Thankfully Humbled

I am deeply grateful for the abundance of love, joy, peace, friendship, kindness, grace, and support that fills our lives. Though my children and grandchildren are far away, they are always close to our hearts and a phone call away. We are extremely rich in these things of the heart.

I am also grateful for the roof we have over our heads, the heat that keeps us warm, the electricity, running water and indoor plumbing that makes our lives so much easier then my ancestors had it. I look around at the pictures of loved ones that cover our walls and the other decor and my heart swells with gratitude.

I am thankful for all the material things that fill up our home…from the toys and books, to our TV and movies, the computer which connects me to you and my children, the table at which we eat, the rocking chair I cuddle my little people in, to the beds we get to lay our heads on at night(or the recliner for me :) and the blankets that keep us warm at night.

I am thankful for the appliances that make daily living so convenient. A stove that cooks the food and the refrigerator that keeps our food cold…the washer and dryer that enable us to wear clean clothes daily. Our telephones that keep us in constant contact with whom ever we want to talk to.

I am thankful that we don’t go without eating a single meal…that we afford foods that are both healthy and good.

I am thankful that we have clothing to wear that we not only like but are not torn, or stained…that we have shoes and boots, warms coats, snow pants and hats and mittens to keep us warm in the cold.

I am thankful that we have vehicles that run and gas in them so that we are able to get to where we need to go, whether it be to work or to play.

I am thankful that we have jobs that pay us enough to pay our bills and to keep all of the above running and our bellies full.

We have so much. Sometimes I think we have too much. No, we don’t have as much as many people and I have no problem with that. No, our house is not fancy and actually most everything was purchased already used. While we live simple, we have more than enough.

What bothers me is that there are so many that don’t have what we have. What tares out my heart is knowing that there are people going to sleep hungry tonight. Worse yet, there are people going to sleep hungry, outside in the cold tonight. This brings tears to my eye’s just thinking about it.

I think about the times I have complained about my house and I think about all those that would give anything to just have a house.

I think about the times I have complained about the food in the house even though there is still a lot of food, just not food I’m hungry for…when there are those that are starving…there are those that don’t know when or what they will feed their children tomorrow.

I think about the times I’ve complained about cleaning or something around the house instead of just being thankful that I have a house to clean…and that I have arms and legs to do the work. Or the times I complain about having to cook something when I should be rejoicing that I have food to feed my little people.

Every single time I get upset about toys or books on the floor, I need to rejoice that there are children that fill up our home while there are homes that would love to have children but they are empty because of infertility or some other health issue.

Just as those times, that I have 2 loud rascals getting into everything…to just be thankful that they are healthy and have legs to run and hands to play…and that I have ears to hear them and eyes to take in their beauty.

I think about the numerous times I whine and complain about having no time to myself when there are people so lonely because they never see or talk to anyone for days.

I think about how just this morning, I complained on my way to work, because it was cold and snowing and I had to put gas into my van. How I need to just be thankful that I had the means to put gas into a vehicle that gets me to my work.

I think about the times I feel sad that my children are so far away and not getting to see them.  Yet there are people who have no contact with their children or other family members due to a drug addiction, a riff, a mental illness, they have passed away or worse yet, because they have gone missing.

The fact that I have a close relationship with each of my children and grandchildren in spite of the distance  leaves me grateful. I live in a loving, peaceful(for the most part :) joy filled home with a wonderful husband, that treats me like a queen with 2 very happy healthy children.

Yet I am sad and my heart aches. I cannot stop thinking about those outside of my house.

Yes, tonight I think of the lonely, the depressed or mentally ill, the sick, the homeless, the hungry, the barren woman that desires a child, the shut in’s, the jobless, the broken hearted and the poor in spirit. I think of those that are suffering in silence tonight while I get to share with you, in my nice warm peaceful house.

I am humbled. Because I have too much to be complaining about anything.

While I am thankful that I am surrounded by such richness in my life, I am sad and my heart literally aches for those that don’t have tonight. I do reach out in some ways already and I pray, but the constant nudging at my heart is saying to me that this is not enough.

