I keep saying that I want just want one day, in which everything STOPS, so that I can catch my breath…just one day to be alone and have nothing to do but spend some time with myself, so that I can fill up and have it in me to keep on keepin on. Right now it feels like one day wouldn’t be near enough time to catch my breath and fill up.
I love rollercoaster rides even though I can no longer partake in their fun, due to my neck and skull injury. As far as the rollercoaster rides in life, not so much. This past week has been a rollercoaster of events that have been both positive and negative, and the fact is, life keeps on happening, regardless of these other things that come to add to it…and all of these things as a whole, have sucked me dry. Visiting your blogs(it‘s when I am absent from your ramblings that I realize just how much I love reading what you have to say and how much you have come to mean to me), writing, exercise(the non chasing after children kind), watching a favorite tv show, cuddling with my husband( and more importantly SEX), sipping on a glass of wine(as apposed to guzzling out of the bottle…lol) while losing myself in a movie, meditating, prayer(besides the dear God help me kinds of prayers that I have been screaming), laughter(as apposed to the insane laughter that comes out over the insanity of certain situations) ….are all things that help fill me up and keep me going. There has been no time for any of this.
As you may remember, my word for this year is courage. I wrote about having the courage to change careers and try something new. I am doing this! As scary and sad, as this is for me, it has been one of the high’s on this rollercoaster ride. Courage to give my 2 week notice at work...courage to sign my children up in a daycare...courage to do something different...courage to believe that I can do this. I will share all about this in the near future.
I also wrote about having the courage to keep letting go of my children. Why does this lesson have to be so damn hard? My daughter, (the one that guest posted for me a few weeks ago) and her son(he will be 2 in April) have been back staying with us again … has decided to move to Florida for a job. The plan is for them to move there for one year. In 5 days they will move away and as happy as I am for them, it feels like my heart is being ripped out. Reality is, I will not see them for a year. One year feels like an eternity when it means not seeing someone for that long.
Yes, there will be phone calls, and the computers with web cams but it’s still not the same. I have fooled myself into believing this before. Yes, I should be used to this by now, with having my other 2 daughters, son-in-law, granddaughter, and son, that live far away. Am I happy for each of them? Absolutely. Do I support them in what they have chosen? Absolutely. Do I miss them every moment that we are apart? Absolutely. Watching them leave, is like watching my heart come out of my body and disappearing. It hurts. I will let go because that’s what I have to do…it’s what we parents do when our job is finished. I realize, that now that my children are these wonderful, caring, hard working, independent adults, and the fact that we are close and have become friends, are things to proud of and grateful for. Believe me, I am. In 5 days, I will clothe myself in courage and do the right thing. Let go.
Today, I am going to do what I can, to fill up, under these circumstances, that are my life. Today, I will put on courage, to keep moving forward, in spite of all the changes taking place. Why does change have to be so hard for me? Just maybe I will have the courage to NOT play superwoman today and NOT do all the cleaning, the laundry and everything else that needs to be done and instead slow down and have the courage to be okay with everything not being “perfect”…and do some of those things that fill me up. Maybe.
17 comments:
Have the courage my friend. You don't need to be superwoman because you already are, and even superwoman has hard days where she just stays under the covers. It's her ability to recognize her need to stay in bed and rejunvenate for tomorrow's adventures that makes her superwoman in the first place.
I will be thinking of you and hoping you are ok. Take care of yourself.
You sound quite courageous to me. Keep finding that courage and it will serve you well.
I have got some courage I am not using so I will send it your way. I decided not to put it to good use a couple of weeks ago when I pulled the covers over my head instead.
The first part of your post sounded like I could have written it because it is exactly how I feel.
It will be exciting to hear what your near job is! I am certain this will be a great thing for you because through change, we grow! But, you already knew that! No need telling you that. It is one of the reasons your character is so well developed.
I am sending virtual courage and wine your way. I have extra wine too because I just stocked up.
Love!
This was a lovely post.
