I Am Beautiful Like Me.

Wicked Step Mom, Amy from Five Flower Mom and Tricia from Shout have worked together to start a beauty campaign called “I am not beautiful like you, I am beautiful like me.” Their goal is to
teach the next generation about true beauty and self confidence.
And to help girls and boys to have a better self image and to stand up for beauty in all forms.

From a personal stand point, if you have young children in your life, I would high recommend taking a look at this issue now, so that you can set a precedence while they are still young and forming their self image…before they can be negatively affected, like my children were/are, from growing up with a parent that has a negative self image.

Every 2 weeks there will be a new topic related to this issue. This weeks topic is on how our self image affects our children. My story is more about what not to do than anything else. This is my story...

Back in September, I began to take a deeper look at my struggles with my negative self-image. As I researched this topic in order to find some answers, it was suggested that I take a week and observe myself. My eyes were opened up to my daily habits, the way I think, my negative self talk, the way I looked at other people as compared to myself and just how much these things filtered what I saw in the mirror…whether it be seeing too small of breasts, or not being thin enough. Even more so, my eyes were opened up more than ever before, to the affect this issue of low self-image, had on my children, especially my daughters, who are now grown. It also made me realize that my little people would be affected in much the same ways, if I didn't make personal changes now.

Much of my life has been spent in self-loathing and struggling to accept myself…struggling to accept my body. It is an ugly thing that eats at your soul and steals away the joy of living. When this is the filter through which you view the world, it affects everything. When I was in my early teens and even into my 20’s, and was starving myself and making myself vomit, and over exercising, I didn’t really understand what I was doing to myself. Reality is, I didn’t get help when I should have. When you choose, like I did, to not do something about it and instead pretend it doesn’t exist, I hurt those I love most in the world…mostly my children but I know this issue has also affected my husband.
　
I never intended to hurt them. I never intended to affect them with my negative self-image. I intended on making them feel better about themselves than I did, while growing up. I intended to address this issue by talking to them about all the right things. I talked to my children about feeling good about themselves. I constantly told them they were beautiful. I talked about the importance of inner beauty…about “who” they are on the inside…that how they were on the inside mattered more than what they looked like on the outside. We talked about loving ourselves for who we are. We talked about it all. I was trying to give my children something I didn’t have. Those were my good intentions but that is not what they heard.

I am sorry to say, none of those “good talks” are what they heard at all. What they heard was all the negative self talk that came out of my mouth when I wasn’t talking to them…when I didn’t think they were listening or paying attention. It was my actions that spoke louder than words…it was them watching me not eat and exercising for hours…it was hearing me make jabs at myself daily with negative words that tore myself down…that focused on my outside image. I was a hypocrite. I preached to them one way, but lived another. It was the small subtle messages that in filtered our daily lives. The very thing I wanted to spare my children from, was what I inflicted upon them. Ultimately my message to them was that they too would fall short of the standards of beauty if they were fat, small breasted or not pretty.

In not modeling a healthy self-image for my children, I hurt them. Children are like sponges, they soak up what is around them. What they see and hear…not just directly to them but indirectly in the messages we give them by our tone of voice, the conversations we have when we think they are not listening…in the tv shows we have on, the magazines we buy, the phone calls that they over hear while playing or in our over focus on physical appearance.
　
Even though it was not my intention to negatively affect my children, it has affected them nonetheless, because they grew up in this environment, in which negative self talk was normal. I specifically asked my daughters today, how growing up with me having a low self image, affected them. I asked them to be honest with me. This is what they said to me…

My youngest daughter said…“I guess from as far back as I can remember I have hated something about me. I remember thinking about food, exercise and being thin since I was a little girl. I have always struggled and fluctuated with my weight up and down. Its hard to hear your mom say she is "heavy" or "fat" when you see that she isn’t. Its even harder to hear, when you know you weigh more then she does. She never called me fat or made comments directly, but indirectly it makes you self conscious about your body. My whole life I have seen a beautiful woman pick apart her body, and now I see it in myself too. What is the ideal weight? What is the ideal shape? When will we be satisfied?”

My eldest daughter, who is also a mother to an almost 10 year old girl said…“I think that the kicker for me was when my daughter asked me the other day if I had low self esteem. I asked her what does she mean and why would she ask that. She said, " Well mom you always talk about how fat and ugly you are when we all know that you are not, so I think that you have low esteem." I never thought about how my actions were effecting her, now I know that they do. I guess I was so used to hearing things like that, that I never thought anything of it. She put me in my place and I now realize that if I don't want her to be like me and you guys, I have to stop talking like that (at least around her). It is hard. I know that I do not have a good self image. I do not blame you totally and by blame I mean I don't think you intentionally put that in our heads just like I didn't with my daughter, but it happened and now we have to figure out how to fix it and not continue on with this pattern of distorted self image.”

My middle daughter talked about this...I'm not quite sure how to start, but I guess how I look at it is your self image was modeled to us, as we were growing up and has been instilled in us, whether we want it to be or not. Insecurity, may be a big one and not being able to verbalize positive things about yourself. Not being able to recognize good in you and wanting to hear it from others and waiting to be reaffirmed from others, instead of yourself. Characteristics like that, I catch myself falling into. Basing yourself off of others, instead of depending on yourself.
　
The truth of their words, hits me to my core. There is no denying that I have negatively impacted my daughters, whether I intended to or not. My negative self-image was the breeding ground for their insecurities. Even though I am much better today, I still have a long ways to go. I am determined to put this issue to death. To start embracing my beauty so that I can stop passing this curse on to those that I love. I do not want my little people growing up in an environment in which they hear distorted messages of beauty. I do not want to be a hypocrite. I want my actions and daily words to match up with the message of beauty that I try to convey to my little people. It all begins with me…then and only then can I give them something that I too, embrace.

Please take time and check out the other posts written today on this topic of how our self-image affects our children.

In addition to WickedStepMom and myself, check out these bloggers who also committed to posting today and sharing their topical thoughts:
Amy at Five Flower Mom
Tricia at Shout
Lisa at Use Your Wisdom
Cate at Nature’s Child
Lisa at Crazy Adventures in Parenting
Jen at The Story of Us
Also, for a moving visual essay and commentary, read Suffering for Beauty at MomGrind.

You can also check out the Beautiful like me project home page.