No Boys Allowed

What should one do when life serves up a shit sandwich? Say, “No thank you, I’ll take the ignorant bliss instead please.” ? Or just pretend it’s not a shit sandwich and eat it with a smile on our faces anyways? Or throw myself a grand ole pity party? Or write a long post in an effort to still my mind?

For my husband to complain about something that is going on with him, I know it must be bad because he rarely ever does. So when he told me about some issues he is having I encouraged him to see the doctor right away. He didn’t want to go because we don’t have insurance. (The little’s qualify for insurance through the state so they are covered.) He went yesterday and found out he needs surgery. After said surgery he cannot work for a minimum of 6 weeks.

At least 6 weeks with no money other than my measly checks coming in a little money we get for raising the little’s.

His job requires constant lifting of heavy crates which is what caused this to happen. This means his boss needs to find someone to replace him for this period of time. The good in this is that his boss is going to find out just how much my husband does in his 12-14 hour days and I will be very surprised if he can find someone who is as fast and efficient as my husband. Plus there will be someone trained to do his route should he ever want some time off in the future. The only time he has had off in 4 years is when we went to my daughters wedding in Florida. And it took the guy that replaced him during that time, twice as long to do his route and his route has grown a lot since back then.

Or maybe it’s time for him to find a different job since that is something he has talked about doing for the last couple of years?

The reason we don’t have insurance is because we cannot afford it. Before getting the little’s, my husband had insurance even though it cost an arm and a leg. We all know raising children even in the frugal manner that we live, is not cheap. Taking the little’s has meant the sacrifice of things like insurance, new clothes and going out for entertainment. This goes without saying that they are without a doubt worth ever single sacrifice.

I just wish we could figure out a way to make ends meet and afford these extra things, like insurance. Ever since I got hurt, my earning ability has been severely cut. Had I not gotten hurt, I would have moved up in the company I worked for, would have insurance for myself and family, and my earning potential would be double of what it is now. The bonus was that I loved this job that I was passionate about and seen myself in it for the long haul. Instead I am only allowed to work two 7 hour days in a week. Since my workers compensation does not have to supplement my income anymore because it ran out a long time ago, my ability to help make these ends meet, is very little.

Do not get me wrong, I love what I do now. In fact, I would say I am passionate about being a personal care giver. I love and respect the woman I care for. I love that I am getting this time at home with the little’s. I love that I am feeling a little bit less pain now that I am not working as much. Ssshhh don’t tell my husband that I said that because I offered to call my doctor and request that he remove all restrictions so that I could work at least full time. Then at least we would have some money coming in while he can’t work. He would hear none of this.

The thing is, I feel guilty that all of this falls on his shoulders. He never ever complains and not for one second has he ever made me feel badly for having this injury. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. Now that he has been having some pain he says to me, “My god, how you live with pain and are still able to smile every single day is beyond me.”

One nice thing about not having extra money is that I do not have to go Christmas shopping. When my work hours got cut a few months ago we decided back then that we would not go into debt for Christmas. Now that this is happening we simply cannot afford to take money from our savings for frivolous things. Of course Santa will still come with a gift or two for the little’s,thanks to one of you angel’s that sent a gift card our way without even knowing any of this was going on.

Don’t get me wrong, I love buying gifts for people. I just don’t like the shopping part. I would be lying if I said that not getting to buy Christmas gifts for my children and grandchildren didn’t bother me. It would greatly help if they were all selfish brats that expected and begged for things. Instead they say things like, “Oh Mom it’s not a big deal.” or “That’s not what Christmas is about Mom.” or “Grandma do you need me to give you some money or for me to share some of my gifts with you?” Instead they are to darn sweet and understanding which only makes me want to buy something special for them. Darn kids.

Instead, our plans are to get busy in the kitchen, work some of our magic and make some gifts for our loved ones, since we already have most of the ingredients on hand anyways. Sending off some of our homemade love to those we are crazy about will give  little “Rachel Ray” and “Emeril” a fun time in the kitchen. If you didn’t already know the little pretend to be Rachel and Emeril. 

