Differences

Recent conversations with little man…

“I’m different from you guys.”

“What do you mean by different?”

“My skin is brown and you guys have white skin.”

“Yes, we have different colors of skin.”

_______________________

“When I get bigger will I have white skin?”

“No, you will always have brown skin and your brown skin is beautiful and we wouldn’t want to change that about you.”

________________________

“Is white skin better then brown skin?”

“No, of course it’s not. Neither is better then the other. Both are beautiful. Just like all the other colors of skin. Why are you asking me this?”

“Because everyone in my family has white skin.”

________________________

“I’m the only one at daycare and school that have brown skin. Everybody has white skin but not me.”

“Yes, that’s true, in our town there aren’t really many brown skinned people like you. But do you remember when I used to work at the school in this neighboring town and there were students with brown skin like you?”

“Oh yeah, I remember!”

________________________

“How come I have brown skin and she(pointing at his little sister)doesn’t?”

“Because each of you were made by two different fathers.”

________________________

Having these conversations, causes me to question where we live. As much as I love living in our small rural community, it may not be the best place for us to be raising little man. I know that we will not always be able to protect him from racism or from feeling different. But, I do wonder if moving to a more diverse community would be better for all of us. This is something we may have to consider.

I’m not sure what sparked his curiosity and his questioning. I am glad that he has talked to me and that I have been here to listen. Included in these conversations has been much talk about  differences in people…from the color of skin to colors of eyes and hair…from short and tall and big and small.

We have talked about heritage and various ethnic backgrounds.

We’ve talked about how important it is to love who we are. That each of us was created special and unique. We have talked about being happy in our own skin no matter what anyone else says…to not be ashamed or embarrassed of what we look like.

We’ve talked about who we each are underneath our skin…about all the things inside of us, like loving, caring, kindness and sharing, that make hearts beautiful. And all the things that make us individuals that are different, like favorite colors or foods we like to eat.

We have talked about how it’s a good thing that each of us are different and to celebrate these differences. I knew there would come a day that he started to take notice of the color of his skin. That he would notice that his skin is different from his own sister…from those in his family and community. I just didn’t know it would be so soon.

It hasn’t been easy coming up with answers to little mans questions…especially with his 3 year old little sister soaking up every word. It can be complicated trying to explain in ways that his 4 year old mind and her 3 year old mind can comprehend.

He is a sharp little boy that is always thinking…so much so that I have to practically run to keep ahead of him. For right now, my answers are good enough but will they always be? I fear not. For now, he listens to me and believes what I say but I fear the day he doesn’t. I pray I have the answers as his questions get harder.

I know these conversations are important but more important is that I model what I am trying to teach them. I will teach them nothing if I don’t walk the talk. If I am not happy in my own skin how can I possibly teach him to be?

I want him to be happy in his own skin. I want him to embrace all of his differences, not just the color of his skin but all those things that show the beautiful color of his heart. These are the things I want for him, and little lady.  These are the things I want for all of us.

“It is not our differences that divide us. It is our inability to recognize, accept, and celebrate those differences.”
Audre Lorde

“Our greatest strength as a human race is our ability to acknowledge our differences, our greatest weakness is our failure to embrace them.”
Judith Henderson

Do you recognize and embrace your differences?  Are you happy in your own skin?

 

 

 

Sleepless in Minnesota

I now know why I have been in so much pain…nope it’s not all in my head. I found out that I have at least 3 things wrong with my shoulder. I am waiting to have another MRI with dye injected into me and to meet with an orthopedic surgeon for my shoulder, since the only way to fix it is with surgery. This does not have anything to do with my neck injury. I do NOT have insurance because we cannot afford it. And no we don’t qualify for help because even though our income qualifies we have too many assets. Assets that my husband had before he ever met me. Yes, I know that our savings will be depleted plus more. But, I know somehow we will be fine.

I also await an MRI for my neck and multiple procedures to burn the nerves in my neck once again. They make small incisions and go inside and burn the nerve endings.(I have had this done multiple times.)Not to mention seeing other specialists in regards to all of this and trying a new medication. And more therapy. This means jumping through more hoops for workers comp. If you have ever dealt with them then you know they are a poop on the party of wanting to get better. They suck. They have been a thorn in my side for 7 years now. I could understand if there was a dispute over the actually injury but there’s not.

