In our family...

In our family....we do second chances...we do grace...we do real...we do mistakes...we do I'm sorry (and I forgive you)...we do loud really well...we do hugs...we do family...we do love.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Cry baby cry

I am a cry baby. I started crying early this morning as I sat alone for a few moments anticipating today's drive to the airport to drop off my daughter and granddaughter so that they can fly back home to Florida. I should be used to this by gawd it's been almost 6 years since I have been saying goodbye and letting go of them. It's not.

We left early this morning and it was a sad trip. Little man and little lady came along and since they are only 3 and almost 2, they have no concept of distance nor do they understand that they won't be seeing their aunt and cousin for a long time. They simply love and adored many wonderful ordinary moments were shared with them. Their absence from our home is already felt. Even though they will talk to them on the phone how do I make them understand that they aren't going to be here tomorrow?

Since their uncle, J-man, my youngest son, left a few weeks ago, they have asked where he is daily...multiple times a day actually. His absence is still being felt and actually since he left while my daughter and granddaughter were here for their visit, I don't think I or even they have really experienced his absence fully...until today. When I went into little lady's bedroom this afternoon, she was holding a picture of him holding her and she was kissing him. Little man asked me just a short while ago if uncle J-man can take them swimming today. How do I make them understand that although they talk to him on the phone they can't see him today or even tomorrow?

Their cousin, whom lives with us, left for his visit with his daddy, to Omaha, Nebraska last week and will return this Thursday. First thing EVERY morning they ask where A-man is...all day long they look for him. A-man is more like a sibling since he has spent most of his life living here with us. These little people have grown up together. A-mans mom, my youngest daughter, just accepted a job in Omaha, this week. I understand why...I know that she wants her son to be near his daddy...I know that having A-man gone so far from her for such long periods every month are too hard on her...I know she has gained strength in her wings once again and has the need...the desire to fly from home once again...the time has come. In 3 weeks they will be moving away...leaving. Little man and little lady love and adore her to the fullest. She has been a stable, constant person in their lives, outside of my husband and I. How do I explain this to little man and little lady?

We have not seen my middle daughter in over a year. I am completely homesick for her. She will be home at the end of July for a visit. I am counting down the days until I get to wrap my arms around her and see her smiling face in person. Pictures are great but they are not the same. Little man and little lady mostly know her through pictures. She is wonderful with them and I know they too will fall in love with her all over again when she is here.

There is so much sadness over my children leaving and the anticipated leaving of my daughter and grandson, that my heart is breaking right now. My heart literally hurts. Not just for me but for little man and little lady who don't understand...all they know is that these special people that they love, leave...and they don't see them for a long time...sometimes ever.

It is the hardest for little man...he remembers his first mommy...his birth mommy...who left over a year ago and never came back. This is reality for him. This is his biggest fear...people leaving and not coming back. He obsesses over this...I mean this literally...multiple times a day, he inquires where all his loved ones are and when they are coming home. He stopped inquiring about his birth mom many months ago, but, I know that somewhere deep inside of him he still has hurts and fears because of her. My husband, his grandpa by birth, his daddy by choice and I are at the top of this list. Although, I so rarely leave him for anything, when I do, this is a MAJOR issue for him. Some days are better than others, but there are days when I leave to run to the store and he will be upset until I return. When I return he will say to me"I'm so happy you came back"...this makes me sad to my core. These are things that weigh so heavily on my heart.

Letting go is kills me inside each and every time. It does not get easier each time. The time I share with my children, now that they are adults is so damn amazing. It's amazing because they truly are amazing people. I would like them even if they weren't my children. The same can be said of my grandchildren...they are each so perfectly amazing and beautiful and the relationship I have with each of them is more than I ever expected to have. I am blessed beyond anything I ever dreamed of. I miss their presence here...their laughter, their smiles, their voices, their today I will cry...and most likely there will be days of crying...I will mourn their leaving.


Michelle said...

Your posts always cut right to my heart. Through your words I feel what I am inevitably going to feel someday when my babies grom up and move on.

Kristen Andrews said...

you have a beautiful family! So glad you found my blog.