In our family...

In our family....we do second chances...we do grace...we do real...we do mistakes...we do I'm sorry (and I forgive you)...we do loud really well...we do hugs...we do family...we do love.

Monday, June 21, 2010

Life through the eyes of 3 year olds

This is what happens when two 3 year olds get a hold of a camera in the privacy of a van. Now mind you, that the 5 year old does not participate in their shenanigans, although he does get his picture taken and finds it quite humorous.






































IMG_1838 IMG_1851













Any guesses as to what this is a picture of?


This isn’t even half of the pictures. :)

Can you imagine the conversation that took place during all of this?

I would have loved to be a little mouse in the corner?

When I came upon the scene of their crime, little man was first to tell me that he hadn’t had any part in their shenanigans. Of course he didn’t. He doesn’t like getting into trouble but he sure is entertained by their trouble making, which keeps him from telling on them.

The two 3 year olds informed me that they were having a photo shoot. Of course they were. The 2 little trouble makers are good at either finding trouble or making it themselves.

First of all they were suppose to be eating their freeze pops on the steps NOT in the van. Second of all, they were not suppose to be playing in the van. Lastly, they were not suppose to be playing with the camera.

When my daughter showed me the photo’s they had taken we couldn’t help but laugh.

As you can see, the 3 years olds have fun in their trouble making and the 5 year old is along for the entertainment. And us mom’s? We have to laugh or we would be crying all the time.

Such is life, seen through the eye’s of 3 year olds.


Unexpected Blessings

I was already in bed tonight cuddling with my girls but then I couldn’t sleep because all I could think about was the unexpected blessings of today.

Today, we went to a Fathers Day picnic at my brothers  home in the country.

Along with my parents, most of my siblings and their spouses and some of our children and their children were there.

It was an especially good day.

Not  because it was a warm sunny day after all the dark gloomy rainy days we’ve had.

Not because it was Fathers Day. 

Not because we got our little’s back from their week of vacation.

Not  because of all the delicious food.

It was extra special because something was different. There was more peace present today then there has been in a long  time.

I’m not sure what has caused this.  I know I’m not the only one that felt it.

I suspect it is grace and the melting away of bitterness, anger and hurt.

My family of origin have been through many trials and tribulations. If you had known us way back, you would know we have all come a long ways.

I was never my daddy’s little girl. I mostly tried to stay out of his way.

Things haven’t always been easy with my dad for any of us kids. Love and forgiveness with him has been a journey that has seen it’s high’s and it’s low’s.

That journey took a path down a low road in the past couple of years and it made getting together tense and difficult.

The cry of my heart has been for peace to come to my family. I have prayed for grace to win over the bitterness, anger and hurt feelings.

I see grace as the thread that will keep our family together and will keep history from repeating itself.

As I watched my nieces and their husbands with their little ones and my daughter with her son, I seen the chains that have been broken because of grace and my heart rejoiced.

I watched my sisters and their husbands and my brother and his wife and I couldn’t help but smile at all they have come to be.

I watched my husband and rejoiced that I have a husband that fits in so well and  how he loves my family.

When I watched my mom, who glowed in the glory of her loved ones surrounding her, I seen how happy she was in the peacefulness that surrounded our gathering. My mother heart rejoiced for her because it understands.

I watched my dad and somehow I knew that even though he will most likely never say it, that he knows that having all of us there surrounding him is a blessing.

As I listened to all the noise, chatter and laughter it was music to my ears.

Yes, love shined down on us this day.

The things is, I don’t always get home for things like this, but something told me I needed to go see my dad for Fathers Day today. I am sure glad I did.

I am thankful I didn’t miss out on the gift of this day. 

Now that it is just after midnight I suppose I should try to sleep. :)

Until next time, love and hugs, Lori


Saturday, June 19, 2010

A Special Delivery…

First of all, thank you for all the support and wisdom you shared with me this past week. Your words were very much appreciated and not taken lightly.

Enough of the seriousness for awhile…a special delivery came to my house and I must share it with you!

This sweet adorable young lady just arrived from Florida!!!! I get to have her here with me for a month! Of course I have to share her with the other side of the family but nonetheless after a whole year of not seeing her, she is here!


Her parents can’t come, which makes me sad but she could!

She is eleven years old and my eldest grandchild. How did I get old enough to have a grandchild this old already?

She has been a source of joy and love from the beginning of her existence.

I am so happy to have this time with her.

The little’s adore her. She is such a big help with them.

The little’s have been on vacation at their aunt and uncles this past week(the lucky ducks)but I know that when they see her tomorrow they will scream with delight.