It’s a waiting game….for approvals and for these doctors to have openings in their schedules. And until then, I am sleepless in Minnesota…due to pain and not being able to lay down flat on a bed, I have taken up residence in the recliner in the living room. When I was actually getting sleep at night it seemed that there were never enough hours at night. Now that I’m not sleeping it seems that there are too many hours in the night and daylight cannot come soon enough. Go figure.

Things I’ve come to realize during my sleepless nights…

There really is nothing on TV during the night. I have watched way too many infomercials and have come way too close to buying exercise programs and gadgets…Like the Ab Circle, Slim in 6, Core Rhythms, ChaLEAN Extreme, and don’t forget about the Abtronic Ab Exerciser that all you have to do is wear it around your stomach and it does the work for you. Really? I am starting to see how desperate people can succumb to perfect looking people selling them something that is going to fix all of their problems. All for a bargain of course. And free shipping.

Desperate, sleep deprived people like me…which really is ridiculous since I wouldn’t be able to use them anyways…which ends up irritating the crap out of me because I really, really miss working out and it’s starting to show on me. (Big sigh) Watching skinny women with fairly large breasts and hard bodies, telling me how I can look like them, if in fact, I would buy what they are selling, makes me want to pinch someone…well someone skinny with fake breasts anyways.

…there is the Swivel Sweeper and some other vacuum that I can’t think of the name of right now but it sure does amazing things. And then there is this ultimate chopper thing that chops all of your vegetables in less then a minute. Not that I believe all the hype but seeing these things sure makes me miss cooking and cleaning. I’m not kidding. Not being able to let out the domestic goddess in me is driving me crazy…and you might have guessed, irritates me.

I’ve learned it’s not good for me to watch the news channels because all it does is either upset, make me scared or more confused. Seriously, how did some of these people get hired? Do you think they know how irritating they sound? But, we do live in the land of free speech don't we?

Watching the weather predictions on various channels only irritates the hell out of me because how can they vary that much?!

Watching cooking shows only makes me hungry and even more irritated over the menopausal weight gain as of late. The kind of irritation that makes me want to eat ice cream with lots of hot caramel and nuts on top of a hot fudge brownie. And I don’t even like sweets all that much. And I'm not eating that much to begin with. I'm not. But, you would never ever know that. Do I have to go back to starving myself? Hell, I like eating too much. Forget the fact that in one month I am the "best lady" in my brothers wedding and need to fit into my dress.

Watching the home renovation shows can be interesting and give great idea’s. But, seriously, some of the colors they use and things they do are out right ugly. To me, anyways. What really irritates me with these shows is watching people in nice clothes on, that look like their ready for a date, painting and doing home renovations. I understand they are on TV and all but they could be a little more realistic. Just sayin.

Are you sensing the irritation?

My house makes weird noises at night. Irritating noises. Like a dripping faucet. Or a running toilet.

Not only does my husband talk in his sleep(of course I already knew that) but so does little man and little lady. Little man on occasion walks in his sleep. Freaks the hell out of me when out of nowhere he is standing right next to me in the dark of the night.

Right now we have so many acorns falling on to the roof,(we have lots of big tree’s)that it sounds like it is raining or hailing. This gets really annoying when I have had the good fortune of actually falling asleep for a moment and I’m woken up by a sudden surge of acorns falling. We also have a couple of squirrels that are either fighting it out at night or making babies. The fact that we have neighbors keeps me from screaming out the window at them. I don’t know what irritates me more, the falling acorns or the fact that the squirrels might be having sex and I'm not.

We live near both the hospital and ambulance garage so we hear everything that happens. Since we live in a small rural town you wouldn’t think they would keep as busy as they do. I never realized until now, how often their sirens are going off. Every night. Multiple times. Irritating yes, but sad.

It’s amazing what you hear when you aren’t sleeping with the roar of the fan drowning out the noises that fills your home. What’s even more amazing is that a bomb could go off and my husband would sleep through it. At least someone is sleeping.