I am concerned about how we are going to live during this time of him not being able to work. I am concerned about how all of this is going to play out over the next couple of months. I am concerned that this stress is going to affect making this a joyful magical Christmas for the little’s.

The weight of the worry about my husbands health is above all else, so take my house and van, take our material processions, take the internet, cable and telephones but please God don’t take my husband. I could live without those other things but I don’t want to live without him. I could if I had to, but I don’t want to. 

Please, please, please do not think I share this with you so that you feel sorry for us. I share this with you because I need your encouragement and support of prayer(If you’re someone who prays) and I just really needed to lay this all out.

I lay out all of these worries or concerns and yet I know without a doubt how blessed we are and really we have so much. I do believe all things happen for a purpose whether we can see it or not. I also know that worry or panicking will not help us.

An ambulance siren is going off as I type and I stop to pray for whoever is hurt or sick and I am reminded it could be worse …we are in a warm home in the midst of the snow and cold…we have food to prepare and eat…our home is full of much more than material things…love abounds…abundance surrounds us…all to remind me that we will be fine.

A birthday party is coming and we have  been invited to come just as we are.  Worry and stress are not invited.  Time to decorate. Time to hang the balloons and banners. Time to prepare the gifts that we will bring to the guest of honor. Time to make merry and enjoy all that is. Time to be still and know that all is well.

It is the season of peace & joy and good will towards all men. I am determined that they will reign in this home and in my heart.

To end on a lighter note, I share with you another glimpse into life with the little’s.

When I walked by little lady’s bedroom last evening, I seen this taped on the outside of her bedroom door…

Let me translate what this sign means. No boys allowed. How she comes up with this stuff is beyond me.

Of course little man had to retaliate by hanging up his own sign on his bedroom door…

He informed me that he was so happy with the girl that he drew that he didn’t want to cover it up with an X so he put the X above the girl but that it still means no girls allowed in his room except for me. Lucky me.

I told them that it might make Santa sad that they were not going to be sharing their toys anymore. Little lady’s reply was, “Well, Santa’s a boy so he can’t come into my room either.”

Little man didn’t respond until he woke me up at 5:45 am this morning to tell me that he had taken down his sign so that Santa wouldn’t be sad.

Little lady informed me this morning that she is pretty sure that Santa is too busy right now to fly over us to check up on them so the sign is staying.

It’s a darn good thing we have a sense of humor at this house.

Tis the season to be jolly.

Thank you for listening and your prayers are deeply appreciated.

Until next time, love & hugs, Lori

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas

Today is a hot coffee and hot chocolate kind of Minnesota day. It started snowing yesterday morning which made my drive home from work a slow one. It snowed all night and started blowing so schools are closed and since my drive to work is through the country side and the visibility and roads aren’t good, I am home today. Lucky me.

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas.

The little’s were thrilled.

 I threw together a stew and cleaned house, while the little’s played house & school all morning long. I listened to them playing and repeating things they hear and by golly they imitate us pretty darn good.

I was cooking in the kitchen when they came knocking at my pretend door looking like this…

 

“Could we borrow a can of beer?” they asked excitedly. “A beer?” I asked. To which they said, “We’re not old enough to buy beer at the liquor store and we need a beer for the chili we’re making.”

Silly little’s. They really do pay attention to when I am cooking in the kitchen.

Please note the wig on little man’s head. He loves wearing it so much that he decided to sneak it to school last week.  When I found it in his backpack he confessed to taking it and wearing it at school because he wanted all of his friends and his teacher to see him with it on. Makes perfect sense to me. :) I asked him what his teacher said to him and he said she couldn’t stop laughing and then she made him put it back in his backpack.

Please note the desk and paint that were left in the middle of the living room by my daughter. Any guesses to how many times they asked if they could paint the desk this morning? Any guesses to how many times I caught them investigating the paint?

Speaking of little man…he proudly announced last night, that he had been given the “golden dustpan award” at school for keeping his classroom clean. Which doesn’t really surprise us since he likes cleaning and has not lost his love for vacuum's. I told my husband that just maybe little man’s dream of being a janitor someday will come true after all. My husband didn’t find this very funny. The reason he wants to be a janitor is because he thinks their vacuums are really really cool.