The little’s have been away doing things like…

…fishing, canoeing and playing in the ice cold water even though the weather hasn’t been very warm…

Nevaehs fish

Yes, she caught this fish! I hear she put on her own worms and even touched the fish! I’ve told you, she isn’t scared of much of anything.


Nevaeh swimming

kids at J & J

Nevaeh canoeing at J & J's

jordan canoeing at j & J's






kids at judies







These are 2 of my favorites…

jordan and sprinkler

nevaeh in sprinkler


 We didn’t have daycare this past week, so my sister and brother in law were brave enough to take them on. They are the ones that live where I call a little piece of heaven.

The little’s are so loved and lucky!

Even though I have missed them, I know they have been in good hands. I have welcomed this break to sleep past 6 and not having to leave sad children behind to go to work.

I have enjoyed the few moments of peace and quiet.

We have seen them almost every evening through the wonderful world of Skype, to hear about their day and give them kisses goodnight. If you have loved ones that live at a distance, this is so worth having and did I tell you it’s free?

While they have been away, I got a chance to enjoy being a grandma to these 2 without them having to share me with the little’s. That rarely happens.aidyn and Rayna at beach


Have I told you how much I love being their grandma?

And next week…my “baby”, who turned 21 recently, will be flying home for a month. He recently finished his 2 year college program and will be starting a police academy this fall. So he’s taking a break from the hot Florida sun and coming home.

I love the sound of that!

I can hardly wait to hug this guy.


My other kids cannot come home which makes me sad but I am focusing on the one’s that are here and enjoying every second I have with them.

I am blessed. I know this but sometimes I forget.

Are you blessed? How? I would love to hear about your blessings.

Hope you are having a good weekend!

To all you father’s and those that stand in as father’s to the children in your life, Happy Fathers Day.

Until next time, love and hugs, Lori

Thursday, June 17, 2010

In The Meantime

Finding my voice has been difficult after so many months of being too tired. I learned a very long time ago, how to stifle my voice. And it’s a habit I fall in, too easily, as my survival.  Doing so, keeps the peace around me but inside, not so much.

Keeping it all hidden inside has caused me to grow stagnant and empty.   And sad and not at peace.

So it’s time to pull my voice out and stop being a chicken shit.Sharing it here, where I can hide behind the computer screen, in the privacy of my home, I can share without any one of  you seeing the shame that colors my  face.  It feel much safer.

I was so damn scared as I wrote my last post. Scared that as I let out, what has been hidden within, that it will all come out sounding really crazy or stupid. But, mostly because I fear facing the truth. 

The shame I feel almost kept me from writing it. The sick feeling the shame brings me and wanting to get rid of it, is what drove me to vomit it out on the pages of this blog

This fear and shame have got to go. How did I end up back at this place?

Thank you for your words to my last post. In answer to your questions…Yes, I have pursued him and after being rejected numerous times I have backed off.

Yes, I have talked to him about these things. I have told him how it makes me feel.

The last time, was almost 2 weeks ago. I was getting ready to go help a friend with her son’s graduation party and asked him if I looked okay. And yes, if I’m to be completely honest, I was looking for him to say I looked good…to compliment me.

His answer was that I looked pregnant. I was taken back. I didn’t expect what followed my simple question. I was hurt. He then told me that if I didn’t want to know the truth, that I shouldn’t ask him how I look…that he wasn’t one of these husbands that tells their wives they look good or beautiful when they are not…that if I wanted him to lie, he could do that.

I left home shortly after with little lady in tow.  I cried. I tried not to because of little lady being in the car but I couldn’t help it. Half ways to our destination I pulled over and called my husband. I told him how I felt. I told him everything. I know he felt badly for me. Yet, his words to comfort me were, “ I know that being fat is hard on you but I believe that eventually you will be able to lose the weight.”

We have not discussed this issue since then because all that ends up happening is that I end up feeling worse and he frustrated.

I get the feeling that he thinks by believing in me, he is supporting me. I also think that he thinks if he is accepting of me at my present weight that I won’t do anything to change it.

In asking him if he is still attracted to me, he does not answer me. What does that tell me?

The thing is, I do understand him being turned off to my weight gain and no longer being attracted to me. What I have difficulty understanding is being defined by my weight gain and not by my total package…all the things that make up me…and having him change in his behavior towards me. It went from all to nothing just like that.

Yes, I am hurt by all of this but I still think he is a good guy. Until this, we have not had any issues between us.

I know the stress of me being ill this past year and raising grandchildren and dealing with his daughter, could put strains on us. I get that. What I never imagined is that out of all the things that could come between us, that it would come down to my weight.