I’m not sleeping but I am icing my neck and shoulder through out the night. Ice packs do not stay cold long enough. I have been thinking that I should invent an icepack that stays cold.

I think WAY too much at night. About everything and anything. And very random. Ugh. Combine that with the deliriousness that comes with being sleep deprived, being in pain and the stress that all of this has brought. And let’s don’t forget about the noisy elephant sitting in the corner, that will not shut up…I think his name is menopause and does nothing for rational thinking. NOT. A. Good. Thing. I should keep these thoughts to myself. Last night, I wanted to share some of my thoughts and as I was going through the numbers on my cell phone, I realized that it was in fact the middle of the night. My husband needs to hide my phone from me at night.

Kind of like drunk dialing except I’m not drunk and I don’t even have the excuse of pain meds since I gave up on them. They did nothing for the pain but everything to keep me hugging the porcelain goddess.

Such is life when you are sleepless in Minnesota...telling your woes to people that are miles away, in the form of a post. What’s your favorite infomercial? What do you do when you can’t sleep? Entertain me with your suggestions or tales of your own sleepless nights.

Once again, thanks for listening. Hugs and love, Lori

In the moment

At times, it’s easy for me to take an instant step back and reflect upon what was and feel nothing other than thankfulness that what was then, is no longer my truth today. Other times, turning around and looking back, I can instantly feel the emotions over what happened then. All too often, feeling emotions that come with revisiting the days of yesterday, leaves me pondering over who I would be today if I hadn’t walked that road. Would I like me better? What would my life be like today? Tomorrow?

When I speak of the past, I speak of those experiences that left me bruised, battered, and worn…experiences I chose for myself and those that were chosen for me. In many aspects, I am thankful for the gift of remembering things from the past so that I can learn from them, for today and tomorrows benefit. I am grateful for the wisdom I gained having walked through those fires. Yet, there is living with regret over bad choices…over even those things I might not have been dictator of or caused. I wonder if I might have handled those things better, or wiser, just maybe, things could have been different.

There was a time in my life that I lived in fear of the past…fear of what the past meant or said about me…a time in which I feared remembering…a time when it didn’t feel safe to look back… a time in which I feared admitting that this is what I’ve done, but this is who I am today. I am realizing that it took a lot of courage to look those things in the face for what they were….the sin’s of other’s yes, but the hardest to look at were my own. It has taken much courage to let go and forgive. And I mean, really forgive. This past, these yesterday’s, are my history. The bottom line is that I cannot control or change what is my history. If I don’t choose to accept this fact, I stay stuck behind and not able to live happily in today.

These experiences are part of me. No matter how far I’ve ever ran, in hopes of escaping those experiences, I could never get away from them, because they are part of me. I have this saying…”Where ever I go, there I am.”

This past does not dictate who I am today, but this past has been instrumental in shaping me to be who I am today. Who I am today and the experiences of today, will likely prepare me for what will come tomorrow. I can worry or fear the things of the future…that I won’t be prepared for this or that. Just as thinking about yesterday, steals me away, thinking about tomorrow, also takes me away from what is before me in the here and now.

Living in the moment is difficult to do when you are dealing with old baggage from the past or still feeling hurt over something that happened yesterday. Living in the moment can be hard when you are fearing or worrying about tomorrow. Living in the moment is difficult for me, because, as a mother, wife, grandma, and friend, I can be pulled into so many directions. I can get so caught up in “doing” or working or whatever duty calls that I lose out on the gift of the many moments that fill my day. I miss out on who is present here with me. I miss out on the beauty of those things that might be considered trivial or mundane because I take them for granted. I miss out because I focus on things that are just material or will eventually perish. Sometimes, I miss out because I am too busy taking myself and life too seriously. Sometimes, I miss out because I'm just not paying attention. When I am focusing soley on yesterday or tomorrow, I miss out on the every day joy that is mine for the taking.

While it’s okay to reflect back to yesterday and bring to today the wisdom I gained from it, I must not keep my foot planted there. While it is good and responsible to plan for tomorrow and whatever the future might bring, planting a foot into worrying or fearing what is to come next or about this or that, will not do me or those around me, any good. Instead I aim to plant both of my feet into the moments of today.

