I love you to the moon and back!

I "Should"

There are so many things I "should" be doing right now instead of this...reading blogs and writing in my own blog but right now at this moment I don't care.

I "should" be cleaning my house...after having my daughter and her boyfriend here for the last week, along with a lot of company that came to stay and see them, my house needs to be put back together.

I "should" be working harder on the piles of laundry before it gets out of hand.

I "should" be compiling a list for the grocery store so I can actually make some meals, which leads to I "should" be going grocery shopping in the near future...which only leads to I "should" cook a decent meal...which leads to I "should" eat something and that something "should" be at least half ways healthy.

I "should" be doing some sort of activity, (like taking them outside on such a beautiful day) with the 3 little people that are running free through out the house, making quite the mess with their toys in every room...while chasing each other, screaming and laughing and probably wondering why I am not seeming to care. Which only leads to I "should" be helping them pick up all these damn toys before it gets out of hand.

I "should" be thinking of a project to do with the kids I take care of at work later today. I "should" be excited to go to work since I have missed work for the last week but I'm not.

I "should" be planning to get some exercise while the 3 little people nap because I know I not only need it but it would probably help me to feel better.

I "should" be on the phone making calls to the lawyers for our custody case and for my injury case to see what is going on and to keep things moving forward.

I think about all these things I "should" be doing..."should" be caring about but I just don't care. I "should" be figuring out how to get "me" back and doing what I need to do to feel better. All I want to do is hide under a blanket, with my loud fan blowing so I don't hear all the noise in this house and just sleep...and forget about all the things I "should" be doing. I want peace and quiet and everything to just STOP. I really "should" do something about this.

Last Moments

This is one of my last moments with my daughter before she left this afternoon. Each moment I have with her is precious and believe me when I say I just wanted to hang onto her. I miss her with all my heart already.

The other picture is of my daughter and her boyfriend just before they left. My home feels empty without them here. My little people are already looking for them around the house and asking where they are. I hate this...I will get over this but for now it feels like hell.

In a few short days we will be going through this all over again as we take the little guy(youngest grandson)to live with his mom(my youngest daughter)in another state. She moved a few weeks ago to start her new job and get settled and let him stay here with us, which allowed my daughter that was here for a visit to spend a week with him. The time has come to let him go...he and my daughter moved in with us when he was just a couple of weeks old...he is now 16 months old and we have grown pretty attached to the little guy. They need to have their own home...their own lives...and this is something that needs to happen, although I wish it wasn't so far away. These last moments with him will go fast...

Falling Apart

Having my daughter and her boyfriend here has been wonderful to say the least. She is beyond amazing in so many ways and her boyfriend is equally so. Being her mother is such an honor just as it is with my other children. They treat me so amazingly that it touches my soul in profound ways. They know me better than anyone else does...while I can pretend and put on the air of everything being just fine for the world, they have a way of seeing through me...of seeing the truth.

I have said here that I am struggling and am nearing burnout. This is an understatement. In reality, I am falling apart...I am losing it and as hard as I have been trying to be strong and keep it together, I am not keeping it together. I am beyond exhausted and don't know how to stop it. I thought I had been doing a good job of hiding my pain until this past Friday. I finally got the chance last Friday to take my daughter out for lunch and have some one on one time with her. This is when she confronted me about her concerns and the fact of how worried she is about me. She is my insightful daughter that is wise beyond her years. This hurts. Not the fact that she confronted me but the fact that she has to worry about me when I have been trying so damn hard to have this be a fun time for her to be home, not one in which she is burdened with worry about me.

Come to find out, pretty much everyone is worried about me. How did I not know this?They see everything I am dealing with and how it is affecting me. They see how much I have to give out every day and wonder how I can keep on giving out. I wonder this to. They see and it's not like they don't want to help me, they just don't know what to do to help. They see that I have become more and more isolated and shut off from the world...that I don't talk about these things and they wish I did. I hate that people are seeing because I hate being a burden to anyone...least of all my children. I have been living each day, with the will to be strong, to just get through this, with the thought everything is going to be fine eventually.