Finally, just before lunch I set the kids loose outside(all bundled up of course) and they actually got some of the driveway and side walk shoveled. They each have their own shovel and are still young enough to think it’s fun to shovel.

It has continued to snow off and on all day and the wind is still howling outside. To think this is just the beginning of the season. I would go into hibernation…but then I would miss out on all the fun of  building snowmen, sledding and throwing snowballs at my kids and husband.

I look outside and it is snowing again. I might just need to add a little something to my hot chocolate when I come back inside from doing a little shoveling.

Oh the joys of living in the middle of a winter wonderland and life with the little’s.

Anyone up for a good snowball fight?

I’ll have the hot chocolate ready.

Until next time, hugs and love, Lori

My Youngest Son

In a little over a week my youngest son will begin his journey home. Yes, I am happy that he will be closer…at least he will be for awhile. I will enjoy those things I’ve missed about him…his laughter, seeing him smile, hugging him and watching and hearing him tease & play with the little’s…and hearing him say, “Oh Mother…”even though I’ve heard these words over the phone numerous times these past few years, there is something about hearing them when he is standing before me.

This child of mine…my last born…is the one that challenged me the most and honestly I said time and again that had he been my first, he would have been my last. I do not say this in a bad way…he was just that…my hard child…my strong willed child…he wanted to eat all of the time…he cried the loudest…he tested me…over and over again, all in the same day…he climbed out of his crib at a very young age which only led to him climbing on the counters and before long, unlatching the gate and running down the street…which led to him figuring out ways to get on top of the roof of the house. I kid not.

He just never stopped unless it was to eat or sleep. Not in a hyper active sort of way…more like a non stop thinking and doing sort of way.

You would think I wasn’t watching him but I was. Like a hawk. I had these other kids and a daycare business which meant other children and of course I needed to use the bathroom on occasion.

When he was 15 months old we attended the local county fair and he was literally stolen out of the wagon he had been sitting in. Some woman snatched him out of the wagon when I had turned my back on him for mere seconds, and then tried to leave with him. It was 15 minutes of the scariest time of my life and had they not acted quickly by shutting down the gates, he would not be here now. Apparently she tried to get out of the gates with him and when they tried questioning her, she put him down on the round and ran.

I have never forgotten the terror I felt that day. I knew deep in my heart that we had been spared one of the worst nightmares of our lives.

All through his growing up years he was a handful. He tested and tried me like none of my other children had. He might have made me cry but he didn’t break me. Let’s just say he did not give up easily but neither did I.

I am not sure when everything changed. It’s like I blinked my eye’s and he came around to being this respectful kind young man.

To give you a glimpse of his character at the age of 17. When my step daughter went into labor he took care of little man so that I could be in the labor room with her. When it got close for little lady to make her entrance into the world, he drove over an hour to the hospital so that he and little man could be there to welcome her into the world. Since they pretty much became ours right from that point, he went to sharing his last year at home with 2 little one’s. He spent a lot of his senior year rocking her and sleeping in the chair with her and playing with little man to help us out. He did a lot of the things a father would do and yet he took no credit.

This was a common sight for him to be holding one of these two…

 

 

Fast forward to 3 years ago. It was his senior year of high school and it was the evening of his high school Christmas concert. He left early to go pick up his girlfriend while we were still home getting the little’s ready to go. I was almost ready to go when the phone rang. My husband came to me and I knew instantly something was wrong. It was my husbands brother on the phone saying that my son was in an accident.

Apparently a relative of his had been driving and almost hit my son, who was standing in the road. He was bleeding and could barely walk. She put my son in her car immediately because it was really cold outside. She called for an ambulance and while they waited she asked him who he was but he didn’t know. She knew what town he was from because he had a lettermen's jacket on. She asked him if he had his license and he gave it to her. When she seen the name she called her aunt who is married to my brother-in-law, and they lived in that same town and asked her if she knew who this was since they lived in our area. It really is a small world. And a miracle that someone found him on this cold dark night.

A short time later, the ambulance driver called me and told me where they were taking him and let me talk to him. After getting to the hospital the ambulance workers came in to see my son and one by one they told us that it was a complete miracle that he was alive. In one man’s words, “Merry Christmas, I think you’ve just received a Christmas miracle.”

