I keep saying that I want just want one day, in which everything STOPS, so that I can catch my breath…just one day to be alone and have nothing to do but spend some time with myself, so that I can fill up and have it in me to keep on keepin on. Right now it feels like one day wouldn’t be near enough time to catch my breath and fill up.
I love rollercoaster rides even though I can no longer partake in their fun, due to my neck and skull injury. As far as the rollercoaster rides in life, not so much. This past week has been a rollercoaster of events that have been both positive and negative, and the fact is, life keeps on happening, regardless of these other things that come to add to it…and all of these things as a whole, have sucked me dry. Visiting your blogs(it‘s when I am absent from your ramblings that I realize just how much I love reading what you have to say and how much you have come to mean to me), writing, exercise(the non chasing after children kind), watching a favorite tv show, cuddling with my husband( and more importantly SEX), sipping on a glass of wine(as apposed to guzzling out of the bottle…lol) while losing myself in a movie, meditating, prayer(besides the dear God help me kinds of prayers that I have been screaming), laughter(as apposed to the insane laughter that comes out over the insanity of certain situations) ….are all things that help fill me up and keep me going. There has been no time for any of this.
As you may remember, my word for this year is courage. I wrote about having the courage to change careers and try something new. I am doing this! As scary and sad, as this is for me, it has been one of the high’s on this rollercoaster ride. Courage to give my 2 week notice at work...courage to sign my children up in a daycare...courage to do something different...courage to believe that I can do this. I will share all about this in the near future.
I also wrote about having the courage to keep letting go of my children. Why does this lesson have to be so damn hard? My daughter, (the one that guest posted for me a few weeks ago) and her son(he will be 2 in April) have been back staying with us again … has decided to move to Florida for a job. The plan is for them to move there for one year. In 5 days they will move away and as happy as I am for them, it feels like my heart is being ripped out. Reality is, I will not see them for a year. One year feels like an eternity when it means not seeing someone for that long.
Yes, there will be phone calls, and the computers with web cams but it’s still not the same. I have fooled myself into believing this before. Yes, I should be used to this by now, with having my other 2 daughters, son-in-law, granddaughter, and son, that live far away. Am I happy for each of them? Absolutely. Do I support them in what they have chosen? Absolutely. Do I miss them every moment that we are apart? Absolutely. Watching them leave, is like watching my heart come out of my body and disappearing. It hurts. I will let go because that’s what I have to do…it’s what we parents do when our job is finished. I realize, that now that my children are these wonderful, caring, hard working, independent adults, and the fact that we are close and have become friends, are things to proud of and grateful for. Believe me, I am. In 5 days, I will clothe myself in courage and do the right thing. Let go.
Today, I am going to do what I can, to fill up, under these circumstances, that are my life. Today, I will put on courage, to keep moving forward, in spite of all the changes taking place. Why does change have to be so hard for me? Just maybe I will have the courage to NOT play superwoman today and NOT do all the cleaning, the laundry and everything else that needs to be done and instead slow down and have the courage to be okay with everything not being “perfect”…and do some of those things that fill me up. Maybe.