The sun has risen to a new day. Maybe, this is why today is such a gift. Today I grab a hold of the every day joy. Today, in spite of the pain the flows through my body, I choose to take in today’s gifts, whatever they may be. I will be in the moment and not miss out. Today is a gift to do it all over again…a do over… a chance to hit “refresh”.

Love and hugs, Lori

PS Thank you for the prayers!

I Write Because I Can

Tonight, I write because sleep escapes me. While this is nothing new, especially as of late, tonight, I at least do not have the burning nausea eating away at my stomach, thus giving me this opportunity to write. Pain has stolen me away once again. Like a thief in the night, it came and it has not left.

I should clarify that this has been above and beyond the normal pain that I live with on a regular basis…and yes, that pain sucks too, but I have learned how to live with it for the most part. While the pain is a constant friend or should I say enemy, there are times it can be much worse. I have had flare ups on occasion…caused from changes in the weather to over doing it, to lifting too much weight, to over loading on stress…all can cause me to flare up with worse pain then normal. I know I have talked about this here a couple of times but for the most part I don’t like to talk about it here or in my “real” life. I just don’t. I don’t like “it” being center of my life and I don’t want people feeling sorry for me. Believe me when I say, I do a good enough job of that all on my own without anyone’s help.

I have learned to breathe through the pain…to not let it control my life…to not let it stop me from living. I spent the first two years of my injury living in that way. Those were wasted years that I can’t get back and I don’t want to lose any more. When I was in the hospital, going through a pain management program, they taught me how to live again. They taught me how to deal with the flare ups that would come and believe me, over the past 5 years since I left that hospital, those flare ups have come and gone.

When these flare ups hit me, it’s like I have been hit by a truck. Sometimes I know when they are coming towards me. Other times it's like the rug has been pulled out unexpectedly from under my feet. At times, it takes my breathe away. Pain makes me sick to my stomach. Noise, sound, light, cold, heat, movement and stimuli can all make it worse. If you suffer from migraines, I have much sympathy for you because I am told that these symptoms are similar to yours. If you suffer from pain period, whether from arthritis, an injury or some other ailment my heart goes out to you. I have learned to do things to help lesson and shorten the length of the flare ups. Things like exercising, cold and hot packs, stretching, breathing, meditating, resting…ect…the list could go on.

Pain makes me want to stop everything yet I can’t. Not completely anyways…because life goes on and until the flare up passes, life kinda sucks. These flare ups last from one day to about a week…on occasion it has been longer but for the most part within a week I have gained back some control over the pain.

This time, it’s different. Last November, I started with a flare up that has never really went away. This time, it has slowly gotten worse. My previous injuries to my neck and skull have started to affect other parts of my body. I was warned 5 years ago of the possibility of this happening or of getting arthritis in the area of my injury as I aged. I’ve lived in denial of this for quite some time. As the pain has gotten progressively worse, I have been forced to stop living in this state of denial.

For months I avoided consulting with the doctors about my symptoms because I didn’t want to admit or believe that there might be something more wrong. I didn’t want to hear what they might say. I kept blaming it on the weird weather we have been having and stress. I kept hoping it would just go away. I have fought long and hard to be strong, healthy and in good physical shape. I kept thinking that if I just keep fighting it would get better again. But it didn’t. Every week I lost more strength and ability to move without pain. Each week I have become more drained and tired. As I began to lose the ability to move my left arm and lost even more strength and mobility, I promised myself and my family that I would go to the doctor once we got back from our trip and they had all left to go home.

The week my youngest daughter left I started consulting with doctors again. I’ve started taking more medications, for inflammation and pain, which is wrecking havoc with my stomach. The pain is so severe that I am now taking pain medications again, even though they don’t feel like they are doing much good. They are suppose to help me sleep but they don’t. I will have tests done this week that will hopefully give the doctors and myself some more answers as to what we are dealing with, so that we can know which direction to go. They talk about injections and more physical therapy and the possibility of there being something more wrong. All questions that need answering. Hopefully soon. Part of me wants to know the truth. Part of me doesn’t.

