In our family...

In our family....we do second chances...we do grace...we do real...we do mistakes...we do I'm sorry (and I forgive you)...we do loud really well...we do hugs...we do family...we do love.















Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Something to Smile About

My time here on the computer has become even more sporadic then it was before. I miss it...I miss writing more than anything. I miss getting around to visiting you more often... but I keep thinking(and praying)that soon, I will get my life to be more manageable and it will allow me time for myself, in this way.

Since I quit smoking, I have been facing my giants head on. I've come to realize that if I don't face these things, and make some changes in me, I will eventually start back smoking again. I've quit before and it's the same things that keep sucking me back in. If I don't learn to face my fears without hiding behind a cigarette...if I don't learn to deal with my stress in a better way then with smoking...if I don't learn to deal with my emotions and start expressing them, whether it be anger, sadness, hurt or frustration, without stuffing them down with a cigarette...if I don't find new ways to reward myself or to celebrate without a cigarette...if I don't, eventually I will go running back to them, just like I've always done. I don't want to keep doing this.

Fighting giants can get pretty ugly. Stopping myself in the midst of a sweaty battle and taking a good look at my reflection in the muddy waters, I tell myself to keep moving forward. I can get pretty stinky some days. I don't always like what I am seeing in myself. I don't always like anyone around me either. Seriously, I am serving up a bowl of pissed off soup with this shit sandwich. Some days I don't know if I am coming or going. Inch by inch, step by step, I am living without smoking. I am living and breathing without a cigarette in my mouth to help me do it. Amen.

Every other time that I've quit, I never addressed these things. In the past, I quit for my children, and my grandchildren because they wanted me to. I quit, but deep down I knew I would go back eventually. This time, I quit for me. This time, except for the two little people, my children and grandchildren don't even know that I've quit. I didn't tell them yet, because I know they are tired of being disappointed when I started up again. Sometimes they do read this blog, but most of the time, they are too busy. Remarkably, they are not smokers and even though they hate my smoking, they have never been mean to me about it and have done nothing but support me in quitting. This time, I want them to come to know that I quit for me and that it's different this time. But, only time will tell...I just don't want to disappoint them.

I really do have these remarkable children. In spite of the imperfect mother that I am, they have become these great young adults...who, if I knew them outside of being their mother, would want to be their friend. Each of them, are so amazingly different from one another. Yet, each of them make me feel so loved and honored...more loved and honored than I feel that I deserve. Each of them, have given me the gift of grace, time and time again. And without them, I would not be here.

Even though these days have been on the hellish side of life, I have seen rays of sunlight shining through. Every day I wake up to these smiles...
It's these smiles, that are the last thing I see before I go to work(usually)...it's these smiles, that greet me every day upon my return from work...it's these smiles that I see, most of the time, just before bed...it's these smiles, that keep reminding me not to smoke and why I'm not.
They give me something to smile about every day...just looking at them, makes me smile.
Last weekend, my brother, who is my best Friend(well, besides my husband)watched the little people for the weekend so my husband and I could have a break for a night. He even took them to a Minnesota Twins baseball game! They had a blast and so did he. I think they tired him out! He is getting married in October to this really great woman and they hope to have children. They will make the best parents but until they do, I tell them they can borrow ours whenever they want!
Last, but not least, my little A man (2 year old grandson),is getting to come for a very short unexpected visit this weekend!!! His other grandparent's have a wedding in our area and they asked if we would like to have him for the weekend. Are you kidding me? We can hardly wait!
So the 3 little trouble makers will get to have some fun together while I chase them around and hopefully get some pictures of their trouble making. And believe me when I say, these 3 know how to get into trouble together!




27 comments:

SSG said...

What lovely photos and smiles, I bet they can get up to a lot of mischief!
I think you are a great mother, grandmother, friend, relation, even stranger in the street. You're a very determined woman, and very courageous to fight the giants head-on and not turning back to cigarettes.

Jan said...

What SSG said!

Really, Lori, you need to give yourself more credit. You are a superb mother and have the kids to prove it.

As for the smoking - you CAN do it! Especially since you're doing it for the right reason this time. All of your readers are so proud of you!

SciFi Dad said...

I'm glad you're getting another little troublemaker for the weekend; it sounds like you could use the distraction. Sometimes you need to take a break from battling giants.

Jeannie said...

You are doing so well!

As for your kids - they know who you are and believe me - if they are honouring you, you do deserve it.

Busy Bee Suz said...

