Sunday, August 30, 2009
In the moment
At times, it’s easy for me to take an instant step back and reflect upon what was and feel nothing other than thankfulness that what was then, is no longer my truth today. Other times, turning around and looking back, I can instantly feel the emotions over what happened then. All too often, feeling emotions that come with revisiting the days of yesterday, leaves me pondering over who I would be today if I hadn’t walked that road. Would I like me better? What would my life be like today? Tomorrow?
When I speak of the past, I speak of those experiences that left me bruised, battered, and worn…experiences I chose for myself and those that were chosen for me. In many aspects, I am thankful for the gift of remembering things from the past so that I can learn from them, for today and tomorrows benefit. I am grateful for the wisdom I gained having walked through those fires. Yet, there is living with regret over bad choices…over even those things I might not have been dictator of or caused. I wonder if I might have handled those things better, or wiser, just maybe, things could have been different.
There was a time in my life that I lived in fear of the past…fear of what the past meant or said about me…a time in which I feared remembering…a time when it didn’t feel safe to look back… a time in which I feared admitting that this is what I’ve done, but this is who I am today. I am realizing that it took a lot of courage to look those things in the face for what they were….the sin’s of other’s yes, but the hardest to look at were my own. It has taken much courage to let go and forgive. And I mean, really forgive. This past, these yesterday’s, are my history. The bottom line is that I cannot control or change what is my history. If I don’t choose to accept this fact, I stay stuck behind and not able to live happily in today.
These experiences are part of me. No matter how far I’ve ever ran, in hopes of escaping those experiences, I could never get away from them, because they are part of me. I have this saying…”Where ever I go, there I am.”
This past does not dictate who I am today, but this past has been instrumental in shaping me to be who I am today. Who I am today and the experiences of today, will likely prepare me for what will come tomorrow. I can worry or fear the things of the future…that I won’t be prepared for this or that. Just as thinking about yesterday, steals me away, thinking about tomorrow, also takes me away from what is before me in the here and now.
Living in the moment is difficult to do when you are dealing with old baggage from the past or still feeling hurt over something that happened yesterday. Living in the moment can be hard when you are fearing or worrying about tomorrow. Living in the moment is difficult for me, because, as a mother, wife, grandma, and friend, I can be pulled into so many directions. I can get so caught up in “doing” or working or whatever duty calls that I lose out on the gift of the many moments that fill my day. I miss out on who is present here with me. I miss out on the beauty of those things that might be considered trivial or mundane because I take them for granted. I miss out because I focus on things that are just material or will eventually perish. Sometimes, I miss out because I am too busy taking myself and life too seriously. Sometimes, I miss out because I'm just not paying attention. When I am focusing soley on yesterday or tomorrow, I miss out on the every day joy that is mine for the taking.
While it’s okay to reflect back to yesterday and bring to today the wisdom I gained from it, I must not keep my foot planted there. While it is good and responsible to plan for tomorrow and whatever the future might bring, planting a foot into worrying or fearing what is to come next or about this or that, will not do me or those around me, any good. Instead I aim to plant both of my feet into the moments of today.
The sun has risen to a new day. Maybe, this is why today is such a gift. Today I grab a hold of the every day joy. Today, in spite of the pain the flows through my body, I choose to take in today’s gifts, whatever they may be. I will be in the moment and not miss out. Today is a gift to do it all over again…a do over… a chance to hit “refresh”.
Love and hugs, Lori
PS Thank you for the prayers!