Somewhere along this journey I have lost myself and I don't know how to get "me" back. My life has been drained out of me and I don't know how to get it back. I am so tired at this point that I am starting to not care. I am so exhausted that I can't hardly sleep and when I do, the nightmares come. I have so much to live for...so much to be happy about that I am angry at myself for not being stronger, not doing better at keeping it together.

My pain levels are high and out of control again so I see everything through the lens of pain, and this is not pretty. I am still waiting on work comp for approval for a pain program to help me with this. I fight this pain and I fight what it does to me. Knowing that it will always be with me is depressing and sometimes scares me. Scares me because of what it does to me and those around me.

I am fighting with all that is in me to just get through today...just thinking about tomorrow makes me more tired but I have to because somehow I have to get off this downward spiral that I am on...I have to figure out how to make this roller coaster come to a stop...it's hard because so many of these things are out of my control...they just are...and somehow I have just got to accept them for what they are.

Tomorrow my daughter and her boyfriend will be leaving and that will be hard. Having to let go of someone that you just want to hang on to because it's the best and right thing to do is so damn hard. This time with her went so fast and every moment was precious. In the past year that we have been apart, she has continued to grow into such a fine, beautiful woman. I have never seen her look so good nor look so happy. This makes me incredibly happy. I will do the right thing and let her go happily back to the place she has made for herself in this world.

I keep telling myself that this is just a season in my life...that I will find myself again...that some day I won't be this tired anymore. But, for now my dear Internet friends, this is where I'm at. As much as I love writing and know how it helps me, some days I am too tired to write anything. As much as I love reading what you have to say, some days I am too tired to read or comment, so if you don't hear from me please know that it's not because I don't want to visit your place...it's just that I can't...my life has been drained out of me and I am trying with all that is in me to get it back.

I HATE shopping

I have never been a shopper and it has only gotten worse as I have gotten older. I hate shopping. I go grocery shopping and shopping for essentials like shampoo and laundry soap when I have to but I put it off for as long as possible in hopes that my husband will go instead.

The only shopping I don't mind doing are going to second hand stores and to garage sales. I buy most of mine and the kids clothes this way. I do this for financial reasons but also because I love the challenge of finding great clothes for little money. Rarely do I buy myself new clothes, shoes or jewelery. Keep in mind that my husband has no problem with me buying new stuff for myself, in fact I think he would like it if I did...but I don't because that would mean walking into a mall...it would mean shopping.

For the most part, the clothes I have, work for me. I am a jeans and t-shirt or tank top kind of gal. My life does not require me to dress up although I actually don't mind it. I just don't have occasions to dress up for. Unless someone is getting married or has died, the clothes I have are fine. We have a wedding this weekend...I have known about it for months...I knew I needed to go shopping for something to wear and put it off and put it off...until yesterday...my daughter drug me to the mall. Oh the dread. Oh the pain of going...shopping and trying on clothes.

I can honestly say that I hate shopping even worse after yesterday. It was horrible. It took me many hours before I found something half ways decent to wear. Now, my daughters love shopping...their good at it. I am not. It doesn't help that I struggle with body image issues and have been worse since going through menopause. I know that I am not the easiest person to shop with. To be perfectly honest I know that I tend to be picky about what I am willing to wear. But, even my daughter that loves shopping had a hard time with the clothes out there.

There are A LOT of ugly clothes out there...there was not a lot to pick from and let me tell you, we went to A LOT of stores. The thing is the dresses were either short and slutty or for an elderly grandma. Although I am a grandma and yes I am getting older, I refuse to wear anything of the sort. I didn't get a dress. After many hours of this torture, I was ready to come home with nothing. My daughter would not hear of that, so I settled for a pair of slacks and a somewhat cute top. My poor daughter was exhausted from trying to dress her mom.