They had me come out of his room and they told me what had likely happened. They also told me that to look at the car you would never know that anyone could have lived through that. The road was a road that wasn’t traveled that much and with it being totally pitch black outside, it was a miracle that he not only found the road but that someone found him.

Apparently he had fallen asleep and went over the road and flew into a field. He hit his head which knocked him out. When he woke up he dug himself out and crawled out of the car and then had to crawl in the snow quite a distance to the road. He had no idea where he was, let alone his name.

 A few days later when I seen the car I was not only horrified but I now knew why the ambulance workers had said all that they did. I have no clue to how he survived this accident. All I know is that his life was spared on this cold dark night in early December, 3 years ago. I was once again spared the nightmare of losing my son.

During both of these moments I imagined my life with out him…in those quick seconds all of his life flashed before my eye’s like a movie..I remember with tears in my eye’s, how I could have lost him and how thankful I am that I didn’t. I am forever grateful that I was spared the agony of losing him.

These experiences of almost not having him, make him extraordinary. The person he is, makes him extraordinary because of what he has made of himself. Whether it’s being the young man that stepped it up to play “daddy” at 17 or being the greatest uncle to each of his nieces and nephews, by being a positive role model. He is without a doubt a stand up guy just like his big brother.

 

Do you think the little’s are a little bit crazy about him?

After he graduated he moved to North Florida to attend college near his Dad. He attended for 2 years and then moved to South Florida to attend a police academy. He has lived with my eldest daughter and her family, and has been working while waiting to start school. Over the past couple of months he has come to realize that he didn’t really like living there and so has plans for attending the police school which is in a nearby town, here in Minnesota.

 

I cannot wait until he moves home. I know that this move home is only a temporary stop until he moves onto his next adventure. I know this because I am the one that gave him his wings and he’s known to be pretty good at flying. I can only hope that his next adventure keeps him a little closer to home.

My son’s life was spared twice and I don’t take that lightly. It still causes me to hug all my children a little tighter and to make sure I say “I love you.” as often as I can….and to be really really thankful for every day I get to be their Mom.

 

Until next time, love & hugs, Lori

Saying Good-bye

Right after I clicked “publish” for my last post, I received a call from my friend. Her mother, who is my friend as well(I wrote about her recently)is dying. She is now in hospice and their goal is to keep her comfortable until she dies. The day’s get long and hard when one sits alone with their mother or wife, watching her slip away, more and more each day. So instead of digging my hands into the mess down in the dungeon, I went to be with my friends.

As hard as it is to watch someone suffer, or die, or whatever else someone is experiencing, there is no place that I would rather be then along side them. To just sit, to look into eye’s and speak love with them, to give kisses, hugs and love, to whisper words of support and to just “be” with her and them.

There really is nothing one can say or do to take the pain and suffering associated with watching a loved one die, away from them. She is the love of his life and he is watching her leave. She is her mother, her best friend and she can’t hang onto her anymore.

I have watched this woman live fully and wonderfully and as I participate in the ending of this wonderful life, I am forced to pay attention to my own mortality and that of my own loved ones.

Now that she is drinking and eating very little, her body is shutting down more and more. Her body is doing all the things one does when it’s the end.

When I was sitting with her in the hospital a couple of weeks ago, I was thinking about how we were in this building in which the coming and going of life was either celebrated or grieved. It was very likely that a new life was making it’s entrance into this world at that moment, while another was leaving it. How loved one’s were excitedly gathered to welcome the new life into their lives, while in another section of the hospital, other loved one’s gathered to comfort while their loved one made their exit. First breathes. Last breathes. Joy over new life and sadness that it is over.

She asks God to take her. Because we love her and hate seeing her suffer, we too pray for God to take her. Still, she has hung on and we speculated that it may be because she is waiting for her other children to get here from out of state. When she was told that they were coming her face lit up and she smiled and even laughed. They arrived last night.

This whole letting go and saying goodbye is a painful one. Wanting to hang on to this woman that brought you life or shared life with you and yet knowing you have to let go because it’s their time to leave. Grieving because you can already see the parts of her that have left and knowing it won’t be long.

