This has been a hard day.
Today, was one of them day’s that I wanted to quit before it barely got started.
My little people have been rascals lately. And this is a nice way of putting it. They are testing my limits as 3 and 4 year olds are known to do. Let’s just say, I woke up to 2 rascal’s that got out of the wrong sides of their bed’s. And day’s like this just make me feel too old and unqualified.
But, they were not the problem.
I wanted to smoke.
I wanted to hide under the covers.
Part of me, even wanted to just get high and zone out. What the hell?
But, I didn’t.
Even now, I wish I had.
No, I don’t really mean that.
But, here I am, at the end of the day, thankful to be done. Thankful that I didn’t hide. Thankful that day’s like this don’t last forever. And very thankful that I didn’t smoke or get high.
I was pushed. And pressed. And tried.
Today, I had to remember things that I would rather not.
Worse, I had to talk about them. With people I don’t trust.
Today, I had to give my deposition in my injury case to the lawyers representing the work compensation insurance company. For over 2 hours they questioned me. They poked and prodded.
For the first time, in a long time, I had to revisit a painful experience. I hate talking about it. Worse, I hate what talking about it does to me.
They laid out my whole entire life. They picked it apart in an effort to find a way to blame something else for my injury.
They couldn’t find anything.
I know this is their job to pick me apart. They are paid to do this.
I know there are people that play the system and it’s their job to make sure I’m not one of them. It was obvious that they know I’m not.
They could see I was in pain. They don’t dispute the attack on me. So what the hell is the problem?
They are on the other side looking in. Why does this make me so angry?
For just a moment, I wanted to crawl across the table and grab her by the hair. I wanted to do to her, what was done to me. I wanted her to feel what it felt like. I wanted her to know the fear and the pain.
Of course, I would never do this, but I wanted to. For that moment I wanted to. Just to make them understand.
But, really, how do you make someone understand how it feels to have the shit beat out of you? And then the repercussions of it? And 7 years of hell? How do you get someone to see that you will never get your life back? That everything you’ve lost is gone? And that all you want is to get better and for them to stopping fucking around with your life?
You don’t. Because how can they understand until they’ve actually lived it? They are just doing their job’s. And really, my life doesn’t matter to them.
I sit here waiting to have surgery on my neck and for other things that will help make my pain levels go down. I try to be patient. But, when I seen these lawyers, with their smug faces and listened to them and their big fancy words, it was hard not to scream and cry.
I didn’t scream. Or cry.
I played nice. I answered their millions of questions, even though it was hard. I told them the truth with a lump in my throat. I stood up for myself. I didn’t back down. For that I am proud.
And so I will keep playing this game, while my life is on hold. I am in so much fucking pain tonight that I cannot sleep. I am sad and angry. I just want this shit to be done. I can only hope that good will come out of today.
I have to believe it will.
I am thankful that I have a good lawyer to fight for me. I am thankful that she thinks I did an excellent job today. I am thankful that I fought for myself. That I stood up for myself and that when I could have chosen to hide behind something such as smoking, I didn’t.
I wanted to but I didn’t.
I am thankful, I made it.
I am thankful tomorrow is a new day…or I should say today is a new day because my clock is saying that it is tomorrow already. :)
Love & Hugs, Lori