My son's graduation party was a great success...we got everything done on time, the weather cooperated, great turnout, the little people were done being sick on time for the weekend so all was good. I am exhausted but don't expect that to end as this week is just as busy...this week has been bittersweet as I help my son prepare for moving over 2000 miles away early Friday morning, while enjoying having my eldest daughter here from Florida. Tomorrow her fiance and daughter, my precious granddaughter, whom is 9...the one that gave me the title of grandma first, will fly in. Whenever one of my children or granddaughter come back home for a visit, it is as though part of my heart comes back to me.
I will have the rare occasion to have all 4 of my grandchildren with me at the same time for a couple of days. Spending time with 4 of my 5 children has been precious, yet I miss my daughter from out of state that was unable to come...her absence is felt by us all. The thing is, it's not the same when any one of them is not here. My heart always aches for them. It does not just go away. It really doesn't get better. I have learned how to live with it and how to get by but that doesn't mean it is gone. Ever. Soon my baby will leave...my heart will ache for him too...his absence will be felt and just as when the others left, it will feel as though part of my heart is being ripped out...and I will have to watch it drive away.
For the last few weeks I have been blessed to have gotten to spend more time with my son...these moments are priceless to me because I know that he could be spending time with his friends instead of with me...and not once did I ask for him to do this. This means everything to me. Honestly, I expected him to be hanging out most nights with his many friends but most nights he has spent here at home. These moments with him...just being...are extraordinary.
Last Friday, he left to get a haircut and came back with flowers for me. Today he took his sister and me out for lunch and then later bought me an MP3 player so that I would have something to listen to while I worked out. He is not ashamed to tell me he loves me or give me a hug, even in front of his friends... How precious is that?
These are the moments that I hang on to...that I wrap my heart around and will never forget. I want time to stop. I don't want these moments to pass too fast. Over the next couple of days, I will be working on letting go. With everything that is in me, I want to hang on so tightly to him and beg him to stay. Deep within me I know I can't hang on to him, that I have to let him go...set him free to fly all on his own because when it comes down to it that is what I have been preparing him to do for the last 19 years...this is his time. These are the moments as a mother...as a parent, that I have to let go so that he can set out on his own journey. I have 19 years worth of moments with him...watching him become who he is today. These are the moments that I will hang onto after he is gone.
It's not like I won't share more moments with him after he is gone...it's just that life will not be the same anymore...I know this from experience...I have 4 that have walked this journey with me already. I know the moments will be less because he will be so far away. From me. My mothers heart aches for what was, yet it rejoices for what is yet to come in watching him become.