My heart hurts. Sadness permeates my soul and I can't get away from it. I have walked down this road before with three of my other children but in no way does that prepare me to handle this any better. As a mother, to watch your child fly or drive away from you, knowing you will not see them for a long time is a heart wrenching experience. Letting go hurts. Watching him drive away from me yesterday...knowing it will be a long time before I get to see him...it feels like I got the wind knocked out of me. He took a part of my heart with him just as the others did when they left.
In my head, I know all the right answers to this...I know that he will be "fine"...I know to some extent it will get better...because this is not new to me, I also know that the ache of missing your child, doesn't completely go away. It never leaves me. It's not that I don't support him in his leaving...I am proud of him for his courage and his belief in himself...I am glad that I raised him to know how to live independently from me. I am happy for him and all that he will experience on this journey. I know all these things...tell that to my heart that feels ripped in half right now.
Maybe the fact that he is my last child...my baby...that makes this so hard. Yes, I know we are raising 2 more grandchildren right now, who in reality, we are their parents and could very likely be raising to adulthood but it's not the same. He is my last one...his leaving is his beginning but for me it's an ending...an ending to a life that I thought while in the midst of it, would go on forever. It is over. Life will be different. I know in time I will adjust...I will get used to his being gone.
I miss him with all of my being. I hurt. Eventually that pain will get less but right now it feels like hell. My house feels his absence. I go in his room...his old room and I still smell his smell. I look at the belongings he left behind and I just want him back here with me. The little people look for him...they ask about him...they think he is downstairs in his bedroom sleeping or watching TV...this makes me cry. They don't understand his leaving but in time they will. He was a significant part of their daily lives and they will miss him. It is empty here without him and there is nothing to fill his absence. I just want to see his beautiful smile. I just want to hug him one more time.
Life hurts sometimes. Right now life really sucks. I am tired. Even though I know that in time I will feel better...I too will get over this...it's reaching that point that is the hard part. I let go. It hurts to let go. Ultimately it's what is right and best for him and eventually me. I wanted to hang on to him so tightly and not let him go but I didn't. I set him free yesterday.
Yesterday, I cried for most of the day. Whenever I cry my little man calls it "dripping"...he kept saying "your dripping mommy" and "are you sad". He more than the other little people understands that his uncle or big brother left and that it is making mommy very sad and causing her to drip. One of the first things he said to me this morning was "mommy are you still dripping today?" and "Mommy are you still sad?" Oh, the love of my little people.