In our family...

In our family....we do second chances...we do grace...we do real...we do mistakes...we do I'm sorry (and I forgive you)...we do loud really well...we do hugs...we do family...we do love.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

In The Meantime

Finding my voice has been difficult after so many months of being too tired. I learned a very long time ago, how to stifle my voice. And it’s a habit I fall in, too easily, as my survival.  Doing so, keeps the peace around me but inside, not so much.

Keeping it all hidden inside has caused me to grow stagnant and empty.   And sad and not at peace.

So it’s time to pull my voice out and stop being a chicken shit.Sharing it here, where I can hide behind the computer screen, in the privacy of my home, I can share without any one of  you seeing the shame that colors my  face.  It feel much safer.

I was so damn scared as I wrote my last post. Scared that as I let out, what has been hidden within, that it will all come out sounding really crazy or stupid. But, mostly because I fear facing the truth. 

The shame I feel almost kept me from writing it. The sick feeling the shame brings me and wanting to get rid of it, is what drove me to vomit it out on the pages of this blog

This fear and shame have got to go. How did I end up back at this place?

Thank you for your words to my last post. In answer to your questions…Yes, I have pursued him and after being rejected numerous times I have backed off.

Yes, I have talked to him about these things. I have told him how it makes me feel.

The last time, was almost 2 weeks ago. I was getting ready to go help a friend with her son’s graduation party and asked him if I looked okay. And yes, if I’m to be completely honest, I was looking for him to say I looked good…to compliment me.

His answer was that I looked pregnant. I was taken back. I didn’t expect what followed my simple question. I was hurt. He then told me that if I didn’t want to know the truth, that I shouldn’t ask him how I look…that he wasn’t one of these husbands that tells their wives they look good or beautiful when they are not…that if I wanted him to lie, he could do that.

I left home shortly after with little lady in tow.  I cried. I tried not to because of little lady being in the car but I couldn’t help it. Half ways to our destination I pulled over and called my husband. I told him how I felt. I told him everything. I know he felt badly for me. Yet, his words to comfort me were, “ I know that being fat is hard on you but I believe that eventually you will be able to lose the weight.”

We have not discussed this issue since then because all that ends up happening is that I end up feeling worse and he frustrated.

I get the feeling that he thinks by believing in me, he is supporting me. I also think that he thinks if he is accepting of me at my present weight that I won’t do anything to change it.

In asking him if he is still attracted to me, he does not answer me. What does that tell me?

The thing is, I do understand him being turned off to my weight gain and no longer being attracted to me. What I have difficulty understanding is being defined by my weight gain and not by my total package…all the things that make up me…and having him change in his behavior towards me. It went from all to nothing just like that.

Yes, I am hurt by all of this but I still think he is a good guy. Until this, we have not had any issues between us.

I know the stress of me being ill this past year and raising grandchildren and dealing with his daughter, could put strains on us. I get that. What I never imagined is that out of all the things that could come between us, that it would come down to my weight.

Was it wrong of me to assume that since I have given up my life to raise his daughters children as my own and in doing so have sacrificed time with my own children, that when I went through a time of my own need, such as a medical condition that caused me to gain weight, that I would not be left standing alone? A part from the love of my life?

To all of you that want to hit him on the head, believe me, I do too. But, really would that do any good, other then make me feel better? :) 

Many of you suggested talking to him. I don’t know what more I could say to him. I really don’t think he wants to hurt my feelings any more than he has so he will be more guarded with his honesty with me now. I don’t want him to lie to me but do I really want to hear that I look pregnant?

Maybe I really don’t want to keep talking about this because I am afraid of what the truth would reveal?

That he is superficial? That he loves me conditionally?

Before this, he called me a great wife. The only thing that has changed is that I am 40 pounds heavier. Was the thing that made me a good wife the fact that I looked good next to him? And it really had nothing to do with all that I did to support, love and encourage him? Not to mention being his best friend?

Since that last conversation I have been guarded with him. I don’t feel safe around him so I am not my open carefree self that I once was with him. I know he see’s a difference in me since our last talk.

I guess I’ve kind of left the ball in his court. He knows how I feel. He knows that I am hurting and struggling. If he wants things to be back to the way they used to be, he will have to pursue me.

I cannot make him change.  

