In our family...

In our family....we do second chances...we do grace...we do real...we do mistakes...we do I'm sorry (and I forgive you)...we do loud really well...we do hugs...we do family...we do love.

Thursday, September 9, 2010


I am so angry I could spit.

If you know me at all, you know it takes a lot to get me angry.

I am angry because little man stands to be hurt by someone’s selfishness.

I am frustrated that she is unable to be an adult and act in his best interest.

We can talk with her until we are blue in the face about his needs and it is like talking to the wall.

To make a long frustrating story short, until yesterday, we believed little man’s last name to be the same as ours because that is the name that was on the birth certificate that she gave us when we gained custody. This is the only name he knows. 

Upon investigating, we found out that his legal last name is that of his supposed birth father…someone that doesn’t want anything to do with him and there is a discrepancy over whether he is in fact the father…as far as we know he is in prison and his birth mother does not want him to have contact with little man because of being an unfit father. Anyone else see the irony in this?

The cat got out of the bag only because little man started school and there were some issues with the birth certificate we had. Thankfully we found this out. 

We got the papers to change his legal last name immediately and figured this would not be a big issue since my step daughter had agreed the night before that it would be in his best interest to have the same last name as his family.

We guessed wrong. She changed her mind. She decided yesterday that she doesn’t want to lose this tie with the father. What in the hell? A father she doesn’t want in his life…a father that we will one day have to explain to little man about.

We tried to help her see his pain of fitting in and his wanting to just belong. He already struggles with being different from the rest of us. Every other week he asks if some day he could look like us. And now she wants to add another thing for him to struggle with, that would set him apart from the rest of us.

And all for no good reasons or purpose.

If she had good reasons…if she could show us that this is not in his best interests…then we could stop and work things out together.

Her response to everything we talked to her about was, “I don’t care.”

How in God’s name can she not care?

Can’t he just have this happiness?

Why can’t she let them be happy?

I am so angry I have tears.

Children should not have to endure the selfishness of adults.

I have been doing “this” for over 4 years and you would think I would be used to her games. I’m not.

Does anyone have a clue to how hard we have worked to not only protect them from her but at the same time given them a relationship with her?

How hard we have prayed and cried over her? How hard we have tried to give these little one’s a happy safe family life?

When does it end? When can we breathe a sigh of relief and just be happy?

To some, it’s just a name. To my little man, it’s far more than a name…it’s about not being different and being the same as those he loves and lives with.

It really doesn’t matter to me if he were to have a different last name…he would still be my little boy and I wouldn’t love him any less…but it matters to him…and because of that it matters to us. 

We will not stop pursuing this name change because we know it’s in his best interest.

After talking with the principle, teacher and social worker, they have agreed to let him keep using the name he knows, in the classroom, as long as we are working towards making it legal.

Thank God.

My heart is raw with emotions. It’s my day off and I have not accomplished what I needed to. All I want to do is hold these little’s close to me and chase away anything or anyone that puts them in danger of getting hurt.

You would think we would need to protect them from the world the most but instead it’s from someone that is related to them…someone that should care. 

I try to focus on the good…the fact that they are safe with us…the fact that she only has supervised visits…the fact that they are so happy and healthy. Still my mother heart aches.

Until next time, love & hugs, Lori




The Incredible Woody said...

OMG! I share your anger! My prayers are that you will be able to get this worked out!!!

Brittany said...

She is beyond rediculous. What I would say to her if I ever had the chance. Instead, like you, we bite our tongue. One day she'll have to explain her behaviors to her kids.

blueviolet said...

I am so sad to hear that you have to fight such a senseless battle! I hope this goes your way sooner rather than later. I feel so badly for him!

Stella said...

My brother, sadly, has fathered two children. With different women. He is in jail right now. His first daughter, the ones my parents raise, has our last name. I am happy for this. We are her family.

His second daughter, the one we are afraid to get too attached to because we CAN'T raise another of his children, has her mother's last name. Her mother's family is her main family.

I am happy about this.

These things are hard. But I think L.M. deserves the last name of his FAMILY!! You are his family. It will get changed, I think so.

Midlife Jobhunter said...

Oh, I'm so sorry. I hope you find some resolution here, very soon. How fortunate that boy is to have you.

Joyce A Gray said...

