For the most part, I am a glass half full kind of person. I tend to be more positive then negative. Most of the time I see the many blessings that surround me. I tend to focus on the good in people and not their flaws. Mostly, I am an optimistic person. I am usually a pretty nice person. With all that said, the depraved part of my humanness... the part that says, "I have had enough"..."No, I don't want to be doing this right now"..."Would everyone please shut the f*** up"..."leave me the hell alone"..."I'm done, I quit"....still likes to come out and play once in awhile...sometime more often then I would like it to.
Right now, it's knocking on my door...quite loudly I might add...and I am trying with everything that is in me to ignore it and pretend it's not there. I don't feel positive and I don't feel nice right now...nope I'm just not feelin it and honestly I don't care either. This has been the kind of morning that I just want to hide under a rock...a quiet rock. Life with a 3 year old little boy and an almost 2 year old little girl can get pretty monotonous to say the least. Life is loud here at my house...with 7 people what can I expect? Life just doesn't STOP because you've had enough.
The endless talking and questions, the screaming,whining, tattling and fighting with each other, diapers...ah yes, the potty training that needs to happen SOON but you try to explain that to a 3 year old that just doesn't give a sh** about sitting in his own sh**...the endless "oweys" that need to be kissed in order for life to go on...take this morning for example, little man hurts his butt somehow, runs to me crying saying "kiss my butt mommy" and I say "you know I don't kiss butts" and kiss my hand and touch his butt, which sends him even more over the edge and screaming "I need you to kiss my butt with your lips to make it better mommy" over and over again...dear lord it's only 7:15 in the morning...I tell him to get a grip and shut myself in the bathroom to which he screams from the other side of the door " I don't want a grip mommy I want you"...I actually told him that I wasn't coming out of the bathroom (yeah right)until he stopped acting rediculous and instantly he stopped...I open the door and there he is smiling at me like NON of this happened and he says " I'm done acting rediculous mommy"....yeah, that didn't happen...I put him in his bed for a time out rest by 8:30....and little lady in her room to play soon after.
Since it's a holiday there is no school so of course I don't work so we get to stay home...lucky me...for the most part it's great to have an extra day to do things around here but have you ever tried to accomplish things with little ones? Today I almost feel inmobilized.
Honestly, I have a lot on my plate right now besides trying to be a good mommy...my sons graduation party to get ready for, not to mention the heaviness of my heart over his moving far away and preparing my heart to let go...my pain levels have been high and I am meeting with my lawyer this week to go over my case with her and hopefully get some answers so I can put this part of my life to rest once and for all...I really, really miss my 2 daughters and granddaughter that live in different states...our legal issues in the custody battle with my step daughter...we still are waiting on papers that need to be signed by her and if they aren't signed soon, we are headed for a long, expensive court battle which only complicates our relationship with her even more so and always in the back of my head are the thoughts of her new baby coming this fall...these are painful issues for me and I struggle with how to handle it all....this is not all but you get the point that there is enough on my plate.
I am not looking for people to feel sorry for me and I'm not saying I have it so bad or worse then the next person...I'm just saying I'm not a pretty sight this morning. I want normal. I want resolution to the open ended legal issues. I want to know that we can continue to protect these two little children as long as we need to....I HATE walking on egg shells with her...I HATE my pain and HATE that I will have it for the rest of my life....I HATE that it affects me the way it does...I HATE that my son is moving away from me. I am a person that doesn't like the word hate...in fact I have always made my children use the word dislike in place of hate when ever they would say something like "I hate this." and I would make them rephrase it to "I dislike this." I have tried to be an example of this and not use this in my vocabulary myself. So, here I am using that word today. Whenever I have caught myself using the word hate and other less appealing words, I usually realize that it is because I am having a stinky attitude. Today my attitude sucks and honestly I don't care.