She will make her exit soon and we will mourn the loss of such a beautiful person. The beauty of her heart and the life she lived is evident in those who love her. She will be sadly missed yet we will joyfully celebrate the gift of her life and all that she was. She lived and loved fully and that is the legacy she leaves behind.

Please pray for my friends. That as they gather in her final hours that they will be drawn tightly together and that she will know it’s okay to leave. Pray that her suffering ends soon. And that the suffering of her family and friends that she leaves me behind, comes to an end. Her leaving will be bittersweet in that such a beautiful woman is no longer suffering. Thank you.

We did get quite a bit done in the dungeon yesterday and will work part of the day on it until we get the little’s back or get called away. Isn’t it something that things like this seem so very small in comparison to things of life and death or friends and family?

Do me a favor…hug those you love today…hold them close…tell them how you feel about them and back it up with action..heal a grudge you have with a loved one…smile and laugh…do something you enjoy…live today fully.

Until next time, hugs and love, Lori

Random Blessings

In spite of getting snow and freezing rain on Thanksgiving eve, we were able to travel up north on Thanksgiving and we had a very nice day. How thankful I am for the blessing of a dependable vehicle and such special people to spend a day of giving thanks with.

On the 2 1/2 hour drive to our Thanksgiving destination, I had opportunity to make calls of Thanksgiving wishes to loved ones. As I made call after call to express my gratefulness for each of these people being in my life, my heart swelled with the thought of having so many amazing people in my life. It can be difficult to not be with my children and grandchildren to celebrate the holiday’s but in my heart they are always with me and I cannot help but be grateful that they are alive and well.

The little’s were ecstatic because they got to spend the day with their best friend, Esox and other people they simply adore.

 

Little lady and Esox have a very special relationship…

 

 

Little man got a chance to help in the kitchen.

  My little “Emeril” wanna be in action…

They had a blast making a joyful noise with my nieces…

 

 

 

We got a chance to see the deer come up near the house and eat at the twilight hour…

 

Even more exciting is that the little’s get to stay up north and play in the snow and woods for a few days, while my husband and I came back home to work and get things done in our basement in preparation for my son moving back home. My grandson is gone to visit his daddy so our home is completely child free. What a blessing to have this time to get something accomplished without 3 sets of little hands digging where they are not suppose to or having another part of the house get completely demolished while we focus elsewhere.

I should be down working in the dungeon instead of reading blogs and writing this post. But what a blessing it was to stop by and visit today without feeling guilty.

Can I just say peace & quiet are not over rated?

Now that Thanksgiving has come and gone, I suppose it is time to welcome all things Christmas. My intent is to not let the commercialism or stress that can come with all of it, steal the Christmas magic. We will wait to put up a tree and decorate it until my son has moved back home the second week of December. We will bake and do crafts and make most of our gifts this year instead of focusing on financial lack or thinking our Christmas must look like it does on TV or that we will not have Christmas since we can’t buy gifts. Our intent is to think of ways to spread Christmas joy and to make merry because we have so many reasons to do so.

Now that our outdoors is covered in snow and it is closer to 0 then not, it is starting to look a lot like Christmas. The little’s love it and cheer with excitement whenever that white stuff falls from the sky and they want to be out in it playing all of the time. I guess I really don’t mind it since it can be kind of fun and it gets them out of the house.

The other night I had this most incredible vivid dream about many of you. In my dream we were all together at this big blog party and I got to spend 3 days of fun with all of you. Things you each have written recently or information that I know about you were filtered through out the dream. It was so real and so fantastic that when I woke up I was super happy and then I realized it was just a dream. Bummer. Still, it was such a blessing and makes me smile whenever I think about it.

 

If you are from the US I hope you and yours had a wonderful day of sharing in Thanksgiving and that today you are not only full from the good food but from good times with friends and family as well.  If you were one of those out shopping in the black Friday madness I hope you got a lot of great deals and it was worth standing out in the cold(if you live where it’s cold) and fighting crowds. 

