This has been a hard Summer for me as I have been having to do a lot of letting go. Many changes have come with this letting go and I am still adjusting to all these changes in my life. We all are still trying to adjust. It hit me pretty hard when we left my daughter and grandson on Sunday morning...it hit me even harder as I listened to my 2 year old little lady say his name over and over, while sobbing, as we drove away without her little buddy sitting next to her in our van. When we got home 8 1/2 hours later, little lady ran through the house, calling for him, and when I had to remind her that he wasn't here, that he was at his new home, she cried for him. Little man didn't cry but he told me he was very sad and that he wanted A-man to come back home. Once I got them to sleep, I broke down as I walked through our home and the reality of his absence hit me.
Change is hard. I am not really sure how to handle all this change that has come this summer. Life is different...not bad, just different, enough to not feel "right" or good yet. Until the middle of June we had 7 people living in our home, now we are down to just the 4 of us. My older children have come for their visits and gone once again and it will be at least a year before they are able to come back. This doesn't seem real...not yet anyway, but I know eventually this will become normal.
This fall will be the first time in many years that I don't have school sports to attend...all 5 of my kids were active in sports and other school activities...my falls were spent going to Friday night football games and tennis matches...my winters were spent going to basketball games and wrestling matches, my springs, were spent watching baseball and track meets...add to that music concerts, plays, art shows...ect...I loved watching my kids have fun and be part of something they loved doing. I think back to all the times I complained because I always had to be some place and just wanted to stay home for once...now, I regret feeling that way...that part of my life is over and maybe part of me isn't ready for it to be over. Let it go...
Life goes on and I have living to do. I know that feeling burned out doesn't help with trying to figure all this out. I also know that there are positive things that will come out of all these changes taking place. I know that I will learn and grow from this and that in the end, it too, will make me a wiser and better person. Right now I am just trying to find myself...trying to catch my breath...trying to live in this moment and see where all this takes me.
3 comments:
Oh honey, I'm so sorry, but I had a feeling you would be feeling this way. It's totally heart breaking and there is nothing to cure the pain but time. I have nothing to really compare this to, I only have this.
When I was 15, my mother was raising my nephew. I loved that little man! He was only about 8 years younger than me but was like my soul mate. His mother lived in Dallas and finally was making a life for herself and sent for him. I remember the day he left. My mom went to her room and bawled, and I went to my room, hugged his picture, fell to my knees on the floor and cried for what seemed like days. It took a long time get over not having him around.
I really feel sorry for the little lady. She won't understand. She is too young, but you can keep pictures out of him, or make her a little photo album for her to carry so she won't forget him. I did that for my little girl when her daddy went to Iraq. She carried it around and every day we talked about the pictures, and when her daddy came back, she still knew who he was. Just an idea.
{{{{Hugs}}}} to you AND your family. Just let it out and CRY! There is nothing like a good cry to feel better.
You know by now that I am all too familiar with the concept of family being far away. Sadly, it is sometimes a part of life, and while that offers neither solace or comfort, it is still the truth.
All of our lives are on the paths they are on. Sometimes those paths cross, and other times they diverge. It is during the latter times that we have to be strong for everyone else, as well as ourselves.
You are my hero. I was just looking at the pictures of your beautiful family and was so touched by the generosity, kindness, and dedication that you show to all of those around you, especially the little ones in your life. If more people were like you, our world would be a better place. I hope that I can be the kind of my mom to my kids that you are to yours.
www.themeanestmom.blogspot.com
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