Yes, I will keep praying for this to be resolved. I will keep working on myself, for me, not him. When I am given the go ahead from the doctors, I will work to lose the weight. I will lose this weight for my health and well being not because I will once again meet his approval and have his affections once again.

In the meantime, I cannot handle anymore rejection. I cannot keep pretending that the changes in his behavior towards me don’t affect me. I cannot keep walking around ashamed of my size in his presence. I cannot keep hiding myself from him so that he doesn’t become even more disgusted of me.

In the meantime, I stop surviving and start living again.

In the meantime, I use my voice and speak up for myself.

In the meantime, I stop hiding in the corner. 

In the meantime, I will find a way to not let his behavior darken my life and steal away my joy.

In the meantime, I will face my shame and fears.

In the meantime, I will find a way to love me, right here, right now.

In the meantime, I am good enough.

Until next time, love and hugs, Lori


Anonymous said...

Lori, he may think he's being "honest" with you, but what he's really being is cruel. But you know that. And as I read the last few lines of your post, I say "GOOD FOR YOU!!"



TechnoBabe said...

Your number one responsibility is to take care of you. You will not be able to care for the little ones if you are too ill. Mentally or physically. You won't be able to work if you are ill. I so hope you can get it inside yourself to love yourself as you are, and to like who you are, the whole person. Hugs to you.

Jeannie said...

I suppose there are men who put more emphasis on the physical attractiveness of women than others. If lean women turn his crank more than chubby ones, I don't know if he can do much about it. HOWEVER, he can admit to that without rejecting you. He could be more supportive. He could still hold you and make you feel loved even if he doesn't "desire" you as much. In return for his insensitivity, you could let him know that as disappointed as he may be in your figure - you are equally as disappointed in his inability to rise to the challenge you both have in dealing with it.
As for the neighbor's kid, he needs to learn some manners.

In an effort to avoid such jabs, you could be more specific when asking for opinions on how you look. "Does this sweater look too tight?"
I try to be honest with myself in the mirror. It is much harder to dress attractively when you are heavier. Given that I am generally disappointed in my appearance anyway, I ask others to choose which top looks best or does this top look ok - not do I look ok.

Brian Miller said...

i like your "in the meantimes"...start living, invite him along but if he does not want to come that is on him...

Anonymous said...

Take care of YOU. Be confident and do not seek self assurance from him. You know who you are and what you are worth. Never forget that.

He is a shallow man and I have nothing more to say about him..


Eternal Lizdom said...

I would suggest marriage counselling for both of you, individual for you. I would suggest turning to a pastor or finding a Stephens Ministry in your area. This isn't something you get through with certain fortitude or clinging on until your nails fall out... this is something that you reach out and get support and help and education and learning. Make part of your goals to be actively learning and working on making your health better- through medications and so on.

I can't imagine being verbally cruel to my husband but I can imagine that I've said things to him and not been aware of the consequences in his heart. Not fully understood the impact. And I think anytime one person in a marriage is going through a hard time, it impacts both people. Here I am losing weight and gaining fitness and my husband is certainly supportive but sometimes he gets a little jealous of the itme I take to workout or run; sometimes he says things or reacts a certain way where I know that he's having to adjust to change- he has to transition and we both have to compromise.

Be kind to yourself and start fighting. Get as active and proactive in the battle as you can and drag your husband along with you.

Busy Bee Suz said...

Gosh Lori, you are one of the most inspirational people I know of...those last few lines of this post just nailed it.
You are who you are. YOu will be who you will be. We can not let others define us, or make us feel one way or another.
I applaud you for going forward and seeing what is important.
No, you can't change him...there is no use trying. But you will be the best YOU there is.

MGM said...

Great to see you back. So so sorry for your struggles. I agree on some marriage counseling--but then, since I AM a counselor, I'm a bit biased, huh?

Is your husband okay with you writing about him like this on your blog?

Jacquelyn Stager said...

I know you feel like you need to get all this "out", but I wondered the same as MGM. I've written things on my blog I've lived to regret (not about my hubby, but some other significant people in my life).

I once asked my hubby if an outfit made me look "matronly" ... I don't remember his response but he didn't deny it...and I realized I had set myself up to be confirmed in what I was already thinking about myself. And it really wasn't a fair question to him. I put him between a rock and a hard place.