I suppose I should get myself down to the dungeon and begin this great task of sorting and cleaning. But first I think there is a day after Thanksgiving sandwich calling out my name.

Happy weekend to you and your loved one’s. May peace, love and joy wrap themselves around you no matter the circumstances or what life has served to you in this moment.

Until next time, hugs & love, Lori 

 

 

 

 

 

 

To be thankful

 

How easy it is for me to take the little things in life for granted. It is easy to forget how blessed we are to live in this era with all it’s modern conveniences. I think about the early settlers on the ships that set sail for a new country and what life was like during the first Thanksgivings. A toilet that flushes, hot running water to bathe in and to use at our beckoning, electricity that allows us to see in the dark and to turn things on & off with just a switch, machines that wash & dry our clothes, and heating & cooling systems that make our homes comfortable to live in and protect us from the elements. Not to mention TV’s, stereo’s, gaming systems, computers, telephones and many more material things for our added entertainment.

While we do work hard to have what we have, I am grateful for our jobs and ability to make money and that these afford us these things that make our lives easier. I  know that these things could be taken away in a heart beat due to tragedy, illness, death, or economics. There are no guarantee's of life remaining as I know it now. I know what it is to live without some of these things. For example, there was a time in my life when buying meat or anything of the sort was not in my budget. To this day, whenever I purchase, prepare or eat meat, a gratefulness that I cannot describe with words, comes over me. Maybe this is how or why I learned to live happily in a simplistic way of life.

In all actuality I could live without many of these things because I have but what I could not live without are people, love, forgiveness and grace.

I have walked willingly and unwillingly through the depths of hell. In breaking bread with the devil and his companions I lived a life that is so far from what I know now that it almost feels like I am telling you about someone else.

Hands that reached out to me in my disparity, bearing these gifts of love, forgiveness and grace, gave me the keys to my freedom. 

Had I not met love I would not be here writing right at this very moment. And I am not talking about the romantic kind love. Had I not known what it truly means to be forgiven I would not have been able to stand myself enough to continue on. Literally. Had I not known the release of forgiving those who have transgressed me, I am absolutely sure these things would have made me a bitter unhappy woman today. Grace in all it’s glory set my record clean. 

Had I not accepted these gifts, I would never have found the value of these lessons I learned in my walks through hell. Those play dates with the devil were not all in vain because he taught me everything I do not want or want to be in this life of mine; bitterness, rage, abuse, violence, agony, deceit, dishonesty,and a whole slew of other things not worth repeating.

These beautiful things called love, forgiveness and grace, stole my heart and changed it. They took my heart of stone and shaped it into something that has this great capacity to love others. They turned me inside out and shook up every belief I had up until this point in my life. The thing is, getting to lay all these transgressions down didn’t mean that all the bad I had done was okay or that the things done to me were justified, it just meant they were done. Finished. Laid down. Grace helped me leave it there and not go back.

Walking without the weight of all these things on me, felt like flying. I was free. The kind of freedom that make the life I live now possible. 

I will be forever eternally grateful that the beauty that is grace helped me to take all that was and turn it into something more. 

This is why I love so passionately and fiercely. This is why I cannot hate or judge or turn anyone away. This is why I want everyone that I come into contact with to know what it feels like to be loved & forgiven without strings and to be seen through the eye’s of grace. This is why I am who I am…all because love and forgiveness found me and grace said it was okay for me to accept it.

The thing is, my soul still needs this love, forgiveness and grace today. In a sense my life depends on them.

I am grateful for every single person that has ever given me these gifts of love, forgiveness and grace. I am thankful for each person that has come in and gone out of my life. I know all too well that these people we hold so close to our hearts can be taken from us in a mere moment. I know it enough to be thankful for each person I get to spend today with because I may not get to share in tomorrow with them.

I humbly tell you I don’t deserve half of what I got in this life but I humbly accept every bit of it. This husband of mine that cherishes me and loves me big, thinks I am really something.  These 7 children of mine that call me Mom or Mommy, that have stretched my heart so big and have their names chiseled into my heart,will forever and always have me thankful that I get to be their Mom. These grandchildren who toss and turn my heart with their adoration of me, simply and utterly amaze me.