This feels like such a failure. Like I have lost all that I gained. Yet, I know I cannot afford to stop and feel sorry for myself and think about such things as failure or giving up…or having pity parties. It's these times of deep pain that my mind begins to question and doubt solid truths that I know. It's times like now, that I cry out for courage and resiliency to withstand this mighty test.

This gnawing pain is eating at my soul. It’s trying to steal my life away and even though I am weak, I still fight…and sometimes I just want to stop fighting and give in to it. It affects my ability to think clearly or concentrate… or to see the glass as half full. I’m a glass half full kind of gal and when I start seeing the glass as being full of shit then I start to panic. I have a hard time breathing when I panic. I tell myself to breath, when all I want to do is just lay down and give in to whatever it is that is wrecking havoc on my body, and just stop breathing. But, I know… I. Can‘t. Ever. Give. Up.

I know all the reason why I can‘t. All I have to do is look around me. I look at these pictures from my most wonderful month with my children, grand children and husband and cry…pictures that I haven’t even finished showing you or moments that I haven’t told you about yet because of this big damn wall of pain that stands between me and doing what I want, when I want.


I will get my fight back. Whatever it is that I am up against, I will win. It will not win against me. In my present frustration, fears and panic I may not feel that right now, but it is something I know deep in my soul to be true. I will win. I will beat what ever this is. It will not own me or take away what I have worked so hard for. I will get my fight back and kick some ass once again. You can be sure of that.

In the meantime, I have faith that someone bigger than me is still carrying me and looking out for me. I know that I don’t always have to be strong because He always is. I know He holds the bigger picture in His hands and I trust that whatever it is, wherever this takes me, I will get through it. I know that the outcome of this doesn’t depend on me being perfect or without flaws. I know, without a doubt that He understands my human feelings of fear, panic, self pity and frustrations. He gets me. And for now that has to be good enough.

I write tonight because the pain that flows like blood through my veins will not allow me to sleep. This visitor, that came like a thief in the night, refuses to leave so instead of wallowing in my pain and letting the fear swallow me up, as the minutes tick by and it is already becoming tomorrow, I choose to write. I choose to write in this window of opportunity, when tomorrow I may very well be too sick to touch the keys of this computer. I write to be free of these ugly thoughts and fears. Tonight I write because I can. Thank you for listening.


PS I have been visiting you when I can, even if I haven’t left you comments. You have written posts that have encouraged me. Thank you. You have written beautiful posts that have given me much to ponder. Thank you. You have written posts that have made me smile and laugh. Thank you. Your posts, have gotten me through some really long nights and days. No matter how trivial you might think your posts are, your words bring hope and smiles to my life. Thank you. Seriously, each one of you touch my life with your words…the words you leave here but even more so the words you write at your own place. I cannot begin to tell you how grateful I am, that our paths have crossed. Blessings to each one of you! Lori

Now & Then

I am sure, that by now, most of you are tired of hearing about and seeing pictures of my children and grand children. That’s okay. I’ll understand if I don’t see you around here until I have finished recording the interruptions that filled up my summer. Since this is my place to record such interruptions and my heart is so overflowing with the indulgences that filled me up this past month, I must share. I must.

At the end of July, for 3 glorious days, I had 4 of the 5 grandchildren, here with me, at one time. This doesn’t happen very often. You already know that we are raising 2 of them and over the past 3 years of doing this, have become "daddy and mommy" to them....BUT at special times like this, they get to join the grandchild brigade.


Watching the 4 of them together is priceless to me. It is moments like this, that make my grandmother heart burst with such pride and joy. They are like my crown of glory. I will never forget those first moments in which I was born into this special club called "grand parenting". I have been blessed with the joy of being present at the births of 3 of them. I was privileged to be asked to be present for such a moment as giving birth but to also hold each of them when they were minutes old. I cried tears of joy at each of their births. All 3 are “awe” moments in my memory bank…they are part of my list of life’s greatest moments.