I must do more. I have been feeling this for quite some time. Some idea’s have been getting sent my way recently. Various people have unknowingly been planting seeds and it’s time to start watering them. I know I am being called to do something but not sure exactly what. All I know is, I must listen to my heart.

I want to say thank you to each one of you that give of yourselves in one way or another. Thank you for giving.

Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours. I hope you know I am thankful for you!

Love & Hugs, Lori

 

 

Must Hide From Rascals & Lawyers

This has been a hard day.

Today, was one of them day’s that I wanted to quit before it barely got started.

My little people have been rascals lately. And this is a nice way of putting it. They are testing my limits as 3 and 4 year olds are known to do. Let’s just say, I woke up to 2 rascal’s that got out of the wrong sides of their bed’s. And day’s like this just make me feel too old and unqualified.

But, they were not the problem.

I wanted to smoke.

I wanted to hide under the covers.

Part of me, even wanted to just get high and zone out. What the hell?

But, I didn’t.

Even now, I wish I had.

No, I don’t really mean that.

But, here I am, at the end of the day, thankful to be done. Thankful that I didn’t hide. Thankful that day’s like this don’t last forever. And very thankful that I didn’t smoke or get high.

I was pushed. And pressed. And tried.

Today, I had to remember things that I would rather not.

Worse, I had to talk about them. With people I don’t trust.

Today, I had to give my deposition in my injury case to the lawyers representing the work compensation insurance company. For over 2 hours they questioned me. They poked and prodded.

For the first time, in a long time, I had to revisit a painful experience. I hate talking about it. Worse, I hate what talking about it does to me.

They laid out my whole entire life. They picked it apart in an effort to find a way to blame something else for my injury.

They couldn’t find anything.

I know this is their job to pick me apart. They are paid to do this.

I know there are people that play the system and it’s their job to make sure I’m not one of them. It was obvious that they know I’m not.

They could see I was in pain. They don’t dispute the attack on me. So what the hell is the problem?

They are on the other side looking in. Why does this make me so angry?

For just a moment, I wanted to crawl across the table and grab her by the hair. I wanted to do to her, what was done to me. I wanted her to feel what it felt like. I wanted her to know the fear and the pain.

Of course, I would never do this, but I wanted to. For that moment I wanted to. Just to make them understand.

But, really, how do you make someone understand how it feels to have the shit beat out of you? And then the repercussions of it? And 7 years of hell? How do you get someone to see that you will never get your life back? That everything you’ve lost is gone? And that all you want is to get better and for them to stopping fucking around with your life?

You don’t. Because how can they understand until they’ve actually lived it? They are just doing their job’s. And really, my life doesn’t matter to them.

I sit here waiting to have surgery on my neck and for other things that will help make my pain levels go down.  I try to be patient. But, when I seen these lawyers, with their smug faces and listened to them and their big fancy words, it was hard not to scream and cry.

I didn’t scream. Or cry.

I played nice. I answered their millions of questions, even though it was hard. I told them the truth with a lump in my throat. I stood up for myself. I didn’t back down. For that I am proud.

And so I will keep playing this game, while my life is on hold. I am in so much fucking pain tonight that I cannot sleep. I am sad and angry. I just want this shit to be done. I can only hope that good will come out of today.

I have to believe it will.

I am thankful that I have a good lawyer to fight for me. I am thankful that she thinks I did an excellent job today. I am thankful that I fought for myself. That I stood up for myself and that when I could have chosen to hide behind something such as smoking, I didn’t.

I wanted to but I didn’t.

I am thankful, I made it.

I am thankful tomorrow is a new day…or I should say today is a new day because my clock is saying that it is tomorrow already. :)

Love & Hugs, Lori

 

Give Without Remembering

Today, show

gratitude by…

Imagining the possibilities

Attempting to understand 

Mending the broken hearted

Taking time to listen 

Honoring the elderly

Always choosing love

Never choosing hate

Killing um with kindness

Forgetting  to hold a grudge 

Using your resources wisely

Lending a helping hand 

It’s easy to say “thank you”.

