Letting Go

My mother heart is aching...for the children I have already let go of...that have moved on to their own journeys and for the one that is preparing to leave me...I have been working on letting go of him...preparing my own self to let go when all I want to do is hang on to him for dear life. I know I can't do this...I won't do this...BUT, I want to....just like I wanted to hang on to my other four children when their time came to leave. When they come home from their far away homes, part of me still to this day, wants to hang on to them.

In a short time he will be graduating from high school...my baby...who has grown into such a fine young man that I am so proud of. This is his last week of school...today I wrote the last check for school lunches that I will ever write (and yes, I am well aware with raising the two little ones I could be doing this again, but it is not the same. We all know that people can't be replaced.)...last night went to his senior honors program...the end is in near sight. As I watched him drive away for school this morning, it hit me that in less then a month I will watch him drive away for the last time as he leaves to move across the country to live and go to college...far away from me.

This is killing my heart. Memories of him...his life fill my mind as I write this. I really wasn't suppose to have any more children and had even been on birth control to prevent this from happening, when he came to be...I know God must have wanted me to have him because even the doctor could not believe I had conceived. Since I get horribly sick through out my entire pregnancys and it was medically not recommended that I have any more children, there was concern by both the doctors and myself of what was to come, I was scared to death. I remember like it was yesterday, standing out in the clinic waiting room, crying while a good friend hugged me and told me that it was going to be okay and that God would take care of us. And yes, it was a touch pregancy with 10 days in the hospital for the sickness and periods of being on bed rest and yes, I was sick until the day I gave birth to this 10 pound baby boy...who by the way took his good ole time by coming 2 weeks late. God did take care of him and me...God did have a plan for his life to be in this world....and it's been a wonderful life. Now here he is almost 19 years later....preparing for a new journey...a journey of his own.