I will never forget the day, some years ago, that my eldest granddaughter, who is now 10 years old, crowned me "Queen Grandma". What an honor to have this title. What an honor to have such miracles of love in my life. What an honor it has been to watch my daughters become moms and to blossom in this role as their children grow...to watch them grow up with their children, much like I did, with them.

We spent one whole day with my parents. I know this means the world to my parents to have this time with their grandchildren and great grandchildren. I am thankful that they can know their grandparents and that we have these pictures of our time together.

For 3 days, we had a blast just being together. Three whole days, packed full of playing together, love, giggles, hugs, kisses and fun.
For 3 days, these precious people rocked my world and filled it up with their noise. They are fabulously fun. These moments of being all together are rare and far between so we have to fill up our time with as much as possible. And we sure did. I indulged in their love, much like it were candy but only better. Much better.

Oh the wondrous adventures of grand parenting…Oh the memories that fill me up…especially as I look through pictures that have helped me record this journey.

This was then…

This is now...


We have had the time of our life. Now and then...

My precious grands…
This has been a most amazing grand adventure…watching each of you grow. So many wonderful memories we have of our times together…so many priceless moments that we have shared. My heart bursts with such happiness because of each of you. You truly do make my life grand. You rock my world. You make my heart smile and my soul leap with joy. I love you more today, then I did yesterday, but not as much as tomorrow…

I love you to the moon and back…XXXXOOOO...hugs and kisses for your pockets, to pull out for later...XXXOOO Grandma L

Welcome to the Zoo

We arrived back home in Minnesota on Wednesday night of July 22...we were exhausted from our trip but came home to a very happy husband and 2 little people that were extremely happy to see me…and their auntie and cousin too of course. I was happy to be home but part of me was sad from leaving my children and not knowing when I will see them again. And yet life goes on and such is the process of letting go and moving forward with life.

It was back to work for 2 long days of work. What kept me going was knowing that these two(my youngest daughter and 2 year old grandson from northern Florida) would be flying in on Saturday...

I could hardly wait! My eldest daughter, little lady and I made the 2 hour drive to pick them up from the airport that Saturday morning. When we got to the airport they were already at the baggage claim. When my little A- man saw me, he ran to me as fast as his little legs could run. After jumping into my arms, he alternated between taking my face in his hands and smiling the biggest smile ever and saying “my grandma” and hugging me. This brought tears to my eyes immediately, because even though I talk to him on the phone frequently and he spent his first year and a half living with us, I worry about him forgetting who I am since they live so far away. He hasn’t forgotten me!

He melts my heart. I think he may have me wrapped around his fingers and his toes...He gave me lots of these while he was here...

He didn’t forget little lady either. These two are best buddies in every sense of the word. They spent their first years growing up together so have a special bond. They both squealed with delight when they saw each other and had smiles pasted on their faces and wouldn’t stop looking at each other as we drove to meet family at a nearby restaurant. After we ate, we all went for a walk along this scenic bridge…

...and of course we had to take a picture...

...and the two of them never stopped talking to each other...

...they rarely stopped holding hands...

...when they weren't holding hands they were chasing each other...

...rarely do these two EVER stand still at the same time!

...or sit still...

...do they love each other or what? Did you notice how they match? We didn't plan for that but how cool is that!

...and of course kissing each other!

Since this daughter and A-man lived with us they are very special to my little people…if you were to ask little lady who her best friends are she would name the two of them….

It felt so good to bring the two of them home. We were greeted by little man and grandpa…as soon as A-man had hugged them both he was on a bike with his other favorite buddy...

A-man ran around like a little crazy man…he was so happy he was screaming. Welcome to our crazy zoo! I’ve always referred to my house as the zoo…years of having lots of kids at my house due to running a daycare and being the neighborhood hangout sure made it feel like one. My daughter came bearing gifts for me…this sign to hang by the front door was one of them….

I love it! It fits our home perfectly!

When we came home, little man surprised me with a birthday cake and a special card that he had picked out all my himself…since I had been gone on my trip for my birthday little man had insisted we still had to celebrate it. Darn kids. These 3 were so darn excited to sing to me and help me blow out the candles...and more importantly, to help me eat it!

