In our family...

In our family....we do second chances...we do grace...we do real...we do mistakes...we do I'm sorry (and I forgive you)...we do loud really well...we do hugs...we do family...we do love.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

My worst fears

Over the last many months we have been trying to reach a custody agreement over our grandchildren that we are raising, with my step daughter, without having to go through a long expensive court battle. We wanted to avoid putting our little people through any more than they have already been through. Plus the thought of having to fight our own daughter in court breaks our hearts. I have walked on egg shells for over a year, knowing that until things are legal we risk losing our little people. The fear that I have kept hidden deep in my heart has now become a reality.

This last Friday, we came to realize that we very likely don't have a choice as she has been unreasonable and unwilling to keep our original agreement. It is our lawyers recommendation that if we are willing to continue to raise our grandchildren that we should now go for full permanent custody because it is becoming more clear that she can not make decisions in the children's best interest. The original agreement had been for us to have temporary custody while she got her life together in another state and then we would hand them over to her once the children were able to transition over to her. She has done nothing to get her life together and tomorrow she will give birth to yet another baby.

We are waiting for answers from our lawyer to help us to decide what our next step should be. Over the next couple of days we will be making life altering decisions that will not only affect our little people but ourselves as well. It may be that we don't stand much of a chance in court...that when all is said and done after a long expensive court battle that we will be forced to hand them over. Would it be in the children's best interest to hand them over now?...instead of having them continue to bond with us in the year that it will most likely take for it to be over and then have to hand them over anyways?

I look at my little man and little lady and my heart screams NO...everything in me screams no but what is the right thing to do outside of our emotional attachment to these children? They have bonded with us and we with them. If you have read any of my early posts then you know the heart break we have been through and what we have given up in order to do this. They have been worth every sacrifice, every second of time that we have given, every ounce of love that we have poured into them. We have given them a normal, healthy, safe and loving home so that they have a chance for a good life. The thought of them losing this and having to watch them lose this, is our worst fear. This fear could come to be a reality in the near future.

I am at a loss of what to do right now...I keep willing myself to keep moving go through the actions of every day life but inside I am crying and scared to death of what the future holds for my little man and little lady. I cannot imagine having to hand them over before she is able to give them what they so deserve...I try not to think about it but it's pretty hard not to. This so fills my mind that I can not concentrate or focus...even writing this post is hard...trying to put words to all of this...yet I know writing will help me release it some and might help me make sense of everything in my head and heart.


Claire Marie said...

YOU MUST TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS! I am serious. If I had trusted my instincts our little guy would not have suffered as much as he has. It is a wonderful gift to have maternal instincts and it is our distinct right to use them!

Monetarily things get rough and there is also a point where these things can cause stresses in other important relationships that cannot be risked. Those are both points to carefully consider and respect.

But if you can.....go for what you feel is in the best interest of the little people you have been entrusted to care for and to bond to and who love you and your husband as their caregivers.

Hang in there my friend. This junction could be for the good in persuading all to make a final judgement or commitment to the rest of forever.

You are in my thoughts and prayers always.


Smart Mouth Broad said...

I would not begin to give you advice but will keep you in my prayers. I can't even imagine having to make this decision. It sounds like you have always put their best interests first and foremost. No doubt you will continue to do the same.

SciFi Dad said...

You have to do right by your little people. It may sound harsh, but from what you've written, it may be time for you to put them ahead of your daughter; there is more potential in them for success than her at this point. You have done enough for her already.

Realize that the majority of what happens now will not be remembered long term by them. They will only know that you cared for them; the court experience will be forgotten.

Ultimately, it's your call, though.

PS - I answered one of your suggestions from my writer's block post.

Midlife Slices said...

I get what you're saying and can't imagine having to make such a decision. I can't help you but I can pray for you. I can also make you laugh if you stop by my place, even if I have to embarrass myself to do it. Take care of you and trust in HIM. Thank you for sharing with us.

MGM said...

I'm so sorry for this extremely difficult experience. I cannot imagine what this would be like. All I can suggests is prayer for wisdom and peace in what to do. I'll support you in my own prayers for this!

Bina said...

I agree with Sci-Fi dad. If she has had this long to get her act together, knowing it would mean getting her children back, to me that means she doesn't care if she gets them back. Which means they would go from a wonderful loving home, to God knows what.

Do what you can. Those little ones need you, more than you need your daughter's love and trust right now.

I hope that's not too harsh.

D'Arcy said...

This is my parents life right now. They are working on custody, but the state of Utah is so unfair! They will constantly side with a mother who has abandoned her child, taken drugs, ignored her, abused her and any other horrific thing. My parents always live at her mercy, hoping she won't come back in to swoop the little one away, which she has done twice in the 18 months of her life, and it's always been horrific, then she always tires of her and gives her back. What is wrong with DCFS?

It almost makes me want to work there, I just never thought I would see so much apathy! But I get that it is hard, and it is, like you said, a mad mad world.

Best of luck to you, keep us updated!

Jason said...

What a nightmare. I am so sorry. I will be thinking about you and your situation. I can imagine how you must be feeling.