I have been absent from the blog world since last week because my world has been turned upside down. Last Friday, evil came for another visit and this time evil brought her boyfriend, the father of her newest baby. For those that don't know who evil is, evil is my step daughter, the mother of the children we are raising. They were allowed to stay in our home and even though I was against them staying in our home, I agreed, under the conditions that not only did the rules have to be followed but that if anything happened to upset the peace in our home, they would be asked to leave. This is my husband's daughter, and his home, way before I came into the picture, so ultimately it is up to him.
Last Saturday evening, her boyfriend, blew up at us. He ripped us apart over things that were lies that she has told him...he ripped us apart over things he knows nothing about. He even attacked my daughter because she had the audacity to ask him to talk quieter so that the kids wouldn't be woken up. Up until this point we thought he was a pretty decent person but his true colors came out. He is a big guy and he bullied my husband, my daughter and me. He went off and my husband did not handle the situation very well because he did nothing.
He did not make them leave. He did not defend me. He did not stand up for me, my daughter or even himself. It was like evil had a hold of my husbands mouth and mind. In my husbands defense, he is not a loud, aggressive, or controlling person. In fact, I have never heard him raise his voice. He is not a big guy, while this guy is not only big, but also controlling and aggressive. They are completely opposite in size and nature.
I was scared to death and left my home that night because I could no longer stay here in this situation. I stayed away until this morning, when they left. I left because I could not be here with them. I had to step out of this situation because not only was I afraid of this man but I was hurt by my husbands lack of protecting me and that they were allowed to stay here, in my home. I also couldn't stand to look at this person that has told such lies and who has brought so much pain to my life...and to the lives of our little people. It felt like pure evil in this home. It broke my heart to leave the little ones but I knew that if I didn't leave, I would break. Please don't judge me for leaving.
Evil was allowed to stay here, in what was suppose to be my home. Evil was allowed to bully it's way into my home and take it over. Many things that I thought I was sure of in my life have been ripped away. I am back in a home that no longer feels like mine. I know this is my husband's daughter and that he has a lot of thinking to do and decisions to make. I know that he is sorry and regrets doing nothing. I know that I love him yet I still feel wounded and not sure where this leaves me. Now we have to figure out where we go from here. I can't fight this fight alone. He needs to take a stand. If he cannot, then we need to consider handing these little ones back to their mother. I have poured my heart and soul into them...given up everything to do this and yet, when it comes down to it, the outcome is not up to me. Right now, this feels like it would kill me to give them up, but once again it is not just up to me.
It really sucks to end this year like this. My home feels evil. It feels like evil has won. I am trying to make sense of things that are hard to make sense of. I am trying to catch my breath and get my feet planted firmly in the truth...whatever that is. I am scared...hurt and angry. Somehow, I am not the same person I was before all this happened. Here I sit in the after math of evils visit and it may take some time for me to find my place.