In our family...

In our family....we do second chances...we do grace...we do real...we do mistakes...we do I'm sorry (and I forgive you)...we do loud really well...we do hugs...we do family...we do love.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

I Write Because I Can

Tonight, I write because sleep escapes me. While this is nothing new, especially as of late, tonight, I at least do not have the burning nausea eating away at my stomach, thus giving me this opportunity to write. Pain has stolen me away once again. Like a thief in the night, it came and it has not left.

I should clarify that this has been above and beyond the normal pain that I live with on a regular basis…and yes, that pain sucks too, but I have learned how to live with it for the most part. While the pain is a constant friend or should I say enemy, there are times it can be much worse. I have had flare ups on occasion…caused from changes in the weather to over doing it, to lifting too much weight, to over loading on stress…all can cause me to flare up with worse pain then normal. I know I have talked about this here a couple of times but for the most part I don’t like to talk about it here or in my “real” life. I just don’t. I don’t like “it” being center of my life and I don’t want people feeling sorry for me. Believe me when I say, I do a good enough job of that all on my own without anyone’s help.

I have learned to breathe through the pain…to not let it control my life…to not let it stop me from living. I spent the first two years of my injury living in that way. Those were wasted years that I can’t get back and I don’t want to lose any more. When I was in the hospital, going through a pain management program, they taught me how to live again. They taught me how to deal with the flare ups that would come and believe me, over the past 5 years since I left that hospital, those flare ups have come and gone.

When these flare ups hit me, it’s like I have been hit by a truck. Sometimes I know when they are coming towards me. Other times it's like the rug has been pulled out unexpectedly from under my feet. At times, it takes my breathe away. Pain makes me sick to my stomach. Noise, sound, light, cold, heat, movement and stimuli can all make it worse. If you suffer from migraines, I have much sympathy for you because I am told that these symptoms are similar to yours. If you suffer from pain period, whether from arthritis, an injury or some other ailment my heart goes out to you. I have learned to do things to help lesson and shorten the length of the flare ups. Things like exercising, cold and hot packs, stretching, breathing, meditating, resting…ect…the list could go on.

Pain makes me want to stop everything yet I can’t. Not completely anyways…because life goes on and until the flare up passes, life kinda sucks. These flare ups last from one day to about a week…on occasion it has been longer but for the most part within a week I have gained back some control over the pain.

This time, it’s different. Last November, I started with a flare up that has never really went away. This time, it has slowly gotten worse. My previous injuries to my neck and skull have started to affect other parts of my body. I was warned 5 years ago of the possibility of this happening or of getting arthritis in the area of my injury as I aged. I’ve lived in denial of this for quite some time. As the pain has gotten progressively worse, I have been forced to stop living in this state of denial.

For months I avoided consulting with the doctors about my symptoms because I didn’t want to admit or believe that there might be something more wrong. I didn’t want to hear what they might say. I kept blaming it on the weird weather we have been having and stress. I kept hoping it would just go away. I have fought long and hard to be strong, healthy and in good physical shape. I kept thinking that if I just keep fighting it would get better again. But it didn’t. Every week I lost more strength and ability to move without pain. Each week I have become more drained and tired. As I began to lose the ability to move my left arm and lost even more strength and mobility, I promised myself and my family that I would go to the doctor once we got back from our trip and they had all left to go home.

The week my youngest daughter left I started consulting with doctors again. I’ve started taking more medications, for inflammation and pain, which is wrecking havoc with my stomach. The pain is so severe that I am now taking pain medications again, even though they don’t feel like they are doing much good. They are suppose to help me sleep but they don’t. I will have tests done this week that will hopefully give the doctors and myself some more answers as to what we are dealing with, so that we can know which direction to go. They talk about injections and more physical therapy and the possibility of there being something more wrong. All questions that need answering. Hopefully soon. Part of me wants to know the truth. Part of me doesn’t.

This feels like such a failure. Like I have lost all that I gained. Yet, I know I cannot afford to stop and feel sorry for myself and think about such things as failure or giving up…or having pity parties. It's these times of deep pain that my mind begins to question and doubt solid truths that I know. It's times like now, that I cry out for courage and resiliency to withstand this mighty test.

This gnawing pain is eating at my soul. It’s trying to steal my life away and even though I am weak, I still fight…and sometimes I just want to stop fighting and give in to it. It affects my ability to think clearly or concentrate… or to see the glass as half full. I’m a glass half full kind of gal and when I start seeing the glass as being full of shit then I start to panic. I have a hard time breathing when I panic. I tell myself to breath, when all I want to do is just lay down and give in to whatever it is that is wrecking havoc on my body, and just stop breathing. But, I know… I. Can‘t. Ever. Give. Up.