I'm hurting for you, Lori, I really am. But don't start going down a road you really don't want to travel. I'm praying for you and for him too. You can get through this, but it will take work, and 2-way forgiveness...

SciFi Dad said...

The way you are being treated is unacceptable. You know it; he knows it.

Debbie said...

Hi Lori...I am just catching up on all of this. My heart goes out to you. You are going through a lot of emotional stuff here. I don't think you need any more advice here...there has been plenty offered and sometimes too much advice can be confusing. All I can say is be true to who you are inside. You did not intentionally gain the weight and I am sure you will take it off when you can because you are uncomfortable with it. Most all of us that have put on weight over the years are! I know I am. I would have to agree with what Jeannie pretty much says it all. Stay strong and I would also agree to counseling if needed. You are a wonderful, loving, supportive, encouraging and sensitive human being. Hold on to that. You are NOT defined by 40 pounds of fat. Your beautiful spirit has been through a lot and it is now time to heal. Look to a higher power to get you through it...he'll never let you down....and all else will fall into place.

Anonymous said...

Oh Lori, I so understand the feelings within you surrounding this issue with your weight gain. I have been battling my own weight for many years and have allowed my physical appearance to affect my social life and my sensuality. And yes, it still bothers me. I was so busy in life that I didn't take time to be concerned about "me". When my husband made jokes about my weight and flirted with other women, I felt even worse. I strongly agree with what both Jeannie and Debbie wrote... try to focus on who you are as a person. You are a beautiful, strong woman with a heart of gold.

Thank you for visiting. I have missed your writing and I'm so far behind on reading my favorite blogs.

Sending warm hugs your way :)

Jacquelyn Stager said...

Lori, thanks so much for your email and also your comment on my blog. It makes me smile that you have happy memories of strawberry picking with your grandmother! Hope you get to take the kids...and can find a "kids friendly" farm like we did.

In thinking and praying about your situation, from a Christian perspective, our identity is not found in anyone but in Jesus Christ. He alone is the friend who will never leave or disappoint.

In case you might think anything I said is because I haven't experienced what you have, let me say that I wish I was the weight I was when I thought I was fat. *smile* I've struggled with weight for the past 30 years. I hate being the largest person in any photo. I hate what gravity has done to my body as well. I hate shopping for clothes because I have to try everything on and I expect things not to fit. I hate that I'm not committed to working on changing this. So I do know some of the struggles, at least concerning the weight issue. I guess I have learned to not let it define who I am, which is really what everyone is telling you here. When I was 115# (many years ago!) I let someone close to me make me feel insecure, unloved, unacceptable because that person treated me in similar ways to how you are being treated. Thankfully I have learned that every person will eventually fail us if we depend on them for our confidence. I still try to be the best person I can be, knowing full well that I will fall flat on my face now and then. Those are the times I let Jesus carry me, like the Footprints in the Sand picture. I don't mean to be preachy, but this is my reality and this is how I cope when I get down on myself. If I didn't have my faith to lean on, I would be so lost. I hope this might help...sending love your way...

Jason, as himself said...

Oh, Lori, I am sorry you have been having such a rough time. I don't even know what to say.

But I am glad that you are writing again. Very glad!

Hang in there.

Michelle said...

Oh Lori :-(


I've gone up three dress sizes in five years, due to my own health problems. For two years (2008-2009) I had a large hernia that literally did make me look pregnant. It's been a tough time and I truly know how bad it feels to not recognise yourself in a mirror (or fit into your favourite clothes) anymore.

I agree with Eternal Lizdom - a counsellor might be a good thing, especially since he has more problems than you do... and he's kind of denying that to himself.

I suspect your weight gain has triggered some hidden insecurities within your husband. So instead of dealing with his own demons he throws his emotions out back onto you and then calls it "honesty". If you can't get him to realise this, or talk to someone about it, then maybe you can forgive him his frailty and accept he's not going to be a mirror you can judge your self worth in. I don't think he realises his honesty is not honest at all.

Being honest is not the same as being thoughtlessly outspoken because he has an issue/problem with your weight.

But whatever the case... his problem doesn't have to become yours. Your priority needs to be nurturing and loving yourself. (((lori)))

Stella said...

Unconditional love is never too much to ask for in a marriage. And maybe you will have to keep being the example of that until he grows into it a bit better. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this on top of everything else. Yet, your complete honesty makes me completely honored to call you my dear friend.