Was it wrong of me to assume that since I have given up my life to raise his daughters children as my own and in doing so have sacrificed time with my own children, that when I went through a time of my own need, such as a medical condition that caused me to gain weight, that I would not be left standing alone? A part from the love of my life?

To all of you that want to hit him on the head, believe me, I do too. But, really would that do any good, other then make me feel better? :) 

Many of you suggested talking to him. I don’t know what more I could say to him. I really don’t think he wants to hurt my feelings any more than he has so he will be more guarded with his honesty with me now. I don’t want him to lie to me but do I really want to hear that I look pregnant?

Maybe I really don’t want to keep talking about this because I am afraid of what the truth would reveal?

That he is superficial? That he loves me conditionally?

Before this, he called me a great wife. The only thing that has changed is that I am 40 pounds heavier. Was the thing that made me a good wife the fact that I looked good next to him? And it really had nothing to do with all that I did to support, love and encourage him? Not to mention being his best friend?

Since that last conversation I have been guarded with him. I don’t feel safe around him so I am not my open carefree self that I once was with him. I know he see’s a difference in me since our last talk.

I guess I’ve kind of left the ball in his court. He knows how I feel. He knows that I am hurting and struggling. If he wants things to be back to the way they used to be, he will have to pursue me.

I cannot make him change.  

Yes, I will keep praying for this to be resolved. I will keep working on myself, for me, not him. When I am given the go ahead from the doctors, I will work to lose the weight. I will lose this weight for my health and well being not because I will once again meet his approval and have his affections once again.

In the meantime, I cannot handle anymore rejection. I cannot keep pretending that the changes in his behavior towards me don’t affect me. I cannot keep walking around ashamed of my size in his presence. I cannot keep hiding myself from him so that he doesn’t become even more disgusted of me.

In the meantime, I stop surviving and start living again.

In the meantime, I use my voice and speak up for myself.

In the meantime, I stop hiding in the corner. 

In the meantime, I will find a way to not let his behavior darken my life and steal away my joy.

In the meantime, I will face my shame and fears.

In the meantime, I will find a way to love me, right here, right now.

In the meantime, I am good enough.

Until next time, love and hugs, Lori

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Where Are You Self Confidence?

I have something I need to get outside of myself. I haven’t talked about these things to anyone because I am so ashamed. And because I don’t want people upset with my husband. But, I know I can’t keep trying to figure out all of this by myself.

I mentioned in my first post back that I am struggling with the weight gain of this past year. Gaining 40 lbs and doubling in the size of clothes  I wear, in less than a year, has taken a toll on me.

I don’t feel like me. I don’t feel comfortable in my own skin. I don’t feel comfortable period. I look at myself in the mirror and it feels like I am looking at someone else.

Who is this person looking back at me?

As the weight piled on my body, my self confidence slowly went out the window. The bigger I have become, the more I have hated myself.

I know this reveals how vain I really am. I know that I shouldn’t be thinking about my size and weight right now. But, I cannot lie. This extra fat and weight bothers the hell out of me.

It bothers the hell out of my husband too. I think he has an even harder time with my weight gain then I do. The bottom line is, he is not attracted to this new me…the heavier me. Once the weight started coming on he stopped complimenting me…he stopped looking at me that way he used to…he stopped touching me…he stopped acting like he was nuts about me.

Before this, he couldn’t keep his hands off of me and now he rarely touches me. Before this, he made it very clear of how attracted he was to me…now, he say’s nothing. Before this, he was affectionate towards me and now he’s not.

I know he still loves me but everything in his behavior has changed. At first I thought it was because of me being sick and so exhausted. But, then I started paying more attention and ever so slowly I have become very aware. He does not treat me the same and even he has acknowledged that.

He knows that I have worked hard to not gain weight…he has watched me eat healthy and work out so he knows this weight gain didn’t come from me being careless with eating and laying around.  He knows that this happened because of a medical condition. Still, it doesn’t change his reaction to me.

When I have been discouraged about all of this, I have gone to him for reassurance, but there hasn’t been any.  He has made statements about my extra weight that have hurt my feelings. I know he is just being honest and it is what I want but there are times I wish  he could just reassure me. I have told him this and still he doesn’t really get it.

I know that men are visual. I know that he was attracted to the person he met and fell in love with…the person I was until 9 months ago.  This isn’t fair to him. And I know it isn’t fair to me either.

Even though he still loves me and doesn’t treat me badly, his lack of affection and attraction towards me, hurts me to my core. I miss how he used to feel towards me. I miss my old body that he loved. I miss hearing his compliments. I miss the us that existed when I was thin.

