I have something I need to get outside of myself. I haven’t talked about these things to anyone because I am so ashamed. And because I don’t want people upset with my husband. But, I know I can’t keep trying to figure out all of this by myself.
I mentioned in my first post back that I am struggling with the weight gain of this past year. Gaining 40 lbs and doubling in the size of clothes I wear, in less than a year, has taken a toll on me.
I don’t feel like me. I don’t feel comfortable in my own skin. I don’t feel comfortable period. I look at myself in the mirror and it feels like I am looking at someone else.
Who is this person looking back at me?
As the weight piled on my body, my self confidence slowly went out the window. The bigger I have become, the more I have hated myself.
I know this reveals how vain I really am. I know that I shouldn’t be thinking about my size and weight right now. But, I cannot lie. This extra fat and weight bothers the hell out of me.
It bothers the hell out of my husband too. I think he has an even harder time with my weight gain then I do. The bottom line is, he is not attracted to this new me…the heavier me. Once the weight started coming on he stopped complimenting me…he stopped looking at me that way he used to…he stopped touching me…he stopped acting like he was nuts about me.
Before this, he couldn’t keep his hands off of me and now he rarely touches me. Before this, he made it very clear of how attracted he was to me…now, he say’s nothing. Before this, he was affectionate towards me and now he’s not.
I know he still loves me but everything in his behavior has changed. At first I thought it was because of me being sick and so exhausted. But, then I started paying more attention and ever so slowly I have become very aware. He does not treat me the same and even he has acknowledged that.
He knows that I have worked hard to not gain weight…he has watched me eat healthy and work out so he knows this weight gain didn’t come from me being careless with eating and laying around. He knows that this happened because of a medical condition. Still, it doesn’t change his reaction to me.
When I have been discouraged about all of this, I have gone to him for reassurance, but there hasn’t been any. He has made statements about my extra weight that have hurt my feelings. I know he is just being honest and it is what I want but there are times I wish he could just reassure me. I have told him this and still he doesn’t really get it.
I know that men are visual. I know that he was attracted to the person he met and fell in love with…the person I was until 9 months ago. This isn’t fair to him. And I know it isn’t fair to me either.
Even though he still loves me and doesn’t treat me badly, his lack of affection and attraction towards me, hurts me to my core. I miss how he used to feel towards me. I miss my old body that he loved. I miss hearing his compliments. I miss the us that existed when I was thin.
I fear what this is doing to our relationship. I am trying not to resent him. I am trying to understand where he is coming from. I am trying to pretend this doesn’t hurt as much as it does.
Not being able to try to lose this weight with exercising and cutting calories right now, makes me feel powerless. Feeling tired and like I have the flu constantly, along with the pain I already live with, makes me feel helpless over being able to change all of this. It already feels like I am in a fight for my life…for my health already. Is it now a fight to save my marriage?
I wish that I had the self confidence and esteem to not take his reactions personally. I wish that I could just not care what he thinks about me. I wish that I wasn’t so nuts about him so that this wouldn’t hurt like it does.
But I do.I can’t lie. I want to crawl under a rock right now and hide until I feel better…until I have lost this weight and feel good again…so that the love of my life can be crazy about me again.
I am ashamed to go anywhere. In fact, most of the time I don’t go anywhere besides work. For months I hid myself in sweats and big t-shirts. Now that warm weather has come I wear shorts but my face burns in shame as more of my body is revealed.
I am ashamed and scared and I don’t know what to do. I hope that I can lose this weight once the doctors give me the go ahead to start trying. But, what if I don’t? What if I try and I try, but I don’t? What if I have to have surgery and it’s that much longer?
I don’t know if I can live the rest of my life with getting no affection or with someone that is not attracted to me. I don’t think I can. I don’t just want a room mate that I get along great with. I want a lover that is as crazy about me as I am for him. And is it selfish for me to want this from him, no matter what size I am?
Is this post about being fat and trying to lose weight or is it really about trying not to lose the love of my life?
Self Confidence, where are you?