My eldest son and my brother came over and we ate and played games. It felt perfect having them all here. The 3 kids played until dark and were so tired they didn’t even fight going to bed!

That night, I got a chance to go out for awhile with both of my daughters and my son and my brother. They had friends meet up with them while we were out. Even though my youngest daughter pooped out early in the night…due to no sleep the night before, we had a good time. We went to a street dance at a small town nearby.

I think my eldest daughter is quite proud of her quite large beer…

I think she spilled more of her beer then anything!

My brother and I sure liked ours…


Don't worry we weren't driving...my son was the sober driver that night. After the street dance we came home and sat around the fire. A perfect ending to a most perfect day.

This was just the first day of their homecoming and already I was filling myself up with their goodness...all things that are pure and lovely in them, filling me up for these moments after they are gone and my heart aches for them...to just hold him one more time...to hear his infectious giggles and witness first hand that killer smile...my daughters sweetness and kindness...to laugh with her once again...to have them here along with my eldest son and daughter and granddaughter...wow...looking back on those moments that filled up our days, I can almost hear the wonderful sound of all of their voices mixed together as it filled my home. Such delight for my eyes, ears and heart to take in. In remembering, my heart overflows with gratitude.

Heaven on Earth

Each day of my stay in Couer d’ Alene, felt like a gift that I had long awaited for. It is hard for me to put into words just how incredible it felt to have this time with my children and granddaughter in such a beautiful place. In many ways it felt like heaven on earth…in many ways it looked much like it could be heaven on earth, which made it all that more sweeter.

To behold such beauty...


...to experience it with daughters that are women you call friends...

...took my breath away...


If you know at least some of my story…where I have come from to get here, then you can appreciate how big this was for me…and how I cannot take these moments for granted, not even for one moment. One of the good things that came out of living through tough times and experiencing deep pain in my life, is that it taught me to really appreciate any good that comes into my life…that when something is good and beautiful, to embrace it…and to never ever take it for granted. It's taught me to be thankful for the abundance that today has brought and for the lessons that the past taught me so that I could experience joy in the here and now. I have worked and fought hard to get here and it feels good to share it with you.

Because my children and grandchildren live so far away, these moments that I get with them, mean the world to me. To have this rare time with them without all the distractions and demands of my regular life was a precious gift to me. I soaked in their presence…their smiles, their voices, their laughter and their faces.

So let me finish telling you about my trip that came and went in a blink of an eye…

Every day was filled up with things like laughter, dancing, goofing around, playing games and watching the sun set each night but each day was also filled up with things like hiking…





…and camping, canoeing, swimming and cliff jumping into the ice cold water… As much as I wanted to jump, I couldn't’t because of my injuries. So I cheered everyone on from the canoe!





In a blink of an eye it was time to say good-bye to my son at the airport. I wanted to hang on to him and not let him go. As he walked away from me, he turned around and my daughter got this picture of him. It’s this image of him that I have burned in my memory. I miss him with all of my heart.


We had 3 days wonderful days of “girl time” before we left to come home. It’s like I closed my eyes for one second and when I opened them, it was time to say good-bye to my daughter, her boyfriend and their dog Ida. I wanted to hang on to her and not let go. I miss her with all of my heart.

Driving away is hard…usually it’s one of them flying away from me. I was thankful that my eldest daughter and granddaughter were still with me and that I had one more week with them. I would hang onto every second I had left with them like it was precious gold.

I don’t do well with good-byes. I hung on to each of their last hugs and last “I love you mom’s” like it’s the air I breathe. I etched their smiles into my memory. I touched their faces and memorized the wonderfulness of them. I had to let go once again…it hurt like hell but I did it…and I did it without smoking!

I had the time of my life with these three…I love you guys to the moon and back. XXXOOO

PS I don't think we got my son to pose with "the look" even once...poor guy stuck in the middle of us silly girls! My granddaughter sure had fun taking the pictures though!

While I was away this past month Pseudonymous High School Teacher came up with this grand idea of Travel Tip Thursday. For other travel related posts check her out! She has the most amazing pictures of her life Hawaii.

And she suggested I link this post so I'm giving it a shot. My fingers and toes are crossed that this actually works!