In our family...

In our family....we do second chances...we do grace...we do real...we do mistakes...we do I'm sorry (and I forgive you)...we do loud really well...we do hugs...we do family...we do love.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

My Time Is Not My Own

When I seen that this weeks topic for Jen’s Spin Cycle, was on the topic of time, my first thought was, I don’t have enough of it. I have so much going on that there is never enough time to get everything done, let alone do things that I would like to do…like writing in my blog, or writing in general and reading the blog’s of all you people, that have become my friends, that I care about and learn from…and who are my connection to the outside world.

There are small moments of time that I get to read and even smaller moments when I have the opportunity to write. I have considered shutting down this blog recently because no matter how hard I try to fit everything into my day’s, it seems I run out of time. And when I do finally find the time, I am purely exhausted and my brain cannot think…and then I am sad because all day, the one thing I looked forward to outside of my family, was writing and reading what you all wrote.

I pray for these moments, like right now, that I get this moment to write…even though there are a hundred things I should probably be doing instead. The thing is, it takes me hours to write something…anything…because of all the interruptions…because I have other things going at the same time…but mostly because of how my brain works. Which means trying to put lots of moments, here and there together, to write one post. I have shared with you that I have a neck and skull injury but something I haven’t shared is that I also had a minor brain injury caused from my assault. I don’t talk about this very much because I am ashamed. I don’t want this to be another excuse or roadblock in my following my dreams or to having connections with other people.

My brain no longer works like it did before my injury. I have had a hard time accepting this…more so than the pain. I have learned how to live with this fact but it’s something I struggle with every day. I have to leave myself notes for everything and even then I still forget. My memory and my ability to concentrate, especially when there is any noise(and with children, there is noise),are two things I battle every single day. Keeping my brain on track and taking words from my brain and putting them down onto paper or the computer is another battle. Add being interrupted in the middle of putting my thoughts down, into the mix and you have the reason why it takes me so long to write. Being in pain and exhausted does not help. It is frustrating but I refuse to give up.

My time is not my own. From the time my little people wake up(which is early) and until they go to bed, my day’s are filled up with caring for them, working at my personal care attendant job, making meals, keeping our home livable, keeping us in clean clothes and spending time with my husband. Some day’s I do the bare minimum just to keep up but it never seems like it is enough…like there is never enough of me to go around.

I know that spending time and being in the moment with my family is far more important than anything I will do in my day. I hurry through all the work I have to do so that there will be these moments that I can spend with them. To them, there is never enough time with me. To me, this time with them goes way too fast and I know that before we know it, they will have grown up.

These are the moments I want time to stand still. I know this from experience with my now grown up children. The memories I have of the time I spent with them growing up, are my most treasured happy memories. Now that they are gone far away, all I want is time with them. When I am fortunate to get time with any of them, as I have had recently with a couple of them, I cherish every second. I want to freeze these moments of time with these incredible people, that are called my children.

Here I am with these little people that I love like my own, with the most wonderful man on this earth. I save my best for them. They are worth every second of time that I invest in them. I know this without a doubt. I was reminded of this tonight, when, in the middle of reading and cuddling my little lady, she looked up at me and said out of the blue, “I love you.”

At the end of the day, when all is said and done, I have run out of the unexhausted, “best of me” time. I am empty and long to still have a piece of me left over so that I can pursue this writing that I love. Sometimes I am blessed to find a piece or two left and if I am really lucky, my brain cooperates. In the big picture, I know that this time of having my day’s filled up, is just for a season…I know that where I spend my time…my “best of me” time is being spent where it matters and with people that matter the most.

For now, I plan on keeping this blog. When you don’t see new posts by me or see me around your place, please know it’s not because I am not interested in what you have to say. Just know it’s because my brain is not functioning at it’s best or that I have run out of time, because for now,my time is not my own.

To read more spins on Time, go to Sprite’s Keeper and check out the Spin Cycle.


The Incredible Woody said...

Oh please, please, please keep the blog up and running. You are always such a gentle ray of sunshine - so full of love and support. You amaze me every time I read something new. Sending many moments of peace and clarity your way!!

SciFi Dad said...

The challenge for any blogger that is also a parent is finding the time to do everything. Sometimes, the less important stuff (the blog, the people inside the computer) get second fiddle, perhaps even ignored completely for a period. That's life. It's up to you to decide your balance.

