In our family...

In our family....we do second chances...we do grace...we do real...we do mistakes...we do I'm sorry (and I forgive you)...we do loud really well...we do hugs...we do family...we do love.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Must Hide From Rascals & Lawyers

This has been a hard day.

Today, was one of them day’s that I wanted to quit before it barely got started.

My little people have been rascals lately. And this is a nice way of putting it. They are testing my limits as 3 and 4 year olds are known to do. Let’s just say, I woke up to 2 rascal’s that got out of the wrong sides of their bed’s. And day’s like this just make me feel too old and unqualified.

But, they were not the problem.

I wanted to smoke.

I wanted to hide under the covers.

Part of me, even wanted to just get high and zone out. What the hell?

But, I didn’t.

Even now, I wish I had.

No, I don’t really mean that.

But, here I am, at the end of the day, thankful to be done. Thankful that I didn’t hide. Thankful that day’s like this don’t last forever. And very thankful that I didn’t smoke or get high.

I was pushed. And pressed. And tried.

Today, I had to remember things that I would rather not.

Worse, I had to talk about them. With people I don’t trust.

Today, I had to give my deposition in my injury case to the lawyers representing the work compensation insurance company. For over 2 hours they questioned me. They poked and prodded.

For the first time, in a long time, I had to revisit a painful experience. I hate talking about it. Worse, I hate what talking about it does to me.

They laid out my whole entire life. They picked it apart in an effort to find a way to blame something else for my injury.

They couldn’t find anything.

I know this is their job to pick me apart. They are paid to do this.

I know there are people that play the system and it’s their job to make sure I’m not one of them. It was obvious that they know I’m not.

They could see I was in pain. They don’t dispute the attack on me. So what the hell is the problem?

They are on the other side looking in. Why does this make me so angry?

For just a moment, I wanted to crawl across the table and grab her by the hair. I wanted to do to her, what was done to me. I wanted her to feel what it felt like. I wanted her to know the fear and the pain.

Of course, I would never do this, but I wanted to. For that moment I wanted to. Just to make them understand.

But, really, how do you make someone understand how it feels to have the shit beat out of you? And then the repercussions of it? And 7 years of hell? How do you get someone to see that you will never get your life back? That everything you’ve lost is gone? And that all you want is to get better and for them to stopping fucking around with your life?

You don’t. Because how can they understand until they’ve actually lived it? They are just doing their job’s. And really, my life doesn’t matter to them.

I sit here waiting to have surgery on my neck and for other things that will help make my pain levels go down.  I try to be patient. But, when I seen these lawyers, with their smug faces and listened to them and their big fancy words, it was hard not to scream and cry.

I didn’t scream. Or cry.

I played nice. I answered their millions of questions, even though it was hard. I told them the truth with a lump in my throat. I stood up for myself. I didn’t back down. For that I am proud.

And so I will keep playing this game, while my life is on hold. I am in so much fucking pain tonight that I cannot sleep. I am sad and angry. I just want this shit to be done. I can only hope that good will come out of today.

I have to believe it will.

I am thankful that I have a good lawyer to fight for me. I am thankful that she thinks I did an excellent job today. I am thankful that I fought for myself. That I stood up for myself and that when I could have chosen to hide behind something such as smoking, I didn’t.

I wanted to but I didn’t.

I am thankful, I made it.

I am thankful tomorrow is a new day…or I should say today is a new day because my clock is saying that it is tomorrow already. :)

Love & Hugs, Lori



Natalie said...

Lori, I understand some of those frustrations and pain, even though your experiences are totally yours.
It is a hard place to be, so be picked apart, is very demeaning, and scary to a gentle soul
such as yourself.

Remember, that little people pick up and absorb our pain, then reflect it back to us. I found the last couple of months the hardest EVER with the littlies, even after experience with five kids.

I love you, I am supporting you from far away, and I hold you in the highest esteem.


mommytoalot said...

