Do you ever have day’s when you just want to walk away from your life? Do you ever feel like throwing in the towel and saying “I quit.”? Do you ever feel like hiding under a rock from the rest of the world? Do you ever feel like doing this?
This is how I am feeling and I really don’t have any specific reasons. I could say it’s because I got another nasty letter from my step daughter…and no, I don’t respond to these letters, that I seem to get from her every couple of weeks…and yes, I still love her and it continues to break my heart that she has chosen a path that only brings pain to all of us. Here we are raising her children, and yet she cannot see our love for her.
I could say it’s because I am so damn sick of the snow and cold, even though I had fun playing in it this past weekend…knowing that it’s not going to end any time soon, really does suck and makes me want to scream.
I could say it’s because I am missing my adult children and grandchildren something terrible right now…the ache in my heart, physically hurts and no amount of talking to them on the phone makes it go away.
I could say I’m feeling this way because I have been in such intense pain for over 3 weeks now and it affects EVERYTHING that I do and I am so damn sick of seeing everything through the lens of pain. I could say it’s because of the parenting demands of 2 little people…the monotony and endlessness of it…and that just maybe I am too damn old for this job and someone should just fire me. The weight of raising these precious grandchildren as my own, into responsible, healthy and happy human beings, in spite of how their lives started out… I am wondering how I thought I could do this. I could say it’s because both of these things are exhausting and have completely changed my life…and make me feel extremely alone…and how scared to death I am of speaking this out loud to anyone.
I could say it’s because of the economy and that paying daycare takes over half of what I make…that we already live simple and that if things get worse, we have very little we could cut out, but we will if we have to but it’s more the fact that I know so many struggling people and knowing that we can’t do much to help them, breaks my heart. I could say it’s because I miss my old job and the connections with the young moms and their children…even though I love my new job, I wasn’t expecting to miss everyone as much as I do.
I could blame it on menopausal hormones and not feeling like myself…and maybe I’m not liking myself very much right now. I could say it's because I am having a hard time embracing these changes.
I am a glass half full kind of person and that hasn’t changed. It’s not that I don’t know all the blessings in my life and I know I have a lot to be happy about. As much as I feel like screaming, I’m not a screamer. As much as I feel like crying, and I’m crying on the inside, I can’t even cry.
Even though I know in my head that I shouldn’t be feeling like running away, I do and I am ashamed to admit that. But, here I am admitting to all of you that I really suck right now. And I know I’m the only one that can fix this. I wonder how to do this? I picture, kicking my own ass, shaking myself and knocking some sense into myself… and screaming “Knock this shit off! Get a grip! Stop this stinkin thinkin!” Now if I could just get myself to listen...I'm off to find a rock.