Here I am, finally at this place, where my heart has longed to be…needed to be…to just write…to write all the things I think about through out my days and nights…to vent and sort out…to make sense of this life that I have chosen. I write in my head a lot…so many thoughts I want to record and yet I run out of time…and the energy that it takes to carve out this time for me.
And yet, in ways it feels so selfish to ask for this time for myself, when I know it means letting something go for the moment…that something or someone won’t get my attention. Because I write in this moment something else goes undone. I have to be okay with this or else I will go crazy.
I asked my husband a few weeks ago, why I can’t be stronger even though I am trying so hard. Why I can’t seem to keep up with everything and just be okay. Why I can’t just fucking be strong like so many women around me. Why I can’t just knock this shit off and be okay. He reminded me that while he thought I was the strongest person he has ever known, that I had worked through a lot of personal demons over the past couple of months and should give myself some slack….and wondered if I had forgotten about being resilient instead of strong?
Back in November, I wrote this post called I am resilient, hear me roar. I claimed resilient as my new word because it freed me from having to be strong. Resilient means, springing back; rebounding; returning to the original form or position after being bent, compressed or stretched; recovering readily from illness, depression or adversity. My yoga teacher gave me this word when she didn’t have a clue about me or my life. She didn’t know why, she just knew she was suppose to tell me to stop trying to be strong and to instead be resilient. Little did I know then, how much I needed this freedom in my life.
It’s not that I haven’t focused on being resilient as of late, but I will admit to getting lost in this journey and trying to take back being strong…of trying to be strong in quitting the smoking…of trying to be strong as I vomited out those old shit sandwiches, took a look at them and flushed them down the toilet…of trying to be strong as I looked at myself in the mirror and coming to terms with my reflection…of trying to be strong as I walked away from a job I loved to another…of trying to be strong in spite of my pain being a lot worse…but most of all, trying to be strong so that I could not only face all of the above and come out on top but also keep up with daily life…whether it be this grand mommy gig I got going on, or the responsibilities of work, home and family.
A couple of weeks ago, my friend and I went to this book store after a doctor appointment. We walked in the door and there on display was this book called Resilience, by Elizabeth Edwards. My friend noticed it right away, as did I. This display was like a flashing neon light. She knew about my claim for being resilient and suggested I buy this book. I knew that it was somehow a sign because just one week before, I had that conversation with my husband. I knew I couldn’t buy it at that time but thought about it for days after. I told my husband about it and he suggested I buy it the next time I go to that town for an appointment.
A couple days later, this book came to me in the mail! It was sent anonymously. Right away, I assumed my friend or husband had done this but they were just as shocked as I was. I asked the only other person(in my life here) who knows about my ties to being resilient, the yoga teacher, and she was shocked as well. The only other people that know about this, are you people, my blog friends. It has to be one of you. Who ever sent this book to me…thank you. This book has blessed me more than you could possibly know. Thank you for reminding me!
So here I’ve been reminded once again, that no matter what adversities I face or comes my way, I don’t have to be strong. I am resilient. I can be resilient. I am resilient in the storms that cross my path...I am resilient in the day to day chaos that is my life…in this grand mommy gig or whatever else pulls me for it‘s attention…I am resilient even though the demands of the day never end and my time is stretched every single day. I am resilient in the midst of this pain that works to wear me down and stop me. It is my resiliency that will keep me fighting for the time to come back here to write…that will allow myself this time for myself. I am clothed in resiliency so that I can be the woman I want to be…even if I fall short of my ideal or what I think “I should” be, I know that in this moment, of this day, that if I do fall down, I will get back up. I will always get back up!
I am resilient, hear me roar!
In what ways are you resilient?