Anger

I am so angry I could spit.

If you know me at all, you know it takes a lot to get me angry.

I am angry because little man stands to be hurt by someone’s selfishness.

I am frustrated that she is unable to be an adult and act in his best interest.

We can talk with her until we are blue in the face about his needs and it is like talking to the wall.

To make a long frustrating story short, until yesterday, we believed little man’s last name to be the same as ours because that is the name that was on the birth certificate that she gave us when we gained custody. This is the only name he knows. 

Upon investigating, we found out that his legal last name is that of his supposed birth father…someone that doesn’t want anything to do with him and there is a discrepancy over whether he is in fact the father…as far as we know he is in prison and his birth mother does not want him to have contact with little man because of being an unfit father. Anyone else see the irony in this?

The cat got out of the bag only because little man started school and there were some issues with the birth certificate we had. Thankfully we found this out. 

We got the papers to change his legal last name immediately and figured this would not be a big issue since my step daughter had agreed the night before that it would be in his best interest to have the same last name as his family.

We guessed wrong. She changed her mind. She decided yesterday that she doesn’t want to lose this tie with the father. What in the hell? A father she doesn’t want in his life…a father that we will one day have to explain to little man about.

We tried to help her see his pain of fitting in and his wanting to just belong. He already struggles with being different from the rest of us. Every other week he asks if some day he could look like us. And now she wants to add another thing for him to struggle with, that would set him apart from the rest of us.

And all for no good reasons or purpose.

If she had good reasons…if she could show us that this is not in his best interests…then we could stop and work things out together.

Her response to everything we talked to her about was, “I don’t care.”

How in God’s name can she not care?

Can’t he just have this happiness?

Why can’t she let them be happy?

I am so angry I have tears.

Children should not have to endure the selfishness of adults.

I have been doing “this” for over 4 years and you would think I would be used to her games. I’m not.

Does anyone have a clue to how hard we have worked to not only protect them from her but at the same time given them a relationship with her?

How hard we have prayed and cried over her? How hard we have tried to give these little one’s a happy safe family life?

When does it end? When can we breathe a sigh of relief and just be happy?

To some, it’s just a name. To my little man, it’s far more than a name…it’s about not being different and being the same as those he loves and lives with.

It really doesn’t matter to me if he were to have a different last name…he would still be my little boy and I wouldn’t love him any less…but it matters to him…and because of that it matters to us. 

We will not stop pursuing this name change because we know it’s in his best interest.

After talking with the principle, teacher and social worker, they have agreed to let him keep using the name he knows, in the classroom, as long as we are working towards making it legal.

Thank God.

My heart is raw with emotions. It’s my day off and I have not accomplished what I needed to. All I want to do is hold these little’s close to me and chase away anything or anyone that puts them in danger of getting hurt.

You would think we would need to protect them from the world the most but instead it’s from someone that is related to them…someone that should care. 

I try to focus on the good…the fact that they are safe with us…the fact that she only has supervised visits…the fact that they are so happy and healthy. Still my mother heart aches.

Until next time, love & hugs, Lori