In our family...

In our family....we do second chances...we do grace...we do real...we do mistakes...we do I'm sorry (and I forgive you)...we do loud really well...we do hugs...we do family...we do love.















Sunday, June 28, 2009

Here I am, finally at this place, where my heart has longed to be…needed to be…to just write…to write all the things I think about through out my days and nights…to vent and sort out…to make sense of this life that I have chosen. I write in my head a lot…so many thoughts I want to record and yet I run out of time…and the energy that it takes to carve out this time for me.



And yet, in ways it feels so selfish to ask for this time for myself, when I know it means letting something go for the moment…that something or someone won’t get my attention. Because I write in this moment something else goes undone. I have to be okay with this or else I will go crazy.


I asked my husband a few weeks ago, why I can’t be stronger even though I am trying so hard. Why I can’t seem to keep up with everything and just be okay. Why I can’t just fucking be strong like so many women around me. Why I can’t just knock this shit off and be okay. He reminded me that while he thought I was the strongest person he has ever known, that I had worked through a lot of personal demons over the past couple of months and should give myself some slack….and wondered if I had forgotten about being resilient instead of strong?


Back in November, I wrote this post called I am resilient, hear me roar. I claimed resilient as my new word because it freed me from having to be strong. Resilient means, springing back; rebounding; returning to the original form or position after being bent, compressed or stretched; recovering readily from illness, depression or adversity. My yoga teacher gave me this word when she didn’t have a clue about me or my life. She didn’t know why, she just knew she was suppose to tell me to stop trying to be strong and to instead be resilient. Little did I know then, how much I needed this freedom in my life.


It’s not that I haven’t focused on being resilient as of late, but I will admit to getting lost in this journey and trying to take back being strong…of trying to be strong in quitting the smoking…of trying to be strong as I vomited out those old shit sandwiches, took a look at them and flushed them down the toilet…of trying to be strong as I looked at myself in the mirror and coming to terms with my reflection…of trying to be strong as I walked away from a job I loved to another…of trying to be strong in spite of my pain being a lot worse…but most of all, trying to be strong so that I could not only face all of the above and come out on top but also keep up with daily life…whether it be this grand mommy gig I got going on, or the responsibilities of work, home and family.
 
 
A couple of weeks ago, my friend and I went to this book store after a doctor appointment. We walked in the door and there on display was this book called Resilience, by Elizabeth Edwards. My friend noticed it right away, as did I. This display was like a flashing neon light. She knew about my claim for being resilient and suggested I buy this book. I knew that it was somehow a sign because just one week before, I had that conversation with my husband. I knew I couldn’t buy it at that time but thought about it for days after. I told my husband about it and he suggested I buy it the next time I go to that town for an appointment.


A couple days later, this book came to me in the mail! It was sent anonymously. Right away, I assumed my friend or husband had done this but they were just as shocked as I was. I asked the only other person(in my life here) who knows about my ties to being resilient, the yoga teacher, and she was shocked as well. The only other people that know about this, are you people, my blog friends. It has to be one of you. Who ever sent this book to me…thank you. This book has blessed me more than you could possibly know. Thank you for reminding me!


So here I’ve been reminded once again, that no matter what adversities I face or comes my way, I don’t have to be strong. I am resilient. I can be resilient. I am resilient in the storms that cross my path...I am resilient in the day to day chaos that is my life…in this grand mommy gig or whatever else pulls me for it‘s attention…I am resilient even though the demands of the day never end and my time is stretched every single day. I am resilient in the midst of this pain that works to wear me down and stop me. It is my resiliency that will keep me fighting for the time to come back here to write…that will allow myself this time for myself. I am clothed in resiliency so that I can be the woman I want to be…even if I fall short of my ideal or what I think “I should” be, I know that in this moment, of this day, that if I do fall down, I will get back up. I will always get back up!


I am resilient, hear me roar!


In what ways are you resilient?

23 comments:

LPC said...

Resilience is what it's all about. Especially for women. Strong can mean you hurt people near you by failing to bend. Resilience means you stand firm, but bend for those whom you love. It also means you endure.

queenofphrump said...

My Dear Pal Lori! I did not send this to you anonymously but it looks like the amazon seller did not include the message that I had asked to tell you why I was sending it to you! You know why I sent it to you though. You know. You know how much I respect you and how just the title of this book.... much less the content reminds me of you. It is not a parallel story you share with E. E. but a parallel resiliency. I wasn't 10 pages into my own copy before I stood up and ordered your copy.

It is the resiliency of your soul that understands and then accepts so graciously that your life is not as you planned and not as you expected and not as you dreamed and not even as you wanted.... but it is the life you have learned to enjoy in the best way you know how.

My own copy is going to be filled with highlighting of the good and applicable passages. As soon as I find the time to do such a thing as read it again!

Jeannie said...

Resilient is a wonderful thing to be. I don't know whether I am that. I suppose in some ways. Sometimes, people tell me I am strong but I don't know what they mean. I never feel strong. I feel overwhelmed and feel like I'm just managing to keep my head above water and getting too tired to bother much longer.

