I went to bed last night with a heavy heart.
I seen my neck & skull injury doctor yesterday morning and he has reduced my hours of working to 2 seven hour days. He is also recommending an intense therapy for my skull & neck.
The part of me that is exhausted from the high levels of pain I’ve been in welcomes this news.
The part of me that is continuing to feel sick from my thyroid welcomes the idea of working away from home less.
A part of me is just too plain exhausted to care about anything.
Yet the knowledge of how this affects the woman I care for, our finances, and my daughter who had been caring for the little’s up until now, is breaking my heart and causing me to worry.
I feel guilty. I feel like I am letting everyone down.
I also know that all of this will come at a price. Losing hours of work and getting more treatments means more court hearings and facing the lawyer from hell. This means replaying the attack over and over in front of judges. All of this causes my nightmares to be worse.
All of this feels like one big battle.
I wonder if I am up for more?
It helps that the woman I care for is very understanding and empathetic and that she will always be my friend.
It helps that I have a husband that is super supportive and thinks that my staying home more might help me heal.
It helps that the little’s think that my being home more is super good news.
It helps that I have supportive doctors that are willing to fight for me.
It helps that we were already considering me staying home once my daughter found a job.
It’s just that we thought I would do some kind of work from home that would bring a little bit of an income. Instead we will have to table that idea until I am feeling better.
I just know that I cannot keep feeling like this. I know that I cannot keep up my Mommy duties if I am not well.
If I am truly honest with you, I would tell you that I am afraid, sad, anxious and ready to lose it.
Yet life goes on and as hard as it is to smile and see things in a positive way through the eye’s of pain, I must.
I am trying to focus on the good things that fill up my day.
I am trying to cast all of my cares upon Him.
I am reminding myself that this is just a season…that I hope passes quickly. :)
This is just a speck of a much bigger picture.
If I stop and look back at the past 48 years of my life, I am reminded that around every obstacle awaits a blessing.
Even though I am not feeling the best, we have been blessed with another beautiful fall day here in Minnesota, so I am headed out to just enjoy it.
Hope your Tuesday has been terrific. I hope it is filled up with good things that make you smile.
Until next time, love & hugs, Lori
25 comments:
I think you pretty much answered it when you said you knew you couldn't keep feeling like this. That means you have to change what you're doing and that means doing less. Staying home and resting more will help you heal.
Lori, this doesn't mean you're letting anyone down - the pain is not a choice you've made. Look at it this way, you need to take care of yourself in order to take care of the people you love.
Take good care of yourself, my friend.
Jan
Sending uplifting and healing thoughts your way, my friend!!!
You are not letting anyone down any more than you would be let down if one of yours was unable to do 100% of what they had been able before through no fault of your own.
Why is it that we feel guilty for needing to be cared for? You don't send a child to school when they are unable to work. You wouldn't send your husband off to work if he had pneumonia and needed rest. Just because you might enjoy the time off work does not mean you are abusing anyone.
I think your load will feel a bit lighter if you stop thinking in terms of letting people down. It's simply not so, and it's not productive for you to think that way.
You need to take care of yourself before you can continue to fully take care of others. Think of this as a gift to them. Because that's exactly what YOU are.
Hugs to you.
Time off work, while financially difficult, will only help you heal, which in turn can only help you become the you that you want to be.
((hugs))
You have to take care of you Lori. You know this. I hate that you are burdened with the pain, the worry, and wondering what will be next.
But really, until you are feeling well, nothing else can move forward.
"I am trying to cast all of my cares upon Him."
Do this. Please.
xoxoxo
Suz
i kow the pull to provide but you do need to care for yourself...and once you are better you can do all the things you feel you need to...and i imagine they will give you grace n teh mean times..
Somehow I must have missed something - you were attacked??
I'm so sorry about all the pain and the worry. You are such a loving and kind person, you deserve to have things easier. Take care, you will be in my prayers tonight.
