It has been over a week since I posted due to the fact that we were in the car driving non-stop for 36 hours to get to Florida from Minnesota. We made the trip in 36 hours because we pushed it. We only stopped for gas and ate in the car. My little people were excellent travelers...they did way better then we anticipated. I was already exhausted from sleep deprivation and the stress of evils visit before we even started our drive away from home, but the sense of relief that I felt gave me the adrenaline to keep trucking along. The home we have rented for our stay here is simply beautiful and feels like a sanctuary.
Being here in this new environment has been most wonderful for all of us. My little people are almost back to normal, if there is such a thing as normal. Most of the whining, tantrums, baby voices and behaviors they were displaying from evils visit are gone. They love seeing their aunties, uncles and cousin and are looking forward to the rest of our family, that will be flying in, in the next couple of days. Yesterday morning little lady slipped on one of her books in the kitchen and sprained her ankle. This has interrupted things a bit in that we now have to carry her around everywhere.
Being here, still feels like a dream to me. I am enjoying every second that I get with my children and grandchildren and of course with my husband. This is my focus as I visit this place of many beautiful people. Everywhere I look there are perfect looking people with perfect bodies. It is hard for me to not be jealous...it is hard not to beat myself up over it. I have not let this stop me from putting my swimsuit on. This is big for me. I keep thinking about the things you have all shared with me and use it to give myself courage to keep taking the steps I need to take.
I am trying to take a step back from working or focusing on my issues, while I am here, and just observe and listen. I want to enjoy this time of taking a break from everyday life and not be focusing on what I am not or what I want to be...I want to let go of this ideal I hold in my mind of what I should look like and accept that there are things that I cannot change no matter how hard I try. Self acceptance is a hard wall to climb but one I will conquer.
Beauty is skin deep...I want to be so much more than that...and if I just stop for one moment and listen to my loved ones around me, then I would hear what they have been saying to me all along...that they see me as beautiful inside and out, right now. The fact that my husband and each one of my children think so highly of me, should speak loud and clear to me...instead of focusing on all that I think I am not, I need to be focusing on all that they think I am, right here and right now.