Very much alive

I have been thinking about my life lately...the many roads that I have walked that have brought me here, to this place. In all honesty, I shouldn't be here...I should be 6 feet under. Honestly. I lived like there was no tomorrow. I played with death like it was my friend. I lived on the edge. With all the bad choices I made...all the crap I put into my body...and add in the choices that other people in my life made, that directly affected me, and it totally amazes me that I am here. Alive. Not just alive, but very happy alive.

I reflect on the years that I spent battling an eating disorder...years before there was an actual name for it...starving myself and making myself vomit. I think about the years that I ate drugs like they were candy, all for the sake of being high and numbing myself to life. For many years I got high every day not just because I wanted to but because my body...my mind "needed" them to get through the day.

I remember the days of cutting...cutting up my arms...my legs...my body...just to feel...yet to punish myself. These were the days that I thought about death daily...my death...planning it, trying to end it but failing. I remember my friend that shot himself as I was walking up the stairs in his house, to get him for school...which leads me to remember the other friends that died by choice or by the way we lived. I think about all the guys that I allowed to abuse me because I thought it was okay...I thought I somehow deserved this.

I think about all the people I hurt because of my selfishness...I think about all the people I hurt that I don't remember. The fact is I don't remember many things...many things that I am sure I would be ashamed of. I am not proud of the things I have done or who I was. All these things are my hall of shame...there is nothing that I can do that can erase this part of my life. The memories are my reminders of the roads I once walked to bring me to where I am now. The fact is it's from these things that I have learned...learned about life, about people, about loving and about grace and forgiveness...they have been my salvation from a world of shame and guilt.

I think about surviving serious illness...having to have a hysterectomy at 26 and being so sick and looking at my young children and begging God to please let me live. I remember where I was just 6 years ago after being brutally attacked by a client in a home I worked in and being so out of my mind in pain and fear. Thanking God on one hand for sparing my life yet at times being in so much pain that I wished she had killed me...not being able to work...not being able to leave my home because of the fear...not sleeping because of the horrendous nightmares. This too, I survived.

I am free. I don't have to hide in shame from you because I know the freedom that has become mine. I remember all these things to keep myself from falling. Each of these things brought me closer to where I am now...it's like I have had all these different lives that I survived...all to bring me to here...to this place, of being very grateful for all that I have been given...of being very happy and very much alive.

When children speak

Conversation I had with my nine year old granddaughter recently, whom I will call R-girl.

R-girl: Grandma did you know that you are a lot like God?

Me: Like how?

R-girl: You both love me no matter what...even if I'm not at my best, you always love me...

Me: Of course I love you no matter what...

R-girl:...and you love people that lots of people don't like...and your always nice to strangers...and you treat everyone with respect...and you always seem to know when someone needs a hug...your always listening to every ones problems, just like God does...

Me: Oh honey, your so sweet but you know I am not even close to being like God. I do things wrong...I make mistakes...(good lord if she knew!)

R-girl: I know you do Grandma...but, Grandma I am always watching you...I watch you be like God...I hope I can be like you someday.

Tears filled my eyes through out this conversation and more was said but you get the picture of the conversation. The sweetness of my precious granddaughter touches my heart and yes it's nice that she thinks so highly of me but I think the biggest message I got from this conversation is the fact that she is watching me.

She is watching me, just as my kids did, just as my new little ones are watching me. I can say all the things I can to them in trying to teach and train them for life... but in the end it's how I live that speaks the loudest. I knew this already from raising my children...my actions speak louder than words. Maybe, I needed to be reminded of this from the precious nine year old in my life.

I am not an evil step mother

You have probably noticed that I don't post any pictures of my step daughter nor do I write about her very often. I have been judged on both sides of this issue so this is a sensitive subject matter for me. Someone asked me about this recently and I want to clarify that I do love and care about her but she is the source of A LOT of pain in my life. She has chosen to not be a part of our lives...at least not in any positive ways. She is the one that gave birth to the two children we are now raising...she chose to walk away and give us the responsibility for them.

When I married her father she already had our grandson who is now 3 years old. She struggled with parenting him and then became pregnant with our granddaughter who is almost 2 years old. Plain and simple, it was too much for her. To set the record straight we did everything possible to support her and be there for her. Quite honestly I felt sorry for her. She pulled me into her web of deceit and manipulations...quite honestly she ate me alive. Even though her father tried to warn me, I did not listen to him...thus I was pulled into her world. I thought I could help her...I thought my love could make a difference...thus giving her the ability to function as a mommy and a member of society. I was WRONG.

As long as I was playing her game...meaning taking care of her children ALL of the time, not calling her out on her lies and deceit, turning my head to what she was doing with her life and her children, there was no problems, at least for her anyways. When I finally seen the light so to speak I knew that we could not continue living this way. I had reached the "enough" bridge...something had to give. My husband had reached the "enough" bridge long before I did so he was more than ready to confront this situation. Confronting her led to her admitting that she could not handle parenting and that she needed to get her life together. That is what she set out to do. That is NOT what has happened.

