Kicking My Ass

In living a life with pain, some days are worse then others. I have learned how to adjust my life and the things I do to either prevent it from escalating to a higher level or to just plain cope. On the days and nights, that the pain kicks my ass, I try to just wait it out until it lessens. I feel like giving up and to be quite honest, there are times that I just want to put a gun to my head…to just make the pain STOP. Everything becomes harder and going to work is a struggle, let alone getting anything done around the house. Life goes on because of the little people and their busyness and noise make my head swim. It’s hard to do anything, let alone sleep. I tend to feel more fearful and vulnerable during these times…and then I feel guilty because my husband has to do so much more around here, which he is happy to do and doesn’t do anything to make me feel guilty. I do that all on my own.

High pain brings out the nightmares and the nightmares make me tighten up even more, thus more pain. I have nightmares about being attacked and it brings to the surface all the fears I have regarding the attack. It’s ugly and I literally hate being reminded of what happened. I work hard at forgetting and leaving it in the past, where it belongs. There is no good to remembering something that I cannot change. These memories like to come out to play while I sleep and it’s this that I battle. It’s a vicious ugly cycle and my life is spent trying to prevent these cycles. Stress does make things worse, and lately, with the stress being high, the pain has been kicking my ass. Finally, today the pain has let up somewhat. I still feel wiped out…completely drained but I can now think more clearly.

My doctor wants me to consider getting Botox injections into my neck. I am seriously considering it and have started reading up about it, since I want to know if there are any long term side affects before I agree to it. Tomorrow, I will start going into a heated therapeutic pool to exercise with the woman I am going to be assisting. A physical therapist will also put together an exercise program for me to do in the workout facility, which I am also looking forward to. My doctor has recommended this therapy and exercise for me and since I will be taking my client every day anyways, I will now get to do this. I am really hoping and praying that this will help me.

I am going to be a personal care attendant for a woman that is also a friend of mine. She is in her early 50’s and has severe arthritis all over her body. She lives with severe pain, that I am sure mine doesn’t even come close to, but regardless, I do understand pain and she knows this. I basically will be her companion to help with housekeeping, cooking, taking her to the therapeutic pool and exercise facility and anything else that she would like to do…like to the movies or shopping. I will be getting paid to spend time with a wonderful, gracious and loving woman.

I will not have to do any lifting which is a relief from lifting all the babies in the nursery every day. The doctor thinks that lifting the babies has been hard on my neck and has hopes that once I am not doing that anymore(other than my own occasionally) that my pain levels will start to come down. I have already told the woman that runs the company, that when I am ready to take another client, that I would like one that wouldn’t require heavy lifting and that was not a problem.

I found a great woman, that has a small home daycare, to take care of the little people and they loved it when we visited there last week. Although it was hard leaving my job at the school, I know that these new changes will be good for all of us. I will write in the near future about my last days at the school…my heart is still overflowing from it all. Yes, I did meet with that young woman and her children, that I wrote about recently, and I will tell you all about that as well.

Tomorrow begins a new chapter, in all of our lives, but I think we are ready for it. I am excited to see how it all plays out and the people I will meet along the way. Life...it's a journey...sometimes it's a rollercoaster ride that I don't want to be on...whatever it is, I'm along for the ride.