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Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Where Are You Self Confidence?

I have something I need to get outside of myself. I haven’t talked about these things to anyone because I am so ashamed. And because I don’t want people upset with my husband. But, I know I can’t keep trying to figure out all of this by myself.

I mentioned in my first post back that I am struggling with the weight gain of this past year. Gaining 40 lbs and doubling in the size of clothes  I wear, in less than a year, has taken a toll on me.

I don’t feel like me. I don’t feel comfortable in my own skin. I don’t feel comfortable period. I look at myself in the mirror and it feels like I am looking at someone else.

Who is this person looking back at me?

As the weight piled on my body, my self confidence slowly went out the window. The bigger I have become, the more I have hated myself.

I know this reveals how vain I really am. I know that I shouldn’t be thinking about my size and weight right now. But, I cannot lie. This extra fat and weight bothers the hell out of me.

It bothers the hell out of my husband too. I think he has an even harder time with my weight gain then I do. The bottom line is, he is not attracted to this new me…the heavier me. Once the weight started coming on he stopped complimenting me…he stopped looking at me that way he used to…he stopped touching me…he stopped acting like he was nuts about me.

Before this, he couldn’t keep his hands off of me and now he rarely touches me. Before this, he made it very clear of how attracted he was to me…now, he say’s nothing. Before this, he was affectionate towards me and now he’s not.

I know he still loves me but everything in his behavior has changed. At first I thought it was because of me being sick and so exhausted. But, then I started paying more attention and ever so slowly I have become very aware. He does not treat me the same and even he has acknowledged that.

He knows that I have worked hard to not gain weight…he has watched me eat healthy and work out so he knows this weight gain didn’t come from me being careless with eating and laying around.  He knows that this happened because of a medical condition. Still, it doesn’t change his reaction to me.

When I have been discouraged about all of this, I have gone to him for reassurance, but there hasn’t been any.  He has made statements about my extra weight that have hurt my feelings. I know he is just being honest and it is what I want but there are times I wish  he could just reassure me. I have told him this and still he doesn’t really get it.

I know that men are visual. I know that he was attracted to the person he met and fell in love with…the person I was until 9 months ago.  This isn’t fair to him. And I know it isn’t fair to me either.

Even though he still loves me and doesn’t treat me badly, his lack of affection and attraction towards me, hurts me to my core. I miss how he used to feel towards me. I miss my old body that he loved. I miss hearing his compliments. I miss the us that existed when I was thin.

I fear what this is doing to our relationship. I am trying not to resent him.  I am trying to understand where he is coming from. I am trying to pretend this doesn’t hurt as much as it does.

Not being able to try to lose this weight with exercising and cutting calories right now, makes me feel powerless. Feeling tired and like I have the flu constantly, along with the pain I already live with, makes me feel helpless over being able to change all of this. It already feels like I am in a fight for my life…for my health already. Is it now a fight to save my marriage?

I wish that I had the self confidence and esteem to not take his reactions personally. I wish that I could just not care what he thinks about me.  I wish that I wasn’t so nuts about him so that this wouldn’t hurt like it does.

But I do.I can’t lie. I want to crawl under a rock right now and hide until I feel better…until I have lost this weight and feel good again…so that the love of my life can be crazy about me again.

I am ashamed to go anywhere. In fact, most of the time I don’t go anywhere besides work. For months I  hid myself in sweats and big t-shirts. Now that warm weather has come I wear shorts but my face burns in shame as more of my body is revealed.

I am ashamed and scared and I don’t know what to do. I hope that I can lose this weight once the doctors give me the go ahead to start trying. But, what if I don’t? What if I try and I try, but I don’t?  What if I have to have surgery and it’s that much longer?

I don’t know if I can live the rest of my life with getting no affection or with someone that is not attracted to me. I don’t think I can. I don’t just want a room mate that I get along great with. I want a lover that is as crazy about me as I am for him. And is it selfish for me to want this from him, no matter what size I am?

Is this post about being fat and trying to lose weight or is it really about trying not to lose the love of my life?

Self Confidence, where are you?



SciFi Dad said...

Honestly, it's his problem not yours. You have every right to expect his affection and his ego-boosts; he's your husband.

My wife isn't the same shape she was when we met ten years ago. Two pregnancies that both ended in c-sections have taken their toll on her body. It doesn't change the person she is.

Intimacy is about more than just looks, more than just the touch; he needs to figure that out.

Jeannie said...

I feel the same way. I put on 40 lbs - because of stress etc. My husband also does not show much interest in me and has made a few comments - thing is - he's about 100 lbs over weight! His lack of interest may also be due to his fried prostate.

I don't like being fat either. It isn't pleasant. It isn't me. I think it's starting to come off but slowly. I am too emotionally feeble right now to do any intense diet.

I have no advice for you. I just stand with you and wish that more men were a wee bit more understanding and a little less fickle.

Anonymous said...

My heart is crying for you. I'm not sure why the weight gain has happened, if it is hormonal or perhaps diabetes setting in. All you can do is your best to find out why this is happening to your body and take the steps necessary to turn it around. That alone will make you feel better, just knowing that you are doing your part in getting your health in order.

He, on the other hand, is being selfish. I hope someone will tell him that so that he can truly understand what a marriage between two people is. SUPPORT. He needs to support you.

I have gained 20 pounds over the past 2 years and it's not fun trying to take it off.

Sending good thoughts your way.


Susan said...

