I was going to take part in a writing assignment that Mama Kat at Mama’s Losin it gives each week. One of the assignment choices was “Share a diary entry from when you were 13.”I thought about what was written in my diary when I was 13. It made me sad for the girl I was back then. And then I remembered I had seen this writing assignment somewhere(cannot remember)a year ago and thought I would give it a try instead. It was, write a letter to your 13 year old self.
Here it goes.
Dear 13 year old self,
You need to stop what you are doing right now, and listen. You think you know the truth but you don’t. You have it all wrong. Take that tough smart ass look off your face and put out that cigarette. It’s all just a front to make people think that you don’t care. You put on this facade of toughness yet underneath the facade is a hurting child.
You think you are invisible…that no one can see. You are not. Don’t you see all the good people that could help you, if you just let them? Open your eye’s. Stop pushing the good people away…they are your salvation and you don’t even know it.
Just because your dad calls you a mistake doesn’t mean you are. Just because he calls you a slut and a whore doesn’t make you one. When he say’s he wishes you were never born, that you won’t amount to anything, and that you’re retarded like your brother, don’t listen to him. He doesn’t know what he’s saying. He doesn’t know that all you want is for him to love you…to want you. He doesn’t know how to love you. He’s taking his pain and anger out on you.
You have to stop believing all these lies. Believing these things, like they are the truth, will cause you to live a tormented life.You think, that somehow he knows something that no one else knows…that your truly bad. You will constantly seek to prove he was right about you.
But, your not bad. Stop believing that.
As long as you believe that you alone are not worthy, you will seek out love and acceptance from men, like it is food for your hungry soul. You will convince yourself that sex means love. It’s a lie. It will never be enough to fill up your soul. Deep down you will know that.
Just because you know and love the persons hurting you, doesn’t make it okay. Knowing them doesn’t give them permission to violate you.
You will not be free, until you stop believing the lies.
If you keep believing lies you will make choices to allow others to abuse you. You are not a punching bag for men to take their anger out on, verbally or physically. You will learn to love people that abuse you. It will be a sickness that takes years for you to stop doing.
Believing lies is your survival. Yet it’s the very thing that will destroy you and keep you stuck in the mud.
Cutting up your arms and legs will not be the answer. The release you feel as the razor cuts your skin and as you watch the blood flow, is temporary. Yes, feeling the physical pain, in some sick way, releases the pain from within. No matter how much you cut, the power of the secrets will remain. Etching out “death” on your arm will not bring it any sooner. Covering up and hiding the scars doesn’t mean they don’t exist.
Starving yourself is not the answer either. No matter how much you don’t eat. No matter how much you make yourself vomit will not empty you of the ugliness within. No matter how much you punish yourself with hour upon hour of exercise, none of this will release you from the power of the secrets.
Look in the mirror. Take the blindfold off your eyes and you will see all that you are.
You laugh and act as if this is nothing. You laugh in the face of all that should be sad. You laugh, when you should be crying.
You are just a child. You might be making adult decisions, but this doesn’t make you an adult. You think you’re having fun getting drunk and high. You think these things are just fun and a way to silence the voices in your head. You are headed down a road of self destruction that you are going to regret one day. Some day you will actually have children. Some day you will actually wish you had tried in school and gotten an education. Some day you’re going to wish that you hadn’t taken this road.
You need to break the silence and stop keeping secrets from those that could help you. Stand in front of the mirror and repeat these words to yourself. “It wasn’t my fault.” Repeat this until you believe it. If you don’t, you will continue down this road of destruction, until you have more big fat ugly secrets to keep…. that leave your soul black and blue. You have to speak up until someone listens.
Do you hear me? It’s not your fault.
If you keep silent, you will keep dying inside. You will suffer in a prison of your own making. No amount of drugs, alcohol or sex will unlock the doors. The very thing that could set you free, you fight. Stop fighting. You hold the key. Hand the key to someone that can actually unlock the door and set you free.
The person that you will eventually hand the key to, is someone that you despise now, but will later be your best friend. He will help you release the madness inside but only when you finally break the silence of the big fat ugly secrets. He will embrace you and teach you to love yourself. Finally. But, that will be many, many years from now.
Instead you will choose to live a life of lies…a life of survival.
Lies to cover up all the things you’ll have to do just to survive. Being high all the time will feel good. You will even think drugs are your salvation. It will give you the facade that all is well within and that nothing else matters then being high. In your search for a bigger and better high, you will almost lose your life. When you cry out for help to someone that you expect to be there, just remember, she doesn’t know how to help you. This is too big, even for her.
Living your life like it’s Russian roulette…like it doesn’t matter whether you live or die is not fair to those around you. Worse yet, it’s not fair to you. Stop treating your life like it doesn’t matter. Some day it will matter. Stop trying to die. There is no answer in dying. Hang on. A better day is coming.
You feel ugly, like you’re a bad person, retarded, stupid, not good enough, like you will never measure up, like you are a mistake and like you are unlovable. You are NOT any of these things.
Some day you will not feel like this. Once the silence is broken, you will live a life that you’ve always dreamed about. Someday you will be free. The hurt you now know will no longer be yours. Someday the power of the secrets will no longer run your life. Someday you will know the truth. Some day you will be free of these things you use now to silence them. Someday you will know true salvation. Someday you will know love. Someday you will look back on this life you once lived and be amazed that you are still here. Hang on, a better day is coming.
From, your 47 year old self.
This has been more therapeutic then I imagined. It’s helped me to say some things to myself that I’ve needed to say. It’s humbling, sharing these things with you, even though many of you already know I have a “past”. Even though I know you could judge me, I can’t let that stop me from taking this step to click “publish”.
If you could talk to your 13 year old self, what would you say? Do you want to play along? Write your 13 year old self a letter and share it with me. I would love to hear the voice of your 13 year old self.