Yet so easy to forget to do.

 

Take an extra moment today and express “thank you” to a hand full of people, just by saying these words or in an act of gratitude.

It’s amazing how good it makes people feel. Even more amazing, is how good it makes us feel.

God gave you a gift of

86,400 seconds today.  Have

you used one to say "thank

you? 

~William A. Ward~

One last thought to chew on…

Blessed are those who give

without remembering. And

blessed are those who take

without forgetting.

~Bernard Meltzer~

Just imagine what kind of world this could be if we all practiced this.

If You’re Going Through Hell Keep Going

I am thankful that I believe. I am thankful to know God’s grace & love. I am thankful that I don’t have to earn my way to heaven.

I am thankful every single day that in having walked through hell, that I made it, a little burnt at the edges maybe, but my soul is no longer black.

 

I am thankful that in having lived through hell, I  have the desire to try to be “Jesus with skin on” to everyone I meet. I am thankful that my memory doesn’t allow me to forget the road I’ve walked and the lessons I gained along the way.

I am thankful for my history because of the perspective it has given me to view the world and people from. Through these glasses I see hope, even when it might seem all is dark and lost.

I am thankful for the new heart I was given, which has given me much love for people. Especially those deemed unlovable by the world.

I am thankful that with my new heart, I don’t have bitterness, hate or want revenge against those that hurt me.

I am thankful for the opportunities to wash the feet of those that are hurting, to listen without judgment,  to share my story so that someone in the dark can have a sun ray of hope, that speaks of better days to come, or whatever it is I am asked to do today.

I am thankful that “church” doesn’t mean a building and doesn’t mean Sunday’s.

I am thankful that God/Jesus doesn’t live in a box.

I am thankful that I no longer live inside of the box, that I thought I had to live in, in order to be loved by God.

I am thankful that I don’t have to have all the answers. And that I don’t have to be right…and that I’m not always wrong.

I am thankful that each day is a new opportunity to try again. And that’s it’s okay if I don’t do “it” perfectly. I’m not always sure what “it” is but I’m thankful that sometimes I get “it” right the first time the lesson comes around.

I am thankful that my greatest blessings are not material things, but people.

I am thankful for all the secret keepers in my life…for all those that make it safe to speak.

I am thankful for my demon slayer. Without him, I wouldn’t be here.

I am thankful that at the end of the day I can forgive myself for all the times I messed up…and pat myself on the back for what I didn’t. (okay, I’m working on that last part :)

I am thankful for these hands that were made for working & loving, these ears that were made for listening, these lips that were made for speaking, these legs that get me where I need to go, this mind that knows what I need to do(most of the time :), this body that is healthy and most of all, that I don’t know what it is like to have to live without them. I am thankful for those I know in my life, that do not have some of these and have taught me with grace and dignity what it means to live without.

I am thankful for those that have been put into my life to teach me something.

I am thankful for all the people in my life that haven’t kept a record book of my wrongs.

I am thankful for a husband that doesn’t keep score.

I am thankful for children who have loved me in spite of everything…who know everything there is to know about my life and still think highly of me. I am thankful that I can say that all five of them are high up on my list of friends.

I am thankful for the freedom I have from drugs. Even more, I am thankful that I no longer need them to survive or forget.

I am thankful that I am no longer hiding behind cigarettes.

I am thankful for this year of claiming courage as mine and to find that it’s really been there all along, I just didn’t know I had it.

I am thankful to be a resilient woman.

I am thankful that after all the times I’ve  knocked on deaths door, I was given another chance to be here. I am thankful that I’ve been freed and given this chance to live the life I never even dreamed about.

Today, I especially thankful because twenty five years ago today, I set out to die. I did not want to live. Maybe some day I will have the courage to tell you that story. That story really isn’t all that important as the fact that I didn’t die and that I got to live and tell my story. And now all I want to do is live. I just want to live fully out loud and with wild abandon.

I no longer want to die in order to forget. Instead, I am thankful that I got to live and tell my story. I am thankful that God didn’t listen to me and that He who is bigger, had me wrapped in His arms all along.