I am so happy that you are fighting the good fight with the smoking...you are doing great.
Love those kiddos...so cute and how nice to have a night OFF. Have fun with the A man. ;)

LPC said...

Hey, has anyone ever told you that the little guy of your little ones has your brother's eyes?

nothingfancy1 said...

What terrific photos and smiles!!!

Good for you for quiting smoking...I KNOW you can do it. In just the short while I've been reading your blog...I've been impressed with you. You strike me as a woman who can do anything she sets her mind to. You go, girl!

Bina said...

I am so impressed with your non-smoking. If you want to do it, you will. That's all it takes and you are proving it.

I'm so glad you get to see your grandson! I bet those three WILL get in to some trouble, and I can't wait to hear about it!!!

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

I love their face paints.

You are a wonderful mother, grandmother, friend, wife and blogger!

Swampy said...

You just keep fighting those GIANT cigarettes so that you can live "cancer-free" and enjoy those beautiful grandkids.

Tricia said...

You deserve every bit of love and honor you receive from your family, especially the kind you're giving to yourself!

HeatherPride said...

Good luck with this!! You can do it, hang in there! I'm proud of you!

Sprite's Keeper said...

I am so proud of you! You're still going strong and facing those obstacles so you can overcome them and never have to face them again. Bravo! And the last picture? There's trouble in numbers, but at least they'll look cute doing it!

LiLu said...

I don't want to meet the person who could say "No" to those smiles! :-)

Life with Kaishon said...

It is amazing how much the kids have grown in the few short months that I have known you! Absolutely amazing : ).

I know you can conquer this demon!

bernthis said...

You can do it,you can do it!. Keep it up Lori. YOu are incredibly brave and promise you it seems like hell in the hallway but you will make through to the other side.

LaRae said...

I have been thinking and worrying about you. I know I don't understand what you are going through because I've never quit smoking, but I am addicted to sugar and I have tried to go without sugar and holy cow, I get the sugar shakes………and I am sure your shakes are 10 times worse. It occurred to me today that it helped me to replace the time I was eating treats with a new activity or hobby. I chose Yoga. Even though I’m not good at it, I like it because it gives me a feeling of well being and helps me forget how much I want to binge on sugary treats. I have heard others say that it helps them too to replace a bad habit with a good one. God bless!

Fragrant Liar said...

Um, so you think your smoking was like medication for you? Kinda like xanax?

Seriously, you are doing a great job, and maybe it doesn't seem like it all the time, especially when you're craving a cancer stick, but you can do this, and once you get past a certain point, you'll feel a lot better and have less-to-zero cravings. So I'm told.

Great pics and cute grammababies. :)

Twenty Four At Heart said...

I'm proud of you for working on the smoking. My heart is breaking lately as one of my readers is going thru a terrible battle with lung cancer. Breaks my heart. I wish you nothing but success - I know it's not easy.

steppinthru said...

Hang in there, Lori. As evidence from the comments above, you have a lot of people who are with you all the way on this journey. We are proud of you and have confidence that this time you will succeed in quitting.
Thank God for Uncles! Looks like he was having fun too.
Enjoy your little grandson while he's with you. The three of them will have so much fun together.

midlife slices said...

I'm so glad you got to get away for a much needed and deserved night alone with your husband.

Have fun with the kids and be kind to yourself. HUGS

Laura said...

I guess it is about internal growth. No matter how much someone tells us something, until we feel it, we don't believe it. I'm so glad that you can analyze so clearly why you smoke and visualize so clearly why you want to stop. All the strength to you!

Midlife, menopause, mistakes and random stuff... said...

Darlin that's two of the cutest little pusses I've seen in forever!! I would be hard to have a bad day with those smiles around girl :)
Mine are all grown and I'm about to be a first time grandparent to the 21 year old. I wonder every single day where the time went (but I do know where the gray hair came from lol).
Awesome for you with the "smoking"....I can't seem to totally kick it altogether. I blame Jack Daniels......

Steady On
Reggie Girl

Kathryn Magendie said...

Look at those bright shining faces!

(and give yourself a break - do that for me? --hugs to you...)

Smart Mouth Broad said...

You can do it, friend. And you're a great mom to these kids and your grown kids too. I just wish you could see yourself as the rest of us see you. Hugs!

D'Arcy said...

They are getting so grown up!

I am SO SO SO proud of you. I can't even express how proud I am. You continue to amaze me my dear friend. All my love and happy thoughts and encouragement are being sent your way!

♥ Braja said...

Lori...You're doing SO well...go easy on yourself...
love to you
x