In light of my last post, I would like to thank you for the kind and loving support you have shown me. Your words have given me strength and although I wish I could say we are back to normal, we are at least working through everything and moving towards bringing back the sanity, peace, and love into what we call our sanctuary…our home.
It’s hard to keep my mind from going back to last Saturday night, when I can still feel the evilness of that night, in my home today. I can still hear the yelling, and the meanness, and feel the fear I felt in being attacked…how I felt frozen in the fear and disbelief that this was happening in my home. I remember how I felt so caught off guard…so powerless…when every attempt I made to stand up and defend, were silenced by him. I remembered in that moment, the all too familiar feeling of being scared to death…of giving over my power to someone else. This attack brought back a visitor of my past…fear and the sick feeling inside that is left in the wake of meanness…and now I am working on cleaning it out of my heart and my home once again.
Pure meanness, loud angry words, manipulating and good with words, good at making a lie sound like the truth, proud arrogance and full of self righteousness…people that have the ability to crush you and make you feel small with their words or their fists, controlling and dominating… bullies or abusive people…they have been a part of my life from the beginning. I have been on the receiving end of these kinds of attacks way more than I would like to admit and have worked hard at staying away from them. Meanness scares the shit out of me yet I am tired of crumbling underneath it’s wrath.
Although I have now made peace with my father, he was the source of much meanness and fear, while growing up. Even though I have forgiven him I still do not feel comfortable alone in a room with him. He taught me to fear and how to walk on egg shells around anyone that showed the capability for meanness. I learned the fine art of taking meanness with a smile and how to pretend that it had no affect on me…I learned how to numb myself to my feelings in the aftermath of an attack. I also learned the art of making excuses for mean behavior which somehow justified it’s presence. I learned at a young age that meanness is not predictable and that no matter how “good” I was or how much I tip toed around trying to make the mean person happy, whatever it is that I would do, would never be good enough. I believed deep inside my core, that somehow I was defective and that it was me that brought out the meanness…I made them act this way.
I learned after years of counseling and reading the many books on the subject, that it was rather normal that I found my way into the arms of “boys” or men that treated me in the same ways. Even though my marriages and relationships with these kinds of people felt very normal in one sense, I knew deep down that something was wrong. In spite of this, I never thought of myself as a “victim” instead, I thought I was to blame. I had no idea how to stop the madness or my choices to be with the very kinds of people that I feared. Living with the enemy, was the theme of my life…the person with whom I loved and lived with…whom I tried to please and make happy by being everything they wanted me to be, were seldom happy with me.
This life of living in fear…of choosing to live with the enemy, ended after having my eyes opened up by a counselor. His response to my saying, “But, he loves me,” (which, for some reason was making his abusing me acceptable) was “Of course he loves you and one of these days he is going to love you to death.” This woke me up from my slumber and thus began my journey of healing and taking the power back from all those I had given it to.
It’s been a journey of much self discovery and I came to realize just how much I hate meanness…how much I hate those things that equate meanness…and how much I hated living in fear. I wasted many years living that way and now that I have not lived with it for some time, not living in fear…not living with the enemy has been my “normal”. Having evil enter my home and display meanness in such a way, brings me back to the place of fear. It shook up my home and my world and has reminded me of all that I have fought to get away from.
I have shared with you that I have a wonderful husband that treats me rather well. He has never raised his voice towards me…has never said mean things to me nor has he pushed me around because he’s bigger then me. Meanness is not part of his nature and I can honestly say that if it were, I would not be married to him. Although he hurt me by not standing up to this meanness, he truly is sorry and has his reasons for acting in the way he did, that night. I can forgive this and I know somehow we will come out stronger in spite of any ill intentions of a bully.
After all that has happened in this past week, I am left feeling thankful that this meanness and fear are no longer a normal part of my life. I thank God every day that I don’t live with the enemy…that I live with someone that is on my side. Now that it has come for a visit into my home and ignited old memories and feelings, I am trying to sweep it out of my life once again. I don’t like mean people…I despise meanness and all that it equates. Even more, I hate it's affect on those that takes it's brunt. No matter how hard I try to understand it, I don’t think I ever will. I need to figure out how to stand up to it and not run from it.