I fear what this is doing to our relationship. I am trying not to resent him.  I am trying to understand where he is coming from. I am trying to pretend this doesn’t hurt as much as it does.

Not being able to try to lose this weight with exercising and cutting calories right now, makes me feel powerless. Feeling tired and like I have the flu constantly, along with the pain I already live with, makes me feel helpless over being able to change all of this. It already feels like I am in a fight for my life…for my health already. Is it now a fight to save my marriage?

I wish that I had the self confidence and esteem to not take his reactions personally. I wish that I could just not care what he thinks about me.  I wish that I wasn’t so nuts about him so that this wouldn’t hurt like it does.

But I do.I can’t lie. I want to crawl under a rock right now and hide until I feel better…until I have lost this weight and feel good again…so that the love of my life can be crazy about me again.

I am ashamed to go anywhere. In fact, most of the time I don’t go anywhere besides work. For months I  hid myself in sweats and big t-shirts. Now that warm weather has come I wear shorts but my face burns in shame as more of my body is revealed.

I am ashamed and scared and I don’t know what to do. I hope that I can lose this weight once the doctors give me the go ahead to start trying. But, what if I don’t? What if I try and I try, but I don’t?  What if I have to have surgery and it’s that much longer?

I don’t know if I can live the rest of my life with getting no affection or with someone that is not attracted to me. I don’t think I can. I don’t just want a room mate that I get along great with. I want a lover that is as crazy about me as I am for him. And is it selfish for me to want this from him, no matter what size I am?

Is this post about being fat and trying to lose weight or is it really about trying not to lose the love of my life?

Self Confidence, where are you?


Sunday, June 13, 2010

Life with my little’s

My little’s are growing up way too fast as kids seems to do. It seems as though they have went from there to here in a blink of an eye.

Why does it never cease to amaze me that I am still doing this great task put before me, of raising 2 children I did not give birth to?

Many things have changed since I used to write regularly. During my absence, I stopped taking pictures and stopped recording this journey of ours. Thankfully, my daughter took pictures for me so I can share some with you. God willing I will be able to keep recording our journey.


They still act pretty wild & silly and keep us on our toes.


Picture0045 Picture0046

How could I

resist these


And of course my grandson A man adds to the excitement and the love and of course the noise!


The 3 of them can fight like cats & dogs but they sure do love each other.



 There are days that the noise level from the 3 of these little people drives us crazy but I wouldn’t want to be without them for one second.


What is it with this mother heart of mine? It seems to keep on growing and shows no limits on it’s ability to love. My heart still aches for my children that are now grown and have flown so far from home yet it swells with pride in seeing them live their lives.

I found the wonderful world of Skype which allows me to see their beautiful faces and hear their voices and all for FREE! Such smiles and happiness it brings the little’s to see the people they love so much.

In spite of health issue’s, life does go on and these two have continued to brighten my days even when I felt like giving up.


Little lady has finally grown hair…lots of blond curls! She is the toughest little girlie girl that loves dresses and everything girl but gets dirtier then most little boys. She is my stinker.  She is strong willed and temperamental. She hides from us and scares the hell out of us when we can’t find her…and she thinks this is funny.

She talks back more then any of my other children ever did.Her response to getting ALL of her toys taken away(When I say taken away, I mean they are completely packed away!), is “I don’t care, I can still play with sticks, rocks, dirt and water.” UGH!!!!

She repeatedly turns the water on outside and chases the boys and neighbors kids with the hose and of course manages to get the clothes drying on the line outside wet while doing so.

She exasperates me. She keeps me on my toes and anyone else that watches her.

She tries my patience daily and is not afraid of anything…especially of getting into trouble. It does NOT phase her!

You would think this is a child that doesn’t get disciplined,punished or taught but believe me people she is.

She can be as sweet as sugar but has an attitude bigger then her britches.  Do NOT let her sweetness fool you!

Nevaeh 11

 For example…recently, a show on TV had a bride about ready to get married and I said to her, “When you get older maybe you will get married like that.” To which she loudly and sweetly announced “When I get big I’m going to marry you Mommy!” After explaining to her that people don’t marry their mommy’s, she stomped off to her room and proceeded to scream angry words directed at me, at the top of her lungs. Saying things like, “I don’t want to marry mommy ANYMORE!” A few minutes later she comes back out to me, to sweetly give me kisses and hugs and tells me she loves me. While she walks away, she quietly say’s, “I am too going to marry you mommy.”

What would I do without this little girl that has added to my gray hairs?