I'm sorry you're going through this hun. I don't think men have any idea how much women struggle in this area - especially in a culture that has a warped view of what beauty really is.
Recently I heard someone recommend the book "women, food, and god" by geneen roth. Maybe it is worth checking out.
And if I may say so - your body has brought you through so much. you are resilient, strong, and beautiful! you do not = the number on a scale! be gentle with yourself!

Anonymous said...

I am...well, stunned. I want to smack your husband and ask him why the @$#% he's so shallow.

What is wrong here is wrong with HIM, not you. Beating yourself up for something you have NO control over at present is NOT going to solve this problem. Your value as a human being is NOT defined by a number on a scale or a dress size.

I agree with what SciFi Dad says 1000%.


Buckeroomama said...

I am so sorry to read this... Whatever it is that he is going through or needs to go through, I hope he wakes up soon and realizes he needs to be a true partner to you in every way. *Hugs*

TechnoBabe said...

I know you didn't mean to but the description here left me with the impression that what your husband fell in love with was your outsides, not the beautiful woman you are on the inside. That is you, your spirit and your guts and your abundance of love. We all change on the outside here and there. I truly hope your husband is not hung up on what you look like. That would mean he is immature and selfish. You speak of him like he is a great guy. I hope he truly is.

Missy said...

Wow. You're trying to take care of yourself and it doesn't sound like your husband is supporting you. I'm with jpooh, lemme give him a whack in the head. Maybe you're not comfy in your own skin right noww, but as your mate, hubs should be there to pick you up when you're down. I'm sorry his attitude is affecting you, but DO NOT shoulder all the blame. He is so at fault for not being there for you.

Busy Bee Suz said...

I am so sorry you are going throught this Lori.
Really, it is his hangup...not yours. If the roles were reversed, how would things look?
I hope perhaps if he reads this post...this may help some.

Love to you.

Brian Miller said...

you have talked to him about this? what does he say? perhaps trying to initiate intimacy with him? i am sorry youare going through this...a lack of intimacy is a strain on marriage...acknowledge it out...

Joanna Jenkins said...

I'm with Brian Miller-- Talk it over with your husband-- and perhaps your therapist too. You two have both been though a lot this year and need each other more than ever.


Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

Oh Lori I want to smack him right after Jan does.

You are such a wonderful, beautiful person with a generous and kind soul. Look how you have taken in your step grandchildren and given your life over to their care!

Your husband needs to get his priorities straight or he takes a chance of losing you. You're a keeper.

Kit Kat said...

Lori, There are times where I ask myself the same questions. Thirty pounds is A LOT. The thing is, you are still not fat. I am still not fat. But it's hard not to feel that way when you feel like the person who is supposed to love you the most doesn't even want to look at you.
I have felt that way too often in the past year... but I know there are other factors. It may not just be how you look. It may be the lack of self confidence, the illness, or the large amount of stress that the two of you have been through lately. The thing is, it's coming out through your intimacy, or lack of, and it is extremely hard on you! He really needs to address this problem. You are so much more than a number on a scale, like susan said. You are an amazing, wonderful person! I know he knows this. But everyone else on here is right; it is his issue, and the two of you need to talk it out.
Love you!

She Writes said...

I am going to be very honest here. (BTW I thought you had stopped blogging! Glad to see you back :)!!)

I couldn't be attracted to my current boyfriend if he gained 40 pounds, nor the one before him. I am not attracted to weight. The last relationship was a man I remain crazy about, but 40 pounds would have bothered me. And it was his BRILLIANT mind I was TOTALLY attracted to--But I would never have been interested if he would have been heavy.

My ex husband stopped taking care of himself in our marriage and I felt terribly guilty I lost all my attraction for him, but I couldn't help it. Therefore, my own weight no longer mattered to me.

Don't give up on your man for this. Work on the weight. He is attracted to you and loves you. He can't help it if body weight is a visual problem for him. I think many of us do not want to admit weight is a problem in attraction, but the truth be told, it often is. I am going top tell you the truth out of nothing but good intentions. HUGS to you, Lori!! Hang in there.

gram said...

i can't believe all you have did for him and in turn he is treating you this way. it sucks. i have also put on about 15 pounds over the past year and a half, it sucks totally, right now my life isn't normal with moving and all, i will strive to loose about 15 pounds in the future, but my husband doesn't treat me like crap, your husband needs to wake up and smell the roses and realize the GREAT woman he married. YOU ARE A GREAT PERSON, don't let a little weight gain ruin your life. life is good in whatever size you wear, you take care of yourself, and remember you are a GREAT PERSON, no mater what size you are. have a great weekend Lori, Hugs to you and enjoy life!!!

Jacquelyn Stager said...

oh dear, I really hesitate to add anything to this discussion. But considering all that you have been through...and your hubby was right there helping you in so many've written about that many it just possible Lori that the weight really is not the issue? You may be convinced it IS his issue because weight is an issue with YOU...but honestly, there has been a lot more going on than your weight gain. You guys have got to be exhausted on many counts. Exhaustion alone puts a heavy damper on intimacy. Is there any way the two of you could get away, even for a weekend? (WITHOUT KIDS!) You need to just enjoy each other again as a much has gotten in the way. You might just find out it's not all about the weight afterall, but about the lack of time and energy to nurture your relationship. I hope you will consider some time out together.

Michelle said...

Another song for you...

Stella said...

I don't know what to say about this. People who have never struggled will not understand...but you and I have struggled in this area most of our lives. If you need to turn for support elsewhere for awhile, you know so many people are here for you. But that might mean very little in the face of the person who should be your biggest supporter.