It is going to take me days to recover from this shopping experience. I would rather milk cows, pick rocks, clean my entire house, then do that day over again. I kid you not. My daughter now thinks I need therapy but that's a whole 'nother topic for another day!

An interruption of the BEST kind!

Right now, at this very moment, my middle child, whom also is my middle daughter, along with her boyfriend, and their dog Ida, are on their long drive home to me! It is about a 20 hour drive with quick stops and if everything goes well they should be here at around 9 tonight! They have not been home since May of last year. They will be home until next Tuesday! I can hardly wait to hug her and see her smiling face...and her boyfriend too of course!

She is an amazing young woman and she found herself an equally amazing young man. She is my miracle child...born 8 weeks early and not breathing...they did not think she would live...ultrasounds told my doctors that she was a boy so that is what I had been planning for...what a surprise we got, when out came a girl!

She had liver and lung problems...had to be on a apnea and heart monitor for her first year of life...she had a hard time gaining weight...she didn't talk much until she was close to 4 years old...then we couldn't get her to be quiet of course. There were times that the doctors didn't give me much hope of having a normal, healthy daughter. My girl was and still is a fighter. My daughter defied all the odds against her...you have to remember 25 years ago they didn't have the technology that they do now. Even though school was hard for her in some aspects she worked hard and played sports through out high school and then went to college and graduated from the University of Minnesota. Now she works at a behavioral health center for adolescence.

She is a beautiful young woman with an equally beautiful heart. She is kind, passionate,giving and wants to do so many things to make this world a better place. I cannot imagine what my life would have been like the last 25 years without her...she has made me a better person and taught me so many things about life and love and being true to myself. She is what I like to call authentic. I wish that you could meet her because I know you would see what I see. Her boyfriend is equally amazing and you would like him too...and honestly, if I could pick someone for her, it would be him, but today this is just about my girl.

The beauty of our relationship is that I am not just her mom, she is not just my child, we are friends. Even if we were not related I would still like/love her and want to be her friend. Having her so far away is hard...I am in a constant state of missing her. Getting to finally touch her, hug her, kiss her, look at her, have fun with her, laugh with her, talk with her face to face is everything to me. I want every moment I have with her to be imprinted in my mind so that I have it to hang on to when she leaves again. I wish for time to slow down this week...wish it could actually stop...I want to just take it all in. I know there will be changes in her...good things, beautiful things...I know that her beauty will have matured and no matter how many pictures I have seen of her this last year, they will not have done her justice. She will be here soon...I can hardly wait! Can you tell?

And the winner is!

Michelle from


honored me with this award! Thank you Michelle! She is so honest, keeps it real and is very funny. You really should go check her out. This award was started by Crystal at Memoirs of a Mommy in honor of her son Noah, who because of an organ transplant is alive today. She has an amazing story and I would recommend visiting her blog.

The rules of this award are: When you receive this award, you share the love award with as many other blogs that you would like...also include a link back to me
and a link to the origin of this love award. The rest is up to you.

Now it's my turn to pass on this lovely award. This really is hard for me because there are a lot of great blogs that I visit.

The first person I give this award to is Cheryl of Grandma's Grumbles
She doesn't get to post often because she is always working. She is an amazing hard working woman that would give the shirt off her back, has a great big heart and is a wonderful mom and grandma! She was my first blogging friend.

I would also like to pass this award to Beth of Blind as a Bat
She is such a wonderful person with a great big heart and lots of love for everyone.
She has a gorgeous family and is very funny!

I would also like to pass this award to Haley-O of Cheaty Monkey
She writes a great blog and I love her honesty and realness. She is very creative and has interesting things on her blog...like a section on cooking in the kitchen. She is learning about healthy eating and living and shares what she is learning.

The next person I give this award to his Sugar of Living in Theory
She writes a great blog that is honest and heart warming. She has overcome some tough obstacles in her life and shares openly about them. She is a woman of courage and grace that I think many people will benefit from.

