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In our family....we do second chances...we do grace...we do real...we do mistakes...we do I'm sorry (and I forgive you)...we do loud really well...we do hugs...we do family...we do love.















Monday, February 23, 2009

Stinkin Thinkin



Do you ever have day’s when you just want to walk away from your life? Do you ever feel like throwing in the towel and saying “I quit.”? Do you ever feel like hiding under a rock from the rest of the world? Do you ever feel like doing this?

Or this?


This is how I am feeling and I really don’t have any specific reasons. I could say it’s because I got another nasty letter from my step daughter…and no, I don’t respond to these letters, that I seem to get from her every couple of weeks…and yes, I still love her and it continues to break my heart that she has chosen a path that only brings pain to all of us. Here we are raising her children, and yet she cannot see our love for her.

I could say it’s because I am so damn sick of the snow and cold, even though I had fun playing in it this past weekend…knowing that it’s not going to end any time soon, really does suck and makes me want to scream.

I could say it’s because I am missing my adult children and grandchildren something terrible right now…the ache in my heart, physically hurts and no amount of talking to them on the phone makes it go away.

I could say I’m feeling this way because I have been in such intense pain for over 3 weeks now and it affects EVERYTHING that I do and I am so damn sick of seeing everything through the lens of pain. I could say it’s because of the parenting demands of 2 little people…the monotony and endlessness of it…and that just maybe I am too damn old for this job and someone should just fire me. The weight of raising these precious grandchildren as my own, into responsible, healthy and happy human beings, in spite of how their lives started out… I am wondering how I thought I could do this. I could say it’s because both of these things are exhausting and have completely changed my life…and make me feel extremely alone…and how scared to death I am of speaking this out loud to anyone.

I could say it’s because of the economy and that paying daycare takes over half of what I make…that we already live simple and that if things get worse, we have very little we could cut out, but we will if we have to but it’s more the fact that I know so many struggling people and knowing that we can’t do much to help them, breaks my heart. I could say it’s because I miss my old job and the connections with the young moms and their children…even though I love my new job, I wasn’t expecting to miss everyone as much as I do.

I could blame it on menopausal hormones and not feeling like myself…and maybe I’m not liking myself very much right now. I could say it's because I am having a hard time embracing these changes.

I am a glass half full kind of person and that hasn’t changed. It’s not that I don’t know all the blessings in my life and I know I have a lot to be happy about. As much as I feel like screaming, I’m not a screamer. As much as I feel like crying, and I’m crying on the inside, I can’t even cry.

Even though I know in my head that I shouldn’t be feeling like running away, I do and I am ashamed to admit that. But, here I am admitting to all of you that I really suck right now. And I know I’m the only one that can fix this. I wonder how to do this? I picture, kicking my own ass, shaking myself and knocking some sense into myself… and screaming “Knock this shit off! Get a grip! Stop this stinkin thinkin!” Now if I could just get myself to listen...I'm off to find a rock.

17 comments:

morethananelectrician said...

I get like this A LOT!! I almost always find that it is me expecting too much from others and maybe even myself (but I rarely ever cut myself ANY slack)... Just find your stopping point and move on. For me, it cant be "I'll wake up tomorrow.." It has to be a decision that THIS MINUTE, I am going to snap out of this FUNK and move on...

The same situation have to be dealt with, but I just try to change the way I look at them...it works about half the time!

Smart Mouth Broad said...

I think you're too hard on yourself. You're human and anyone would feel this way with all you have on your plate. It's great to let it all out, isn't it? I just love this bloggy outlet. (((Lori)))

Sandi said...

sweet friend,

If you read this exact post on my blog, what would you say to me? Take your own advise and pour yourself a cold something and take a deep breath and let it all out!

I love you and I want you to be happy!

SSG said...

sometimes we all need to chill, and you remind me of me, telling myself to get a grip and get over myself and get on with it, but to you, I would say we all need time to just be alone and do our thing and jump off the conveyor belt for a while. and I agree with SMB that you're hard on yourself, look at all the things your doing, the things happening in your life, we'd all have quit way before you! In fact, your post and they way I feel about you writing it reminds me not to be too hard on myself too. (((((Hugs))))))

SciFi Dad said...