I am so thankful that I have never been called to be far from my family. I know that if God wanted me to go to Africa or Asia or some other far place I would go, but for now, I get to live close to my parents and it is a JOY! I pray that I never have to be far from them. I would sacrifice almost anything to stay close. I will pray for you as you say goodbye!
Being superwoman does not get you far. Take a day off from the tedious stuff.....IT will still be there the next day. really. It took me a long time to stop trying to be perfect..it only wastes your time.
courage. I love this.
You are a courageous woman. You are inspiring.
Can't wait to hear about the new job.
maybe Daughter will hate Florida.
Tell her it is hot and humid and she will have 10 months of bad hair days a year. :)
Yay for courage. And some of the most difficult things we do is letting go of our kids. Again, and again. My step-grandkids live 10 hours away and we rarely see them. I haven't seen the 3 yo since he was 8 months old, and I haven't seen the 4 mo. old ever. *sigh*
You are one of the most courageous women I know. Even if your heart is breaking into a million pieces, you are strong. Love it that you're making changes for yourself. You go, girl.
p.s. I LOVE roller coasters, especially wooden ones. I am so sorry you are unable to ride them anymore!
hey there friend, you know you will be okay, and daughter will be closer to son, so that is a plus, who knows maybe they can come home together someday, and you will see them sooner than a years time. she will be okay. you seem to have raised your children to be independent. you should be proud of yourself that they can take it upon themselves to venture out in the world like they have. be proud my friend, you did a great job raising them. as for your new job? your new employer will be so lucky to have you. you are a caring individual with the ability to communicate with all ages. we all know this thru your blog.
anyway, my advice to you for the next 5 days is enjoy each and every minute with your daughter before she leaves, take the kids to macdonalds where they can play and you can visit with your daughter. plus you will tire them out, put them to bed and enjoy a BOTTLE of wine with your daughter after the kids go to bed and relax my friend...........hope i helped you out......................another thng that doesn't have anything to do with your post ...........is where did the picture on your header come from???? have a good weekend lori, you are gona be just fine!!!!!
hugs,
cheryl.............
Obviously there is a lot of love combined with your courage. I haven't had to experience the leaving of children and I am not sure the courage I will have when that happens.
You are very brave and take on so much. I'm glad you are taking the time to take care of you. I just hope that you are able to do it. Change is such a scary thing but exhilarating too. Whatever your change is, I wish you all the best. You are an amazing woman and I pray you get all that you dream of.
I hate to break it to you, but I think you have been courageous all along. But now that you are consciously aware of it, your courage will take you right where you want to go. Hang in there, mama.
KJ
I agree, you are one of the most courageous, as well, as humble people around. Wishing you all the time you need to take care and center yourself.
It's hard to understand why loving and letting go have to be both joyous and painful experiences. You are the most loving and courageous woman I've known in a long time. As for the roller coasters in life, well Hon, just hang on. You have more inside you than you can possibly imagine. Take some time for yourself. Come to OK and I'll take care of you.
Oh dear.....you've go soooo much courage that I'm always in awe of you. I don't know your plans or where you're going but I've been thinking for a while now that it would be good if you could have a job where you weren't having to be a caregiver and let someone do the caregiving for a change. You deserve those 8-9 hours away and I think it will make all the difference in your life. We all want what we can't have. I wish my kids lived across country and then I wouldn't feel so guilty when I can't help them out all the time. Does that make me a bad mother?
All rollercoaster rides come to an end. Then you get off and you're on solid ground again. Until you get on the next ride!
Hang in there.
My heart aches.....
OMGoodness...i am so excited for you! I wish i had that kind of courage right now...as things just continue to slide downhill at work for us.
It will be exciting and wonderful for you, and in a small way you are taking back a little bit of your life by utilizing the daycare resource...good for you.
Looking forward to hearing more about this new chapter in your life.
I hate "letting go." I began to dread this concept in the first days of my newborn daughter's life, when it dawned on me that one day she would grow up and "leave me."
Hang in there!
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