In our family...

In our family....we do second chances...we do grace...we do real...we do mistakes...we do I'm sorry (and I forgive you)...we do loud really well...we do hugs...we do family...we do love.















Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Change

It is has been quite some time since I posted here. On occasions, when the pain is less and my mind is more clear I stop by your places and read and if I am able…meaning, if the house is quiet and my mind is working, I leave a comment. I cherish the moments of partaking in your words. Your words move me…they make me smile and sometimes cry…they make me forget the things I carry and remember why I love you and the blog world like I do.

Right now, I feel like I am caught in the “meantime”…in the middle some place between heaven and hell. If I were to write that I am doing good I would be lying even though I am not doing horrible. At least not on most days. I still have days of wanting to just stop this nonsense and be done. Still, I am spending less time dreaming about dying and more time dreaming about living.

Pain is pain and it still sucks. I ended my set amount of therapy sessions and have been waiting numerous weeks for approval by the workers comp company for more sessions as requested by the therapist and doctor. Thankfully, more sessions have been granted and now I just wait for these sessions to start again. It did help me with my pain and gave me a spoonful of hope so I am hoping that additional therapy will give me the kick in the butt that I need.

I have also seen a small improvement in my thyroid issues which came in finding that the medication does it’s job better when I crush it and put it under my tongue. While I do still feel exhausted towards the end of the day…to the point of feeling like I have the flu, it is not as bad nor do I wake up feeling like this. I am keeping more energy during the day and not having to fight through bone tiring fatigue all day long.

Still, I am constantly seeking out answers to help things improve even more. Our diet that was already healthy has become even more so. Eating the way we do does keep everyone from getting sick but I think it is helping me to ever so slowly feel better. Removing pretty much all processed foods and making everything from scratch is work…hell it’s a lot of work, but cooking and baking is therapeutic for me(most of the time Smile ).

My counters have bowls of fresh ground grains, rice or beans soaking in liquid and an acid medium, which is usually whey from my strained yogurt or sometimes yogurt(This helps break down the phytic acid which helps aid in digestion). I have kombucha tea brewing and now instead of just making yogurt I started my first batch of kefir this week.

While the little’s are my top priority, the pain and working in the kitchen take all of the energy I have and leave little for anything else. Literally.

It has really been a long winter. Spring has not really come to my neck of the woods yet. We did have a few warmer days back a few weeks ago but the kids have been back wearing their winter coats and hats. It does look funny to look outside and see them riding bikes and playing in the sand box with winter coats on. Smile Even though the snow has finally melted we are still getting snow on occasions and this does nothing for the spirits of anyone. It looks and feels more like the middle of November then it does April.

The little’s are doing good. Little man informs me almost daily of how many day’s of school are left. As of today he say’s he has 26 days left. He continues to say the funniest things and I really wonder what they must think at school. Little lady is just as full of sugar and vinegar as always. She is quite the mix of being a princess and a tom boy and that is evident when she is wearing a long princess dress while wrestling with her cousin, A-man.  A-man (he is my youngest daughters son and they live with us but plans are in the making of them moving this fall) is included as one of the little’s because of living with us and I take care of him while his mom works. I call him and little lady “The nose picking, booger eating double trouble makers”. Believe me they live up to the name quite well. Smile All 3 of them sure keep me on my toes and my heart full.

My step daughter, the little’s  birth mommy, has just informed us that she will now be moving back to Nevada at the end of the month. She spent an entire year back here in Minnesota and did NOTHING to get her life together. While she has had supervised visits every 4-6 weeks for a couple of hours at a time, over this past year she has made no efforts to get them back or to improve her life. She is an emotionally void person that gives nothing to them but “stuff”. This is sad. Still they are very happy, well adjusted children and have never asked to live with her. They are aware of her leaving and their reaction was, “it doesn’t really matter”. Even though they don’t appear to be upset I still worry what her leaving once again will do to them.  It is highly unlikely that we will or could ever hand them back to her. At this point of them being with us for this length of time, what would it do to them to leave our home? 

It makes me angry that she has done all of this to them. This coming and going and leaving and not thinking about their feelings…or ours. We have stretched ourselves to our limits in dealing with this situation and just when we have peace after we have gotten the little’s through a hurdle she comes along with another cross for us to bear. I feel sad for my husband because this is his daughter and she treats him with such disrespect even in the light of all we have done for her.

More change is coming into our lives as my husband will be starting a new job, which is a good thing. Since he will now be working the days I am working, he will no longer be able to care for the little’s while I work.  We cannot afford daycare and the gas and make it worth my working the 2 days a week so when he starts his new job in a few weeks I will be staying home….at least until both of the little’s are in school and then we will go from there. I am sad because I have loved my job and the woman I care for…and I’ve loved getting out of the house and contributing money to our family.