Not to diminish your other problems, but, from one snow dweller to another, things will NOT seem this bad come April (or May, or whenever this snow melts FOR GOOD).

Hang in there. Things will improve.

Busy Bee Suz said...

You have lots going against you right now...dreary weather, PAIN, financial woes, PAIN. I think that whole pain part is the heart of this....I thought you were going to start some therapy to help cope with that....is that happening? not helping?
So sorry you are feeling so bad...I wish I could come up there and help you out....take the kids for a day, get you a massage...make dinner.
Hugs*
Suz

Jan said...

Ah, poor girl, I can so relate.

Try and remember that part of it IS the weather and part of it IS the pain and part of it IS the menopause and that nothing lasts forever. This too shall pass.

It better, or I'll be joining you under that rock.

(((Lori)))

midlife slices said...

SMB is right. You ARE too hard on yourself. You're an amazing woman doing an even more amazing job of juggling all the variable of your life. Who cares if you drop a ball every once in a while? It just proves you're human even though sometimes I wonder if you're really a super human with all that you deal with and still have that same smile on your face. We all have these times when all the balls just won't stay in the air and you just bend over and pick 'em back up and start the balancing act all over again. It's good to vent and what better place than here? ((HUGS))

queenofphrump said...

Yeah. I get this. It goes along with the Strong vs. Tenacious post of a while back though. Sick of being strong. Sick of carrying the load. Sick of pain and energy drains. Problem is, you lack certain choices because you are a good person and you do the right things for the right reasons. Sucks!!!

I know that the raising of the kids is the easy part really. It is the raising of the kids without becoming resentful that is that difficult part. I fight this every day and bless their little hearts, it has nothing to do with them. Absolutely nothing but it still feels the same to us old girls who carry the load.

Don't have any advice. When you find your answers let me know because I could use some help with this too.

Bina said...

First of all, how can you NOT feel this way sometimes? You have so much on your shoulders and most people with kids know that one day, those kids will be grown and out of their own, but you? You have had to start all over again. You haven't been able to enjoy "the empty nest" like most people do. And if you didn't feel the way you are right now, at least sometimes, I would be worried that you weren't a real, normal person. There is no one on the face of the earth that doesn't feel this way some of the time.

I don't know how to make you feel better, but remember, everything comes in cycles, and you will get through this. I'm sure you must have felt this way before and you got it through it. You have had so much thrown on you and you are taking it all better than most people I know, and you will get through this, too.

Debbie said...

I think you could say it is the culmination of all of those things. I seem to get by with this little secret - denial. I am the Scarlet O'Hara of today:)

FrankandMary said...

I doubt you crawled under that rock because you seem very self-aware & this _ close to actually doing something positive :-). We all want to get away from IT, whatever our IT is at the time we are overstressed and underhelped. But wherever you go, there you are. I suspect you realize that, but just need a little tenderness.
How about giving yourself some?
~Mary

KayFour said...

In no way will I try to diminish what you are feeling. I have been there, myself, more times that I can remember.

Instead of stinkin' thinkin', think Margarita, instead.

Beth said...

KNOCK THIS SHIT OFF!

Look, intense pain will make you feel all kinds of weirdness....maybe you need some "girl time"...a mani/pedi? some girl talk and a bottle of wine..or two? ;)

Fragrant Liar said...

You're not alone. Courage, girlfriend. Courage.

Krystal said...

honey, let it out!

You are such a strong woman and you go through so much, of course there are going to be those days that you just want to run for the hills and you don't know exactly why. If you didn't feel that way, you wouldn't be human and have the heart and love that you do.

You will make it through this as you and I both know that there is nothing that we moms cannot handle. you have been given a blessing in life and you know that you h ave - that is the most important time.

So go ahead, take your time to scream and vent and shout, even if it is just in writing. You deserve it and tomorrow will be another day that just maybe, you will get that little ray of light that makes you sit down and say, WTF was i thinking? yeah, I got my light this morning.

((HUGS))

D'Arcy said...

I came home last night after a hugely successful day at work (my students took first place in both competitions I've been coaching them on for an entire school year)

And yet, I got home and bawled. I cried and cried. I didn't know if it was from loneliness? Stress relief? Satisfaction? Fear?

I didn't know. I just cried and hid under the covers. And today I don't want to interact with anyone. Just me.