Annette said...

I agree completely with the Incredible Woody and SciFi Dad. Blogging can be enjoyable, rewarding and therapeutic. But I think it can also become stressful by the pressure we put on ourselves to post regularly. Perhaps make an agreement with yourself to post less often and maybe that will take some pressure away. We can wait. We won't go anywhere. Just please don't shut down.

Twenty Four At Heart said...

I think a lot of bloggers struggle with this. I know I've been called some not so nice things because I don't make my way around the blogosphere as much as many bloggers do. I do try to visit other blogs and I do try to leave comments, but I don't have as much time as I'd like for it. I HAVE to dedicate most of my time to my recovery. I know many people interpret that negatively, but oh well. Each of us can only do the best we can with the lives we have. I have to spend many hours a day trying to keep my body functioning. I also have kids to care for and a home to maintain. There are only so many hours in each day. Whatever you decide to do to maintain your own ideal balance - I support!!

Sprite's Keeper said...

You know, it's those bloggers who don't update every day with a gazillion words that I admire. I think, "Wow, that person is living life right now." Blogging does take time, but time is precious and must be rationed to the more important things first. Update when you want. We'll be here. Great Spin and something we all think about! You're linked!

Anonymous said...

Lori, if you write the way you do with a less than perfect functioning brain......I'm in total awe of your abilities.

I'm always so impressed by everything you write. If you take some time off, that's fine, but please come back. I, for one.....would miss you terribly.


Laura said...

I've been thinking lately about stopping blogging, too, but have decided to change the intensity. But while I have the humdrum variety of life's pressures it seems that sometimes it is hard to always want to share oneself, or delve into oneself, or even, for the introverts among us, to share other people's lives. Blogging is such a different kind of writing than that solitary pursuit that it require a different mental and emotional state.

All the best to you--always.

Anonymous said...

I love reading your blog!

My time stopped being my own on February 21, 1997 - the day I became a mother. I wouldn't have it any other way!

Busy Bee Suz said...

You have accomplished such feats for someone who has so many battle wounds. You really amaze me, the more I get to know you....I think I would be curled up in a corner drooling with all you have to do on a daily basis.
I really love reading about your life, your thoughts. But, I totally understand that you have priorities...and you are stretched THIN.
Take care....I wish I could give you a rest...clean your house...entertain those kids for a few deserve a break. :)
Hugs, suz

SSG said...

Lori, you are such an inspiration. You are truly great in the old sense of the word. When you say "but it never seems like it is enough…like there is never enough of me to go around" I think you are so generous to share some of yourself with us, your readers. I really appreciate it. thank you.

(And sending loads of (((((((hugs))))))

Jan said...

A brain injury? Good heavens, woman - if I weren't in awe of you before, I am now.

Blogging is my connection to the outside world, too - I simply have too much going on to have any sort of a social life, so I have an idea of what you're talking about. I also agree with 24@Heart - I don't have the time I would like to visit every blog that I'd like and comment ever day, so I do what I can. You do what you can, dear, but please don't take the blog down unless you have to.

I'd miss you so. You have no idea.

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

It's always about balance, yes? Keep the blog, please. I would miss you so much.

My rule - I read what I can when I can and write when I can. When it fels like work more than leisure, I walk away from the computer.

Tricia said...

Great post. It's so difficult to find balance between that which we must do, want to do and love to's like a little miracle when those things all align. When blogging feels like work, walk away, we'll all still be here when you return. If anything, writing is a great outlet for the moments in time you do get to capture as your own, and we love to read what you have to say.

Camille said...

I'm amazed to hear of your head injury---what a struggle that must be! I'm glad you decided to keep the blog up for now. Dead blogs always make me sad.

Stacy (the Random Cool Chick) said...

I've just come across your blog via Sprite's are amazing! Time is a precious commodity - and sometimes it's hard to prioritize things to make sure you utilize those precious moments effectively. I admire your strength, and hope that you'll stick around for a while - and even if you decide to take a break, we'll all still be here for you! :)

Smart Mouth Broad said...

I really hope that you won't give up your blog. It seems to provide a great release for you. A place to vent and reflect. Take the pressure off yourself to post regularly. Do it when you can, when you need to, or when you want to. That would be my advice. I love coming here and being lifted. Your words are always full of love and inspiring.