Oh dear Lori, I amso sorry they put you through hell. I know it is their job, but that does't make it right. I am so very proud of didn't didn't cry...cause that is exactly what I would have done..You are truly a strong, brave woman.

Rascals and little people often go hand in the above commenter said..sometimes they pick up on our feelings..I didnt realize your grandbabies and my kinshipe babies are the same age. 3 and 4...and my goodness sometimes I feel too old as well.
Thinking of you inspire me

Madison said...

I like your honesty and your perseverance and self-control. Some days, you just get out of bed and life sucks from beginning to end. Then, a new sun rises.

SciFi Dad said...

I'm sorry you had to revisit all that. I hope it works out in your favour.

Jeannie said...

My daughter was hit by a car from behind while at work 2 years ago. She will have to fly out west for "discovery" sometime soon. She isn't likely to get anything but her lost wages, physio and travel expenses out of it. I don't think BC awards pain and suffering. The woman who hit her didn't even get a fine for driving carelessly.

Brian Miller said...

the good news is that the day is behind you and today is a new day...sorry you had to go through it, but hopefully it draws it one step closer to being over. hope the surgery helps and allieves the pain...have a great holiday and great job holding it together...smiles.

Busy Bee Suz said...

I am so sorry you are having to relive all of what has happened to you..all for the sake of moving forward. I hope you get your surgery and I PRAY that you get your life back. Hugs to you ...and kudos for NOT smoking. You are one strong woman.

Jan said...

Oh, Lori - yes, they're just doing their job, but don't you think they'd have to live up to some sort of standard that requires they treat other people with a modicum of respect? I dislike lawyers quite intensely (Beloved out-and-out hates them). And to have the Little People "have one of those days" as well; all kids have them, but doesn't it seem that they always have them at the worst possible times?

I am SO proud of you for not smoking. You hang in there, sweetie, and today will be a better day.

Kit Kat said...

Lori, I am so proud of you! I can't even imagine how stressful and painful that day was for you, and you stayed strong. You are an amazing woman! Just remember that tomorrow you can have some help with those little rascals, and enjoy a wonderful day of food, wine, and fun!

Bogey said...

Lori, sometimes we have to look life right in the face and let it do it's worse to us. Then, we get back up, dust ourselves off, look back into that face and say, "Not so bad....what else 'ya got?" The way I read this is, you have created some new strengths over this recent period of your life and you fell back on them. And they did not fail you. As weak as you thought you may have been, you were actually more resilient than you give yourself credit for. Yes, you may have walked away with a couple of battle scars, but the next time you are faced with this situation, look back at those scars and remind yourself that you are tough enough to take it. Way to hang in there. I'm proud of you!

Swampy said...

First of all, Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours
Second of all, I tried smoking a turkey once, but it kept falling out of the wrapper.
Fourth of all, hang in there gal friend. You can do it !

Jason, as himself said...

Yuck, I'm sorry you had to go through this. I just hate this kind of thing. I hope it gets resolved soon.

And as for your little rascals, well, those are the kinds of problems we can actually cope with, aren't they?

Happy Thanksgiving!

otin said...

It is hard for me to comment on your exact situation because I have just started reading your blog and don't really know what you have been through.Most people let their jobs interfere with their compassion for others When they go home at night, they don't give you a second thought. It is a sad fact of life.It always seems to be a fight to get some satisfaction! Keep fighting! Don't give up!

Jacquelyn said...

Dear Lori, I too don't know your whole story but I know you are an overcomer and you will survive. I can't imagine the day you had when you are in so much pain and yet have to defend yourself like that. I know from your posts I've read that you have a wonderful loving husband and family, and those little people you are now raising are the delights of your life. In spite of the days they are rascals, you are giving them the stability they deserve. You are an awesome and strong lady to do what you are doing. I don't know how I found you in the blogosphere but I'm glad I did. You are quite the inspiration, lady! Be blessed!