Her idea of getting her life together was moving out of state and now to another state. She has done NONE of the things she needs to do to improve her life. She continues to wear proudly the victim crown. Her idea of changing her life was to get pregnant again. In a couple of months there will be another baby thrown into this mess. My heart is broken over this. I worry about this baby more than anything. I do not want to raise another baby. Yet I don't want this baby to be neglected or unloved or feel unwanted. I struggle with my feelings towards her...I am angry...I am hurt.

Most people don't understand. Some people blame us...judge us, the parents, for raising a child into adulthood that would make choices such as these. Some people judge her and say some really mean things about her which honestly doesn't help either. In her defense, I feel that she loved her children enough to walk away from them, and give them to people that would love and care for them properly when she knew in her heart she couldn't. I will give that much to her.

I never tried to replace her mother. I never tried to take her father away from her. I did not take her children away from her. I did not give up on her. I am not an evil step mother. I don't write about her or post pictures of her because she is not a part of our lives for the most part and she is the source of so much pain. Please don't judge me, I am still in the process of figuring out what is best for everyone involved. In a perfect world things would be different but right now this is my life. These two little people that interrupted my life in such a big way are so loved and dear to me. For now this is my life interrupted.

Cry baby cry

I am a cry baby. I started crying early this morning as I sat alone for a few moments anticipating today's drive to the airport to drop off my daughter and granddaughter so that they can fly back home to Florida. I should be used to this by now...my gawd it's been almost 6 years since I have been saying goodbye and letting go of them. It's not.

We left early this morning and it was a sad trip. Little man and little lady came along and since they are only 3 and almost 2, they have no concept of distance nor do they understand that they won't be seeing their aunt and cousin for a long time. They simply love and adored them...so many wonderful ordinary moments were shared with them. Their absence from our home is already felt. Even though they will talk to them on the phone how do I make them understand that they aren't going to be here tomorrow?

Since their uncle, J-man, my youngest son, left a few weeks ago, they have asked where he is daily...multiple times a day actually. His absence is still being felt and actually since he left while my daughter and granddaughter were here for their visit, I don't think I or even they have really experienced his absence fully...until today. When I went into little lady's bedroom this afternoon, she was holding a picture of him holding her and she was kissing him. Little man asked me just a short while ago if uncle J-man can take them swimming today. How do I make them understand that although they talk to him on the phone they can't see him today or even tomorrow?

Their cousin, whom lives with us, left for his visit with his daddy, to Omaha, Nebraska last week and will return this Thursday. First thing EVERY morning they ask where A-man is...all day long they look for him. A-man is more like a sibling since he has spent most of his life living here with us. These little people have grown up together. A-mans mom, my youngest daughter, just accepted a job in Omaha, this week. I understand why...I know that she wants her son to be near his daddy...I know that having A-man gone so far from her for such long periods every month are too hard on her...I know she has gained strength in her wings once again and has the need...the desire to fly from home once again...the time has come. In 3 weeks they will be moving away...leaving. Little man and little lady love and adore her to the fullest. She has been a stable, constant person in their lives, outside of my husband and I. How do I explain this to little man and little lady?

We have not seen my middle daughter in over a year. I am completely homesick for her. She will be home at the end of July for a visit. I am counting down the days until I get to wrap my arms around her and see her smiling face in person. Pictures are great but they are not the same. Little man and little lady mostly know her through pictures. She is wonderful with them and I know they too will fall in love with her all over again when she is here.

There is so much sadness over my children leaving and the anticipated leaving of my daughter and grandson, that my heart is breaking right now. My heart literally hurts. Not just for me but for little man and little lady who don't understand...all they know is that these special people that they love, leave...and they don't see them for a long time...sometimes ever.

It is the hardest for little man...he remembers his first mommy...his birth mommy...who left over a year ago and never came back. This is reality for him. This is his biggest fear...people leaving and not coming back. He obsesses over this...I mean this literally...multiple times a day, he inquires where all his loved ones are and when they are coming home. He stopped inquiring about his birth mom many months ago, but, I know that somewhere deep inside of him he still has hurts and fears because of her. My husband, his grandpa by birth, his daddy by choice and I are at the top of this list. Although, I so rarely leave him for anything, when I do, this is a MAJOR issue for him. Some days are better than others, but there are days when I leave to run to the store and he will be upset until I return. When I return he will say to me"I'm so happy you came back"...this makes me sad to my core. These are things that weigh so heavily on my heart.

Letting go is hard...it kills me inside each and every time. It does not get easier each time. The time I share with my children, now that they are adults is so damn amazing. It's amazing because they truly are amazing people. I would like them even if they weren't my children. The same can be said of my grandchildren...they are each so perfectly amazing and beautiful and the relationship I have with each of them is more than I ever expected to have. I am blessed beyond anything I ever dreamed of. I miss their presence here...their laughter, their smiles, their voices, their hugs...so today I will cry...and most likely there will be days of crying...I will mourn their leaving.

To be a mother of perfect love

This is a picture of my mom, my daughter, her daughter and myself, sharing 4 generations of perfect love.




