Before I write anything more, I must say thank you to all of you for your wonderful supportive comments to my last post. From the bottom of my heart, thank you for not judging me. Your love and support is overwhelming to me. I hope that I will not lose you once you read what I have to say today....somehow I don't think I will because each one of you have shown such love and understanding in everything I have written thus far. Thank you for helping me on my journey.
What I am going to share in this post is very personal and something people don’t talk about very often or openly...at least I don't because of how ashamed I am. It’s about breast size or lack of breasts I should say. The fact is, I have never been very well endowed in the breast department and anything I did have was lost each time I breast fed. Growing up I was teased a lot for this. I always pretended that this didn't bother me but deep down inside of me it ripped my heart. I have always felt like this part of me was ugly and a defect.
While some people would never discuss or flat out say to someone, you are fat, those same people would see nothing wrong with discussing my breast size or informing me that my breasts were small, as if I didn't already know this. You would think that adults would not be as cruel as children but that is so not true.
In one serious relationship, with marriage even being talked about, he told me that he could not remain happy with me unless I had breast enlargement surgery…that the only reason he had dated me in the first place was because a mutual friend had told him that I had been considering having this done. He said that if I truly loved him and cared about his needs, I would do this. He asked me to promise him that once I got my workers compensation settlement that I would get big boobs for him. I could not go out with him, without him making comments about other women’s breasts to me and commenting to other women about their breasts and how he wished I looked like them. What really hurts is that I loved him and thought that he had loved me for me.
While dating another guy… he took it upon himself to announce at a bar one night that he was taking donations for a boob job for me…he then proceeded to pass his hat around the bar. I was beyond humiliated and ashamed. Not just over my body but how I allowed him to treat me this way. I didn’t stand up for myself and I don’t know why. Here was this person, that said how much he loved me and wanted me to marry him, but yet he could so easily point out my defects like they were a joke. What really hurts is that I continued to pretend that this didn't bother me...I either walked away or covered it up with a smile.
I shared these things with my husband for the first time last night and although he was appalled at their behavior, he was more upset that I allowed this…he wants to understand why I would let anyone treat me in this way…and he wants to know how I can see myself as defective. He wants to understand why I want to fix something, like myself, that isn't broken…at least not in his eyes.
As I struggle with my body image, I am exercising and eating healthy in an attempt to feel better about myself….yet there is nothing other than surgery that I can do about my breast size. That is a different subject that I won't get into today. I am working hard on being my authentic self…of living true to myself so that I have something real to give those around me. I continually strive to be the best wife, mother, grandma, friend and person that I can be. In order to do this, I am facing issues that stand in my way of living out my best…I am trying to figure out why my best never seems good enough for me.
The thing is I have so much compassion for everyone else…I see beauty in every person I meet. I tend to see more good in people then negative. I don’t focus on other peoples flaws, in fact I hardly notice them. Why can I not do this with myself? Why is it that I measure myself by a whole different standard...one that doesn't seem reachable? My heart and soul are screaming out for the answers to all these things. I haven’t been posting much because I am so occupied with reading and soul searching in an attempt to find answers...to fix my brokenness.
The thing is, this issue really isn’t about how I look, my weight, or the size of my body or breasts. What it comes down to is how I feel about myself. It’s about the negative messages I have been given about my body and the “inside“ me…the person that makes up “me“…it’s about me believing these messages and internalizing them in my core being…thinking this is my truth. I have based my value and worth upon these things that I believe to be true. The truth is, never in my life have I felt good enough.
I need to vomit this from my soul…all this hurt and humiliation, that comes with the self-loathing. As much as I want to figure out how it all got here, I want to figure out how to get rid of it. I don't want to be broken...I want to be able to look in the mirror and not just see the defects. I want to look in the mirror of my soul and see true inner beauty. I want to be free…to find what is true and good in me. I think what scares me the most is finding out the truth.