If today is my last day on this earth, I leave it as a very blessed woman. I was given a second chance at living and I will be forever grateful for every single day I got. I have loved and been loved to the fullest extent. What more could I ask for? Every day that I get is just an added bonus, so I live every day as if it were my last. Of course I don’t want to leave here but if my time were up I would want it to be known that I lived a good life.

I sit here thinking of my husband, children, family and friends and many of you that share these gifts with me in this present day and it makes my heart burst with thankfulness. Do you have any clue to how grateful I am for each of you? Thank you for sharing who you are with me. For letting me learn from you and for taking time for me. Thank you for helping me to see what I sometimes have a hard time seeing. Thank you…from the bottom of my heart and all that is in me, thank you.

To all of you celebrating Thanksgiving or not, Happy Thanksgiving. Happy thankful day. Even if you are not celebrating Thanksgiving be thankful for all that you are and the multitude of blessings that are yours. Tell someone you are thankful for them today. I am pretty sure it will make their day.

Until next time, hugs & love & much gratitude for you, Lori

Sons

In a couple of weeks my eldest son will fly to Florida to help my youngest son move back home. I love my boys with all my heart as mothers are known to do, so there is nothing extraordinary about that. But, if you knew their stories…of how they became mine, then you would know that these otherwise ordinary boys are in fact extraordinary. 

My eldest son is by far one of the most honorable men of character I’ve ever known. He has a story that runs deep and is wide with experiences that no boy should have had to experience. I did not give birth to my eldest son in the traditional sense instead I gave birth to him in my heart. He started out as my nephew and because of tragedy became my son.

Both of his parents and both of his grandparents (my mother and father in law) all died within the span of a year and a half.

Because it was laid out in the will for a certain uncle and aunt to get them, that is where they had to go. I understand their reasoning behind having them as the guardians since these people were very wealthy. But, that is all they were thinking about. They did not stop and think about the culture shock it would be for them to go from living in a small run down home out in the country to living in a million dollar home in an upper class community in the big city.

Let me pause here to say that we as parents need to think of the whole picture when we are deciding the fate of our children should both parents pass away. There is more to raising a child then mere money and love goes a long way when it comes to bringing up a child. Thinking about the family structure of the home they would move into, needs to be considered.

Their Grandma died of cancer first. She was the dearest mother in law and someone that I have never ever stopped missing.She was the glue of this family. Their father died next, exactly one month after they discovered he had throat cancer. It wasn’t many months later when the 3 of them came home from school one afternoon to find their Mom dead on the floor. I will never ever forget the phone call from the eldest boy saying, “My Mom is dead. Can you come?” One month later, their Grandpa died.

The 3 of them stayed with us for the first few weeks after their Mom died. I did not want them to leave. Ever. We wanted to keep them so badly but it was insisted that they would be better off with the wealthy aunt and uncle. Moving in with this aunt and uncle meant they lost literally most of their belongings because none of them were good enough to move into their home. As if they hadn’t lost enough, they lost their dog, most of their toys and clothes. They made the move with very few things so it was as if they were not only stripped of all the significant caregivers in their lives but anything personal to them as well.

I still remember the day they left to go live there. It made me literally sick to watch them leave because I knew deep down this was not right. 

They were wise in sending them for grief counseling. Except for the fact that the counselors told them that these boys would never live normal lives because of these losses and because of the dysfunction they discovered upon digging deeper into their lives before the deaths.

We got a call a couple months into them being with them and were told they were not adjusting and that they were behaving badly. Then a family meeting was called and they informed all of us of what the grief counselors said. When they announced that they would never be normal, I started crying. My brother in law went on to say that they had sat the boys down and told them that since they were so unhappy living with them, that come the end of the school year, they would be free to go search for a home that would want them. AND that they doubted they would find anyone that would want them!

What the hell? Who say’s things like this to children? I was furious to say the least. I wanted to punch him. What kind of people give this kind of life sentence to children?

Come the beginning of June, my eldest son called and asked if he could come visit. He came the middle of June and he never left again until he was out of high school. Within a couple of weeks he was so tied into our home that I could not possibly send him away. I quite literally fell in love with this boy.