I know all the reason why I can‘t. All I have to do is look around me. I look at these pictures from my most wonderful month with my children, grand children and husband and cry…pictures that I haven’t even finished showing you or moments that I haven’t told you about yet because of this big damn wall of pain that stands between me and doing what I want, when I want.

I will get my fight back. Whatever it is that I am up against, I will win. It will not win against me. In my present frustration, fears and panic I may not feel that right now, but it is something I know deep in my soul to be true. I will win. I will beat what ever this is. It will not own me or take away what I have worked so hard for. I will get my fight back and kick some ass once again. You can be sure of that.

In the meantime, I have faith that someone bigger than me is still carrying me and looking out for me. I know that I don’t always have to be strong because He always is. I know He holds the bigger picture in His hands and I trust that whatever it is, wherever this takes me, I will get through it. I know that the outcome of this doesn’t depend on me being perfect or without flaws. I know, without a doubt that He understands my human feelings of fear, panic, self pity and frustrations. He gets me. And for now that has to be good enough.

I write tonight because the pain that flows like blood through my veins will not allow me to sleep. This visitor, that came like a thief in the night, refuses to leave so instead of wallowing in my pain and letting the fear swallow me up, as the minutes tick by and it is already becoming tomorrow, I choose to write. I choose to write in this window of opportunity, when tomorrow I may very well be too sick to touch the keys of this computer. I write to be free of these ugly thoughts and fears. Tonight I write because I can. Thank you for listening.

PS I have been visiting you when I can, even if I haven’t left you comments. You have written posts that have encouraged me. Thank you. You have written beautiful posts that have given me much to ponder. Thank you. You have written posts that have made me smile and laugh. Thank you. Your posts, have gotten me through some really long nights and days. No matter how trivial you might think your posts are, your words bring hope and smiles to my life. Thank you. Seriously, each one of you touch my life with your words…the words you leave here but even more so the words you write at your own place. I cannot begin to tell you how grateful I am, that our paths have crossed. Blessings to each one of you! Lori


Anonymous said...

((HUGS)) for you Lori. Thinking of you and wishing you well, as always.

By the way, I simply adore your Blog Header. So cute and gave me an instant reason to smile!

Brittany said...

I love your header too mom :) I showed everyone at school!

I wish I was there to take care of you. It hurts me so much to know that you are in pain.I wish I could rub your head, your kneck, and your arm. :)

Just know i'm sending you a electronic hug. From FL to you :)


Jan said...

Oh, Lori - I wish there was something I could do for you. If there is, all you have to do is say so.

I love the new blog header, too - it makes me smile.

Busy Bee Suz said...

I wish that I had some words of wisdom for you, but I am speechless. I will pray for you my friend, pray that your pain is eased, pray that you stay strong to deal with the Sh*t sandwich you have been fed.
When I think of you, I think of Courage.

ps. the header is gorgeous. I think you should call the Gap and have them use it as an ad. $$$$$

The Incredible Woody said...

It's at times like these that I wish I were a genie - I would just blink and all your pain would go away. In the meantime, I'm saying many prayers on your behalf. Sending much love!

Jeannie said...

Sorry for your pain - yours sounds worse than mine but I am feeling quite good right now. When it does flare up, it shocks me. It does make you panic and frantic and your world becomes so much smaller as it takes so much effort to do anything so only the must do's get done.

Your pain does sound like a migraine. The whole hit by a truck thing. I get migraines as well and while it is similar, the pain hits in different places than the neck related pain even though the migraines are also neck related.

Are you taking antacids for your stomach? Gravol? (I don't know the name there for it) Tell your doc because you don't want your stomach bleeding on top of everything else.

gram said...

hang in there kid! you're a tough cookie and i know you are a true survivor. just don't addict yourself to the painkillers, i know (by the experience of a family member) that the addiction to them can lead to a loooooooooong recovery. which i am very sure you are aware of. keep taking in the beauty of life and what it has to give us. i know your bumps in the road are probably a lot bigger than alot of ours, but you are strong. take care my friend, i am thinking of you!
p.s. i also love your new header :)

HeatherPride said...

My heart goes out to you - my mother has started her own battle with chronic pain and it's awful to see her that way. I feel for you, truly.

Twenty Four At Heart said...

I'm sorry. I know only too well how a flare up, a setback of any kind can feel like failure. It is so frustrating - oh how I know. Sending big hugs!

Anonymous said...

You know what? Nothing I can write to you sounds right. Words are seemingly empty when answering to this post. You are in my prayers and you know I love you. I just hope that somehow knowing that people care makes it more manageable to be in your skin today. I admire you for your ability to write this post and hope that you feel good about letting us be here for you in spirit.