Jan said...

Lori, you know, sometimes I believe you are the most resilient person I've ever had the privilege to "know." I don't care if we've never met in "real life" - I love you to death, and respect you even more.

I wish I could say I sent the book, but I didn't. But bless the person who did. Bless them.

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

Stength is what we see on the outside; I think resilience is waht goes on behind closed doors.

You have both and are in inspiration to many.

xoxo

Jason, as himself said...

As I read this, I thought, "I'll bet Claire sent this to her."

I was right.

The two of you are the very definition of resilient.

Laura said...

Resilience, doesn't it mean that it bends, too, with the wonderful breezes that come into a person's life, not just the gales and the storms. Surely in a day you stretched and are stretched in every direction, but I imagine the smile of the resilient always upon you.

Brittany said...

:) I love you mom. I am so proud of you. I KNOW you are the most resilient woman i've ever met :) Keep your head up! Cant wait to see you in a month!

Bogey said...

Lori, sometimes when we are writing our thoughts and our feelings, we forget or fail to go back and read between the lines. You recognized your resiliency but totally overlooked the fact that everything you have been writing about and fighting for took a lot more than resilience. Your life's journey has been filled with many instances of strength and if you sit back and reflect, you will recognize them more than anybody. Except, you have probably done it so many times in one form or fashion, that now you probably just shrug it off instead of recognizing the strength and motivation behind it. When we are in the middle of living and surviving our trials and pitfalls, it is our strength that gets us throught it. The resilience comes after you have recognized that you have survived the ordeal, picked yourself up, dusted yourself off and get right back in the fight. Sure, sometimes we need to hear a little reassurance to know that we are fighting the fight; but how do we reassure ourselves? All we really need to do is look in the mirror; see the bags under our eyes, the grey in our hair, the callouses on our hands and the lines around our faces to know that we have indeed been involved in the fight. Don't forget, when you are looking in the mirror; you are still standing on your feet.

Lori, you have a lot of support around you and a very good friend in the Queen. Other people have recognized not only your strength but your resiliency, compassion, empathy and humanness. And so should you.

Busy Bee Suz said...

Wow. This is such a strong message...you are such a strong woman and you really have touched many of us!! I am glad you are forging on...you are so inpspiring!! take care, suz

CaJoh said...

I tend to agree with your thoughts of being flexible. So often we try to always be right, or correct and become inflexible. At that point something will break. But if you are flexible, or as you put it resilient, you can tackle anything that is thrown your way.

If you are familiar with body-building, you must know that to build strength in your muscles you have to tear the muscle first. It is at that point that the body heals itself and makes the muscle strong.

Bina said...

I always get back up, and I always make it. I'm a very strong person and I would never let anyone believe otherwise.

But deep down inside, I constantly feel like a failure. Maybe I should get that book!

E's said...

I really love what you've shared - honest and explicit. Strength is so overrated. I think I like "resilience" better too.

Hilary said...

I got to your blog from Life in the Second Half......and I was struck by your honesty and vulnerability.
I, too, am a mother and a grandmother, I am not raising any children......but I am also married to my best friend....after some really bad choices in men. It took me WAY too many years to figure it out.
Congrats!
You ARE resilient.

Hilary said...

I got to your blog from Life in the Second Half......and I was struck by your honesty and vulnerability.
I, too, am a mother and a grandmother, I am not raising any children......but I am also married to my best friend....after some really bad choices in men. It took me WAY too many years to figure it out.
Congrats!
You ARE resilient.

Life with Kaishon said...

That is a good question! I have to think about it though. I don't know how resiliant I am. I have felt defeated a lot lately. What a blessing.

midlife slices said...

You really ARE resilient and WAY too hard on yourself. Take a breath, my friend.....and take some time to read that book and then read it again. After that.....I want to borrow it. :)

HUGS....and apologies for not being around much in the past few months. Life....ya know.

Twenty Four At Heart said...

I wish I was more resilient. I think it's a good thing for me to work on ... becoming more resilient.

Debbie said...

Clearly, you are resilient. And never forget, so many people who surround us that we think are so strong are feeling weak and inadequate too.

Lover of Life/ Nancy said...

I like that, resilience. You sound like a very grounded person, despite your pain and busy life. You are a blessing to your grandchildren. You are my hero.

Midlife Jobhunter said...

"Because I write in this moment something else goes undone. I have to be okay with this or else I will go crazy."

Absolutely - and that is where the resilient aspect arrives. Because you take the time to do that, you get through much more.

Do you know how many women share these feelings? Your writing about them helps all including yourself.

Fragrant Liar said...

Well, it wasn't me, but I heartily stand behind you on your new word. Resilience actually fits better for you -- and so many of us. In fact, I LOVE that word. And it does fit you well.

Natalie said...

You will have to do a book review for us,Lori. Sounds like an interesting read.xx♥