In our family...

In our family....we do second chances...we do grace...we do real...we do mistakes...we do I'm sorry (and I forgive you)...we do loud really well...we do hugs...we do family...we do love.















Friday, September 19, 2008

Self-loathing is ugly

For the last week or so, I have been taking a deeper look into why I struggle with my self image. Ever since I wrote that on my list as one of the things I want to change about myself, I have been researching how to improve it and to just accept myself. In my reading, one of the things suggested was to take a week and just observe myself...my habits, the way I think, my self talk, what words come out of my mouth, my day to day activities...ect. Quite honestly, I don't like what I observed...and honestly, it makes me want to throw in the towel and take this off my list. More than anything I have come to realize that this issue filters through all areas of my life and really, it's been debilitating...and it's about time it's put to death.

I need to vomit this out of my life, not just for me but my husband and children as well, because my eyes have been opened this past week to how much this affects all of us. Part of getting free or coming clean of this, is that I am suppose to admit I have a problem and be held accountable to those around me. It almost sounds like I have a drug problem again. The thing is, when I was in my early teen years, starving myself and making myself vomit, there really wasn't a name for it back then, let alone help for it. Reality is, I never got help when I probably should have. Even though I no longer starve myself to that extent or make myself vomit,the root issue is still here inside of me. I now do other things, that really are no better.

This self loathing that I feel is an ugly thing that leaves me feeling ashamed and more than anything wanting to hide from the world. And here I am exposing it to all the world. I have suffered in silence with this for way too long. I know that in sharing openly like this I risk judgement. I also realize that in choosing to openly admit this and making the decision to do something about this, I am leaving the safety net of my own little world. I have grown used to being this way, so this means I will need to break old habits that run deep.

My new, dear friend, Claire, sent me a book this past week and in this book it describes self-loathing as an ugly bruise that erupts on the surface of our lives; a warning sign that something serious is happening on a deeper level. We bruise when we bleed within. Self-loathing is the silent hemorrhaging of the soul. My soul is crying out for a change, yet my mind is the battle ground. Right now I can choose to keep on covering up the bruises and pretending they don't exist and hope no one else sees them or do what it takes to stop the bleeding inside my soul. I choose the later.

12 comments:

thistle said...

One of the things i am really liking about this whole blogging experience is the openness of people, which probably accounts for how quickly 'relationships' are formed. it feels like a safe place to put it all out there, no hiding of thorns or extra toes so to speak. And that is both inspiring and humbling. Thank you for sharing your thorns, you will find no judgements here.

Cheryl said...

pretty deep....i think each and every one of us has ugly issues of the past haunting us. for you i give you credit for wanting to come to terms with your past issues.i too had eating disorders at one time, along with other issues. as we grow older i think it is true that we also grow wiser. you can see it as you look at your children and are trying to teach them right from wrong. and they will probably make some of the same mistakes we made, it's a part of life. but for you and other people to take charge and shed the pains of the past is a good thing. i hope your successfull in what you are trying to do within your life. take care!!!

Smart Mouth Broad said...

It is said that half the battle is knowing that you have a problem. Good for you for putting it out there. It was a very brave thing to do. I'm with Thistle, no judgements here. The internet is an endless source of information but I found this link that might be helpful.

http://www.nedic.ca/knowthefacts/bodyimage.shtml

Midlife Slices said...

Thistle I think there are lots of us who need to sit on your couch for a while. :) The insight I gain from reading these blogs is priceless and I feel so much love for all my blogger friends. I also feel their pain and their joys. Hang in there girl, and if you figure out that self image secret, share with me please. :)

I'm heading to the site SMB posted right now. She's a smart girl too!

D'Arcy said...

THank you for your honesty and your vulnerablity...I just sent you an email. I think you are wonderful!

Midlife Slices said...

I see my comment looked like I was talking to thistle the entire time. I was thanking her for what she said but I was telling YOU to hang in there. What you are doing for your grandchildren couldn't be accomplished by someone who wasn't special. :)

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

I admire your courage and honesty. You wrote a very powerful post and I agree with everyone who has commented. Especially recognizing a problem being the biggest hurdle; one that you have passed. Thank-you for putting it out there.

Claire Marie said...

Perhaps the concentration on celebrating yourself is more significant than ridding yourself of bad behavior. Do you suppose that as we add in positive it will eventually outweigh the negative?

I grew up with a mom who discouraged us from attracting attention to ourselves. She discouraged anything that celebrated us! She said that if we organized an event which required other people to feel they must bring a gift then we were in the wrong.

Phooey with that! I celebrate every chance I get. I learned this a decade ago and at first it felt uncomfortable. Now it comes naturally and as I allow myself to celebrate me.....it gives permission for others around me to celebrate themselves too.

Add in the good. Make the final thing you put on every morning a "I am beautiful" out loud in the mirror. When others tell us we look beautiful it fills us with something we need. Why would it be different coming from our own hearts?

My struggle with self image happened in a time when I didn't feel very feminine. In the end it was me that fixed how I felt about me.

Love You! You are safe here.

Claire

Jason said...

Isn't it amazing how we perceive ourselves to be something so much less than what other people think of us? I agree with all of the comments made to you on this post, and along those lines, don't forget to take time for YOURSELF, especially now that your life is so consumed with nurturing.

And for someone who has struggled so much with self image issues, you are incredibly kind and generous. Amelia received your gift today for the invisible children. . . thank you for adding to my sense that there is still a lot of good out there in the world.

Twenty Four At Heart said...

I think your courage in writing about this is fantastic. And isn't the blogosphere a great place to get all the negatives out? It is therapeutic.

Bina said...

Okay, what is that book called? I think I need to read it. We seem to have similar backgrounds so I'm sure it's no wonder to you that I feel the same self-loathing. I can't love myself, and sometimes I wonder if that's why I push people away. I never feel that they REALLY care about me, just have to deal with me. I don't feel pretty, I don't feel good enough, I don't feel like a good wife or mother. You and I need to vomit this stuff together.

So, what's the name of the book?

Nothing Fancy said...

I only just discovered your blog and quite frankly...you are an amazing woman. Read your own words...your own 'about me' and you will see - you are doing things that others would never even consider.

Hang in there. Looks like you have tons of support. Count me in as another supporter.