Jeanne said...

Chronic pain is so debilitating, and you've shown so much courage in dealing with it. Hang in there! Medical knowledge improves all the time -- maybe there's something they can do now they couldn't do 5 years ago.

Midlife Mama said...

Hang in there, Lori. I've had migraines, and walking around with pain like that for a week would just about kill me. You are strong, and I know this has just got to suck. Take one day at a time, focus and concentrate on getting through the immediate -- whether it's the next day, hour or five minutes. I wish I had a magic wand to take away your pain. {{{{{Hugsssss}}}}}}

LPC said...

So sorry. Thinking of you.

Crazy Charm said...

I'm sorry for your pain:( I used to get migraines, but was a huge baby about it. Not you; you're a fighter :)

bernthis said...

You are so courageous. I know when I am in pain it literally consumes me and I am no good to anyone. You are so strong and such an inspiration. We're all here for you. Please know that

Lots of love

Jason, as himself said...

I've never had to endure such pain. The worst thing I ever get is lower back pain from gardening, or sneezing the wrong way, or picking up my shoes incorrectly.

So I can't identify. It baffles me that there isn't more that they can do for you.

Keep fighting the good fight!

Life with Kaishon said...

This made me feel so sad this morning. I can't imagine that Lori. I will pray for you today! And I will add your name to my prayer list. I hope you find relief from your pain soon.

Jacquelyn said...

I'm sorry that I don't have the time right now to make a decent and thoughtful comment as my grandchildren will be here any moment. I just read your post and know that I will be praying for you today. I also live with aches and pains but nothing like you do. You are a strong, courageous woman and you are a survivor..I can tell by the posts I've read. I'm a fairly new friend here, so I do not know all your history or what your injury was. Sounds like you had one of those "dark nights of the soul" when you wrote this post the other night. Those nights can be so long! God promises us that joy comes in the "morning" and dear sister I wish that joy for you today. Here's a hug :)

LiLu said...

You are absolutely amazing. Know that we're all thinking of you, hoping and pulling for you.


Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}} Praying you feel better soon.

I went to acupuncture for a year and it really helped. Now I start each day with yoga stretching and breathing (kind of meditation).

Love, love, love your new header.

Laura said...

The joy of your new header is in such a sad contrast to reading about your deep pain. The ache of wanting to joyously romp while downed by pain is heartbreaking. Believing in yourself, in Him, in the humanity that walks beside you, surely that's a place of some comfort.

I have no medical suggestions, but seeking out doctors and healing alternatives must surely be better than wishing the pain away (although that would be far nicer).

Joanna Jenkins said...

There are no words....
Sending love and support.

Bogey said...

At first I smiled happily when I saw the adorable smiling faces of the little ones as they panned across the top of your Blog.

And from there on in, my heart ached for you and your suffering. You may be carrying it valiantly but you do not need to carry it alone. I hope you are able to get all of the help you require to help you to endure and maintain the best quality of life for yourself possible. Those little smiling faces still need you. I know from a physical standpoint there is nothing that I can do to take your pain away. But, I can lend you a shoulder to lean on anytime you need it. Take care Lori and I hope you find what you need to help you to cope with your ailments.

Kathryn Magendie said...

Big big hugs - makes me wonder about collective consciousness - another blogger is having back bain flare up, and my back(nerve) pain has been incredibly frustrating the last few days - bad enough that I had trouble walking on Friday.

The new image at the top o fyour blog just makes me smile - so cute.

I hate your pain - I take it and I shake it and stomp on it and then I bury it deep, deep into the earth, so deep it enters the boiling that is below the crust, and it burns away forever.

Amanda said...

(((((((((((((((((((((HUGSTOYOU)))))))))))))))You deserve a big hug,I am so sorry you go through so much pain,I hope the Doctors can help you get out of pain.I ill keep you in my thoughts and in my prayers.I also go througgh alot of pain ith my Arthitis,both of my knees stay swollen,always,I also take shots,called Hurmia,I also have Porises,which can get into my Arthitis and has.I cant sit for long time,because it hurts.When I get older,I will need 2 knee replacments,I cant have them now,the surgeon wants me to get rid of my Porises,which isnt bad,but its in my skin and Hes afarid to do the surgey.I bored you with this,so,I will stop.I know you are brave and strong. :)

Anonymous said...

Lori, You voiced my thoughts about this painful time in our lives so well. I'm so glad that there is someone who is stronger, faithful, and more loving than we could ever imagine who holds us closer than a breath. You are in my prayers - and I have a lot of time to pray right now. Love ya

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