In our family...

In our family....we do second chances...we do grace...we do real...we do mistakes...we do I'm sorry (and I forgive you)...we do loud really well...we do hugs...we do family...we do love.

Wednesday, December 31, 2008

The after math of evil's visit

I have been absent from the blog world since last week because my world has been turned upside down. Last Friday, evil came for another visit and this time evil brought her boyfriend, the father of her newest baby. For those that don't know who evil is, evil is my step daughter, the mother of the children we are raising. They were allowed to stay in our home and even though I was against them staying in our home, I agreed, under the conditions that not only did the rules have to be followed but that if anything happened to upset the peace in our home, they would be asked to leave. This is my husband's daughter, and his home, way before I came into the picture, so ultimately it is up to him.

Last Saturday evening, her boyfriend, blew up at us. He ripped us apart over things that were lies that she has told him...he ripped us apart over things he knows nothing about. He even attacked my daughter because she had the audacity to ask him to talk quieter so that the kids wouldn't be woken up. Up until this point we thought he was a pretty decent person but his true colors came out. He is a big guy and he bullied my husband, my daughter and me. He went off and my husband did not handle the situation very well because he did nothing.

He did not make them leave. He did not defend me. He did not stand up for me, my daughter or even himself. It was like evil had a hold of my husbands mouth and mind. In my husbands defense, he is not a loud, aggressive, or controlling person. In fact, I have never heard him raise his voice. He is not a big guy, while this guy is not only big, but also controlling and aggressive. They are completely opposite in size and nature.

I was scared to death and left my home that night because I could no longer stay here in this situation. I stayed away until this morning, when they left. I left because I could not be here with them. I had to step out of this situation because not only was I afraid of this man but I was hurt by my husbands lack of protecting me and that they were allowed to stay here, in my home. I also couldn't stand to look at this person that has told such lies and who has brought so much pain to my life...and to the lives of our little people. It felt like pure evil in this home. It broke my heart to leave the little ones but I knew that if I didn't leave, I would break. Please don't judge me for leaving.

Evil was allowed to stay here, in what was suppose to be my home. Evil was allowed to bully it's way into my home and take it over. Many things that I thought I was sure of in my life have been ripped away. I am back in a home that no longer feels like mine. I know this is my husband's daughter and that he has a lot of thinking to do and decisions to make. I know that he is sorry and regrets doing nothing. I know that I love him yet I still feel wounded and not sure where this leaves me. Now we have to figure out where we go from here. I can't fight this fight alone. He needs to take a stand. If he cannot, then we need to consider handing these little ones back to their mother. I have poured my heart and soul into them...given up everything to do this and yet, when it comes down to it, the outcome is not up to me. Right now, this feels like it would kill me to give them up, but once again it is not just up to me.

It really sucks to end this year like this. My home feels evil. It feels like evil has won. I am trying to make sense of things that are hard to make sense of. I am trying to catch my breath and get my feet planted firmly in the truth...whatever that is. I am scared...hurt and angry. Somehow, I am not the same person I was before all this happened. Here I sit in the after math of evils visit and it may take some time for me to find my place.


Claire Marie said...

Tears are streaming down my cheeks and my heart is breaking for you Lori. I had assumed you were quiet because you were taking the week off for family time and it didn't even cross my mind that evil was coming to town. Once again I hear the phrase in my mind, "nobody knows this until they are in it."

Nobody can feel the heart of a grandmother who loves the little people more than the big people but has no control or say about what happens.

The strains to relationships and the lack of peace of mind over all the issues.

My heart is filled with anxiety for your situation and I hope that you can somehow find a way through this.

Giving the little people back... Letting evil into your home... Your not being protected emotionally... The lack of boundaries and rules... All of it. I am feeling it with you and my hope is that you can do something legally to make this stop once and for all.

A lifetime of this is too much to ask of us Grandma's. We must find our voice and have our say and feel our worth and know that our homes... are OUR homes. Stand your ground and manipulate it back to your way. The world is so full of crazy and angry that we MUST make our homes a sanctuary of safety and peace.

Don't let this ruin a good thing. She is the ingredient. The rest of the recipe works.

Love and hugs and prayers and tears for you my friend.

The Incredible Woody said...

My heart is breaking for you. I have no brilliant pieces of advice or anything eloquent or clever to say. All I can say is I will be praying for you, for your family, and for you to stay strong.


Riahli said...

The pain of it all is so hard isn't it.

My husbands little brother lived with us for almost seven years, and it's a very long and involved story that I talk about a little on my blog, but just this year his mom decided she wanted to do the mom thing again and took him back after all those years and it shattered my heart into a million pieces that I am still picking up. It brings tears to my eyes when I start thinking about him. I miss him so much and hardly get to see him any more. I didn't have much say in the situation, because it wasn't my side of the family and we don't get along his mother and I. I understand the feeling of evil in your home, I felt it many times.

