Seeking to embrace is a noble and good thing to strive for but the truth is, it is not an easy task. Putting myself out there and making myself accountable in order to meet this challenge means I must be open to the feed back presented to me. Giving people permission to say what I need to hear, means learning to shut my mouth and just listening instead of defending or making excuses. It is humbling to say the least.
Over this past week others have confronted me over my tolerating things I shouldn’t. I have had to listen to things I didn’t want to hear. I feel stupid. Even though I am trying not to own that feeling, I cannot help but wonder if I will ever get it?
The truth is, seeking to embrace myself and my life is not necessarily convenient for everyone around me right now. But, if not now, when? My changing means I am no longer fitting into my old roles. This upsets the apple cart. It feels like apples are spilled everywhere and I am not so sure where to put them back. Finding my way on this journey of seeking means I must face the inconvenient truths and somehow find a way to get past them.
My standing up for myself and not tolerating things I shouldn’t, means others have to figure out a different way to address me. My changing means others have to learn how to function with a different me. My taking time for myself means other things don’t get done. My not getting things done can be inconvenient for everyone else. My stepping away means others are having to be responsible and they don’t always like it.
Another inconvenient truth is that my thyroid is still an issue and could keep me from losing the weight I gained. Even though I am still eating healthy and watching my calorie intake and I have been given the go ahead to start back walking by my doctor, she warned me that it is common to have difficulty losing weight. I am trying really hard to not focus on that because it makes me sick to think of staying like I am now. I am just being honest here. I don’t feel good with the extra weight and I fear that it will be a stumbling block to embracing myself.
This past week I have been..
…replacing I can’t with I can
…believing instead of doubting myself
…speaking up instead of shutting up
…catching the self negative thoughts and words and turning them around
…breathing through the high pain levels
…asking others to help around the house
…walking 2 miles each day
…paying attention to what I am feeling
…honest with my loved ones at risk of making them angry with me
…drinking a lot of water and mindful about what I eat
…trying to be more gentle with myself
…giving myself grace
To top it off this coming weekend, I am treating myself to a girls only weekend. The only breaks I usually get are when I go to work the two days a week, so I really need this time away. I am choosing to ignore the guilty feelings I am having. No matter how much the little’s cry and beg me not to go, I am going and I know they will be perfectly fine without me.
I will be getting together with old girlfriends at one of their homes not far from here. I am looking forward to reconnecting with these women I have known for a long time. While I jumped aboard the Mommy train again, they continued on the path that one takes when one’s children grow up and move out. Even though we have remained friends, my having little one’s again and them not having little one’s meant our lives went in different directions.
I am really excited about getting adult only conversation and beverages, getting to eat hot food and not being responsible for little one’s.
I plan to let loose…to laugh and talk and sing and dance and just have fun. I plan to embrace every single moment of this time with these precious women.
Before I end, I must say thank you for supporting my adventure of seeking to embrace myself and for believing in my ability to do so. Thank you for all your encouragement and for standing by me.
Until next time, love & hugs, Lori