me just say that without humor, without this "crazy making"...without laughing in the midst of the puke and shit I would not have survived and just maybe it was some of the things said to me this week by my favorite little people, that helped make things a little bit sweeter.

Such as at 6 this morning when little man got up...ugg!
Me: "Is that my favorite little boy in the world, that I hear?"
Little man: "Yep, that's me, huh, and here's the favorite, little mommy in the world, huh."

I am trying to wash dishes yesterday morning with 3 little helpers. Meaning, 3 little people standing at my legs, pushing and shoving, screaming, to be the one that is touching me the most.
Me: "Okay little people, wouldn't you much rather go play with your actual toys or watch tv?"
Little lady: "Nooooooo mommy!"
Little man: "Oh no mommy, I'd much rather be with you, huh."

Yesterday, I heard little man up in his room when he was suppose to be napping, so I went in there and found him standing on his tool box and opening up his window.
Me: "What are you doing out of bed?"
Little man: "It stinks in here huh!"
And my gawd did it ever stink...another crap explosion but thankfully this time it wasn't on his bedding!
Little man:"I think theres been another explosion in my diaper huh."
After changing him, he said "thank you mommy for making me all clean again."

Yesterday, while trying to dust my house with 3 little helpers. Yes, I am crazy.
Little man: "Mommy, aren't you so happy that I'm helping you, huh?
Me: "Sure."
Little lady: "Me help mommy too!"
Little man: "We love helping mommy make our house pretty huh. Do you like making our house pretty mommy huh?"
Me: "Maybe you guys could go make your rooms pretty by picking up your toys."
Little man: "No thank you."

This morning at 6:30 while watching cartoons in my bed. Little man grabs me and hugs me really tight and says, "oh mommy, my love is so big for you!"
Me: "oh thank you, I love you so big too."
Little man: "your welcome mommy...and thank you for using good manners mommy, huh."

Did you catch the word, "huh" at the end of most of his sentences? Just recently he started using this word at the end many of his sentences. Go figure. I am clueless to where that comes from. Well, I have one child on my lap and two others trying to get on there so my time is up. So anyways, here's a picture of my 3 little helpers...what's there not to love huh?

Thursday, June 5, 2008

Stinky Interruptions

Talk about life has enough of them and now there are more. Seems that life was just not exciting enough around here so a few more interruptions needed to get thrown in to the mix. On Sunday night the stomach flu hit our home with both little man and little lady getting it...fine, I can handle this...whats one day of not getting things done around here in preparation for J-mans party?

On Monday night I woke up sick to my stomach...seems that the nausea I had felt all day Monday was NOT from cleaning up vomit and shit or the horrible smell coming from my children. Tuesday was horrible to say the least...being sick while taking care of two sick little ones...need I say more? Another day of not getting much done. The clock is ticking away and I just want to bury my head under a rock.

I woke up yesterday not feeling much better but it seemed like little man and little lady were feeling better so fed them their cereal like normal. In fact I started thinking maybe I was feeling better too and that just maybe I could get some things done. When I picked little lady up from her chair and gave her a hug, I could smell something and before it was too late I had her crap all over me. Not long after getting her, myself and the kitchen cleaned up, little man had an explosion all of his own. It smelled like somebody or something died in my house. I opened up windows in spite of it being COLD outside to get my house aired out. Why is there never anyone else home when things like this happen? Like my husband who has a strong stomach?

At this point I am thinking what is going to come of this party we are suppose to have for J-man on Sunday...not only am I sick to my stomach but in a lot of pain due to the cold, there seems to be no end to the cold, rainy weather we are having, the little people want me to sit and hold them and I am not getting anything done. I had my own little pity party for a short time and then convinced myself that everything will get done...eventually. Later in the morning J-man came home and he was a great help with the little people so I could get some things done before I had to leave for a doctors appointment. Between my husband, J-man and myself we got quite a bit done yesterday so things are looking up in that department.

J-man woke me up around 1 am this morning to tell me that he has the stomach flu. Then we were woken up early this morning to another crap explosion from little man...once again all of his bedding was in the washer before 7 am. So, the start to another exciting day around here.

It has been raining and storming here every day and it is suppose to keep up through out the weekend. That is another wrench thrown into this mess because where are we going to put everyone for J-man graduation party? We only have a small garage that is full of stuff so that isn't an option. We have one tent and are praying that God sheds a little love on us and give us a break from the rain.

These interruptions...these unexpected happenings...these things that test my sanity and patience...are a reminder of how dirty of a job motherhood is or just how plain dirty life can get sometimes and for the most part we really don't have any damm control over "it"...we only have control over how we respond to "it". Life happens. Life can really stink. Life sucks sometimes. Life is hard. Life is also good but it doesn't always feel that way.

We will get through this...these interruptions will pass and more will come because life isn't always what we plan. My next interruption will come in a short time as my beautiful son, J-man, will be leaving me to make his own journey. As much as this saddens me, I am so damm proud of him for his courage to fly out on his own. For now, today, I will deal with the interruptions at hand.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Interuptions of a 3 year old!

Well people our lives are continuing to be interrupted by the testings of 3 year old little man. On Sunday, I had to leave first thing in the morning to go help a friend with her daughters graduation party and little man wanted to come with me. Of course he had to stay home and would be coming later which I talked to him about.

Little man had a hay day while I was away...what started out as not listening and talking back and whining/crying to get his way and teasing his little sister and cousin and making them cry...and having tantrums and biting grandpa/daddy in the chest, thus being sent to his room to play by himself turned into quite a mess.

Apparently it got pretty quiet in there so J-man(my youngest son) went to check on him...opened his door to find that little man had ripped up all his diapers and wipes so J-man hollered to my husband that he might want to come in there...husband went in there of course...the first thing he noticed is that the windows are open and that the screens are missing...and after looking around the room notices that his bedding is also missing along with some of his toys...

If you haven't guessed it already, little man had pushed out the screens of his windows and had thrown everything out his windows...yep, it was all laying on the ground outside. My husband and J-man were totally dumb founded. What makes a child do something like this? I have spent the last 18 years trying to figure this out since J-man did things along this line when he was young...I barely survived seriously, he pushed me to my limits on a daily basis, just as I am being pushed every day by little man.

Yesterday, I had a good talk with him about his behavior on Sunday. I made it clear that on no uncertain terms that if he ever does that again, that he would be the one cleaning up the mess and that he would lose everything that he threw out...that it would go in a box and be put away in the garage.

We do not need interruptions like these...not this week with all that we have to do in preparing for J-mans graduation party....or any other week for that matter. What possesses one child to behave in this manner and others to not is beyond me. I should know the answer to this since I have already raised one child like this and have taken care of many children through my childcare years and yes some pushed the limits constantly just as little man...but I don't. Every day is an adventure with a child...and a child like this make life that much more...interesting.

Once again...this is a test...I will pass...I think I will pass...I hope I will pass.

Monday, June 2, 2008

My happy graduate

My son J-man graduated from high school this past Saturday evening. It was a bitter sweet occasion for me as this was my last child to graduate from high school yet I am so damn proud of him. Yesterday was spent helping a good friend with her graduation party for her daughter, whom is my son's best friend. They have been best friends since they were in diapers, so it was a special day. I was suppose to start first thing this morning on my graduation party preparations for our party next Sunday, which of course is not easy in the least with little ones under foot. All plans have been halted due to them both getting is always exciting around here. It is cold and rainy here this morning...I do love the sound of the thunder though. Happy Monday to you!