I went to bed last night with a heavy heart.
I seen my neck & skull injury doctor yesterday morning and he has reduced my hours of working to 2 seven hour days. He is also recommending an intense therapy for my skull & neck.
The part of me that is exhausted from the high levels of pain I’ve been in welcomes this news.
The part of me that is continuing to feel sick from my thyroid welcomes the idea of working away from home less.
A part of me is just too plain exhausted to care about anything.
Yet the knowledge of how this affects the woman I care for, our finances, and my daughter who had been caring for the little’s up until now, is breaking my heart and causing me to worry.
I feel guilty. I feel like I am letting everyone down.
I also know that all of this will come at a price. Losing hours of work and getting more treatments means more court hearings and facing the lawyer from hell. This means replaying the attack over and over in front of judges. All of this causes my nightmares to be worse.
All of this feels like one big battle.
I wonder if I am up for more?
It helps that the woman I care for is very understanding and empathetic and that she will always be my friend.
It helps that I have a husband that is super supportive and thinks that my staying home more might help me heal.
It helps that the little’s think that my being home more is super good news.
It helps that I have supportive doctors that are willing to fight for me.
It helps that we were already considering me staying home once my daughter found a job.
It’s just that we thought I would do some kind of work from home that would bring a little bit of an income. Instead we will have to table that idea until I am feeling better.
I just know that I cannot keep feeling like this. I know that I cannot keep up my Mommy duties if I am not well.
If I am truly honest with you, I would tell you that I am afraid, sad, anxious and ready to lose it.
Yet life goes on and as hard as it is to smile and see things in a positive way through the eye’s of pain, I must.
I am trying to focus on the good things that fill up my day.
I am trying to cast all of my cares upon Him.
I am reminding myself that this is just a season…that I hope passes quickly. :)
This is just a speck of a much bigger picture.
If I stop and look back at the past 48 years of my life, I am reminded that around every obstacle awaits a blessing.
Even though I am not feeling the best, we have been blessed with another beautiful fall day here in Minnesota, so I am headed out to just enjoy it.
Hope your Tuesday has been terrific. I hope it is filled up with good things that make you smile.
Until next time, love & hugs, Lori