Lastly, I am thankful for you, my loving, accepting, encouraging, and supportive blog world friends. You people are amazing. I cried as I read each and every comment to the letter I had written to my 13 year old self. Thank you for listening, as I tell you my story.

Please tell me what your thankful for today.

Love & Hugs, Lori

A letter to my 13 year old self…

I was going to take part in a writing assignment that Mama Kat at Mama’s Losin it gives each week. One of the assignment choices was “Share a diary entry from when you were 13.”I thought about what was written in my diary when I was 13. It made me sad for the girl I was back then. And then I remembered I had seen this writing assignment somewhere(cannot remember)a year ago and thought I would give it a try instead. It was, write a letter to your 13 year old self.

Here it goes.

Dear 13 year old self,

You need to stop what you are doing right now, and listen. You think you know the truth but you don’t. You have it all wrong. Take that tough smart ass look off your face and put out that cigarette. It’s all just a front to make people think that you don’t care. You put on this facade of toughness yet underneath the facade is a hurting child.

You think you are invisible…that no one can see. You are not. Don’t you see all the good people that could help you, if you just let them? Open your eye’s. Stop pushing the good people away…they are your salvation and you don’t even know it.  

Just because your dad calls you a mistake doesn’t mean you are. Just because he calls you a slut and a whore doesn’t make you one. When he say’s he wishes you were never born, that you won’t amount to anything, and that you’re retarded like your brother, don’t listen to him. He doesn’t know what he’s saying. He doesn’t know that all you want is for him to love you…to want you. He doesn’t know how to love you. He’s taking his pain and anger out on you.

You have to stop believing all these lies. Believing these things, like they are the truth, will cause you to live a tormented life.You think, that somehow he knows something that no one else knows…that your truly bad. You will constantly seek to prove he was right about you.

But, your not bad. Stop believing that.

As long as you believe that you alone are not worthy, you will seek out love and acceptance from men, like it is food for your hungry soul. You will convince yourself that sex means love. It’s a lie. It will never be enough to fill up your soul. Deep down you will know that.

Just because you know and love the persons hurting you, doesn’t make it okay. Knowing them doesn’t give them permission to violate you.

You will not be free, until you stop believing the lies.

If you keep believing lies you will make choices to allow others to abuse you. You are not a punching bag for men to take their anger out on, verbally or physically. You will learn to love people that abuse you. It will be a sickness that takes years for you to stop doing.

Believing lies is your survival. Yet it’s the very thing that will destroy you and keep you stuck in the mud.

Cutting up your arms and legs will not be the answer. The release you feel as the razor cuts your skin and as you watch the blood flow, is temporary. Yes, feeling the physical pain, in some sick way, releases the pain from within. No matter how much you cut, the power of the secrets will remain. Etching out “death” on your arm will not bring it any sooner. Covering up and hiding the scars doesn’t mean they don’t exist.

Starving yourself is not the answer either. No matter how much you don’t eat. No matter how much you make yourself vomit will not empty you of the ugliness within. No matter how much you punish yourself with hour upon hour of exercise, none of this will release you from the power of the secrets.

Look in the mirror. Take the blindfold off your eyes and you will see all that you are.

You laugh and act as if this is nothing. You laugh in the face of all that should be sad. You laugh, when you should be crying.

You are just a child. You might be making adult decisions, but this doesn’t make you an adult. You think you’re having fun getting drunk and high. You think these things are just fun and a way to silence the voices in your head. You are headed down a road of self destruction that you are going to regret one day. Some day you will actually have children. Some day you will actually wish you had tried in school and gotten an education. Some day you’re going to wish that you hadn’t taken this road.

You need to break the silence and stop keeping secrets from those that could help you. Stand in front of the mirror and repeat these words to yourself. “It wasn’t my fault.” Repeat this until you believe it. If you don’t, you will continue down this road of destruction, until you have more big fat ugly secrets to keep…. that leave your soul black and blue. You have to speak up until someone listens.