It's so hard to be so out of control of a situation that is so close to your heart, that is your heart. My husband and I went through many rough patches that were created my his mom when we were raising J, it took a lot of working through. In the beganning he never stood up for me, he is a quiet man, and hates to get into conflicts. I felt as if I was being left to defend my self againt her alone and it made me angry. But things changed, he came around and eventually realized where I was coming from, how it was all making me feel, how he was allowing it by not standing up to her. Talk, talk to your husband, talk, talk, talk...don't let evil create more sadness, or as I like to say, don't let evil win.

I am worried for you in this situation. Worried for those babies that deserve the happiness they have found in your home.

If you ever want to vent more to some one who has been in a semi-similar situation email me at

Busy Bee Suz said...

I am so sorry you have had this bad experience......this is horrible that you were put out by these people. your husband is caught between a rock and a hard place, I am sure he struggles w/ his decision also. I could not imagine being in either of your shoes.
I hope that you do get some your mind and in your heart. take care and take deep breaths.
the new year is around the corner....start fresh if you can.

Anonymous said...

There is no way for us to understand the position you are in right now.

You have really struck me as one of the most loving and caring people on this planet. This is a lot of what happens when you put your own feelings and needs at the bottom of the list. Everyone expects you to adapt to everything and keep going, but it isn't so easy.

I hope that things work out for you, but I know already that you will do everything in your power to work everything out for them...try not to forget about yourself too.

Fight small battles that you can win and then more up from there to larger things.

Midlife Slices said...

Oh dear Lori, you do not deserve this. In your husbands defense, he probably just didn't want to make any waves but in doing so he let you down and you'll have to work through that.

I think you need to put your foot down and say if you are going to raise these kids for her, then he needs to realize the sacrifices you are making and make some of his own, even if it's sacrificing his relationship with his daughter. What kind of daughter could she be anyway if she won't raise her own children???

My heart aches for you. It's so sad when someone you love lets you down in such a profound way. I know I've dealt with it too and it's something you never forget.

Sit him down and ask him if he chooses her or you and then set boundaries (because I know he'll choose you) from here on out as far as she is concerned. Like someone said earlier, she's only a small blip in the whole picture so step back and take a breath and think about what is important to you.

You husband should do the same. HBL and I just had words over this whole thing because I too, have been hurt by his daughter and his lack of saying anything in my defense. They just see things differently. I think it's in their chemical makeup.

Hugs to you and my thoughts and prayers are with you. Prayer for the strength of your family and marriage.

Smart Mouth Broad said...

I can't imagine that anyone would judge you for simply doing the only thing you felt you could do. I've got no solution for you but will keep you in my prayers. If anything the only advice I would give is to keep the lines of communication open. Take care of you. You can't take care of anyone else without doing this first. (((Lori)))

Jason, as himself said...

Lori--this makes me feel sick, and I'm sorry you're dealing being forced to deal with it. Maybe your husband just needs some guidance and a little bit of prodding to make things better--those boundaries that other commenters have mentioned, for starters.

And don't forget the old addage that is so true but so hard to believe in the midst of awful situations: "This, too, shall pass."

We're all here for you, let us rally around you and help pull you through. Blog friends aren't just virtual friends.

Midlife Mama said...

You did the right thing by leaving. You can't do those babies any good if you are broken by this evil and her evil boyfriend. They are toxic people, and shame on your husband for wimping out.

It is so very hard to repair the hole that is left when someone important to you lets you down, especially for something like that situation. My only recommendations is don't make any drastic moves (like filing for divorce) without seeing a counselor first. Not that you're there, but you are hurt and wounded, and it is good that he is at least sorry.

Hugs to you...we're thinking about you and praying for you.

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

If I could make this better for you, i would do so in an instant. I am so so sorry you had to go through this, ansd especially around the holidays.

It might be your husband's duaghter, but it is your hoe and it is your love and time that goes into raisng the little ones. In my opinion you have every right in the world to set boundaries and expect your husband to support you in this.

Stepping Thru said...

I'm just getting caught up on your posts and am just dumbfounded by this whole post. What a horrible situation and how sad that you had to deal with it alone. I can't pretend to understand or to give profound advise. Your other comments have had some wonderful words of advise and of love. All I can do is pray for you and your family and for God to show you the path from here. Take care my good friend!

Life with Kaishon said...

This made me cry. I am sorry for this on so many levels. I am thankful you love your little people so much. They are going to grow up to be wonderful citizens!

Much love.

SSG said...

what a horrible thing to go through, and your husband should have said something, but he will know this and we can only learn from our mistakes, and perhaps he doesn't want to hurt or upset anyone, as it was his daughter, but the saying "All that is necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing". everyone can stake a stand when people are being evil, but it is a very hard thing to do. i hope peace can be restored and everyone has learned from what has happened. you need to feel safe in your own home. #hugs#

Heather said...

I'm so sorry you had to go through this. The holiday are supposed to be a time to bring families together, but sometimes just the opposite happens.

You have every right to feel safe in your own home. You have a right to expect your husband to protect you and stand up for you. I'm sorry he disappointed you.