MIA

I have been MIA here and at your blogs. Although I’ve read  tiny bits here and there, most of the time I’ve been unable to read, let alone comment. I’ve missed you and your words. I’ve missed writing and connecting with you.

Pain and exhaustion and brain fog are big factors in keeping me away. Mostly, I’ve been tending to the little’s and all the things that scream for my attention. Trying to balance all of my responsibilities…trying to keep my priorities in their right places…trying to figure out all the ways I can help keep our home the way it is.

A few weeks ago, while I was washing dishes, little man was telling me about something that had happened at school. When he went silent I asked him why he had stopped talking. He responded with, “I really like looking at your face when I’m talking to you.” I turned around, dried my hands and got down to his level. He said things like “you are always so busy and hurrying and when I talk to you I like to see your face because I like to know you are listening to me”. With tears I assured him that I am listening and that I would work on slowing down.

So that's what I’ve been trying to do.

The thing is ever since my injury I have slowed down a lot. Now it takes me so much longer to do everything and it frustrates the hell out of me. Trying to get things done around here and giving the little’s quality time is a balancing act.

Still, I take little man’s message to heart and as hard as it is, I am forcing myself to slow down and to stop and  look at him when he is talking to me.

We attempt to live simple lives. We are mindful about what we put into our bodies so we had a garden and cook & bake from scratch and eat foods that are healthy 90 % of the time. Which means that the little’s have enjoyed every bit of their Halloween candy and the pumpkin bars I made yesterday are almost gone. We make our own cleaning supplies and try not use things that are not good for us or the environment. We do this not only for our health or the environment but because it saves money.

I shared recently that my doctor cut my work hours. This is affecting our finances so now more than ever, we are doing what we do out of necessity. Keeping our home the way it is, means us figuring out ways to not only be frugal but to not let the stress of it all affect it’s serenity.

This means having fun with the little’s as they help me make laundry soap or knead the bread dough. It means not jumping in the car, driving to do something fun and going out to eat. Instead it’s staying home to play restaurant, with my husband and I being the wait staff or walking up town with the little’s and watching the free movie at the theater on Saturdays.

With the holidays approaching it puts a knot in the middle of my stomach. It makes me dread them more than ever. To combat those feelings we are really focusing on all that we are thankful for. We hung a big turkey on our wall and have been writing things we are thankful for on feathers the little’s helped me cut out. My grandson grabbed my heart when he said, “ I am thankful my Grandma takes good care of me when my Mommy is at work.”

Do not for one second feel badly or sorry for us. The thing is we have so much. While we may not be rich in money or material processions, we are not without our basic needs being met plus more. There are so many that would give anything to have a warm place to call home, food in their bellies, a soft place to lay their heads to sleep and to be surrounded by people that love them. We are not lacking for anything so I cannot help but have a heart full of gratefulness.  

We have had amazing weather here in Minnesota. In fact I hung clothes outside on the line to dry and the kids played outside without jackets on Tuesday. I don’t remember drying clothes outside in November ever nor do I recall having my kids outside playing without jackets. Nonetheless, weather that is more familiar for this time of year is moving in.

As it gets colder, and with talk of snow, I cannot help but think of those out in the cold. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking of those standing out in the cold with no place to go. Here I sit in my warm home, with love surrounding me, while I sit at my computer that is hooked up to the internet. Which seems completely unfair.

Sure we could argue bad choices and all those things that bring someone to be homeless or to be living in poverty but the bottom line is that it does not sit right with me.

We might not have a lot but as the holidays approach we as a family must figure out a way to help those that are less fortunate than ourselves. How could we not? This year we will have to be more creative. I’ve offered to unplug the internet as hard as that would be to be disconnected. I have a feeling my dear husband will work his ass off even harder to keep this one luxury for me…all because he cares for me to have this here.

I don’t share things with you in order for you to think of me as good. The other day, someone referred to me as a “do gooder” and it cut to my core. It felt like she had slapped me in the face. After talking, I found out that she hadn’t meant it in a negative way. The thing is I am the way I am because of where I’ve been.

I may have a bleeding heart but I am not some “ do gooder”. I do because I care from the depths of my heart. I do because I care and because I’ve walked in these shoes…shoes that didn’t seem to fit but were mine just the same. Just maybe if I told about some of the places I’ve been, you would want nothing to do with me and this blog.

It may or may not surprise you that on two separate occasions I almost brought an elderly homeless person home with me back to Minnesota. Once in North Carolina and once in Florida. Both of them were very elderly and to this day it haunts me that I didn’t. Maybe some day I will tell you about them.

Here I am, on a late Friday night, writing from the warmth & quiet of my home, waiting for the snow to fall…all the while praying for those in need of shelter, food or a person that gives a damn. I would not for one second want to be anywhere else but here. My heart is abundantly full with all that is mine yet aches in knowing there are those hurting and without tonight.

I hope & pray with all of my heart that wherever you and your loved ones are, your heart is full with all that is yours…that you have a soft place to lay your head tonight, shelter from the cold(or from the heat :), food in your bellies and are surrounded by people that love you…and that just maybe you would find someone to share your abundance with. 

Sending you much love & big hugs, Lori