Lori, I am so sorry you have yet another obstacle to overcome. But I am so glad you are there to stand between those babies and those that would hurt them. Just keep the legal documents ready and one of these days she will agree. Keep the faith.

TechnoBabe said...

The school cooperating is a help isn't it? Keep on keeping on, Lori.
You are doing a great job.

Anonymous said...

Oh, Lori. Her attitude just dumbfounds me. Thank goodness the school staff is willing to continue to call him by the name he knows. I am keeping my fingers crossed that you will be able to get his name legally changed as quickly as possible.


Busy Bee Suz said...

I feel your anger and frustration...she is so selfish.
The only shining light here is the fact that he is surrounded by a loving family.
I hope things work out soon..

SciFi Dad said...

I'm sorry, Lori, but I think it's time for you to seek sole custody. She is ruining his life with her indifference and selfishness.

Brian Miller said...

so burns me up when people put their own interest before their kids...not that it should be all about them but...ridiculous..

Anonymous said...

Sorry to hear about your anger, but this too will pass.

My kids are adopted and look nothing like us. They are sad at times but I believe the best thing we can do is give them the tools to bolster their confidence and realize they are beautiful just as they are.

Garnetrose said...

I was a foster mom for several years and there are some women who should not be mothers and it sounds like your step daughter is one. A real mother always puts her kids welfare first and she is not doing that. She is not helping them at all and will only make matters worse unless she grows up and takes responsibility for her actions and beyond all else, does what is right for her kids.

My kids are adopted but they do look like my husband and I. People often think they are not. I have had people tell my youngest she is the spitting image of me while my eldest looks like my aunt. But it is so hard on them too cause they know they are adopted and their mothers were horrid examples of what a mother should be. Kids do not forget that. They will not forget how she has treated them.

Garnetrose said...

BTW..bless you for loving them. *s*

slommler said...

I am so sorry for this pain that is being inflicted upon you and the kids! Especially Little Man! I would be very angry as well. I will pray for this situation and hope it comes around for his sake.
Hugs to you all

Colleen: said...

Oh Lori...what a trying thing to go through. It must be so frustrating and sometimes just so mind-numbing as well to have to deal with someone like that. I don't get game players at all. I am so sorry you have to struggle with this, you don't deserve the hassle.
Praying for you my dear. Hoping you find some much earned peace and quiet and resolution soon...
Love Colleen

Ash said...

so sorry that you're going through this stupid issue which shouldn't be happening at the first place. this woman is being so unreasonable but i really hope all will work out in the favour of your family.

warm hugs,
ash's mum

shortmama said...

I feel so awful for him! Poor sweety just wants to feel included! Praying she has a change of heart

Jeannie said...

I feel deeply for you and totally get your anger.

What if you double barrelled his name - add your last name legally but not hyphenated - so he can retain both - but he can use your last name alone? Is something like that possible? Perhaps the step daughter is marginally right to let the little man keep his connection to his other blood line if not to his father specifically. He may one day want to know that other side even though his mother wanted nothing to do with it. If it turns out there is no genetic connection with that side, he would have the legal right to drop the name I'm sure when he is an adult.

Shrinky said...

Oh Lori, some folk simply don't know how to love, they are too blinded by their own selfishness. I am so sorry she has this power over you and yours. It is not right, it is not fair, and it is a howling disgrace. Whatever the outcome, your little boy will weather it, and come out strong and safe - with you standing in his corner, how can he not? You are his guardian angel, thank God.

Buckeroomama said...

That is really frustrating! I pray that she'll do the right thing...sooner rather than later.

Kit Kat said...

I hope that this works out and you can get his name changed. "I don't care" should not be part of a parent's vocabulary! This makes me so angry too! Sometimes I wish you really could slap sense into people...

bernthis said...

I share your anger. I have been divorced close to six years and sometimes I wonder when he will just leave me the hell alone.

Those kids deserve the best and they got that in you. Stick to your guns (I know you will) we're all here to support you

Hilary said...

I'm so sorry that you and your family are going through this. Irrational, uncaring stubbornness is very difficult to fight. Just a thought.. could the last name which appears on his certificate legally become his middle (and usually unused) name, in order to satisfy your step-daughter's desire to keep the connection, while your own surname becomes his own?