It sure has been quite the journey over these past months and weeks…and during that time there were moments I stood on the edge of despair and just when I thought there was no hope left, one or more of you would do something like leave a kind caring comment here, or send me an e-mail inquiring how I was doing. Some of you wrote posts to let me know you cared or to make me laugh because laughter is the best medicine. One of you even sent me a book that you thought would help me get through. Each one of you made me remember that I am not alone and that there is indeed hope. I cannot thank you enough for the love you have shown me, and for the prayers and positive thoughts that have been sent my way. Each act of kindness left me humbled to be part of such a community as this.

It has taken me over a week to write this post. And this frustrates me. Still I am thankful for the small moments I am able to write or even read. I appreciate every moment that I get to read one of your posts. I am trying with all of my might to just be present in this meantime of my life. The pain has been extremely high these past few days and it’s hard not to let the pain speak for me. When I catch my breath I don’t feel so desperate or scared. And I feel like I can do this one more day.

Thank you for taking the time to listen…to care…to reach out to me. You move me to tears each and every time.

Bless your hearts and lives and those you love and fill your time.

Much love and giant hugs to each one of you. Until next time(hopefully soon), Lori

 

32 comments:

Deborah said...

Lori, I am so glad to see you here! Although I'm sorry you are still struggling. My prayers continue to be with you...

Linda said...

It's so good to see another post from you, Lori. Few share from their heart like you do, and you draw your readers into your world.

My heart sank when I read that the Littles' mama was going to move because I feared that the next sentence would be that she was taking them with her. How tough that would have been on everyone!

It's good to hear that the dreams of living are beginning to outnumber the dreams of dying. That's a positive development. May God grant many more positive developments in your situation. It's been a long winter for you, in so many ways.

SciFi Dad said...

Welcome back; thank you for the update.

I'm sorry things have been so difficult, but was glad to read you're working through it and can see progress (albeit minimal at times).

TechnoBabe said...

Hi Lori, it is good to hear an update. I appreciate your honesty and feel so bad for your continued pain. I think you are doing a wonderful job with the littles especially when you are feeling as you do. Good to hear you will be able to continue your therapy. I hope your husband's job goes so well that you are able to let go of feeling you should get out there and bring in some money to the family. I crush my thyroid meds and put under my tongue too, and take it at bedtime because my stomach is so sensitive to everything. Hugs to you and your husband. You are both special people.

Jeannie said...

It's so nice to read your post again.
I'm sorry your pain and circumstances aren't better. Your step daughter must have some serious issues to be so cold. Yet, you and your husband must be doing an amazing job for the kids to feel secure and loved in spite of her treatment. Can you imagine if they didn't have you?

My own pain seems better now - reducing stress has helped a lot - and most recently I have added deep breathing exercises which help to relax tension. What I find is that the pain boiled down to its basic cause is much more manageable although there are still bad days and the steady deterioration anyway. Hope your therapy continues to help you.

kcinnova said...

What a relief to hear your gentle, honest voice again! It really does feel like you are actually talking to us when we read your words.
Someday, the littles will understand that their birth mother was incapable of caring for them physically or emotionally. In the meantime, your rock-solid love and stability --and that of your husband-- will buoy them up during tides of emotion. Kids *are* amazingly resilient and your littles have the very best care possible in your home. This will allow them to not be crushed by her moving away. Perhaps it will even be a relief to them, to not fear that she will take them away, too!

Continuing to lift you up. And if spring flowers help, I'll post lots of them for you!

Elizabeth Grimes said...

It is nice to read your words again. Stay strong and keep looking for the positive in life. You'll get through this pain, I know it!

Jeni said...

I've missed your posts and the updates especially about the "littles" as I can understand completely how you feel when you talk about them and their words, their antics. Hope the therapy begins again very soon for you and that it all helps return your health quickly -or as quickly as is possible anyway. Keep at it as you're on the right track. Peace, my friend!

The Incredible Woody said...

I was so pleased when I saw that there was a new post from you. I think of you often. Sending pain-free vibes your way. And hopefully spring warmth is just around the corner!

Brian Miller said...

hello friend...i cherish each little note i get and am glad to see a post to update us...your little are about 5 days ahead of ours i think we have 31....prayers for you as you continue this journey...i am sorry it is so painful...i hope spring finds you and aids in that healing process...hugs.

XLMIC said...

It is wonderful to read you again :) I am so sorry you are in so much pain... wish I had some magic and could take it away for you :)

Changes can be challenging but everything does happen the way it is "supposed to"... anyway, I believe that. I'll be thinking of you lots as you cope and navigate and enjoy the kids :)

(((hugs)))

Zella said...

Oh how my heart jumped when I saw your post pop up in my blog list !!

So sorry you are still struggling, but I can sense hope in you and I truly hope that the therapy and the warmer weather which IS just around the corner will speed up your recovery.

Take care of yourself
xo

LPC said...

We've all been waiting, and thinking of you. I just hope your family is sustaining itself, and that this time will soon pass and things will take a happier turn.