He went away to camp for one week and after having a family meeting, we contacted the family and told them we did not want to give him back. We expected a fight but they were elated to be free of him. His 2 brothers had each went to different family members that also wished to keep them. The day we picked him up from camp we asked him if he wanted to live with us permanently. He literally flew up from the table and screamed. Tears streamed down our faces as he hugged us in excitement.

When we got home that day I told him, this is your home now. What is ours is yours. The other kids were instrumental in making him feel a part of our family and home. Not once, in anger or otherwise did any one of them say a negative thing in regards to him joining our family. 

I told him that he could call us Mom and Dad when and if he wanted or whatever he felt comfortable doing…that no matter what he would always have his Mom and Dad in heaven. I explained to him that if something happened to me that I would want my kids to have a Mom…that they would always have me, their Mom in heaven but that it would make me happy if they had a Mom on earth.

I did not take him as a son because I felt sorry for him. I took him as my son because I felt God calling me to do this. I lost two children to stillbirths and I told him when I first got him that his mom was up in heaven rocking my babies for me and that I was here to love and care for him here on earth for her. I truly felt Gods hand on us. Taking him felt so right... so perfect...he seemed like the child I had been waiting for.

It was not easy though. He had not been allowed to properly grieve the losses that had come one after the other, in his life. The grandparents that had died, had been very active in his life, spending a lot of time in their home and were probably the closest to him. For many months, I was up with him every single night, hugging him as he cried. Night after night he woke me up, much like a new born baby, except he just needed someone to hold him and make him feel safe. We cried many tears together those dark nights but I knew he needed to do this in order to heal.

Ever so slowly he began to heal and with the love of those around him he became such a part of our family that not one of us look at him as if he wasn't born into our family. I did not do this alone. It was a family thing...his three sisters and brother had a very big hand in this...we couldn't have done this without them.

The ironic thing is, he looks like he was born into my family. He and my middle daughter who are fairly close in age and were in the same grade together, could almost pass for twins.

I am not sure when the grieving ended. All I know is that he began to smile more then he cried. He was happy more than sad. He started sleeping through the night. He started acting like my son and a brother to my other children and before long his being with us with just normal.

It was during all of this that he came to be my son. I quite literally gave birth to him in my heart. It feels like he has always been here. He has another mother that lives in heaven and I vowed to her and to God that I would love him like a son and treat him as such. It has been easy to keep that vow. I don't look at him any differently then the children I gave birth to, so it is easy for me to forget that he did not come from my body.

I have been blessed over and over by this precious son of mine...my special gift sent to me from heaven. He is an extraordinary man of character. He is everything I could hope for in a son. He is an example for his younger brother and his 3 sisters. He is such a great uncle to his two nieces and 2 nephews that they adore him. I’m pretty sure little lady has him wrapped around her fingers.

This is him(in the red shirt)with little lady on his lap.

 

He is known for his smile and good nature. He is kind, gentle, hard working, thoughtful, responsible, honest and very well liked.  He is not bitter nor has ever used these things as excuses to feel sorry for himself or to not try at things. Actually, it’s been quite the opposite. He has a allowed these things to make him a better person.

I would love to take him back to these counselors whom gave him this life sentence of never being normal. He is not only normal he is extraordinary.

My son is living proof that good can come out of tragedy and that life can continue after the storm. He is living proof that God can work miracles of healing in those that have suffered great loss. He is my proof that gifts and children come in all different ways. He has taught me many lessons along this journey that I will never lose sight of. He is my reminder that life is precious and that we need to hold on tightly to those we love, because each day is a gift with them.

What is really nice is that he lives in a nearby town and actually likes living in Minnesota so I don’t think he will be flying far away from me. He has a wonderful girlfriend that has a son that is 8 years old. I have a feeling that there might be a wedding in our future which would make me pretty happy to have them be a part of our family as well but we will have to see.

He is still close with his 2 brothers from birth and the 2 of them actually own a house together and  live a few blocks from me. 

Soon, I will tell you the story about my other extraordinary son.

Just writing this, makes my heart overwhelmed with gratefulness. What are you grateful for today?

 

Until next time, love & hugs, Lori