Nevaeh 17

Little man has grown up and come through so many of his past behavior issues. He is presently in this wonderful stage of being quite pleasant, polite, cooperative, easy to get along with and very sweet. Now don’t get me wrong, he has always been sweet to me, but he has become especially sweet. And yes, he still has his days. :)


An example of this sweetness…that conversation with little lady about marrying me…little man was sitting with me too and right after little lady had announced her intentions of marrying me, he announced his intentions of marrying me too. After I explained about not marrying your mommy and little lady had stomped off, he continued to address this subject. I told him that when he gets older he will meet someone very special, that he will adore more than anyone else in the world. To which he replied, “ But you are very special and I adore you more than anyone in the whole world!”

Later, they told Daddy of their intentions of marrying me and he asked them, “What about me?” To which, little man said, “Well you can come to the wedding.”

He finished preschool, which he loved and every one of the teachers fell in love with him too.

Jordan with certificate

At the end of May he turned 5…


…and we had a pirate party. Aren’t these 3 of the cutest pirates you’ve ever seen?

the 3 pirates

He still never stops talking and asking questions. I really don’t think I’ve ever met a 5 year quite like him. He  loves to help outside and in the kitchen. I cannot imagine my life without this sweet little boy.


These little people really are amazing. They have added to my already amazing children and grandchildren.

5 children + 2 “grand” children + 2 grandchildren =10 amazing people that toss & turn my heart.

Each of them have kept me grounded. They have reminded me time and time again of what is most important in this life.

They are my teachers.

They are my life interrupted.

Wherever this ride is taking me, I am absolutely sure it will be right where I’m suppose to be.

Until next time, love & hugs, Lori

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Alive & Kicking

Hello, is anyone still here?

I am still alive & kicking. 

No, I haven’t fallen off the face of the earth. No, I haven’t forgotten about any of you. No, my love for writing hasn’t stopped. No, I haven’t given up.

Instead I have been kicking, scratching, screaming and fighting like hell to get back up to the surface. I am starting to see the light of day and that’s a good thing.

The health problems of this past year have kicked my ass. Literally. This has been one shit sandwich that came served on a platter.

I started seeing this wonderful naturopathic doctor who thought I needed to see a medical doctor for issues that went beyond what he could help me with.

Thankfully I found this wonderful medical doctor right out my back door…a country doctor that doesn’t charge an arm & a leg for her services AND she spends a good amount of time with her patients AND she is great at what she does AND she also believes in natural remedies AND she still makes house calls! Amazing!

Many tests and trial’s and error’s later, I have been getting some answers.

The two of them have been working to get me well. I feel blessed to have found both of them even though I haven’t always liked what they have to say. Such as…

*No exercising until I am much better.

*No dieting. In fact I’m suppose to be eating more fat! Hard to do when all I want to do is lose this weight.

*Cutting work hours…that’s hard to do when you need a paycheck.

*Rest as much as possible…with the little’s around? In fact, I’m suppose to be a couch potato…ugh.

*Take my medicines…even if they taste nasty.

*Cry…to start feeling and letting out my emotions…this has been the hardest to follow.

I am still not totally well…in fact the doctors tell me it will be some time yet. If things don’t improve I will have to have my thyroid removed. I started a new medicine for it and now it’s been doubled so all fingers are crossed that this will be the trick.

I’m sick of being exhausted and feeling like I have the flu every single day. I am sad I had to cancel our trip to Florida this month, for my granddaughters graduation to middle school. I am sad that so much of life has passed me by during this time of hardly being able to hold up my head.

BUT…I am thankful to be alive and still kicking. Even though my house has nearly crumbled around me from lack of getting cleaned regularly, it is the least of my worries at this point. I am just thankful in the here and now to have what I have and to have this opportunity to write.

In my efforts to claw my way back up to the top, I have come to realize the value of having one’s health and to be my own advocate in seeking out answers.

On the bright side, I have at least stopped gaining weight. I was eating very healthy and well under 1500 calories and exercising over an hour a day and still gaining weight. Ugh! In less then a year I gained at least 40 pounds people…I doubled in my size of clothes! How is this possible? It feels like I am stuck inside someone else’s body.

I never realized how vain I am until now.  But, that is a post for another day.

There are so many things I’ve wanted to say but not sure how to say them. Losing my voice has left me  disconnected from all of you and my soul has yearned to connect time and time again. God willing there will be another day to write more.

I never really realized how  much I benefited from your words until I no longer had the energy to even read. If I have not been by your place to visit  today, God willing I will be by soon.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for caring about me and for taking the time to stop and let me know you care. Thank you for not forgetting about me and truly being my friend.

Very soon, I will update you about the little’s!

Love & Hugs, Lori