In taking a step back and just observing myself and my life, over the last couple of weeks, I came to see things in myself that I don’t quite know how to deal with, let alone change. One of the things I realized is that I tend to do a lot of things, not because I necessarily want to, but because I like and want to keep everyone happy. I tend to believe that other’s know better than me or are right and I am wrong. I focus on other people’s happiness…what will make the other person happy…what they want me to do, which in my mind is something we all do at times and there is nothing wrong with putting other’s first. Except that I tend to do this all of the time.
Somewhere along the road I lost myself. This is something I have done without thinking and it’s been a habit for a long time. I am not sure how or why I am this way, just that it is something that I do without thinking. All I know is that I came to see that I sacrifice a little piece of myself, every time I do it. I came to see how much I put other’s in control of my happiness and how this has sucked me dry. I came to see that by just assuming that other’s are right and I am wrong, is saying that I am less then they are. The price I have paid for this, is that I have missed out on things I wanted to do and later live with regrets…the price I pay is that I am not living my own life, I am living my life for other's.
The thing is, I don’t speak up for myself. I let other people dictate what I should do and I do it, even if I don’t agree with them and even if it means that I end up paying for it in other ways. I don’t know why I don’t stand up for myself…why I sit idly by and just suck it up…swallow my feelings and my thoughts. I don’t know why I focus so much on making everyone happy around me…even those I don’t know, to such an extent that I am left feeling empty and sad. Is it because I want them to like me? To love me?
As I stand back now, rewinding back to last weekend, as I scurried around, waiting on everyone, constantly “doing”, making sure everyone was happy and having a good time, I didn’t stop once and consider that I wasn’t having a good time. I missed out on doing some of the things I really wanted to do, all because it felt like it was better in the bigger picture if I didn’t. All because I don’t want to be selfish or be an inconvenience to those that I love or to anyone for that matter. All because “peace at all cost” has been my unspoken motto for a lot of my life and doing this “dance” for peace seems easier then speaking the truth and better for all those around me.
Of course, I was happy in the sense that I was with the people that I love the most in this world. Of course, I made the best of things, and still had some moments of fun. Of course, because I can choose to turn off my feelings and have fun in spite of what is going on around me. I do get enjoyment from seeing other’s happy and having a good time. I do enjoy serving other’s…I really do. But, in the end, all of this has left me exhausted and empty and sad for what I missed out on while I was “doing” for everyone else…while I was doing the peace waltz and leaving myself behind.
Somehow I have to stop this. Somehow I have to break these habits that I know are not healthy and find some balance. I want to find the truth about myself. I need to go back and pick myself up and start living...not just for other's but myself too. I think what scares me is that I don't want to lose the giving part of me...the part of me that cares about other's...the part that loves and forgives...because I truly think that these are some of the things that are part of me. I think what scares me the most is getting through all these peices of me and putting them in the right places...and then once the peices are all in place, knowing how to live for me, without hurting those around me.