Last but not least I give this award to the Worlds Greatest Mommy
She is an amazing mother of 5 little ones! She writes an honest and humorous blog about her daily life with 5 little children.

I would highly recommend visiting their blogs and giving them a hello. Once again, thank you to Michelle from Mommy Confessions for making my day...no, seriously, it is an honor. Since I am new to this blogging community, I still have a lot to learn but I am having lots of fun learning! I hope that I did this right...it took me all morning to figure out how to do the links...my fingers and toes are all crossed that this comes out like it's suppose to!

Giving out some blog love

I wish this were the post that says I am feeling so much better. I'm not. I am still quite exhausted and drained but I am still here and I guess that's a good thing. Instead this is a post to say thank you...thank you...thank you! Thank you for listening and understanding and for caring and for your encouraging support. It means a hell of a lot to me that someone listened. Even though no one can fix how I feel, it makes me feel a whole lot less alone.

With that said, I also want to mention that I love reading your blogs and the many others that I try to visit each day as time warrants. I don't always get a chance to comment because that is way too hard with one or two children on my lap. I picture your blog, like it's your house and when I visit your blog it's like I am visiting your house. I get to visit you without having to pack up 3 kids and put them in their car seats. Reading blogs puts me in contact with other human beings and helps keep me sane. There are a lot of amazing blogs out there...some of my favorite blogs are those with very few readers or commenter's and although I occasionally read some of the "big" name blogs, honestly none of them are my favorites to read. Dare I say, that I don't think the best writers are those that are well known? I'm not saying that their not good writers...I'm just saying it's my opinion that there are some brilliant writers out there and not all of them are well known.

Some blogs make me laugh...some make me cry...some are very deep and make me think...some are informative and I learn something new...some just make me feel "normal" because they are so open, honest and real about day to day life. In the short time that I have been blogging and reading blogs I have come to realize that everyone blogs for different reasons and purposes. For whatever reasons people blog, two things stands out to me and that is we like to write and we all have the need to be listened to.

Anyways...I just want to send out some blog love to all of you that make my days bearable and keep me sane...for making me smile and laugh and think and yes, sometimes cry. Thank you for sharing your life with me. I think your great!

Reaching burnout

I am tired...no, I'm exhausted. Plain and simple I am feeling burnt out. Going through all these changes in my life have drained me. I feel empty. I am sad.

I am still learning the art of letting go of my children as they have all now reached the ages of moving away and starting their own lives and still getting used to them being gone. Four of my five children,now live out of state and two of my four grandchildren now live out of state. I am still sad. I am in a constant state of missing them.

My family of origin is going through some issues. Old issues...painful things are getting brought back up for discussion...things that I forgave many years ago...things I have worked my ass off letting go of and changing my life so I could break the chains. This breaks my heart. I just want there to be peace and to see everyone moving forwards not backwards. It pains me greatly to see people I love so much in turmoil.

I am still trying to adjust to being a mommy again to my two grandchildren that we are raising and anyone with young children knows that it is an endless job. I've done this before and I know what it takes to raise good kids to be good people. It takes work...a lot of work. Since my husband is gone for most of their waking hours, most of their care falls upon me. Even though I know he has to work, it gets hard doing all the dirty work alone and sometimes this doesn't feel fair. When my step daughter could not get her life together enough to be a mom, we agree to take them until she got her life together in another state. At the time, we thought 6 months at the most. That was a year and a half ago and here we are, still doing what she is suppose to be doing. She has done nothing to get her life together except make it worse by getting pregnant again.

You see the thing is as tired and exhausted I get from raising a 3 and soon to be 2 year old, I can't imagine our lives without them. Without a doubt they have bonded with us as we have with them. They really are happy children and those that have witnessed our journey through all of this would attest to this fact. Through out this time of having them in our care we have become mommy and daddy to them.