Lori, so sorry. But I believe this will be a good thing.
Hi Lori, regret read you having abit of problem there.
You just stay easy...no golf, no karate, no ballroom dancing, ya hear! Ha ha, just kidding.
I'm sure you'll be fine soon, and here's wising you a speedy recovery. Best regards, you keep a song in your heart, Lee.
I agree with all your other friends, Lori. Take care of yourself first and do not feel that you are letting other people down. They would want you to get well first before anything else. {{hugs}}
I'm so sorry to hear all this. It's difficult I know, but maybe it's time to allow yourself some rest in order to get better more quickly.
Hugs.
Dear Lori. Hugs and prayers being sent to you (and for you).
You have such an optimistic and uplifting, caring spirit yourself that I can understand this idea of not being able to care properly for others must bother you. It sounds like there is so much going on and a lot of it doesn't sound pleasant (legal matters and such).
I'm so sorry you are experiencing these feelings. I am also so sorry about the physical pain as well...that must make everything difficult in a way and yet I still from this post, get a sense of your beautiful personality that is so strong and just refuses to give in to these things. You don't ever write in a depressing way, you write honestly and share the reality you're in but what's especially lovely about the way you share is that you are really without self-pity at all. Such an inspiration.
Take good care of yourself and know you have many who are thinking of you.
You have lots of caring comments here my dear. I so hope for you to be able to care about yourself as much as you care about everyone else.
Oh, I am so sorry to hear about the pain you are in.
Do take care of yourself! The littles need you -- and the world needs you.
Pearl
Lori, I must have missed something. What attack? What lawyer? Please email me at bina64@gmail.com and let me know what is going on! I have been so self-absored and feeling sorry for myself for the last six months, I have missed so much!
Be kind to yourself Lori. Sometimes life simply has to slow down before it can speed up again.
Hang in there and stay strong. As always, I'm cheering you on.
xoxo jj
Get the rest you need so you can heal. Everything will work itself out!
sorry to hear about the physical and mental pain that you are going through but i can tell that you are one strong woman who can overcome any obstacles of life. thanks for sharing how you are feeling and hope my and other bloggers' posts made you feel a lil bit better.
take care!
~ash's mum
Hello my dear lady. You know...I started following your blog late so I didn't even know you were attacked? My Lord that's awful!! I don't know the details but I don't need to. You are in pain, physically and in other ways too I am sure. I am also sure you have dealt with a lot of it already. The only way you can take care of all of the outside things including the ones you love, is by taking care of Lori first. You know that. You have so much love to give to so many. I don't think I have come across a more loving woman in all of the blogs I have visited. I just got done scanning some of your posts to try and find out more information about how you were hurt and came across your princess and prince post! Oh my God is that adorable!! Only someone that loves children deeply would ever take the time to do all that. Please take care of YOU....you are worth it. Nice and easy for a little while.
Sending you a big fat ole hug *HUG HUG HUG AND HUG!* rest....it will help your healing
I just want to reach through the screen and give you the biggest hug EVER. You deserve to be well, you deserve to take care of yourself. The guilt does not serve you, it depletes your energy and you need that energy to heal. You are obviously devoted to your loved ones, let's give a little of that devotion to yourself. You have been through a lot.
Sending you love.
I've been feeling much the same way. I wonder if I'll ever lose that core of hope and finally just give up and accept life as it is and that it will never change. But, I just can't.
I've been seeing an acupuncturist for my thyroid. I have only been twice, but I hope to see better things. I'm writing about it on my health blog. He did, however, get rid of my neck pain in one visit. Maybe it's worth a try?
Lori..
you are a very dedicated person. Dedicated to all that you love and that is why you are having conflicting feelings. Think of yourself first.
Because if you are not healthy...in the long run it will affect everyone you care about more.
Feel better and rest up
I continue to look up to you. YOu are very inspiring
xo
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