Rita said...

Funny that I was just thinking about you yesterday when I wanted to whine to someone about my lower back pain since a minor rear-end accident left me with an unexpected ruptured disk. I thought about people that have to deal with such chronic pain for years instead of weeks and I thought of you and wondered how you were.

I'll keep you and your family in my prayers. And I'll remember to not whine over a few weeks of pain versus years.

God bless you.

Joyce said...

Lori, it is so good to hear from you again. I have been worried about you. Just keep looking ahead, I know chronic pain is so, so hard to bear, but you will work your way through it, you will find an answer, just keep pushing through. I cannot imagine how difficult it is for you and your husband to handles the littles mom coming in and out of their lives. I have a brother who is an alcoholic and I firmly believe as long as there is breath in his body there is hope for the savior to reach his hard heart. I am not saying trust her, just keep praying for her and keep loving and nurturing those children as you have been. You are in my thoughts. Hang tough girlfriend.

Buckeroomama said...

So good to read this post, Lori. I've stopped by a few times and have wondered if you are okay.

Stay strong and hang in there. I'm keeping you in my prayers. Love and hugs.

Busy Bee Suz said...

Lori, you have been in my thoughts.
I am so thankful for this update...I am sorry it took so much effort and time for you. I wish I could send you some of my energy & strength and SPRING weather. (although it is already summer here) And especially healing.
It sounds like things are getting better...Love hearing about those sweet kids.
Sorry things have not been better with their 'mother'...and I use that term loosely.

Love to you,
Suz

Hilary said...

You keep on looking out for yourself and focusing on getting better. It's lovely to hear from you. You're in my best thoughts often. Hugs to you.

Colleen said...

Dear Lori, so so good to hear something from you. I have really missed you and your genuine writing. I pray that each day brings you closer to the life you deserve to lead, one of health and joy and one that simply overflows with blessings. Take care of yourself my beautiful friend.

Anvilcloud said...

Life gives some people more troubles than enough. I admire the way the you soldier through. It seems that your daughters leaving may be a blessing. All the best in these troubled times.

mommytoalot said...

Hi Lori...
I want you to know how much I look up to you, and although I understand why, I sure miss your posts because they inspire me.
So sad to hear you are still struggling with pain.
..
It is frustrating when "littles' so called parents cannot or will not make changes.
I am struggling with raising my "littles" when i need help their bios are not able to and it has been quite a rough few weeks here.

I am hoping and praying you begin to feel much much better,
in love and faith
Lisa
xo

Grumpy Grateful Mom said...

I've been reading over your posts. It seem like you are bravely enduring. I'll be keeping your in my prayers.

ladyfi said...

So glad to hear from you. So sorry to hear about your troubles, but hopefully, it is getting sorted out.

I've missed you and your wise insights and your huge heart.

Hugs and healing thoughts!

Just Be Real said...

Dear one glad of your return. Glad some things are improving. Our journey's as you know are a process in all areas of our lives. Here always supporting you Lori. Blessings.

jpooh said...

Oh, Lori - it was so wonderful to open Google reader today and see your post there!

I'm thrilled to see about your food - I know you're tired and in pain, but the good food you're making will go a long way to at least keep you from getting worse, and maybe help you slowly but surely get a whole lot better.

Take care of yourself, my friend!

Jan

Joanna Jenkins said...

Dear Lori, It is so good to hear from you but I am sorry to hear the sadness and pain in your words. Know that so many of us love you and are praying for your wellness and happiness regardless if you comment on our blogs or not. You are in our thoughts and love is being sent your way.
xoxoxo jj

♥ Braja said...

Hey...I missed you, and wonder what's happening....you ok? Wish I could come over and cook for you.....xo

wolfie185 said...

Glad to see you posting! Do the footwork and leave the rest up to God, life is forever changing both the highs and lows. You will continue to be in my prayers.

Hugs from Nebraska

Bella said...

hi Lori, sorry I've been away so long myself, life takes us in directions sometimes our choosing, most times not. You take care of your health, most important, keep loving, smiling, baking, and living as best you can manage. Much love to you and your clan!

LauraX said...

sweet, sweet Lori, I have read this post and the one above and am so grateful to read that despite the continuous difficulties, you are living and loving fully...creating your own map in this complicated world in which suffering and joy coexist and often intermingle. I am so sorry, I've not been round much to visit. We too have some "stuff" going on at home lately and so I've not been visiting hardly anyone in the blogging world in the past few weeks. Please forgive my absence and believe me when I say that your presence has never once left my heart.
Bless you and your beloveds always my friend.

Linda said...

Just dropping in to say hi, Lori. Hope the warmer weather and sunshine are working together with your therapy to help your circumstances. I think of you often. Just wanted you to know that.

Joanna Jenkins said...

Hi Lori, It's been a while since I've sen you. Just stoping by to tell you I'm thinking about you and yours and hoping you're enjoying the summer. xo jj