For the last week or so, I have been taking a deeper look into why I struggle with my self image. Ever since I wrote that on my list as one of the things I want to change about myself, I have been researching how to improve it and to just accept myself. In my reading, one of the things suggested was to take a week and just observe myself...my habits, the way I think, my self talk, what words come out of my mouth, my day to day activities...ect. Quite honestly, I don't like what I observed...and honestly, it makes me want to throw in the towel and take this off my list. More than anything I have come to realize that this issue filters through all areas of my life and really, it's been debilitating...and it's about time it's put to death.
I need to vomit this out of my life, not just for me but my husband and children as well, because my eyes have been opened this past week to how much this affects all of us. Part of getting free or coming clean of this, is that I am suppose to admit I have a problem and be held accountable to those around me. It almost sounds like I have a drug problem again. The thing is, when I was in my early teen years, starving myself and making myself vomit, there really wasn't a name for it back then, let alone help for it. Reality is, I never got help when I probably should have. Even though I no longer starve myself to that extent or make myself vomit,the root issue is still here inside of me. I now do other things, that really are no better.
This self loathing that I feel is an ugly thing that leaves me feeling ashamed and more than anything wanting to hide from the world. And here I am exposing it to all the world. I have suffered in silence with this for way too long. I know that in sharing openly like this I risk judgement. I also realize that in choosing to openly admit this and making the decision to do something about this, I am leaving the safety net of my own little world. I have grown used to being this way, so this means I will need to break old habits that run deep.
My new, dear friend, Claire, sent me a book this past week and in this book it describes self-loathing as an ugly bruise that erupts on the surface of our lives; a warning sign that something serious is happening on a deeper level. We bruise when we bleed within. Self-loathing is the silent hemorrhaging of the soul. My soul is crying out for a change, yet my mind is the battle ground. Right now I can choose to keep on covering up the bruises and pretending they don't exist and hope no one else sees them or do what it takes to stop the bleeding inside my soul. I choose the later.