Yes, there is stress in raising children but that stress is nothing compared to the stress their mother give us. It is complete insanity. To put it bluntly, she sucks the f***ing life out of me. To continue providing this happy stable loving home...to protect these little people, means we have to go through a court battle against their mother. Going to court to fight your own child because she cannot see beyond herself is heart breaking to say the least. The thought of dragging these little ones through a court battle breaks my heart more. Not to mention the financial burden this adds to our lives.

All we want is for her to get her damn life together so she can parent her own children before it's too late. It is becoming a reality that she may never do this. At what point does it become detrimental to the kids continued healthy development to take them from this home...basically the only one they have known? The longer we have them, the harder it will be to let them go. As much as I would love my old life back, I fear the day that I would have to hand them back over to her.

Because of her leaving, the three year old is scared of us leaving him too. We deal with this every day. Since I work at a job that allows me to bring them with me to work, I am with them 24/7. This is good for giving them the security that they need but it also means I never ever get a break. When I do leave them for short periods there are a lot of tears and reassurances that I will always come back and would never leave them. I hope one of these days it will sink in and no longer be a fear.

There is also my job to consider here. I love children but right now I am losing my drive and passion to be in the childcare business. It is a draining job, not just because of all the children I care for, but because of their needy parents. I am a mother figure to many of these young moms...they depend on me for more than just caring for their kids. I am thinking I am going to change jobs eventually but right now this is not an option. So for right now I am kind of stuck.

Out in public, people assume that they are my children. Especially since, they call me mommy most of the time. The three year old is half black and the almost two year old is a very fair skinned, blondie...so it is obvious that there are two separate fathers. People look at me with disdain and judgement...I know what they are thinking. Not just because of the dirty looks they give me but because of little comments made. When my husband is with us, it doesn't happen so much. I hate this but it's something I can deal with. What I have a hard time with is how my three year old gets treated for being black, since we live in a predominately rural white community. He is a friendly little boy and he will talk to pretty much everyone...many people will fricken ignore him and then turn around and acknowledge his almost 2 year old sister...right in front of me. He doesn't get it but some day he will. I want to protect him from their ignorance.

People are not always nice. People judge us. People can say really mean things...really stupid things. People don't always understand. Even though I have some good friends that have been supportive none of these people have little ones anymore...they have their freedom while I am now tied down once again. I feel like I don't fit in anywhere. It seems like I am becoming more and more isolated but I don't know how to stop it. I am lonely and starving for adult conversation...maybe that's why I love reading blogs so much. I am much older than other mommies with young children. I am younger than most grandma's are. I don't get to be the fun grandma like most grandma's. Where and how do I find my place?

You see, these are all the things I am trying to figure out so that I can stop from burning out. Maybe I am having a hard time right now because my physical pain is high right now...it seems when I am in worse pain, then I see things through a different lense. Does this sound like an excuse? Maybe I am looking for someone to understand...to listen and not preach or judge or even fix it. Maybe I just want someone to understand what it means to miss your children so much that your heart actually hurts yet for them to understand that you are still happy for your child's journey...that it's just hard letting them go so far away. Maybe I just want someone to understand that even though I love these little one with all my heart that I sometimes want my old life back.

I fear to speak my thoughts out loud at risk of sounding like I am looking for sympathy, of being judged unmerciful, or worse, of having no one listen. I can dump these thoughts...these things that are hurting my soul here in this blog because I know that very few people, if any, read it. I started this blog to record my journey of having my life interrupted. I leave these thought here and hope that just maybe one person hears me and understands.

We should NEVER leave the house

Leaving home with three little people is not an easy task. Hell, just being at home with three little people is no easy task either, but it's much easier for all of us..especially me and my hubby. All three of them are so much happier and easier to deal with when they have have their schedule for naps, eating and playing...all at home, in their own beds, places to sit for mealtimes, and all the other stuff needed to get through our days and nights.

This summer, my hubby and I have sucked it up on a few weekends and ventured out with all three little people in tow. Packing for little people is hard for me because I always feel like I am either not bringing enough of something or too much of something else...or forgetting something. It's easy to pack for myself since I don't own that many clothes, I don't have much to pick from. It's the same for my hubby. By the time we have everything packed and loaded in the van, of course this is usually with the help of three little people, and finally have them in their car seats, the two of us look at each other, like what in the hell are we thinking!

