My Time Is Not My Own

When I seen that this weeks topic for Jen’s Spin Cycle, was on the topic of time, my first thought was, I don’t have enough of it. I have so much going on that there is never enough time to get everything done, let alone do things that I would like to do…like writing in my blog, or writing in general and reading the blog’s of all you people, that have become my friends, that I care about and learn from…and who are my connection to the outside world.

There are small moments of time that I get to read and even smaller moments when I have the opportunity to write. I have considered shutting down this blog recently because no matter how hard I try to fit everything into my day’s, it seems I run out of time. And when I do finally find the time, I am purely exhausted and my brain cannot think…and then I am sad because all day, the one thing I looked forward to outside of my family, was writing and reading what you all wrote.

I pray for these moments, like right now, that I get this moment to write…even though there are a hundred things I should probably be doing instead. The thing is, it takes me hours to write something…anything…because of all the interruptions…because I have other things going at the same time…but mostly because of how my brain works. Which means trying to put lots of moments, here and there together, to write one post. I have shared with you that I have a neck and skull injury but something I haven’t shared is that I also had a minor brain injury caused from my assault. I don’t talk about this very much because I am ashamed. I don’t want this to be another excuse or roadblock in my life...to following my dreams or to having connections with other people.

My brain no longer works like it did before my injury. I have had a hard time accepting this…more so than the pain. I have learned how to live with this fact but it’s something I struggle with every day. I have to leave myself notes for everything and even then I still forget. My memory and my ability to concentrate, especially when there is any noise(and with children, there is noise),are two things I battle every single day. Keeping my brain on track and taking words from my brain and putting them down onto paper or the computer is another battle. Add being interrupted in the middle of putting my thoughts down, into the mix and you have the reason why it takes me so long to write. Being in pain and exhausted does not help. It is frustrating but I refuse to give up.

My time is not my own. From the time my little people wake up(which is early) and until they go to bed, my day’s are filled up with caring for them, working at my personal care attendant job, making meals, keeping our home livable, keeping us in clean clothes and spending time with my husband. Some day’s I do the bare minimum just to keep up but it never seems like it is enough…like there is never enough of me to go around.

I know that spending time and being in the moment with my family is far more important than anything I will do in my day. I hurry through all the work I have to do so that there will be these moments that I can spend with them. To them, there is never enough time with me. To me, this time with them goes way too fast and I know that before we know it, they will have grown up.

These are the moments I want time to stand still. I know this from experience with my now grown up children. The memories I have of the time I spent with them growing up, are my most treasured happy memories. Now that they are gone far away, all I want is time with them. When I am fortunate to get time with any of them, as I have had recently with a couple of them, I cherish every second. I want to freeze these moments of time with these incredible people, that are called my children.

Here I am with these little people that I love like my own, with the most wonderful man on this earth. I save my best for them. They are worth every second of time that I invest in them. I know this without a doubt. I was reminded of this tonight, when, in the middle of reading and cuddling my little lady, she looked up at me and said out of the blue, “I love you.”

At the end of the day, when all is said and done, I have run out of the unexhausted, “best of me” time. I am empty and long to still have a piece of me left over so that I can pursue this writing that I love. Sometimes I am blessed to find a piece or two left and if I am really lucky, my brain cooperates. In the big picture, I know that this time of having my day’s filled up, is just for a season…I know that where I spend my time…my “best of me” time is being spent where it matters and with people that matter the most.

For now, I plan on keeping this blog. When you don’t see new posts by me or see me around your place, please know it’s not because I am not interested in what you have to say. Just know it’s because my brain is not functioning at it’s best or that I have run out of time, because for now,my time is not my own.

To read more spins on Time, go to Sprite’s Keeper and check out the Spin Cycle.