To be a mother...a good mother, is the desire of my heart. From the first moments of knowing that I was going to be a mom, this has been my goal. I was scared to death. I had no idea how I was going to do it but I knew that I would not settle for anything less than being a good mom, so I read many books and I talked to a lot of moms. It didn't take me long to realize that being a mom was the most wonderful, but the hardest and dirtiest job I would ever do. It also didn't take me long to realize that no matter how many books I read on motherhood that there are many things that books don't tell you and that there is nothing that prepares you for this amazing task.

I have worked hard at being the best mom that I can be...to love my children was easy...to raise them to know that I love them no matter what. The hard part was knowing that I didn't have all the answers and that in spite of how much I loved them so perfectly, I would in fact let them down. Being a mom has made me appreciate my own mother...every day I realize all the heartache and love that went into raising me and that she did the best that she knew how to do. No, she was not perfect...yes, she let me down and failed at times...this is where forgiveness and grace comes in...and learning from her mistakes and learning that there is no such thing as a perfect mother. Accepting this fact has not always been easy for me...letting go of that ideal is something that I have learned the hard way. No, I have not been the perfect mother...yes, I failed my children...in fact I have fallen short time and time again. I have needed more grace and forgiveness from my children than from any other people. No matter how many mistakes I have made with my children, I have loved them perfectly, just as my mother perfectly loved me.

Now I am privileged to watch my own daughters become mothers. What an amazing thing to see...to watch them become the moms that they are. They too, love their children perfectly...they too strive to be good moms. They too, will fall short, make mistakes and they like myself and my own mom will learn the beauty in forgiveness and grace that comes from your children. They are learning that motherhood is not an easy job and that no matter how much you love your children perfectly, that there is no such thing as a perfect mother.

I will do many things in my life but being a mom is what I have done best.

Sweet Interruptions

These special moments of capturing all 4 of my little loves, are what makes life so awesome for me. Every second I get to be with them is precious.


Last moments with 4 of my 5 children, before the youngest left on his journey across the country. It is not the same when 1 of them is missing. Life moves so fast...in a blink of an eye they are grown and out living their own lives. I never stop missing them. Pictured are my 2 oldest children and my 2 youngest children...my middle child could not be here...but always, she is in my heart.



Getting to spend some time with my children now that they are grown is a gift. Every moment that we share is stored in my mind. Now that they are grown, my role as their mom has changed...I am still adjusting to this. These incredible people, that are not only my children have become my friends.

My heart is still hurting...still aching for my youngest. My home feels his absence. I am spending my last days with my oldest child(daughter)and her daughter(my oldest granddaughter)...these are moments that I want time to stop.

He's gone

My heart hurts. Sadness permeates my soul and I can't get away from it. I have walked down this road before with three of my other children but in no way does that prepare me to handle this any better. As a mother, to watch your child fly or drive away from you, knowing you will not see them for a long time is a heart wrenching experience. Letting go hurts. Watching him drive away from me yesterday...knowing it will be a long time before I get to see him...it feels like I got the wind knocked out of me. He took a part of my heart with him just as the others did when they left.

In my head, I know all the right answers to this...I know that he will be "fine"...I know to some extent it will get better...because this is not new to me, I also know that the ache of missing your child, doesn't completely go away. It never leaves me. It's not that I don't support him in his leaving...I am proud of him for his courage and his belief in himself...I am glad that I raised him to know how to live independently from me. I am happy for him and all that he will experience on this journey. I know all these things...tell that to my heart that feels ripped in half right now.

Maybe the fact that he is my last child...my baby...that makes this so hard. Yes, I know we are raising 2 more grandchildren right now, who in reality, we are their parents and could very likely be raising to adulthood but it's not the same. He is my last one...his leaving is his beginning but for me it's an ending...an ending to a life that I thought while in the midst of it, would go on forever. It is over. Life will be different. I know in time I will adjust...I will get used to his being gone.

I miss him with all of my being. I hurt. Eventually that pain will get less but right now it feels like hell. My house feels his absence. I go in his room...his old room and I still smell his smell. I look at the belongings he left behind and I just want him back here with me. The little people look for him...they ask about him...they think he is downstairs in his bedroom sleeping or watching TV...this makes me cry. They don't understand his leaving but in time they will. He was a significant part of their daily lives and they will miss him. It is empty here without him and there is nothing to fill his absence. I just want to see his beautiful smile. I just want to hug him one more time.

Life hurts sometimes. Right now life really sucks. I am tired. Even though I know that in time I will feel better...I too will get over this...it's reaching that point that is the hard part. I let go. It hurts to let go. Ultimately it's what is right and best for him and eventually me. I wanted to hang on to him so tightly and not let him go but I didn't. I set him free yesterday.

Yesterday, I cried for most of the day. Whenever I cry my little man calls it "dripping"...he kept saying "your dripping mommy" and "are you sad". He more than the other little people understands that his uncle or big brother left and that it is making mommy very sad and causing her to drip. One of the first things he said to me this morning was "mommy are you still dripping today?" and "Mommy are you still sad?" Oh, the love of my little people.