Finding my voice has been difficult after so many months of being too tired. I learned a very long time ago, how to stifle my voice. And it’s a habit I fall in, too easily, as my survival. Doing so, keeps the peace around me but inside, not so much.
Keeping it all hidden inside has caused me to grow stagnant and empty. And sad and not at peace.
So it’s time to pull my voice out and stop being a chicken shit.Sharing it here, where I can hide behind the computer screen, in the privacy of my home, I can share without any one of you seeing the shame that colors my face. It feel much safer.
I was so damn scared as I wrote my last post. Scared that as I let out, what has been hidden within, that it will all come out sounding really crazy or stupid. But, mostly because I fear facing the truth.
The shame I feel almost kept me from writing it. The sick feeling the shame brings me and wanting to get rid of it, is what drove me to vomit it out on the pages of this blog
This fear and shame have got to go. How did I end up back at this place?
Thank you for your words to my last post. In answer to your questions…Yes, I have pursued him and after being rejected numerous times I have backed off.
Yes, I have talked to him about these things. I have told him how it makes me feel.
The last time, was almost 2 weeks ago. I was getting ready to go help a friend with her son’s graduation party and asked him if I looked okay. And yes, if I’m to be completely honest, I was looking for him to say I looked good…to compliment me.
His answer was that I looked pregnant. I was taken back. I didn’t expect what followed my simple question. I was hurt. He then told me that if I didn’t want to know the truth, that I shouldn’t ask him how I look…that he wasn’t one of these husbands that tells their wives they look good or beautiful when they are not…that if I wanted him to lie, he could do that.
I left home shortly after with little lady in tow. I cried. I tried not to because of little lady being in the car but I couldn’t help it. Half ways to our destination I pulled over and called my husband. I told him how I felt. I told him everything. I know he felt badly for me. Yet, his words to comfort me were, “ I know that being fat is hard on you but I believe that eventually you will be able to lose the weight.”
We have not discussed this issue since then because all that ends up happening is that I end up feeling worse and he frustrated.
I get the feeling that he thinks by believing in me, he is supporting me. I also think that he thinks if he is accepting of me at my present weight that I won’t do anything to change it.
In asking him if he is still attracted to me, he does not answer me. What does that tell me?
The thing is, I do understand him being turned off to my weight gain and no longer being attracted to me. What I have difficulty understanding is being defined by my weight gain and not by my total package…all the things that make up me…and having him change in his behavior towards me. It went from all to nothing just like that.
Yes, I am hurt by all of this but I still think he is a good guy. Until this, we have not had any issues between us.
I know the stress of me being ill this past year and raising grandchildren and dealing with his daughter, could put strains on us. I get that. What I never imagined is that out of all the things that could come between us, that it would come down to my weight.
Was it wrong of me to assume that since I have given up my life to raise his daughters children as my own and in doing so have sacrificed time with my own children, that when I went through a time of my own need, such as a medical condition that caused me to gain weight, that I would not be left standing alone? A part from the love of my life?
To all of you that want to hit him on the head, believe me, I do too. But, really would that do any good, other then make me feel better? :)
Many of you suggested talking to him. I don’t know what more I could say to him. I really don’t think he wants to hurt my feelings any more than he has so he will be more guarded with his honesty with me now. I don’t want him to lie to me but do I really want to hear that I look pregnant?
Maybe I really don’t want to keep talking about this because I am afraid of what the truth would reveal?
That he is superficial? That he loves me conditionally?
Before this, he called me a great wife. The only thing that has changed is that I am 40 pounds heavier. Was the thing that made me a good wife the fact that I looked good next to him? And it really had nothing to do with all that I did to support, love and encourage him? Not to mention being his best friend?
Since that last conversation I have been guarded with him. I don’t feel safe around him so I am not my open carefree self that I once was with him. I know he see’s a difference in me since our last talk.
I guess I’ve kind of left the ball in his court. He knows how I feel. He knows that I am hurting and struggling. If he wants things to be back to the way they used to be, he will have to pursue me.
I cannot make him change.
Yes, I will keep praying for this to be resolved. I will keep working on myself, for me, not him. When I am given the go ahead from the doctors, I will work to lose the weight. I will lose this weight for my health and well being not because I will once again meet his approval and have his affections once again.
In the meantime, I cannot handle anymore rejection. I cannot keep pretending that the changes in his behavior towards me don’t affect me. I cannot keep walking around ashamed of my size in his presence. I cannot keep hiding myself from him so that he doesn’t become even more disgusted of me.
In the meantime, I stop surviving and start living again.
In the meantime, I use my voice and speak up for myself.
In the meantime, I stop hiding in the corner.
In the meantime, I will find a way to not let his behavior darken my life and steal away my joy.
In the meantime, I will face my shame and fears.
In the meantime, I will find a way to love me, right here, right now.
In the meantime, I am good enough.
Until next time, love and hugs, Lori