Of course at first the little people are excited about where we are going...for all of about 10 minutes, when they realize they are stuck in one place and are not getting to where we are going in five minutes. We usually try to time it for them to either have just napped so they are at their happiest or when they are ready for a nap, so that just maybe they will sleep and we can actually drive in silence. This does not always work...hell it only works about 30% of the time. The rest of the time, we have a loud car ride, with at least one unhappy child, if not three. Little man that is 3 years old NEVER stops talking unless he falls asleep. At some point, one of us will declare that we truly are crazy and that just maybe we should turn around and go back before it's too late...but we don't.

This past weekend was one of these weekends. We didn't go very far...only an hour away but it felt like ten. We started out with freshly napped, fed and clean children who were more than happy to get in the van and go bye-bye. By the time we got to our destination, not so much.

We went to a 85th birthday party for my aunt, where I grew up and I was excited to see relatives I hadn't seen in a long time. They were just excited to get out of the van. Taking three little people to a party is interesting and of course everyone is excited to see them. Over all, it went well until someone I didn't know, tapped me on my shoulder and said "one of your little children just took off his diaper and there is poop all over." Good lord! Sure enough my 1 year old grandson, somehow had managed to get his diaper off in spite of having a one piece sun suit on, without even unsnapping the snaps! What a mess and how embarrassing. There was a little play area with toys that he was playing in and I had just checked on him. While my husband cleaned up inside, I hauled him out to the back of the van and had to give him a bath with baby wipes. Thank God I pack lots of changes of clothes. People at the party of course thought this was quite funny. But me, not so much.

From there we went to our next destination, which was my sisters house for a family party, which was only another 15 minutes. Even though the little people were good, they were into everything and this people is not relaxing for me. At home the three of them are in bed at around 7...sometime a little earlier, sometimes a little later, depending on the need that day but for the most part we stick to 7. This is when my hubby and I get to relax or I should say collapse. It took until 11 to get them to finally sleep...ugg. Believe me when I say, I wanted to go home way before then, but we didn't. We were crazy, and stuck it out.

We got home yesterday at around 4:30, with three very crabby little people. After unloading and putting everything away...if we didn't they would be digging in it, feeding them a bowl of cereal, giving them a bath, and then a video of none other then Dora, they were in bed at 6:30. Can I hear a sigh of relief? Finally peace and quiet...my hubby and I both collapsed...the words "this is why I don't like leaving the house"..."why do we do this?"..."we must be crazy"..."we are way too old for this"..."never again" are uttered and then more beautiful silence and then a smile because we know we will. Yep, we are crazy.

Bracing for goodbye

I am bracing myself for my daughters departure early tomorrow morning...the dreaded goodbye. Her car is already packed up and today she will work all day and evening. I know that I will see her again when I bring her son to her the first weekend in August. Keeping her 1 year old son for a couple of weeks will not only help her get settled without him getting into everything, but it will allow my other daughter, his auntie, to see him when she comes home for a visit in 11 days.(I am counting down the days since I haven't seen her in over a year.) She hasn't seen him since he was a month old so she is looking forward to spending some time with her nephew. Plus I get to spend these extra days with him before he is gone for good.

I hate goodbyes...especially with my children and grandchildren. I really am happy for her and her new adventure. I don't have a doubt that she will meet people and develop friends quickly because that is who she is. In her field of work, which is working with mentally disabled people, she has met some wonderful giving people. Since she has worked in this line of work she has grown as a person and I have seen her heart grow even more. She is going to be working in a home with high functioning teenagers which I think she will do great at and the fact that she is younger and closer to their age, will help her relate to them and them to her.