Do you hear me? It’s not your fault.

If you keep silent, you will keep dying inside. You will suffer in a prison of your own making. No amount of drugs, alcohol or sex will unlock the doors. The very thing that could set you free, you fight. Stop fighting. You hold the key. Hand the key to someone that can actually unlock the door and set you free.

The person that you will eventually hand the key to, is someone that you despise now, but will later be your best friend. He will help you release the madness inside but only when you finally break the silence of the big fat ugly secrets. He will embrace you and teach you to love yourself. Finally. But, that will be many, many years from now.

Instead you will choose to live a life of lies…a life of survival.

Lies to cover up all the things you’ll have to do just to survive. Being high all the time will feel good. You will even think drugs are your salvation. It will give you the facade that all is well within and that nothing else matters then being high. In your search for a bigger and better high, you will almost lose your life. When you cry out for help to someone that you expect to be there, just remember, she doesn’t know how to help you. This is too big, even for her.

Living your life like it’s Russian roulette…like it doesn’t matter whether you live or die is not fair to those around you. Worse yet, it’s not fair to you. Stop treating your life like it doesn’t matter. Some day it will matter. Stop trying to die. There is no answer in dying. Hang on. A better day is coming.

You feel ugly, like you’re a bad person, retarded, stupid, not good enough, like you will never measure up, like you are a mistake and like you are unlovable. You  are NOT any of these things.

Some day you will not feel like this. Once the silence is broken, you will live a life that you’ve always dreamed about. Someday you will be free. The hurt you now know will no longer be yours. Someday the power of the secrets will no longer run your life. Someday you will know the truth. Some day you will be free of these things you use now to silence them. Someday you will know true salvation. Someday you will know love. Someday you will look back on this life you once lived and be amazed that you are still here. Hang on, a better day is coming.

From, your 47 year old self.

 

This has been more therapeutic then I imagined. It’s helped me to say some things to myself that I’ve needed to say. It’s humbling, sharing these things with you, even though many of you already know I have a “past”. Even though I know you could judge me, I can’t let that stop me from taking this step to click “publish”.

If you could talk to your 13 year old self, what would you say? Do you want to play along? Write your 13 year old self a letter and share it with me. I would love to hear the voice of your 13 year old self.

Be The Change

I hear a lot of people talking about the need to make changes in our world.

All you have to do is turn on the TV and we are inundated with stories of doom and gloom.

This creates fear. 

I talk to a lot of people who are afraid of the future.

…what would you change?

We need to take responsibility and stop passing the buck.

I agree, we do need to make changes.

But

I think change begins with each one of us.

If I want more peace, and less hate…

If  I want to provide hope and a hand up to those in need…

If I want to end hunger…

If I want to see changes in our welfare system…

Then it begins with me…in my home, in my personal life, in my community, and in my state…and then beyond.

Making changes takes risk and believing in our ability to make them.

If change begins with me, then I might have to step out of my comfort zone.

Changing my attitude about change opens my mind & heart to new possibilities.

Change is necessary if we want something more for ourselves, our loved ones and our world.

Embracing change could mean that our dreams and goals will come true.

Are you willing to take the risk?

You may not think you can reach it.

Climb anyway.

You may not think you’ll be heard.

Speak anyway.

You may not think you can change things.

Try anyway.

Maya Angelou

Can you see the beauty in change?

Love & Hugs, Lori

I’m Crazy for these people…

I’m crazy in love with these people that make me a  Grandma & Grand “mommy”!

Our family is a circle of love & strength.

With every birth and every union,

…the circle grows.

 

Every joy shared adds more love.

Every obstacle faced together…

…makes the circle stronger.

I am completely crazy for these people.

 They are my sun, moon and stars.

They light up my life…

…with every smile…with every hug

…with every kiss…with every giggle.

Every “I love you”

 

melts my heart.

They make my love bucket over flow.

What fills up your love bucket?

If you don’t know what your love bucket is, you can read about it here, in a post called Filling up your love bucket.

Love & Hugs, for your love bucket,

Lori