I made it through another night. It seems these nights are lasting forever. I am so tired you would think I would sleep long and hard. Yet on the flip side the nausea, feeling extremely cold, jitters and fear of the monsters waking up, keep me awake. I finally fall asleep and the monsters come out to play in my head. I wake up in total terror with my face and head wet, thinking I must have been sleeping for hours. It's only been 20 flipping minutes.
I get up and walk around. I drink more water. I cool the sweat off with water from the sink. It isn’t long before I am freezing and covered in layers of blankets once again. I try to pretend that the uninvited thoughts are not poking at my brain. If the ugly thoughts are too loud I speak them out loud to my husband. I’ve promised him to tell him everything so that he knows what is going on with me.This seems to take their power away. He listens and confirms what I already know but yet I need to know somehow that this crazy ugly thought is just that, a crazy ugly thought. I pray. And I cry.
I cry out for just a moment of peace in all of this. I cry out because I hate being a burden and worrying my husband.
One of the most beautiful things in all of this is that this has brought us even closer. I didn’t think that was possible. He who is my monster slayer is my hero.
It’s like my heart and soul are unthawing after being numb.
My souls feelings have opened up like a flood. Somewhere along the way, of being on this medicine, I stopped crying. Except for when I pray. I’ve never told anyone this before, but most of the time, when I pray, I cry. I can’t help it. It’s been this way ever since I started praying.
I think I was born a cry baby…the kind that cries for people in general, but especially the hurting, children and the elderly. Part of my nature is to care deeply about people. Often times I am accused of caring too much. I used to cry over a commercial, just hearing a story, seeing something really beautiful, and always when seeing someone cry or hurt. That all changed when I was on this medicine and the thing is I didn’t even notice until my husband pointed it out to me.
I think I would rather cry then be numb.
My husband, my protector from the monsters, stands guard around me and is there instantly to help chase them away. Because I am still sleeping in the chair, he now sleeps in a chair next to me. Bless his beautiful soul. I tell him to sleep in the bed but he refuses. I know that he loves me and I know I would do the same for him. But, a part of me knows that he does this because he is afraid to leave me alone.
These cycles of sleeping, nightmares and sweating, horrible thoughts, crying and trying to go back to sleep continue through out the night. Early this morning little lady was woken by one of my nightmares. Guilt. She couldn’t go back to sleep and wanted to bring Franklin(our pet monster)to sleep by me so that he could keep my bad dreams away, like he does for her and her brother. Such pure sweetness.
Now she is just happy because it’s very early in the morning and it’s just her and I awake. She loves when she doesn’t have to share me. In fact, just last week, when her brother was talking about when he grows up and goes to college like his uncle JJ did, she announced that she was going to live with me for ever and ever and is excited for him to move to college so she could have me all to herself. Such cuteness that come out of her little mouth sometimes.These are the things I try to think about instead of dying.
I have dear friends who’s mother is most likely dying. She is a dear woman and so I cry out to God and bargain with him to take me instead. I know God doesn’t work this way. Yet, these thoughts of dying invade my mind frequently. I wish I could lie and say it isn’t so and even though these thoughts are not really mine, they scare me. I speak these thoughts out loud only to my husband. And now to you.
I did go to work yesterday. It was tough but it kept my mind out of the dark places some of the time. It is so much easier to care for someone else when they are going through tough times then it is myself. On my way to work, I listened to someone near and dear to me sob. It broke my heart to listen to her cry but it kept me on the road. Focusing on her kept me from focusing on the thought of driving into a semi.
I will go to work today. No I don’t want to leave my house and I feel like I have the flu but I will go because I must keep moving forward. I must keep moving through this blackness.
When I went through a really tough time after my attack, my brother gave me this magnet.
I am going through hell, and I will keep going until I am out of here. Thank you my dear brother.
Tomorrow I have an appointment with a different doctor. I pray that he can help me. I keep saying, I just have to get through this day…this moment.
I cannot even begin to tell you how much your loving supportive comments touched me. They have carried me to this next day. Thank you. I read your comments once again in the middle of the night last night. I cried as I read them. I cried because you cared enough to take time for me. Thank you. Whether you meant to or not, each one of you remind me of God’s grace & love. Thank you.
Please know, how much your friendships mean to me. I miss settling in with my cup of coffee or tea at your place. I miss you making me smile & laugh & think. I miss the places you take me with your words. I miss seeing the pictures of those sweet little one’s in your life, whether they are human or animal. I miss seeing pictures of the beauty that surrounds you. I miss how much you welcome me into your homes, in this great community of blog land.
As this new day dawns, I miss you.
Love & hugs, Lori