Spending all day alone with a 1, an almost 2, and a 3 year old can get long and monotonous...and very noisy to say the least. As much as I would love to crawl into my bed and pull the covers over my head and sleep these feelings away, I can't. I have 3 little people that want or I should say demand my attention CONSTANTLY. To get a little break right now I have banned them to their rooms to play with all those damn toys they have...I can hear the toys being dumped out and know without a doubt the mess we will be cleaning up eventually. Such is life around here...on the bright side they will keep my mind off my aching heart...at least a little bit!

Another interruption to let go

This big love fest I've been having has been interrupted with yet another reality of life. Another child of mine is moving out of state. She is my youngest daughter and at 21, this is not the first time to let her go. I let her go 3 years ago when she left for college but at least that was in the same state. She moved back home, April of 2007, after giving birth to her son. The father of her son, had decided in the middle of her pregnancy that he didn't love her and wanted to be with someone else. The last 15 months have been a time of healing and repair for her. She has worked hard to get on her feet and for that I am proud. Now that she has healed, she is ready to take on the world again, without my help. She is ready to leave the nest and make her own place in the world. Her wings have healed and she is ready to fly. I have to let her go.

Her sons father lives in another state and for the last year my grandson has went there for a week or so every month. It's been very hard on her to have him so far away every month and because my grandsons dad really is a good dad, she wants him to be able to see him on a more frequent basis. She is over this guy and yes, he is still with the girl he left her for and yes, she has come to terms with this. A month ago, she found a job in the same city that he lives in, which she starts next week. Today, she will pack up everything she can fit in her car and then the rest will get moved in a week or so. Tomorrow is her last day of work here and then she leaves on Saturday. I will be keeping her son for the next couple of weeks while she gets settled. We will bring him to her the first weekend in August and then I too, will have to let my precious grandson go.

This time I have had with them has been precious. Getting to watch my grandson grow up has been a blessing. Watching her heal and grow as a young woman has been good. She has her confidence back and she is ready to take on the world. Now the time has come for me to let go of them. This is hard for so many reasons but in reality this is a good thing. I am happy for her...for them...to be living in their own home...for her to be independent and following her own dreams and goals for life. I am glad to see her so happy and excited. I would never tell her not to go. I will not make her feel guilty for moving so far away. She is doing what I raised her to do. I will support her no matter how sad I am to have them so far away...this is what I have to do as her parent and her friend.

Love interruptions

I need you, but more, I love you.
With all of my being, with all that I am, I love you.
I thank God for the perfect gift of you, not that I possess you, though I'd like to.
I'd like to keep you all to myself, but, it's in sharing you with others that I see the fullness of your beauty.
I do not control your life, or death, nor would it be right to try.
Your independence and wholeness as a person, is what makes you so complete.
It is in being complete and whole myself, that I am able to come to you in total awe and appreciation of who you are.
It is why I can dare to be myself with you...to play, love and laugh like a child...to grow in this forever changing world, without fear.
With you, my heart says' "it is finished".

I need you, but more, I love you.
I need...your hand to fill mine with warmth...
your life to bring light to the darkest hours...
your shoulder on which I can rest my head upon...
your touch that sooths my soul...and says' "I understand and you are not alone".
I need the way you look into my eyes and talk to me without ever moving your lips.
I need your strength...your courage...to know that your always going to be here, by my side.

I need you, but more, I love you.
I want to be free, yet have the presence of you close to me, always.
I not only want your love, but it would be a gift if you were my friend.
It is you who I want to live with, to die for...it's with you that I want to live with forever.
My heart says it's found it's home with you and it's there to stay.

I need you, but more, I love you.
And again, I thank God for your presence...for every day we exist together...for every day you toss and turn my heart.

Happy Anniversary to my dear husband...I know we will have many more to celebrate.

There is life after divorce

Two years ago tomorrow I married my best friend...the man I had waited my whole life for. I knew from the start that he was "it". I was married two times before this. Yes, the ugly "D" word. Twice. The first time I got married was because I was pregnant and I knew without a doubt that it was wrong. The second time was to have a father for my children and I knew in my heart that it too was wrong. Marriages that start out for the wrong reasons usually end...and they end not very well. It's not like I didn't try. I gave it everything I had, plus more. I stayed both times way longer than I should have...all in the name of avoiding the big "D". I thought I was protecting my children, when really they were even more miserable then I was.

