Change

It is has been quite some time since I posted here. On occasions, when the pain is less and my mind is more clear I stop by your places and read and if I am able…meaning, if the house is quiet and my mind is working, I leave a comment. I cherish the moments of partaking in your words. Your words move me…they make me smile and sometimes cry…they make me forget the things I carry and remember why I love you and the blog world like I do.

Right now, I feel like I am caught in the “meantime”…in the middle some place between heaven and hell. If I were to write that I am doing good I would be lying even though I am not doing horrible. At least not on most days. I still have days of wanting to just stop this nonsense and be done. Still, I am spending less time dreaming about dying and more time dreaming about living.

Pain is pain and it still sucks. I ended my set amount of therapy sessions and have been waiting numerous weeks for approval by the workers comp company for more sessions as requested by the therapist and doctor. Thankfully, more sessions have been granted and now I just wait for these sessions to start again. It did help me with my pain and gave me a spoonful of hope so I am hoping that additional therapy will give me the kick in the butt that I need.

I have also seen a small improvement in my thyroid issues which came in finding that the medication does it’s job better when I crush it and put it under my tongue. While I do still feel exhausted towards the end of the day…to the point of feeling like I have the flu, it is not as bad nor do I wake up feeling like this. I am keeping more energy during the day and not having to fight through bone tiring fatigue all day long.

Still, I am constantly seeking out answers to help things improve even more. Our diet that was already healthy has become even more so. Eating the way we do does keep everyone from getting sick but I think it is helping me to ever so slowly feel better. Removing pretty much all processed foods and making everything from scratch is work…hell it’s a lot of work, but cooking and baking is therapeutic for me(most of the time ).

My counters have bowls of fresh ground grains, rice or beans soaking in liquid and an acid medium, which is usually whey from my strained yogurt or sometimes yogurt(This helps break down the phytic acid which helps aid in digestion). I have kombucha tea brewing and now instead of just making yogurt I started my first batch of kefir this week.

While the little’s are my top priority, the pain and working in the kitchen take all of the energy I have and leave little for anything else. Literally.

It has really been a long winter. Spring has not really come to my neck of the woods yet. We did have a few warmer days back a few weeks ago but the kids have been back wearing their winter coats and hats. It does look funny to look outside and see them riding bikes and playing in the sand box with winter coats on. Even though the snow has finally melted we are still getting snow on occasions and this does nothing for the spirits of anyone. It looks and feels more like the middle of November then it does April.

The little’s are doing good. Little man informs me almost daily of how many day’s of school are left. As of today he say’s he has 26 days left. He continues to say the funniest things and I really wonder what they must think at school. Little lady is just as full of sugar and vinegar as always. She is quite the mix of being a princess and a tom boy and that is evident when she is wearing a long princess dress while wrestling with her cousin, A-man.  A-man (he is my youngest daughters son and they live with us but plans are in the making of them moving this fall) is included as one of the little’s because of living with us and I take care of him while his mom works. I call him and little lady “The nose picking, booger eating double trouble makers”. Believe me they live up to the name quite well. All 3 of them sure keep me on my toes and my heart full.

My step daughter, the little’s  birth mommy, has just informed us that she will now be moving back to Nevada at the end of the month. She spent an entire year back here in Minnesota and did NOTHING to get her life together. While she has had supervised visits every 4-6 weeks for a couple of hours at a time, over this past year she has made no efforts to get them back or to improve her life. She is an emotionally void person that gives nothing to them but “stuff”. This is sad. Still they are very happy, well adjusted children and have never asked to live with her. They are aware of her leaving and their reaction was, “it doesn’t really matter”. Even though they don’t appear to be upset I still worry what her leaving once again will do to them.  It is highly unlikely that we will or could ever hand them back to her. At this point of them being with us for this length of time, what would it do to them to leave our home? 

It makes me angry that she has done all of this to them. This coming and going and leaving and not thinking about their feelings…or ours. We have stretched ourselves to our limits in dealing with this situation and just when we have peace after we have gotten the little’s through a hurdle she comes along with another cross for us to bear. I feel sad for my husband because this is his daughter and she treats him with such disrespect even in the light of all we have done for her.

More change is coming into our lives as my husband will be starting a new job, which is a good thing. Since he will now be working the days I am working, he will no longer be able to care for the little’s while I work.  We cannot afford daycare and the gas and make it worth my working the 2 days a week so when he starts his new job in a few weeks I will be staying home….at least until both of the little’s are in school and then we will go from there. I am sad because I have loved my job and the woman I care for…and I’ve loved getting out of the house and contributing money to our family.

It sure has been quite the journey over these past months and weeks…and during that time there were moments I stood on the edge of despair and just when I thought there was no hope left, one or more of you would do something like leave a kind caring comment here, or send me an e-mail inquiring how I was doing. Some of you wrote posts to let me know you cared or to make me laugh because laughter is the best medicine. One of you even sent me a book that you thought would help me get through. Each one of you made me remember that I am not alone and that there is indeed hope. I cannot thank you enough for the love you have shown me, and for the prayers and positive thoughts that have been sent my way. Each act of kindness left me humbled to be part of such a community as this.

It has taken me over a week to write this post. And this frustrates me. Still I am thankful for the small moments I am able to write or even read. I appreciate every moment that I get to read one of your posts. I am trying with all of my might to just be present in this meantime of my life. The pain has been extremely high these past few days and it’s hard not to let the pain speak for me. When I catch my breath I don’t feel so desperate or scared. And I feel like I can do this one more day.

Thank you for taking the time to listen…to care…to reach out to me. You move me to tears each and every time.

Bless your hearts and lives and those you love and fill your time.

Much love and giant hugs to each one of you. Until next time(hopefully soon), Lori