In our family...

In our family....we do second chances...we do grace...we do real...we do mistakes...we do I'm sorry (and I forgive you)...we do loud really well...we do hugs...we do family...we do love.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

My Demon's

Since it is Thanksgiving week, I am trying very hard to be thankful and grateful, in spite of how I am feeling. I have much to be thankful for, so I want these things to be my focus. I don't want negative feelings to steal away my joy.

I have been putting the blame for these feelings on various things...blaming it on these nasty menopausal hormones...on the cold, gloomy, chasing 2 little ones, missing my children because it's getting close to the holiday's...but, truth be told, at this time, every year, I feel this way.

November is a hard month for me, for various reasons...let's just say that past events that have greatly affected my secret' demon's come back to haunt me on their anniversary month. As hard as I am trying to not think upon these things, they are affecting my sleep and trying to pull me down. My nightmare's are waking my husband more frequently, which makes me feel badly for affecting his sleep. He doesn't get upset with me but it does concern him that I am tormented with these things. He wishes that I would talk about these things instead of keeping them hidden.

I am not sure what the answer's are to all of this or if there are any. All I know, is once again, I will ride out this storm. I refuse to let these things push me overboard. I have written to some extent about these things here, in a post called Through the eyes of grace. It's my resolve to continue looking at myself through these eye's of grace but I also need to stop and make sure I am looking at those that hurt me, with those same eye's of grace.

Do any of you battle things like this? Do you have memories of things that you would rather forget? How do you deal with painful memories?


Jason, as himself said...

Whatever it is that you did, I feel safe in saying that you are certainly forgiven. And your actions now, in this part of your life, have certainly found you a very happy spot in heaven.

I hope that you can work through this stuff and find peace inside of you. Do whatever it takes. Because of all the people I deserve peace more than most.

Claire Marie said...

I agree with Jason wholeheartedly. You are blessing lives every minute of every day. You bless mine immensely with the feeling that I am not alone and you understand it all. That is powerful.

You ask if anyone else has memories of things that we would rather forget? Sure we all do I feel safe in saying. Let me share my haunt with you.

When Jason and I let go of our marriage, I floundered pretty wildly. I look back on pictures of my girls during that time and I certainly did not understand then what I understand now. The thing that haunts me is that they were so little! I could have been such a better mom had I not been so screwed up by all the happening of my adult life. If I could do it all over again I would do it so much differently. I see that suffering that my daughters go through now and I take blame for a lot of it because of my absence emotionally and physically from them. While at the time I thought I was present... I see that I was not totally engaged in their lives. Amelia especially lost her mom physically when I moved away. How do we get past mother guilt? I do not know.

My friend Greg was having a very hard time with depression. We were having a conversation about his grief and he told me that if he could just have another hour with his mom, who had passed away 5 years earlier, he could tell her thank you and I love you and all the things he should have when she was alive. I told Greg... "Greg, mother guilt is so much stronger than child guilt. If you could only allow yourself to feel the love your mom has for you, you could find your peace. She thinks nothing of anything you feel guilt over, she just wants you to know that she loves you too." I was able to tell him this because I am a mom. We all feel and think alike to some level. Greg found solace in my words.

When we are young adults and have children we are still maturing ourselves. The cool thing is that we are older now and raising these grandchildren sheds a whole new light on our responsibilities. We may have been great parents then but we were still battling some of our own growth. Now we can be great parents and totally engaged in the little people too. (while fighting our aging bodies!)

I don't know if I will ever be able to feel comfortable with my past. I hope that you can get on better terms with yours. Mother guilt is so powerful isn't it?

Busy Bee Suz said...

You have been through a lot. I don't have a good answer for you. Not sure if anyone has an answer to your questions.....
I have very bad memories, November being one of the worst months for me too.
I try to push past it. Try to move forward. The past is done. It does not make it go away, the bad thoughts and memories, but I feel better pushing the thoughts out of my mind. I don't want them to take over.
I am sorry you are having nightmares. What ever is bothering you, is very close to the surface I am guessing that is why you can't sleep with out thinking of these things.
have you tried any kind of counseling lately? Maybe talking to someone will help you to heal a bit. Or, perhaps just writing it out here will help you too.
take care,

Midlife Slices said...

Yes, I too deal with my demons during this time and I think it's because we've been programmed to think we're supposed to be happy during the holidays and some of us just don't feel it and it's hard to fake it.

Forgive yourself. Forgive others. Just remember that everyone screws up and everyone is carrying some sort of burden, it's just that some fake it better than others.

You aren't alone. We're all here for you and we all love you and no one is judging you. I pray that you'll find that peace that you so rightly deserve and you can stop marking this "anniversary" by conjuring up all the bad memories.

Life with Kaishon said...

I will be praying for you this month. I am sorry you are hurting.

The Incredible Woody said...

I'll be thinking of you. I, too, battle during the holidays. I finally posted about it and honestly, that has helped. Just writing it down, getting it out. A couple of my posts I deleted after a I wrote them, but it has helped to work through some of the bad.

I hope you find your peace.

Stepping Thru said...

Satan loves to throw our demons in our faces just when he knows we are weakest. When you feel bad or sad just stop and start counting your many blessings and remember that you are loved for the beautiful woman you are. That bounty of grace and mercy never runs out. As for the nightmares, I ask God to protect me in my sleep and when I do that I don't have nightmares. It's the nights I don't ask for that protection and don't take time to thank Him for my blessings that I have bad dreams. (And I dream EVERY night)
I, too, have a past that tries to rear up and steal my joy but I am working hard to remember who I am and how much I am loved. Take care of yourself.

thistle said...

November has always been tough for me, not so much because of the holiday, but just because i have this record of actual bad things happening during that month...up until last year, i dreaded it and wanted to just crawl into bed, pull the cover up and wait for it to be just is a tough time...echoing the others, try wiriting out and then delete it if you's still surprising how much that helps...and remember this is a pretty accepting group around here...did you read the Blog Secret posts?...think that was a healing moment for should try it too.

SSG said...

Love your other post, very moving. And memories that are hurtful, I try to remind myself of the present or future and not of the past- we cant change the past and if other people cannot think of the future or present either... well we can only be judge on our actions and what we do today. So make a plan to smile at someone in the street, help someone with their shopping, and remind yourself of why being who you are today is a good thing. Memories of the past, that is not you today. Just like you are forgiving and thanksgiving, some people will be giving thanks for having you in their lives!

SSG said...

Just an idea- maybe organise great events and parties in your torublesome month, so that your memories are good ones as well as bad, that despire such and such a thing many years ago, you can also remember last week or last year the great things that happened.

Life with Kaishon said...

I hope you have a special time tomorrow with your wonderful family! Happy Thanksgiving!

D'Arcy said...

My dear friend, I feel as if I understand a little. My demons came back this past week with a vengence. I haven't even been able to function this weekend, I haven't been able to get dressed or eat or sleep that well. I've just been in a very dark place and I am trying to figure out how to get out of it. It's an ironic time of year to feel this way because EVERYTHING is glowing with lights and love and laughter, and yet, you feel like a leper that you can't take it all in.

Hang in there my friend, I hope the arrival of your children will lift some of the burden you are feeling.