The thing is, I had never taken care of myself or looked at what was in my best interest. Ever. Life has a way of bringing you through things over and over again until you "get it". I needed to learn the lesson of loving myself and loving myself alone...getting to know "me" without being in a relationship. I expected guys to "fix" all the crap that was inside of me. That wasn't fair to them or to me. So, I stopped. I stopped and was just alone with myself...and I learned to love myself. At times I was miserable...very lonely...and then ever so slowly I began to evolve...for the first time ever, I was alone and happy. I was single 6 years before I met my husband. I never planned on getting married again...I wasn't even looking for him and then there he was in front of me...and I knew...we both knew, this was "it".

I cannot imagine my life without him. These last two years have been amazing. It seems like he has always been here with me. He has been so great to my kids and they love him. Three weeks after we got married we started on the roller coaster ride of becoming parents to our 2 grandchildren. This was not part of our plans. Yes, we have been through some tough things these last 2 years and honestly, we are going through more now as I write this...but these things have only made us stronger...we are a team that can not be broken.

I sit here in the quietness of my home and reflect on all of this...where I have been and how far I have come. How much of a gift he is to me...every day. How excited I was two years ago because I was marrying this great man...how excited I am still today that this great man is mine.

Meanness will NOT win

There is nothing like getting kicked when I'm already down. If you have read any of my previous posts, then you know I have been going through some touch times lately. Someone I love and care for has been the cause of much hurt and heart ache in my life. I have taken my share of sucker punches in my past but when it comes from someone I love, it seems to sting a little bit more. This time it has knocked me to the ground.

When someone you love makes choices to hurt themselves, it is hard enough to handle...I have to continuously let go...but when those choices affect the children involved, it is another story. I have given up the last 2 years of my life...changed it completely to protect and love. This is a choice I made willingly and a choice I do NOT regret. I just did not know that this person would intentionally hurt me in the process...and continuously so. I thought in time it would get better...easier to handle...it's not.

I do not understand meanness...intentional meanness for no reason whatsoever is absurd to me. It is like a foreign language to me...it is not part of my nature. No matter how much I try to understand, I just don't get it. I try to suck it up...pretend that this doesn't hurt me and you know most of the time I am pretty damn good at it but there are times I just have had enough. This is one of those times.

I will catch my breath. I will get back up...maybe not today or tomorrow but I WILL get back up. I will NEVER stop fighting for the rights of my two little people to have a normal, loving, happy, safe and sane life. I will never stop giving this to them, as long as I am given the rights to. As long as I am doing this, I will have to deal with this person hurting me. I am stronger and bigger than this. I have to be...if I'm not, I have everything to lose.

Taking the challange

Haley-o from http://cheatymonkey.com/ took the challange of listing 5 positive things about herself and then put the challange out to her readers. This challange couldn't have come at a better time since I am feeling kinda like crap today. So here it goes...Five positive things about myself...this is hard.
1) I usually have a good sense of humor. I can laugh at myself and others(not in a mean way) easily..I find humor in most things.
2) I am loving...I love to love. I am a lover not a hater.
3) I have a high tolerance...most of the time...this is usually a good thing.
4) I can change diapers really, really fast and I'm good at it! And this is a good thing because most days I change diapers on 3 kids and that doesn't include my job at the daycare. No, seriously, I can do lots of things really, really fast. Most likely because I have to be!
5) I'm a good listener...most of the time...except when the little people are whining, screaming and fighting, then I have learned to tune that out...not so good sometimes.

I guess that wasn't so hard...sure made me think though. It is so much easier for me to list the positives in others than in myself. Now I put this challange out to you...What are five positive things about yourself? It would be great if you shared them with me!